What did you learn positive or negative from your own mother in law?

I've had 2 husbands but no mother-in-laws! Not sure whether I should feel deprived or not.

Now that I am a MIL I try not to interfere or be judgmental in any way and of course, always be an available babysitter!!!

My mum in law was a kind gentle lady who had had a difficult life ,she had been widowed very young and had worked long and hard to keep the family together.
I liked and loved her.She was firm but had a twinkle in her eye and a lovely laugh.

My MiL is dead and has been for a quite a few years and I am grateful for that. I will not be so hypocritical to profess regret. She hated me before she even met me and her sole aim in life was to have her only son , my husband, and our daughters to live with her and for me to disappear.

I tried for 20 years to be what she wanted and the only thing that achieved was to forget who I really was. So I stopped trying and that was that.

I am now the MiL to two SIL and I hope I am everything she was not. I treat them the same as my own daughters, I'm respectful and as helpful as I can. I hope I'm doing ok.

My MiL was a hard worker, dedicated to her family. She liked me and I her. Although she had 6 children she was lonely in her old age as all but 1 had emigrated.
From her I learnt to accept that your children are not with you for long and to enjoy and live in the moment. Also to accept with grace your children's big decisions.

I suppose it's not surprising Mumsnet sometimes resent us.

I've learn't to be a nice mother in law, when my own mum died she was so supportive, as unlike many mother's with only son's she doesn't think the sun shines & gave me some great tips on handling DH - he's just like his father

I learned that I was a snob, a bad wife and a lousy mother......apparently.

MIL never cleaned and never had less than six cats and often more. The cats were never supposed to go outside (although they occasionally escaped) and the windows were kept closed. She also had a huge number of feral cats that she fed in her back garden. It was so bad that you could see cat dander floating in the air and it settled on everything including inside the cups she made drinks in. I admit I have snobbish tendencies but I don't think it's snobbish to react when a flea jumps on your leg only to be told that you must have brought it with you or to be unhappy when you have to watch where you put each foot when walking in case you stand in anything unpleasant. I could go on and on but I guess you get the picture.

I must have learned how to be a good and supportive MiL but not from my own.I am still very close to my ex DiL 15 years after she and my S divorced, she and my GD took me out for lunch on Thursday after a hospital visit and when my D and her H separated I had a lovely letter from him sayimng how much he regretted the breakdown of the marriage and that he still loved us and then he came to see us when he was visiting his parents. He is living abroad now but still texts occasionally to see how we are.

She taught me to cook cheap nutritious meals. That cleaning and ironing are not important, but an open welcoming home is!! She also taught me how not to be a doormat and what normal family life was. My own mother was blind so I had a skewed view on what mums did.

I learnt to bite my tongue and not criticise. I always knew when she thought my parenting skills were off but she never said anything.

I learned that hateful, sniping, critical people end up lonely and still boiling in their own bile when they eventually die. Mother in law was a complete nightmare - and not just to me. However, she contrived to spoil children's birthdays, Christmas, anything she could cast a pall of gloom over (including of course our engagement, wedding, and announcement of our first child. Among other unpleasant remarks she 'didn't know if she was pleased or not' to hear the news)
I decided that when my children chose a partner i would love them -unconditionally,
and this I have striven to do. However, the hatefulness of the long dead witch has cast a very long shadow.

I learnt almost everything from my MiL - from how to make gravy to how to be a non-interfering MiL. I learnt tact, discretion and tolerance. She loved me unconditionally from the day she met me when I was 19 (married at 20) and would never allow DH to say a word against me. DH is her eldest of four children.

Her one blind spot, and I do understand it, as she was an orphan and did not receive any love as a child, was her inability to relate to children in anything other than a 'professional' caring way (she was a nurse). She always welcomed our children when they were young, but never in a warm and loving way. The only time she said anything remotely interfering, was to ask why I cuddled my new-born son ('you will spoil him') and to ask why I was breastfeeding ('it will drain all your energy'). But I understood her and there was nothing insistent or undermining in the way she asked these questions.

