Asperger grandson not invited to party

My grandson has a few friends because his dad and a friend set up a football team for the boys who would never be asked to play in the school team. Some of them have ADHD and other problems. They play in a league and lose most games, but enjoy it.
They invite each other to parties, and have days out ten pin bowling as a reward for playing as a team.
They have been doing this for five years now. They even have a couple of players who are in the school teams, but they enjoy playing with this team.
I know not all boys enjoy football, but it's possible to start another club, go running or cycling with a few friends.

My DS, I am sure, has some form of autism. After seeing him for five minutes, the professionals decided not. But when I live with him, I do think so. He wasn't invited to parties, he didn't have parties. The only one he had was when he was about 6 or 7 and he ended up upset upstairs because he found it difficult to mix with people. He has only just found mates, he says, that he feels "at home" with and now is worried that he won't find the same at university. I do try to reassure him but he will still worry. It is awful when you feel like that, I did when I was a child somewhat. He has to work very hard at making friends although he is very loyal and trustworthy when he is a friend.

My ED, on the other hand, had the whole class to parties and was invited all the time to parties. It's just different personalities and sometimes, being easy to make friends can be as bad. It can be a shallow friendship, because they are easy come, easy go. But my DS cherishes his friends now, and works hard to keep them.

red Maybe if this is what the mother is teaching her son, then your DGS would be advised to find others, as well as this boy, to play with at school. Maybe not put all his eggs in one basket and widen his net a bit to others who would appreciate and care for him for who he is. Maybe his mum can have a word with his teacher and help him to make other friends, sit next to new people, broaden himself a bit. He will need to learn how to deal with this as he gets older, so this is a life lesson, unfortunately, very sad. If someone was being nasty to us, as adults, then we would move on, cut our loses. I'm not saying not to play with him, just have him play with more people too so that he has more choice and therefore less hurt in the future. Just a thought. Keep your chin up.

That's such a shame especially as he is good friends with the boy but if he's not worried then it's ok. I think the Mother was totally unfair but your daughter knows this and I am sure she will arrange something for your grandson and his friend to do together if she can .

It is hard to make comments when you don't know all th facts. One possibility - just a guess - is that the boy and/or his mother want to have more friends to the party but the other childrens parents have said they don't want your GS there - the other children, if they do not know him well, may find him a bit scary, or be shy of him. Or does he use swear words as some aspergers do? Maybe the party will involve going out to a Macdonald's or somewhere and the party boys mother does not want your GS to let them down, or she may genuinely feel that he will not be happy.
This is a test for your GS and his friend, their relationship may have run its course, or it may survive. Unfortunately this is life and we have to be the loving supports that pick up the pieces and make sure that these children know that they are loved and are loveable.

Why not come up with something better for him to do on that day?

Hi Red I think you are completely right to feel angry, there is nothing worse than someone hurting one of your loved ones. A similar thing happened to one of my sons when he was about 5, he was not invited to the party of one of his group of friends when all the others were, no explanation was offered, we did something special to make up for his upset. On our return home I was stunned when the birthday child appeared at the door sent by the mother bringing my Son a piece of birthday cake. I thanked the child then that evening after my Son had gone to bed wrote a note to the mum telling her exactly what I thought of her and put it through her letterbox accompanied by the cake. The boys remained friends and we invited the child to my son's birthday parties after this,children do get over these things quickly the mum never spoke to me again though which was a bonus. Whether I was wrong or right to do this, It felt good to have my say, I could not have spoken to her face to face and remained calm.

starbird, I may have misunderstood your post but my impression is that you aren't as well informed about the issues surround asbergers andASD generally as many of the people who have contributed here.
My grandson is what is referred to as high functioning ASD, he may have asbergers but whatever the diagnosis he is definitely on the spectrum. To say that other children may be scared of children like the OP's grandson, my grandson and so many of the other children mentioned here seems to me to be missing the point. I don't want to appear to be having a go at your but honestly, it's much more likely that ASD children are bullied and fear other children than the other way round.
The party does not involve MacDonalds, its an Xbox bus.
I wonder if you are confusing ASD with Turrets syndrome, that's the syndrome where people swear. My grandson is now a young adult, and is increasingly aware that one of his social issues is that if he meets someone who will talk with him, he tends to go on about one of his 'areas of special interest'. He is so much more self aware that he said to me recently "whoops gran, I'm being boring aren't I' as he described the plot of his latest Sci Fi Novel. At 6 or 7 he didn't have a diagnosis and was unmercifully bullied at school. I could go on but I'll stop there because I'm sure you meant no harm starbird and my defence of my grandson and so many other (mainly) boys I met through work over the years is spilling over.

