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Advice please

(26 Posts)
Ceesnan Sun 28-Aug-16 19:58:42

I'm hoping the power of GN wil solve a dilemma for my sister. Briefly, she has just found out that her ex husband died last year. He walked out 32 years ago and had no contact with her or his three daughters since then. The death notice spoke of a much loved Dad and Grandad, and my sister is wondering whether to try and make contact with his new family to fill in the gap between him leaving and his death. My feeling is leave well alone, but I can understand how she feels. Any opinions appreciated!!

merlotgran Sun 28-Aug-16 20:01:44

Leave well alone. Keep him in the past where he belongs. He walked out, after all.

phoenix Sun 28-Aug-16 20:04:13

I'm with you on this, 32 years is a long time, what on earth could be gained by contact with the "new" family after all this time?

f77ms Sun 28-Aug-16 20:11:32

The only thing I would add is that his children have step brothers /sisters who may want to be in touch .

I would leave well alone if it was me but I can understand why she wants to know .

Tizliz Sun 28-Aug-16 20:17:27

My OH found he had a half brother because this brother's step son went to the same school as our son. It was a bit of a shock to him. This was in a completely different town in which he grew up in. Just saying it can happen to anyone and it spoilt an already rocky relationship with his mother. Be careful as you don't know what will happen in the future.

Ceesnan Sun 28-Aug-16 20:20:28

She says she wants to know if he ever talked about his old life. Personally I think it is highly likely that they have no idea that she or his daughters exist as he had a tendancy to rewrite history to suit himself.

thatbags Sun 28-Aug-16 20:25:38

What does she want the answer to be to the question of whether he spoke of her and his daughters? What if the answer she gets is the opposite of what she wants? Wouldn't that generate the original hurt all over again?

Penstemmon Sun 28-Aug-16 20:34:13

Hard! because she once loved him enough to marry /have a family with. She maybe grieving even after all this time.
I felt a terrible loss when a lover of mine died..we had both "moved on" but it was grief despite that.

I don't know if contacting his current family will help. It might cause ructions for the family or not as they may know all about may cause your sister greater sadness to see the happiness they may have had that she did not... I guess sending a card to the family and signing it with her married name (with an address/contact) puts the ball into their court. She would need to be able to accept they could just ignore it and be able to accept that before she took that course of action.

Ceesnan Sun 28-Aug-16 20:35:29

I'm guessing that she would like the answer to be that he never spoke of them. That way she can just reaffirm to herself that he was a waste of space and she was well rid of him. I'm not sure what her reaction would be if she was to hear that he often spoke of them. Mind you, I find that possible scenario unlikely.

annsixty Sun 28-Aug-16 20:40:09

Leave well alone as Merlot said. Nothing at all to be gained and a lot to be raked up.
The past is another country not to be revisited.

Wobblybits Sun 28-Aug-16 20:41:13

Penstemmon has a good point, regardless of what may happen later, we all loved our partners at one time, and regardless of what may happen later, nothing can take those happy times away. Time heals so many things, I think a carefully worded letter that leaves the ball in their court would be a good move.

obieone Sun 28-Aug-16 20:52:01

Even if your sister wants to leave it alone, one or more of her daughters may not.
Personally I would want to find out. But I appreciate that I am not them.

Ceesnan Sun 28-Aug-16 22:07:23

Thanks for taking the time to read and reply. I will show this to my sister. My nieces are all of the opnion that she should let the past stay in the past so hopefully she will.

rosesarered Sun 28-Aug-16 22:09:46

Let sleeping dogs lie.

BlueBelle Sun 28-Aug-16 22:39:13

If I can add my two penneth .... I d say leave it alone, he walked out, he chose to have nothing to do with his daughters he presumably didn't maintain them either, so to all intents and purposes he wiped them all out of his life 32 years ago I doubt he d be telling his new family that he had abandoned his wife and children. if your sister had wanted to find him she had all those years to do it in, why make contact now ? what would it achieve I would have thought he d been dead to your family for years. If any of the children want to contact their half siblings that's fine, but it's not up to you to drop the bombshell I d say keep well away

TenGran Sun 28-Aug-16 23:02:09

I'd have thought that it was entirely up to his daughters.

Charleygirl Mon 29-Aug-16 00:26:43

32 years is a long time, I would leave well alone. What can be gained by raking up the past?

Synonymous Mon 29-Aug-16 00:48:20

She should keep her dignity and leave well alone.

thatbags Mon 29-Aug-16 06:53:50

There's a saying: The only reason for looking back is to see how far you've come.

Im68Now Mon 29-Aug-16 07:59:12

I,m loving the responses that this post as generated I:E

leave well alone, look back to see how far you're come, let sleeping dogs lie, another country not to be revisited, leave well alone, etc:

We should not forget that their is 3 daughters and I just know that they would want to find out all about their Dad, wouldn't you, I know I would. smile

annsixty Mon 29-Aug-16 08:05:36

They have had many years to do that when it would seem they didn't.
Their father never looked for them either.
As sai, leave well alone. If his second family knew nothing about them, this is not the time to open that particular can of worms.

BlueBelle Mon 29-Aug-16 08:22:49

We should not forget that their is 3 daughters and I just know that they would want to find out all about their Dad, wouldn't you, I know I would

but the original poster has already said her nieces have said 'don't go there' so no they obviously don't want to know Iam68 If he didnt bother with his own children for 32 years why would they want to torture themselves with hearing what a wonderful Dad he was to other children...... totally mortifying and damaging to those three girls

Im68Now Mon 29-Aug-16 08:41:35

When someone dies its put a difference perspective on life, I think that those daughters are thinking about the type of life that their father led, I've said enough, we'll just have to wait and see, I'm sure the OP will keep us informed. hmm

rosesarered Mon 29-Aug-16 08:41:37

You said it BlueBelle ( so I don't need to) smile
Nothing worse than a parent who abandoned you totally, what a git!

Ceesnan Mon 29-Aug-16 09:10:10

My nieces were 12 and 10 (twins) when their dad left. He never sent them even a card for birthdays or Christmas, and left their mother with a zero bank balance, countless debts and a mortgage to pay. Unsurprisingly they have no desire for her to try and contact the family.