Asperger grandson not invited to party

I do really feel for you and your family in this situation. It’s a no-win issue. I can totally see why you feel the way you do.
However, I think caution is required.
Be sure that the main problem is your grandson’s feelings and not you and your daughter’s anger.
Are you sure that you want to speak to the mother, and are you confident that you could do this without any rancour? Are you certain that you won’t make things worse?
The reason I’m suggesting this is that if your “talk” upsets or annoys the mother in any way, she may feel that her son should stop associating with your grandson? She may have thought she was making the right decision about the party and be angry to be questioned?
Regardless of who or what was right or wrong, your grandson and his relationships should be the very first consideration.
Also, is your grandson picking up on the anger? How will that help him? You mentioned that you are feeling too angry to think about arranging something with the two boys. I was thinking that planning a little treat for them would re-direct your annoyance into something more positive, re-Inforce the boys’ relationship, and show the mother that you value their relationship. Also, if you really feel that you have to talk to the mother, it would give you a route in to that conversation. As others have said, it would need to be a calm and positive interaction and totally non –accusatory.

There seems to be a trend for birthday parties to include the whole class these days. My 7 year old grandson said he didn't want them all to come to his party, only the ones that he played with frequently and he chose them. My daughter then got an angry email from one mum asking why her son hadn't been invited!! I think it is much more dignified to say nothing and I hope redf8234 your grandson can do something lovely on the day of this party. I know though it won't take away the hurt.

I agree with lilihu- it is so hard not to be angry on their behalf- but for your grandson's sake keep it very calm. I don't know your GS but have worked with children on the spectrum - it may be that the noise and mayhem would upset him- or the mother may believe so, so the suggestion of a treat on another day with his friend seems a good one, for his sake. It may also show the mum that tolerance and understanding win out- she may feel embarrassed at her own reaction and learn from your examples. I hope it all works out for you.

pollyputthekettleon! Give it a bit of thought.

I am so sorry your son hasn't been invited to the party, it's wrong and offencive. I had the same problem with my daughter, she has slight learning problems and prone to fits. My niece was getting married and wanted it to be a family affair. My sister phoned me to tell me that my daughter wasn't invited as they felt it was suitable for her! I replied that it wad t suitable for her to mix with with ignorant and offensive people and nobody from my side of the family would attend. Haven't spoken since. Maybe you could have a word with the parents. Good luck

Might not be a bad idea to send him into school on the day with a nice card for the birthday boy. Might make the mum think a bit. (Although I do see her point of view. But think she should have wrapped it up better, to cause less hurt)

LesleyC that has not been my experience - the little ones up to age about 5 invite the whole class but thereafter it seems to be 'best friends' (only 3 or 4) who are invited to a treat.

However, in this case it seems quite a lot of little boys have been invited and I can understand how upset you feel redf. Making a fuss and tackling the mother about it could cause a lot of friction and cause a rift between the boys.

as DH said, whilst the parents are squabbling over something to do with the children, the children themselves have forgotten the upset and are playing happily together again.

Best say nothing, don't make a big issue out of it and do something special with your DGS on that day.

It's best if you keep quiet until an appropriate opportunity arises to mention it.Very hard to keep quiet I know as I always take the bull by the horns so to speak hopefully your grandson might not be bothered .I I do hope your daughter had her say to the boys mother.

I agree Greyduster. So sad though. My son (now 35) has Aspergers and still struggles with work/life.

Jinglebells I m interested in what you think is the Mums reasons that you say you see her point of view about?

I agree with those that say no more big parties after about 7yrs - too chaotic and too expensive - we cut down to treats with a couple of friends - it always hurts when your child is excluded but life is sometimes tough and we cant always protect them. Last night my tiny just 4yrs old DGD said she was 'rugby tackled' by another child in the playground and there were no teachers there to intervene. This is only her second week at school. I am furious, but my DD is sanguine. She has mentioned it to the teacher,naming no names and not saying there was no teacher present - she will keep an eye on the situation but I would have gone off the deep end but as my DD says, she will have to learn to understand that not everyone is nice - its life.

redf8235 My immediate thought on reading your OP was that the mum was being considerate about your Sam possibly not enjoying the party. If the boys have been friends for 3 years she will have got to know how he copes with certain occasions. It could be that Sam is fine one-to-one with the boy but his mum may feel the noise and excitement of a group of children may be too much for him. I know it would be for my 7yo DGS.

