Disowning the family.

This saying came to mind when I read your posts. Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I feel for you and hope you can get on with your life. I am 64 and life is to short for you to have to put up with this. I hope you are strong enough to turn your back on people who are not their for you. Hope all goes ok for you today. I will be thinking of you, xx Good Luck.

I had to emotionally cut my self off from my father....long story and suffice it to say both my siblings did similar in their own ways. Eventually we all had little to do with him except make sure he was safe and healthy from time to time.

Emotionally its been a ghastly experience and all three of us carry a lot of damage and guilt from having had this man as a father. If we ever talk about it to others....not often now as we are all far too old to be carrying this around with us.....most people mutter about it being a shame and surely some sort of rapprochement could be sought. Sometimes its just not possible, he was a very nasty manipulative person and we were all a lot better off with him out of our lives. There are no fairy tale endings sometimes and recognising that fact is often the start of the solution. I do hope that people will begin to recognise that sometimes there is no choice and some families are best if left to drift apart so that we can move forward, make new relationships and have a much better future.

Ruby be strong, do what is best for YOU. Ignore the negative people, think,, if this person was not related to you would you have chosen them as a friend. If the answer is no, then you know what to do. Focus on other things, anything and push them out of your mind. Remember all the good things you have achieved for yourself and family and see if you can get some kind of therepy (is that the right spelling it keeps changing!) to help you. Just to let you know I went through a very bad period of health, my sister didn't help always trying to put me down and rake up things from the past. I just stopped answering her phone calls, no cards etc. But I do still keep in touch with her children who are lovely but we never ever talk about their mum. I don't want to know. Good luck and as I said keep strong.

Thank you all.

Please see "someone's come for my dad" for funeral news. It's not depressing, honest, some quite funny.

rubylady. I don't post here often but I know a little of what you are feeling.

When my father died, I cut off all ties with my family for oh.. lots of reasons. I also changed my christian name by deed poll.

I made a clean breast of things and the name change was the most significant thing I did. It removed me from people whom I decided were an extreme negative. In short - I moved on.

Was it the right thing to do? Not sure. Cutting yourself off from family - no matter how bad is a harsh thing to do.

If I were in your shoes now I would take one day at a time and wait for a while.

Grief is a funny thing. It can make you think irrationally. Wait for a while before you make any decisions, and remember that when you do these decisions will affect your children, and you for the rest of your life.

One thing I will say is what i did was honest and maybe should have been done long before, but when my dad was alive I didn't want to upset him. It's just the timing of it, so close to losing a loved one

Best wishes

Just caught up with your sad and horrible situation. I hope today goes as well as could be expected. You have had some lovely responses in the GN posts. Rise above it all today, and I thought Cherrytrees post was very good advice - to try to have someone else to get them to back off. Your health is the most important and the stress of these people are making it worse, so yes dissociate yourself from them - you don't need them.

Good luck in the future, take time to grieve, it's not a race, and one day you will be able to joing the mainstream of life again - hopefully a happier one. Take care.

So sorry to hear all this, Ruby, but you are most certainly not alone in experiencing this. My son actually disowned me some 4 years ago now, after I explained that I was changing my will immediately before undergoing risky major surgery. All I was doing was including my two Granddaughters. I haven't heard from him since that day, and the stress of that certainly made my recuperation and healing much more protracted. All that after I'd try to put him through three University courses... kicked out of each one... helped to buy 2 houses.. repossessed for non-payment of mortgage... gave him 2 cars... and so on through all his adult life.I now see that all I was to him was a convenient cash-cow. It broke my heart initially, but 4 years down the line I now see that he actually did me a favour by alienating himself. These days I focus on those who bring a positive input to my life, and steer well clear of the negatives. Life's too short to voluntarily saddle yourself with those who simply want to use you, and end up by draining you dry. I wish that I'd done the walking away myself years earlier, thus saving myself a lot of pain. Hope it all works out for you, but remember that you can take control of your own life, and can make changes which will improve it significantly. Be brave. x

I think that people are well able to make up their own minds about who they want to know and who they don't. IMO just because a person is a family member it doesn't mean that you have to like them... Do what you head/heart tells you to. I know so many people who don't get on with family and haven't done for years. It has only brought them heartache when they have tried to get together, why keep putting yourself through it?!

