Birth partner and "The 4th trimester" - Advice please!!!

I would be gutted if I were the new Nana not being allowed to see the baby for a month. It is bordering on cruelty to Grandmas , I can fully understand asking for people to always ring or text to see if it is ok that they come .

I can remember being totally overwhelmed by arriving home after a C section with my 4th child to both Mothers sitting chatting to each other for hours . I was desperate for them to go so I could relax and was almost in tears by the end , but this no visitors thing seems extreme .

Sadly you will just have to go with what they want , hopefully they will be ringing you asking you to come when the exhaustion sets in !

Ah yes! The unrealistic expectations of new parents to be ? Give them a few days with no sleep and no help and I bet they will be regretting their decision.

I was birth partner at the births of all my GCs. DD3 found herself a lone parent both times and I knew I was needed. DDs 1 and 2 and their husbands were grateful for me being there 1) because I had already done it before and was able to keep them calm and 2) SILs were able to take a few breaks during what turned out to be long labours for the first babies. Wonderful experience for the normal births. I wasn't present for the 2 interventions.

I stayed long enough to see DDs 1 & 2 settled at home and then left. Not long before I got calls for help.....

I agree with everyone else Amber. Best to keep out of it. The other grandparents can sort this out themselves. I really can't see the grandfather, who has travelled half way around the world, being restricted to one short visit. That would be cruel.

This is your first lesson in grandparenthood. I think all the experienced GNers will agree with me that a lot of being a GP is keeping your counsel!

Good luck!

I'm very interested to read this. We were also told we were not to visit our first grandchild for six weeks. I just bit my tongue about it but was sad, of course. On the day the baby was born my son phoned (he lives in America and we were living in Africa then) and almost the first thing he said was 'Oh mum, I wish you & dad could see him, he's beautiful!' Talk about a change of tune. . In the end we were allowed to visit earlier, though I had to arrange last minute flights.

The most hurtful thing though was when later that year we met some of my American dil's family's neighbours. One of them said to me that my grandchild was such a beautiful baby, even on the day of his birth, when she'd been to the hospital to visit. So she was able to see him but we had been banned! I burst into tears and ran out of the room.

My ds and dil did in fact mention the fourth trimester in later conversations but until this thread, I never connected it with the not being allowed to visit thing, so that's been a revelation to me.

I have never heard of the fourth trimester (trimester being a period of three months I think it must be one of those trendy expressions).
In some ways it sounds like a good idea, as long as those closest such as grandparents are not excluded.

The down side for the dads is that they get to do all the washing, shopping, cooking and tidying up
I wonder how long the trend will last until those chores are passed back to mothers and mothers-in-law who will be welcomed with open arms

Someone has to take charge after the arrival of a new baby otherwise the mother can be overwhelmed by well-meaning visitors. I wish I had done that when DGS was born but did not feel it was my place to do so.

Only someone who has never had a baby could think that a month alone with your husband and a new baby was a good idea. After two nights with no sleep with my first one I was hallucinating and once the 6pm screaming sets in you wouldn't care who takes the baby away.

DD was born at the beginning of December and my mother told me that we wouldn't want all the fuss of bringing her out on Christmas Day so we should stay at home. By lunchtime we were ringing and begging to come over because we had got so depressed sitting in a little room trying to do Christmas with a baby who couldn't have cared less.

AmberdogxK9 I don't think you'll have to wait very long before offers of washing up, doing a bit of shopping or watching the baby while they pop out for half an hour will be gratefully received.

We brought DD home on a Christmas Day too Deedaa (she was barely two days old).
I was very thankful indeed to have a decent dinner cooked by my mother, even though I had to stand up to eat it.

The website / Facebook page the fourth trimester gives some very useful advice. Their brief article on sleep deprivation that popped up on my Facebook feed when my new grandchild was about 4 days old was easy to forward to my daughter and her partner. The article didn't say anything my daughter hadn't already had said by me, her sister/aunts/mil etc but it made more sense to her I suspect.
The comment earlier on this thread (i'm sorry I can't remember who made it) about the poster as the mother of a new baby, watching her own mum and mil chatting on the sofa and longing for them to go home, so she could rest must resonate with many of us.

congratulations on the coming baby, Amber! And what a beautiful attitude you have about the birth and so forth!