Please do not challenge the boy's mum about this and do not talk about your anger in front of your DGS, who will have to cope alone with such situations as he grows older. As others have said it might be the birthday boy who doesn't want Sam at his party and the mother was trying to make the decision easier to accept.

Whatever the reason it's her house, her rules

First of all this mum is not a very nice person.She won't be excluding my gs out of any kindness to him. She is a prolific liar to the point of embarrassment.
She is worried that Sam will have meltdown and spoil party for her son, I get that.She is also worried that she will have spent money on Sam place at the party when he may leave after 5 mins , I get that.
I suppose I'm saying here that Sam will be hurt and wonder why no invite.
It's not his fault and it's not her fault.It's just tough.

Aw redf, there is no fault , it's tough and it hurts , life does hurt at times because at times it's unfair

Have you actually told your GS that he is not invited ? or has the other child said so ? If he is not aware he has not been asked, perhaps you and your daughter could find out if there is anything on locally which he would enjoy, book it up without him knowing, then, once he realises, if he does, that he has not received an invite, you can say Oh, we clean forgot that date ....we booked a secret surprise trip to .........for all of us on that date .....Perhaps we could get a nice card and/or not/ a little gift for your friend, and say sorry ...I am sure he will miss you as you won't be there ....

If he already knows and realises he has not been invited, that is more difficult....he could ask his little friend why he was not invited, if he usually has been, and see what his mum says to the question ! She can hardly tell her son to tell your GS he would find it difficult...

If he realises, and is upset tell him that instead of buying a pressie for his friend, he can spend the money on something he would like for himself !

My 'job' as the grandmother of a child with ASD is to love him and accept him and appreciate the many fine qualities he does have red. I might also help him develop the skills he needs to negotiate his way through a world which will never understand him.

I don't need to take up cudgels on his behalf, though I really understand your anger at how he will feel, as you obviously love him dearly. Can you perhaps direct your love and talents into defusing his hurt instead (((hugs))))

My grandson is also considered to be on the autistic spectrum and receives no party invitations. Even worse when he attended scouts and judo he was bullied and excluded by the children and even if he goes to the park he won't stay long as children talk about him and laugh. He is a normal looking boy and even thou his social skills are improving her is labelled. . He has one good friend who isn't at his school In school he ia usually marginalised and been bullied on the bus.

He left his 1st school and went to a Church of England 1st school and they were so much kinder, now he has moved up to a middle school and many of the children from the school he left have joined that school.

If you watched the BBC programme The A word you may remember in the first episode the little boy was excluded from a birthday party despite the family having given a big party for him. That is exactly what happened to him.

His mother says it would be OK if they just left him alone as now at 11 he prefers to be on his own. What a childhood. They live in a nice middle class area.

He has just been given a puppy and I am so happy to see him laugh and play with the puppy as I haven't seen him so relaxed and happy for many years.

lilihu; good post. After my most recent spat with DD I have agonised about whether my inability to forgive and forget and to chew over most of lifes problems ad infinitum have rubbed off on her. If I could go back in time I may have adopted more of a 'these things happen; we just have to get on with it' approach'.

He may not have enjoyed it.

He will not understand the outrage............do something else. Such is life I am afraid and who wants to go somewhere on sufferance because people are afraid of causing offence. Karma will kick her in the pants, wait and see.

It's very hurtful when your own child is excluded, but remember it is the birthday boy's MOTHER who is doing it and not the child himself. Don't let it affect their friendship

My dear only GS hates parties. His Mum insists he goes when invited. She always stays (to give a hand) because she knows the minute he's eaten he wants to go home. He's not aspergers or any thing-just doesn't like parties or being scociable (a bit like his Dad, our dear SIL)
We're all different aren't we? and we can't make the world perfect for our offspring sadly.

You say you understand the mother's reasons for not inviting your boy to the party. But you obviously dislike this woman for other reasons you don't disclose. So the mother is actually being reasonable in not inviting him to the party ( he may spoil it for her son - it's his birthday after all). She wants to limit the numbers ( so best not invite a child who won't like all the noisy chaos that goes with 7 year old boys at a party). So don't make a big issue of it. There will be other challenges along the way.

Doesn't make any difference what you think of the mum redf. The advice on here is still sound. Just try to handle it in such a way that your son doesn't get hurt, and the boys' friendship continues.

Grandson.

My 9 year old grandson was at a party last weekend. It was very noisy but he wore ear defenders and spent most of the party with the mother of the birthday girl. His friends all know what he's like so no body minded.