Just read this Ruby and felt so glad of the wise advice and loving support here for you, much needed. Can't blame you for feeling so bitter and angry at all. I too know the pain of having a child with depression and all that entails. Your family sound a cowardly and selfish lot, but it's possible that they do care and simply do not know how to show it, obvious though that would be to you. I would avoid making irrevocable decisions whilst in the grip of pain, grief for your lovely dad, angrer and emotion-mind, but wait patiently and bide your time for a period when you feel a bit more grounded and calm, to reassess how you feel about them and what you want to do. I'd also agree with those who suggested some counselling - I've found that Relate is excellent and not simply for marriages/partnerships but help with other family or friend relationships also. At the least it will allow you to voice your feelings and could help you focus more clearly.
For now, simply ask yourself what action would best help you feel proud of your responses right now, when you look back at it? And which would you feel hadn't helped the situation?
I hope that the funeral went as smoothly and well as it could do, and that you gain some comfort in the days and weeks to come.

I have followed your last forums and feel so sad for all you have been through. You seem to like your local vicar and I wonder if grief counselling is offered at his church. You don't have to be religious and it should be confidential. Gransnet is great for support and advice but I wonder if regular 1 to 1 meetings would help you through this very difficult time. You may already have been through this. Talking to someone totally outside your family and friends may just help.

How are you now? I hope all went well, and you are able to put these people behind you and move on. X

Ruby ， not the best position to be in for sure..Mine is similar but back to front.A father who still trys to control and a mother not strong minded enough to do as she did 30yrs ago and divorce him. Too many questions and complications.
If anyone is unwilling to adjust their behaviour to ensure a better run of consequences,then save your energy for your loved ones.Your turmoil is affecting you and not them,so readjust your thinking to eject the negativity and not allow others to unbalence you. Your energy is yours,let it be positive.

Having just read this thread Ruby,I would urge you to contact Cruse bereavement counselling.They will help you come to terms with your loss and signpost you to other organisations that can help.

Family break downs are really sad but sometimes necessary.

Just ignore any communications and done drawn into any dramas, it is sad enough as it

I lost my dad last autumn and have found while clearing his papers the most aggressive and distressing letters from my sister, accusing me or trying to murder her and our mother (they both died from cancer).........I will forever miss my dad b was glad the I broke away from my sister and am even gladder now.

We don't lose people we love..the rest it better to protect yourself from.

rubylady

I disowned my mother after years of mental abuse. She hurt me one last time and I decided 'thats it' and walked away. She did not get in contact until thirty years later to 'see how I was' sending a letter through my neice. Once she knew I was ok she popped of again. Then my neice got in touch to say she had passed away, this may sound weird to people who have had a lovely mom and dad, but I felt nothing just relief, that I never had to explain to anyone again that I had a mother who did not want me.

The happy ending now in my retirement is I have close loving friends, and 'peace of mind' it is the best I have felt throughout my whole life.

Joining a group U3A started it all. The other group is Meet ups and they are all over the world. If you google Meet ups and the area you live it will give you all the activties you can do ie theatre, walking, book clubs discussion groups. They all have one thing in common 'companionship' Just one small step rubylady could change your life forever, it did mine. Onwards and Upwards my friend.

Rubylady . . . I say cut them out and from today on try to be entirely selfish and concentrate on getting your own self stronger and back to wellbeing. It's not like you haven't tried otherwise. Enough is sometimes just . . . enough!

How very hard for you. I can understand your feelings, but wonder if it might not be wise to allow the dust to settle a bit after your sad times with your father before taking the decision to cut the family off completely. I do understand that you feel they have failed you at times when you needed them.

This is a horrible situation to be in and funerals either bring out the best or the worst in people. I do hope it went OK. I know the pain of broken family - my eldest daughter caused havoc in our family and has now broken off all contact with me and her 2 siblings. The wake she has left behind is such that none of them have contact with each other and none of them are truly happy. I was constantly hetting drawn in. Eventually I went to my GP and was referred for talking therapy. It helped me enormously by making me look at things differently and realising that families are not always perfect and I had been blaming myself for everything and anything that went wrong in the family. The therapist said that just because we are related by blood it doesn't mean we automatically like each other and have to get on. I still think it a drastic thing to do - cutting family out - but if it is the best thing for ones own mental/physical health then so be it.
I miss my daughter but feel less stressed since we've had no more contact. I really hope it is mot a permanent situation though.
I Wish you well and hope you find inner peace.

