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What to do.?

(11 Posts)
Hildagard Wed 17-Aug-16 15:58:41

I am totally at a loss on what todo , so any suggestions would be gratefully received.My eldest DDaged 34 has just informed me that she is pregnant, and going to have an abortion. She has two children already which she cannot control. She keeps here's to herself and says quote'Im a grown women, I don't need help' Her partner has told my DH that he may move out, he is not the father of the other two. Little bit of background, she and I do not get on, she is very much like her father, who I divorced. I think that professional help is required, but am loath to get in touch with social services, what can I do?

BGB31 Wed 17-Aug-16 16:13:32

That's a difficult situation Hildagard.

Why do you think she told you? Is she asking you to do something in a round a bout way?

Badenkate Wed 17-Aug-16 16:21:50

To be honest Hildegard I'm not sure there is anything you can do. What do you want to do anyway?

Hildagard Wed 17-Aug-16 16:29:33

My grandson was a lovely little boy, he now gets hardly any attention, his sister can do no wrong. I honestly think that they would be better away from their mother until she sorts herself out, she needs counselling but has refused it in the past. She is a very angry young women, the language is appalling, not a good role model.I try to get to see the grand children regularly, but she blocks it, saying she has 'plans' so they miss out. On top of all this my other DD has just in the last month miscarried, a very much wanted baby🙁

ninathenana Wed 17-Aug-16 16:34:26

Sad for you all to find yourselves in this situation but sorry to say she is a grown woman and it is for her and the father to decide. If he wants the child then I have every sympathy with him. However, there is nothing you can do about it and I certainly don't think SS would see the need to get involved.

ninathenana Wed 17-Aug-16 16:37:13

That may sound a bit blunt. It wasn't intend that way.

GillT57 Wed 17-Aug-16 17:39:19

Sad situation, but as nina has already said, it is unlikely that SS will be involving themselves. Your daughter is a grown woman, albeit sounds like a very unhappy one, and I do wonder why she felt the need to tell you about the planned abortion if you dont even get on with each other well. It could either be that she really wants to be talked out of it, but really that is for her and the Father of the child to discuss, or it is just sheer spite, sorry. And, controversially, if she is so angry, is not coping at all well with the two children she already has, cannot consider the feelings of the man who fathered the child then maybe, just maybe, it is the best decision. I dont say this lightly, as in a ideal world every child would be a wanted child, but if she is going to have this abortion, she really does need to sort out contraception and make sure this ghastly situation does not happen again. Frankly, if you dont get on well with her anwyay, you have nothing to lose telling her this, too many people pussyfoot around not wishing to offend, and by doing this enable the people that hurt them to continue to do so. My priorities in your situation, would be your other daughter who has just miscarried a wanted child. Sorry if this is blunt.

Hildagard Wed 17-Aug-16 19:51:42

Gill, not blunt at all, I want honest feed back. We don't think that the father is totally in agreement, but if she does go ahead with it I feel that I can now say about more than I have in the past.

TriciaF Wed 17-Aug-16 20:58:30

I agree there's little you can do, just listen.
Sadly we've had some experience of the younger folk going for abortion and I got the impression that it's not such a shock/horror thing as it was in our days. sad

Hildagard Wed 17-Aug-16 22:25:51

Thanks for feed back x

wondergran Wed 17-Aug-16 23:01:09

Could you go out to lunch or for coffee together some time soon. Try to have a pleasant, relaxed time and she may well open up to you a bit. It does sound as if the relationship between you is somewhat strained. Maybe tell her that you're around to help if she needs anything and then back off and keep yourself busy with your own life, it might be good for her to hear that you are there for her if required. Do you think that she feels you are critical of her and her parenting style which is causing you to clash somewhat. Help out where you can if it is required but there is nothing else you can do. She is an adult and she has to sort out her own problems. Try not to be too upset by the abortion, if she undertakes it. If she cannot cope with two children then she would never cope with 3 of them.