Well said Iam64 you took the words out of my mouth
Starbird the children have no fear of him the original post says that at least four of them are good friends I don't think you read the thread very well aspergers children aren't likely to be swearing, they are much more likely to be the quiet a bit scared one no Mcdonalds in the equation the party is an Xbox party which the little boy would be comfortable and able for as he is good with computers
Cathymum I admired your reaction and would like to think that's what I would have done too I think you handled it very well
Exclusion is a severe form of bullying and coming from an adult is unforgivable in my mind

Yes. I've never heard of Asperger kids being particularly sweary. Definitely Tourette's.

And Tourette's doesn't have to be swearing. That's the popularised version.

Surely we can understand that it wouldn't be a good idea to invite a child you know would hate it and would probably have to be comforted. Best to come to a separate arrangement.

Too quick to condemn, I think.

My grandson apologises to me for knowing what swearwords are, tells me who uses them, then tells me we needn't.
So thoughtful of him.

Very unusual for an Asperger child to realise he is being boring. Practically possible I would have thought.

impossible

cathymum, even though I said the OP should stay out of it, I can't help but admire the re-gifting of the cake!

You saying I'm a fibber thenJingle? I did say, he is now in his twenties and has been helped to understand his behaviour because he is very intelligent and has read, researched a lot. He is developing insight. Plus, his diagnosis is ASD/atypical, not asbergers. He could certainly be thought to have asbergers by people he meets.

I didn't realise he was grownup. No. Just couldn't understand it with a child. Yes, I realise an adult can accept and realise how they behave.

Thanks jingle, glad we sorted that. It's sometimes difficult not to feel defensive on his behalf. He is a gentle, kind and interesting young man, though it can be mind blocking when he gets enthralled in his own stories.

My eldest DGS, now grown up, has Asbergers. When he was 7, his younger brother, a lovely sociable boy, was also excluded from parties by association with his elder brother. Parents at the school asked that DGS be expelled from the school because of his condition. Instead, he was sent to a special unit one day each week where he was taught coping strategies and how to behave in a 'normal' way so he could fit in with the other children, He is highly intelligent and now has a high powered job in the City.

Surely we can understand it wouldn't bea good idea to invite a child you know would hate it and would probably have to be comforted

Jinglebells nowhere in the original post does it say anything that comnects to that answer indeed the reverse, the original poster says that it's a computer based party and the little boy would like that as he is good with computers it also said he had been to previous parties of this child's without problems so where your statement arrived from I can't imagine

Wtf is an "Xbox bus"?! I

I have never actually worked out what an 'Xbox' is. I bought my GS a Google Pixel C for his birthday. He plays games on it. Is an Xbox the same sort of thing?

Will this Xbox playing mean that it will be a quiet well ordered party?

Quite the reverse jingl, Xbox games can be very noisy and violent. They are often played on large screen TV. My GC are not allowed one, they play nice girlie games on a WiiU grin

even.

I have great sympathy with you on this, redf8235, as I also have a grandson who is autistic/aspergers. Mine is older, 17.
It is hurtful and baffling why your grandson was not invited to that party and I can understand how angry you are.
But I do not think you can go against your daughter's wishes really. Our job is to help and comfort, but not to make decisions like this, unfortunately! I often long to interfere but have learned the hard way to zip my lip!
I have a wonderful relationship with my grandson, he is lovely in every way, - just a bit different, that is all.
He certainly never gets sweary or scary, quite the opposite. I think some people misunderstand autism.
One difference between your grandson and mine is that mine will not go to any parties or social gathering which he does not regard as family. He has always had a bee in his bonnet about this. He will only mix with 'family'.
Best wishes.

Apart from the likely "triad" of difficulties with communication, difficulties with social interaction and repetitive behaviour, I really don't think anyone can assume anything about children with ASD. My 10 year old grandson has high-end ASD, he loves parties and isn't bothered by noise. He tries very hard to be friendly and whilst he doesn't always get it right, you can remind him that he has talked for long enough about a particular subject and he will stop. I can quite see that with time he will be able to recognise cues that he is boring people with a monologue. He already has a traffic light system for what he can say to family, friends, people he knows a little and total strangers. Other people with ASD will never be able to recognise social cues, some will never speak. It is a condition that covers a huge range of behaviours.
My heart goes out to the little boy in the OP and I think there is no excuse for the behaviour of the other boy's parent.
My grandson's teacher says that he will often avoid children who would like to be friendly because he is scared of getting it wrong and being rejected.
It is heartbreaking sometimes.