HI. I don't know you, but I have a story that might help. Six years ago I disowned my Dad. He and I are the only blood alive, everyone else is dead and I have no brother and sisters. I am almost 56 years old and it took me until I was 49 to realise that my Dad didn't really care about me at all. For the first 17 years of my life he stood by while my mother systematically abused me. He then let his second wife treat me like dirt, and then his third wife also, and within seventeen days of marrying that one (who he'd been seeing on the side for all the years wife No. 2 was dying), he'd changed his will and left everything to her, and I was afforded the opportunity to pick over what she didn't want. This is a woman who divorced a dying man and married my father on the day that poor man died. Its a story you couldn't make up - the truth of two horrible, conscienceless people being so deserving of one another, being far stranger than any kind of fiction.

I never got along with my mother and so my Dad was the be-all and end-all for me. I adored him, so I made excuses my whole life for why he treated me so badly, and I forgave him everything, over and over again, as often as he broke my heart. It was accidentally finding his will, that finally got me to take off my rose tinted spectacles and STOP giving him chance after chance after chance, to be a decent person and treat me like I mattered. He didn't have much to leave, and for me it wasn't even about the money - it was about the message. I realised a few things: it was a toxic relationship, it was all one-way, I'd spent virtually my entire life refusing to accept the fact that he didn't really care whether I was dead or alive, and I WAS WORTH MORE.

It has been the hardest thing EVER. But I'd still rather cut off all contact, than have any kind of contact that would leave me with silly hope that he'd somehow be a healthy party to a relationship. I miss him, I will for the rest of my life, and it is desperately sad, but here's the thing: I'm HAPPIER, in MYSELF. He cannot be who I want him to be, so I am better off without him. He may be my father, but he makes me feel worthless, so why would I want someone like that in my life? Just because someone is family, it doesn't mean its right to keep them in your life if all they do is put you under pressure, make you sad, make you feel worthless or demand more of you than they give in return. No relationship can survive based on obligation, bullying, indifference, expectation, etc, and family status is no entitlement to a place in your life if they don't deserve it.

I told my father exactly what I thought of him, and I left the door ajar, telling him that if he wanted to walk through it he had to shape up and be a decent person, or not to bother. So far he hasn't bothered, and I'm better off for it.

The decision to cut my dad out of my life was a painful one, but I just got to the end of my ability to make excuses for someone who didn't deserve to be in my life. It is HE who doesn't recognise the value and meaning of family, not me. Removing him from my life as the only blood relative I have will hurt me till the day I die, but it is still a better choice than allowing myself to be continnually abused, which is what it amounted to. Only you know what will be right for you. I wish you well with your choice, and whatever it is, just continue to be o=your awesome, amazing and wonderful self. Its their loss more than it is yours, if they can't appreciate you. x x x

Also thinking of you Ruby and hoping that all went well for you.
You said that the Vicar is a lovely Person, so is there any way that you could perhaps talk to him about your family problems?? It is worth a try.
You are in a very fragile state at the moment with the loss of your darling Dad, so please do look after yourself.
Re: talking to your Dad:
I lost my Beloved Mum a few years ago, and like you I was absolutely stricken.
Yes, I 'talked' to my Mum after she died, many, many times. I used to sit in the garden on my own every night, and just talk to her (crying more often than talking at the beginning ) as I would have done when she was alive. Gradually I was able to 'talk' to Mum without crying, the dreadful sadness subsided and I felt at peace.
Maybe it was because I had gone through the grieving process, I do not know, but I honestly feel that it helped me at a time when I thought that I could not cope.
'Talk' to your Dad, Ruby. You were very close in life so what have you got to lose?
Take care of yourself and please remember this when things get tough:
There are Lots of us on Gransnet rooting for you, so you are not alone!!