Generally speaking, I think it's mainly up to the parents, especially the mother since she's the one actually going through labor and delivery. I was wanted in the room all the time when my DGC were born, but I know some parents-to-be don't want anyone else there at all.

I've heard a lot about the 4th trimester though I've yet to know anyone IRL who followed that idea. I think it has come about cuz dads are so much more involved in childcare, these days. It's often hard for mothers and MILs to accept, but young parents often don't feel they're going to need our help, they way they might have back when few dads shared in the babycare. My own DH took off a week from work for each baby, but wasn't really very helpful. I definitely needed my mother and MIL the first few days. If he had been willing to share in the babycare the way many men do today, I wouldn't have needed them as much.

Still, I would have been eager for them to come visit my new baby though only for brief periods, just as I felt about other relatives. But that's just me. I know that not everybody feels the same way.

So I'm glad you and DH are going to abide by the parents' wishes. And I agree with those who say you need to stay out of DD's and SIL's decision. It's lovely that you're thinking of Nanna and the GF, but it's up to DD and SIL to tell them their plan and figure out how to handle GF's visit. Honestly, I feel he should be given a chance to change his plans and come after a month has passed, if he can. Sure, that means he'll miss meeting the baby when he/she is just born. But it would ensure his getting more time with baby than just one meeting. I think you need to trust the young couple and the other grands, though, to work all that out, themselves.

Chances are, the young couple will change their minds, as others have said and reach out for help/visitors a lot sooner than the one month mark. However, even then, they may stagger it (I've also heard of this). For example, they may invite you and DH after a week or so, then the paternal GPs after two weeks or so and so forth. Also, I've read about couples who say they loved having that period to themselves. So I don't think we can predict for sure. Please just go with the flow and realize that things may/may not change once baby is here.

If Nanna expresses any hurt to you, I hope you'll let her know that it has nothing to do with her, that it's increasingly common today. IMO, you don't need to do anything beyond that.

Wishing you all many joys with the new baby!

Congrats to you and yours, too, Imperfect!

SueDonim, so sorry you were hurt that way! It may help to know that part of the 4th trimester idea is to have/let family (and sometimes friends) come visit baby at the hospital but then to deny visitors for some time, once parents and baby are back home. Very likely, that's what your DS and DIL were doing - inviting people for a brief visit with the newborn at the hospital, but once they were back home, keeping everyone away for a long period.

But realistically, they couldn't invite you and DH to come meet your GC for just an hour or so - and then expect you to go home and come back 6 months later! So take heart! If you didn't get to visit baby at the hospital when he/she first arrived, it's probably just cuz you people live at such a distance, not cuz they don't like you or anything like that.

Thanks Wendysue.
This thread has helped me to make more sense of what happened when my first GS was born. I have always been so close to my daughter and was so completely shocked when she began to say, just before the birth, that visiting would be very limited for the first week and I would not be 'needed'. When she was born I had my mum close by and was so very glad of her - even though my H was a good dad and got involved - it was still reassuring to us both to have a practiced pair of hands around and she didn't impose at all. I had just assumed it would be the same again ... I did feel very hurt at first and my infamous AIBU post was made on the back of all the emotions which were still a bit raggedy a little time on. But now it does make sense. And yes, it is a distant memory now - I really do hope the OP and other family members will quickly be reassured that they have a central place in welcoming the new little one.

Where has the love gone from families these days? Why do the younger ones have to be so insular. Very sad.

Certainly seems like throwing the baby out with the bath water if you will excuse the pun!

In any case the more love gets shared around the more there is. Special multiplication takes place.

It is interesting how different people can be. When I visited DD3 9 months ago when her second baby arrived, I popped in with a present, gave them both a cuddle and started to slip away as I could see she had several members of her in-laws' family floating about in a small house. She grabbed me by the hand and said I must not go as she so wanted my OH and I by her side. She was tired and frazzled but she seemed to need the love of those closest to her - those who have seen her at her worst already and love her to bits anyway.

I have never heard of a 4th Trimester, as Jalima says a Trimester is a period of three months. However no matter what you are calling it, it does sound very strict and calculated.

Family and friends are there when a baby is born to rejoice in the birth and to support the new family as best they can. OK some of them may be too much but aren't the baby's parents themselves able to field this? Why does it take you to do this, they are adults aren't they? They will be parents for goodness sake and have lots of hurdles to go over. Let them get on with it.