I learned how not to be a mother-in-law! I promised myself that if ever my son married, I would love his wife unconditionally, even if I didn't like her. After all, we started out with one wonderful thing in common, which was that we both adore my lovely son. I am now blessed with the most delightful little family, my only sorrow being that they live a thousand miles away. We plan to fix that in a couple of years, when I intend to move to Germany to be near (but not with!) them, at their persistent invitation.

Nearly forgot my MIL's best self centred comment ever.

"It's been a terrible year. My cat died."

This was the year our son (her grandson) died. When reminded of this she added, "Yes but I loved my cat. I'll never get over it."

My MIL was an angel, She stayed with me right through my second labour and was downstairs when I gave birth at home.
She was a simple soul, not that well educated as she was the eldest of twelve and had to help out with the young ones. Her life was all about her family and caring for them. She was a tremendous cook and was famous for her bread making. She taught me to make her special bread when she stayed with us for 8 weeks after a major operation.
Babysitting was never a problem, she would drop everything to help me with DC even though she had lots of GC.
I was devastated when she developed an extremely serious condition after taking drugs for her arthritis, sadly she died from this condition in 1981 aged only 58.
The one comfort I have is that my first GC is named after MIL.

I learned everything that a MiL shouldn't do!
She was a selfish, poisonous, lazy, miserable woman who had no redeeming features whatsoever!
She freely admitted that she had never wanted children and my DH was only conceived because it was expected of her......who by, is anyone's guess as my FiL didn't want children either!
I had known her for 19 years when she died, and she still had never made me a cup of coffee!
It wasn't just me that she disliked though, it was basically everyone apart from herself, she was just a very strange woman. She didn't seem to like my FiL very much, never bought him birthday or Christmas presents, I never saw her hug him, my DH or our DS, and she certainly would never have cuddled me!
I have a great relationship with my DiL, she's lovely and is the daughter I never had

I got on well with my MiL - she had had a hard life and came from a deprived background and rather looked up to me thinking i was above her socially! I did my best to reassure her etc. My H was very impatient with her (as my son is with me - just like his father!) and when he was in a bad mood early in our marriage she told me the best way to handle it was to ignore it and carry on as if everything was normal and he'd get over it. She was quite right! The thing that irritated me was the way she was so humble, asking all the time when she helped if she was doing it right! (In contrast to my mum who just got on with it!) she (miL) was never critical of me or the children and I try to be that way with my DiLs though i am a very different character! What I learned was how to make lancashire meat and potato pie the way my H likes it! And to try to help DiL without criticising but also not to ask 'is this right?' All the time! ButIm sure I am irritating at times - they never say so though!

Not a lot basically. and that says a lot about her really!

Gosh - vampirequeen Words really do fail me.

My second mother-in-law is difficult, partly as she was not impressed by our getting married and also probably because I'm fifteen years older than her son. We didn't tell her we were getting married (didn't tell anyone mind you) and she was furious. But on our first meeting her question of 'how do you cope with your weight problem?' rather put our relationship on a bad footing from the start. She is Spanish and when my (now) husband remonstrated with her the next day about being rude, her answer was that it was the language problem. This is from the woman who has been in England since she was 18 and is now 81! If I was a young newly married I'd worry about it, but the beauty of being that much older is that I don't give a monkies. She is the loser in the end

Oh Vampirequeen! Like Moocow, words completely fail me. Such heartlessness is right off the Richter scale.

Absolutely nothing postive. A lesson in how not to do it, in fact.

Am doing the opposite to this truly unpleasant and cruel woman.

I have a good relationship with my lovely son in law.

Dear God, vq she takes the biscuit and no mistake! How awful for you.

Vampirequeen, that is truly shocking

My MIL was a gem. She lost her own mother at 12 and became the home-maker for her father and brother. She was a lovely, caring woman with a great repertoire of hearty recipes, and endless love for her grandchildren. She helped me a lot when they were small without making a song and dance about it, and I only really appreciated how much she did once I became a grandmother myself. My DC particularly loved to bake and cook with her and this is something I like to do a lot of with my own DGC.

Not to follow my daughter in law around saying 'You sit down, dear, and I'll do it'. I know she meant well but it drove me to distraction. It used to be a joy to go to the toilet as it was the only place she couldn't say it to me !!