'Friends are God's apology for relations.' Hugh Kingsmill

Oh Ruby, you poor thing. I'm not able to be on the internet as much as I'd like, so I haven't known about this, but I can't tell you how my heart goes out to you.

Don't worry about sounding negative. You're having to talk about the behavior of very negative people; that doesn't mean that you're being a moaner or complainer yourself.

For right now I just want to say that I think you're absolutely amazing. You must take after your Dad! You're spot-on about doing him proud tomorrow.

Wearing his watch is one of the loveliest things I've ever heard.

Given the circumstances any comfort will seem awfully cold, I fear, but I do want you to know that lots of us will be thinking about you tomorrow with nothing but admiration, respect, and affection.

Please don't hesitate to talk to the vicar, or spend time with her. It's so easy to think 'Oh I don't want to be a bother' when in fact you won't be. Stay strong knowing you are clearly your father's daughter.

Hugs and most sincere best wishes.

Dear RubyLady,

My sincere condolences to you!! The loss of a dear loved one can affect us in ways we cannot imagine. I have only heard from my sisters when they want somewhere to stay and ditto for my mother. I have always been the sister to have a family, stayed at home, etc. not much money and they had no kids, lots of money, spent all their adult years travelling etc. My dad - 20 years ago - ended his own life due to the intolerable marriage with my mother. She has always mistreated him and me too as I was the spitting image of him. My mother then has financially benefitted the siblings except for me, as usual, because she enjoys hurting me. So I have finally let go of trying to be nice and basically, just as you have done, have opted to ignore them. I agree with you that sometimes life is just too much trouble to try to please these people who are never anything but looking to be negative, mean spirited, and abusive emotionally and at times physically. I wish we could chat some more if you feel like you need to talk. All the best and life each day to its fullest! xo

My deepest condolences to you, Ruby, on the loss of your beloved dad. I hope the service was everything you wanted and everything your dear father deserved.

So deeply sorry that the rest of your extended family has never been there for you and DS. Some people can't deal with illness or depression in others, so that, unfortunately, may be part of the reason. Also, it seems they have their own demons to battle. So that may be part of it, too. None of that excuses anything, but it may explain it.

I agree with those who say that if you want to distance yourself from these people, you need to screen your calls, not answer their messages and so forth. Even if they show up at your door, just don't let them in. It may be only fair to let them know that you want no more to do with them, at some point, so that they know why these things are happening. But that's something you'll have to use your own judgment on.

They may be hurt and they may argue. But after all the hurt they've put you through, I get the feeling you're not concerned about that. As long as you stick to your guns, there's not much they can do about it.

As another poster said, you can't do anything legally, unless they commit harassment or something like that. If they do, then you may have to go ahead and take legal steps. But I hope it doesn't come to that.

Hi, I posted earlier today but I just re-read your original comment and am trying to think of ways to advise about any unwanted contact. There are some obvious things such as changing your phone number or moving. Less drastic is screening your calls and putting up a gate around your home with a security locking gate. This should keep unwanted people off your premises and they will not be able to call. Any mail sent to you should not be opened and returned to them with a "return to sender" printed on the envelope. Hopefully this will be a way to keep them away. All the best!

I'm a newbie here on GN but I can fully feel what Ruby is going through. I have turned my back on my three children for various reasons, including sexual abuse (my second husband sexually abused my eldest daughter, he was her step father), which broke up my marriage to him. i have since met a lovely man and we have been married for 16 years. My eldest daughter who is now 38 years old, never did anything about her mental state following the abuse, which has led to three failed relationships and three children which she won't let me see. My son is into drugs and lives with the same father, and my youngest daughter has now been seeing my ex (he is her father) and has decided to cut me out of her life as well. They all have children which I do not see. Every time I used to see them before, it was always money they wanted, which we lent them ( considerable amounts I might add) but they were never paid back as promised. Once we stopped lending the money, they stopped contact, despite me trying to contact them. I have now made the decision to cut them out of my life. They were dragging me down with worry, guilt and stress. I know my story isn't the same as Ruby's but I can feel the pain of disowning the family. I'm in early days at the moment but every day gets better and I am now realising that there is a life at the other side of the dark fence. Chin up my dear lady, I wish you health and happiness given with loads of love. xxxxx