Mental trauma from being hit as a child.

I agree that not everyone can put an unhappy childhood behind them, and our experiences as a child form our present personalities.
But it doesn't help to have hurt and hatred festering inside for the rest of your life. Why let those unkind people carry their influence over you forever?
Is it possible to forgive, but not forget? Once you've been able to let go of the hate you'll feel a burden has been lifted off your shoulders.
I wasn't ill treated as a child, (though I felt isolated and afraid during WW2) but I was affected by the violence of my ex. Hopefully got over that now.

This thread has made me think. The child next door gets hit/smacked by the parents. I hear it. I can't see it. As far as I know it's not a criminal offence. I don't know what I should do.

It's not always easy to 'get over it'. My childhood and other life events have made me what I am today - nervous, anxious and lacking self-esteem. My brother was unable to 'get over it' and committed suicide as a young man.

My own childhood was not happy - more psychological ill treatment rather than physical, although there was some of that. I remember when my father was hitting me for some reason and I put up my arm to protect myself and then received a further beating for daring to raise my hand to him! As a result I never had a close relationship with my parents, however, I decided some time ago that whilst I couldn't forget I would forgive. My father is long gone now but my mother is still with us (although now living on the other side of the world), I am still not close to her but no longer resent her. I had a very happy marriage and prefer to think about that rather than my childhood.

SupernanI think it depends on the extent of the smacking, if it bothers you I think you should tell someone, school or social worker.

I think we may have different meaning to 'getting over it'. I doubt anyone gets over their childhood, good or bad but we can get on with our lives and let the lessons learned make us behave in what we consider to be a better way. If you have been bullied and belittled throughout your childhood it is very likely you will be needy in some way for the rest of your life, whether or not you let others see it.

We all come into our adult lives with baggage....what you do with it is what matters.

Egggs-acly!!

And please, no counselling at our time of life. Definitely not on the NHS.

jbf I had counselling at the age of 54 to help me come to terms with being hit so often by my adoptive mother, that I would wet myself, it was better to be locked in the under stairs cupboard where she didn't hit me. I had the counselling at this age because my exhusband left me for another woman after 25 years married, this very nearly destroyed me, so the counselling helped in many ways, and I didn't ever smack my three children, simply adored them and still do. I think counselling can help at any age.

Well said Nannyloveshopping We sometimes need help without minds as well as our bodies.

I don't know why people find it so unacceptable to have help for a troubled mind but accept all sort of cxxx for a troubled body .,...easier to see a problem I guess

I agree with BlueBelle, that is spot-on. Otherwise, you might as well make the claim that childhood has no influence on the adult. I'm sure you all know the saying, variously ascribed to the Jesuits, St Francis or Aristotle, 'Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man.'

Surely our mental health is important all through our lives. No- one is too old for counselling. It matters more that you are psychologically - minded and can see the link between present behaviours/ thinking and past events/ situations. Improving mental health improves physical health. We always need a holistic approach.

We probably won't live long enough to get counselling on the NHS Jinglebells

Counselling services on the NHS have expanded considerably in recent years.

I've had excellent counselling courtesy of the NHS, my only regret was not asking for help years before.

Sometimes one can't forgive but can set negative experiences aside having learned how to deal with the emotional upheaval caused or contributed to by said events.

mumofmadboys Sorry to disagree but it may depend on the area you live in but in my area the mental health services of which counselling would come under has been cut to such a degree that half the workers need it as much as the clients they would probably be a year s waiting list and then it would be limited to maybe 6 weeks

Thank you so much for all your responses. I know forgiving and forgetting is the right way to go but I can't forgive him. I am not that frightened little girl with no one to protect me and I have no right to forgive him on her behalf. I resent him for what he did. I have no idea why he felt it was the right way to go. He used to say, virtuously, that he would never hit a woman. No but it was OK to hit a little girl. Where's the logic in that?

I will live with this resentment. it hurts, but I can't just drop it. I have a good life now and a wonderful husband and three daughters and nearly 5 grandchildren. I love all of them and they love me.

My father is the past It was painful but I can't alter it so I must live with it.

I don't think it was how he was brought up. His father was away at sea a lot and his mother was a warm, cuddly lady who adored him. I have spoken to 2 of my cousins from that side of the family and they both said their fathers' were the same (his brothers). It doesn't make sense, except that they fought in WW2 and maybe that hardened them.

Again thank you all. I feel for your experiences. The little girl whose stepfather beat her every day for instance.

It's all terribly sad.

Not in this area mumofmadboys - it is quite the opposite! The only "talking therapy" available in this area on the NHS is CBT and the waiting list is very short because the practitioners are so useless that all the patients drop out after a couple of sessions!!

I always smile when I watch GPs Behind Closed Doors and they pass people on fpr counselling - what counselling? I ask myself

Melanie A lot of us got smacked and even smacked our own children occasionally, if only to stop them running into the road, but what happened to you is abuse, from an abusive cruel father.
See him for what he was. Admit you don't like him you don't have to. Many women feel they have to find some good points about their abusive fathers and husbands. If they have abused you admit it happened and then try to move on. Don't worry if you don't feel sorry he's not alive. How could you be.
It took me years before I admitted that the first feelings I had about my father on hearing he had died was relief!
He was continually bad tempered and we were always afraid of him although he was not so heavy handed - more controlling.

Hope you can draw a line under it and move on.

I have often wondered why my siblings and myself looked after and helped our father as got older after the horrendous childhood we had. He never took responsibility or apologised for his actions.

I so agree KatyK. My mother was frequently verbally and physically towards me when I was a child and verbally abusive when I was an adult - and then when she had a dementia everyone expected me to look after her, which I did until she passed away at the age of 90.

Counselling is usually useless. I can tell understand getting help where necessary from a qualified psychiatrist. Counsellors are little more than amateurs. They got rid of the one at our surgery.

Jings - I agree.
Having been one myself, I always realised that what I was able to offer was a drop in the ocean, compared to what was needed.
Problems that take years to build up take years to repair, if ever.

Ouch Jinglebells that is harsh I can understand you saying the one at your surgery was useless ( if she was) but to judge every counsellor as useless and armatures is extremely judgemental and very harsh If it's not for you it's not for you but many many people have been helped by counselling and what help they have received can only be judged by them not you