I can relate to several points going on here and have to say that planning is great but it isn't reality
My DD And SiL asked if I wanted to be 2nd birth partner and tbh I wasn't sure, however I said I,d be there if needed or wanted at the time
During last 4 weeks of pregnancy things began to go wrong, breach, not growing, not breach, weak heart rate all very traumatic and distressing resulting in DD being hospitalised and finally induced
As SiL was anxious I duly arrived to be present and was so glad as it was obvious something was wrong from midwifed behaviour but they weren't saying what. I don't know how but I managed to hide my fear for 4 hours until room was invaded and DD swept away for emergency c section
Pleased to announce baby was fine if not a bit scrawny and traumatised
I then went home 100 miles as DD would be in hospital for 5 days ! Wrong ! 2 days later and having no help in hospital to breast feed baby she's home and I had wanted the 3 of them to settle by themselves but all were so traumatised and baby colicky they asked me for help
I went and just got them organised as DD was in so much pain but I made sure they could cope without actually taking over ( even though I wanted to )
During this time loads of visitors were arriving by prior invitation pre birth but I explained that she wasn't ready and everyone understood
In some cases it just isn't fair to invade recovery time just as in others it's most welcome
I'm afraid no amount of planning can really prepare you for parent/grandparent hood you just have to go with the flow
Just be there if and when your needed
Good luck Xx

Wendysue, thank you for your post. I hadn't known that about hospital v home visiting. It didn't stop them having a baby-naming ceremony, though, to which it looked as though the world and its dog were invited apart from us. We wouldn't have stayed with my ds, they only had a small flat and they were well-used to us coming and going on our visits - we are very independent folk, well able to look after ourselves.

We've always got on well with our ds and dil so it was quite a shock to be told not to go. Their tune was changed with baby no2. It was a planned Caesarian and we were asked to go out when the baby was tiny to help out! They'd learnt the error of their ways.

When my GS in London was born we knew we'd be able to see him quite soon but as luck would have it, I found last minute cheap flights (it was a Sunday lunchtime and I was still in pj's. By 4pm, we were checking in at the airport!) and we saw him when he was less than 48 hours old. That was just scrummy.

scrummy is a very good word for a baby grandchild

Am I reading this wrong? My understanding of this was that there should be no uninvited visitors, which I would agree with. The new parents may well wish to invite both sets of grandparents several times.

I used to have a Nigerian neighbour. She had her second baby and much excitement in the family because he was A BOY. She seemed to have about 6 older female family members staying with her (not sure who was who), who were all telling her what she could and could not do re feeding. (that will be bad for your milk! etc) Bless her.
An interesting cultural contrast to the 4th trimester

Thanks ladies, you have all been very helpful.
I don't know myself where the 4th trimester originated, but I will take all your good advice and update in due course all outcomes !
ethelbags there are male "midwives" now but known I think as accoucheurs ? I am sure I will be corrected if I have it wrong ? I certainly would not have minded one when I was giving birth.
Seems a bit harsh to ban a man from a career choice and a calling to deliver babies.

I wonder if she felt overwhelmed by conflicting advice, JessM?

SIL's family and friends have a different culture and expectations and poorly DD was totally overwhelmed by the stream of visitors - so much so that the consultant himself put a 'No Visitors' sign on her door after a few days
She just wanted her dad and me, she said, although of course DPIL and GMIL were allowed.

Her sister-in-law said she would not put up with the same and only allowed her DM to stay.

OMW, whatever next? 4th trimester!!! Who came up with this bright idea? (angry) Didn't previous generations before this "enlightened" generation bond with their babies? (confused) Seems like flaming stupidity and selfishness to me. Feel free girls to add your own expletives, second thoughts, rather not, if we had free reign to vent our spleens goodness know what we would come up with......
This idea to bond to create a close knit family comes at the expense of other close family members. This is a hair brained idea that comes with a high chance of alienating loving parents/grandparents.

I agree with jinglebellsfrocks, bottom line, it's cruel and ridiculous. Of course that's just our opinion. Never the less amberdogxK9 lets hope your daughter changes her mind. Congratulations, you are will make this baby a fabulous granny.

I forgot to say that friends & relatives should not visit the new family without first phoning to make sure it was a convenient time to do so..