should we be teaching our grandchildren manners

busilizzie is quite right - my son (who is now in his thirties) often says what a huge difference it has made to his life that I was always a stickler for good manners and respect for others.This has given him confidence in most social situations, and also in the workplace, where he has to deal directly with,and help, all sorts of people from all walks of life, many of whom may be ill or stressed. Such abilities have helped him 1. to help others more effectively at critical times in their lives, and 2. manage problems. It hasn't done his career any harm, either!

chrislou I have been known to correct adults!
On occasion if we have been out for a meal and someone at the table has said to the waiter for example
'I'll have the roast lamb'
I will add the 'please'.
If I have held a shop door open for another to go through and I am ignored then I will sometimes say in a loud voice 'Thankyou'

Courtesy to others is a valuable life-skill. The lack of social skills is of huge disadvantage. Please help your grand children by supporting civilised and courteous behaviour.Anyone who never said thank you is probably the person who wonders why 'nothing ever goes right for them' or 'never given anything'. Poor social skills are very limiting as no one wants to be around loutish and yobbish behaviour.

Etheltbags I do agree with you and I would always say to my children just because there are ill mannered people around and it is ill mannered if someone gives you or does something for you not to say please or thank you that you don't have to be like them.I now observe how well mannered s my grown up children are and really does it take so much to respect others.Respect I believe is a word many have never heard of.

Rosina - you have expressed my feelings perfectly. Good manners are often time consuming to instill into our children, but they will pay off handsomely when our youngsters get out into the big wide world. Demonstrating good manners is the oil which lubricates our communications with others, and can ease our way forward. Inherent good manners shows respect for others, and there's little of that these days! Rudeness gets you nowhere.

My view is that the majority of children should respect their parents no matter what their age. Even when they are adults themselves, they should always respect their parents and that jncludes manners. Grandchildren should not be allowed to be unruly anywhere. Manners show breeding and should be taught from being tiny. It is a sad fact that it isn't the case today. Parents in their 20/30s and 40s think they are a law unto themselves. A lot are arrogant and very ignorant when it comes to common decency and respect for others. It is a sad state of affairs and I thank God every day that I am in the latter stages of my life because the future looks very bleak the way children are brought up today. It's me,me,me first, last and always. A very self centred view, full of greed by many. Not nice at all.

I find it quite hard to tolerate bad manners as please, thank you and excuse me are things I taught my children. Mostly my three grandchildren do this but occasionally I find one delving into the biscuit barrel without asking. I have explained I do not mind what they have but please just ask first. This has worked. One of my GDDs friends is very rude no please or thank you and if you ask her something it is What when she is in my house. I do correct her and will continue to do so because this is something going forward which will stand her in good stead rather than someone saying how bad mannered she is. You might think me wrong but that's my way.

I think manners are learnt by example and we always thank each other and all my family do. Has for knocking on door they usually knock then walk in we are usually expecting them so we unlock door . They don't ask to sit down . GC know they have to wash hands before eating or at least have a baby wipe used on them. And they do ask if they want something .

Our DGCs always ask if they can leave the table and always say Thank You for whichever meal it was.

They're all in their teens now and their manners are still impeccable.

Children also learn by example, if mum and dad/granny and grandpa say please, thank you, may I etc little ones are more likely to imitate them. Our 3 always used to come back from visits to Granny and Grandpa with immaculate manners - a fair bit wore off over the ensuing 24 hours though!

I agree that even young children can understand that different homes have different rules. When I was young my grandparents lived next door but one and were literally Victorian I learned to say "Thank God for my good dinner please may I get down" after a meal. At home with 2 working parents life was much more relaxed.

My DGS and DD don't knock on my door but mySIL does if he comes on his own. I knock on theirs because it's locked, they live in a built up area. I would always knock first anyway- just in case I interrupted something. (can't think what).
Good manners are easily learnt and can be relaxed to suit the situation however if children aren't taught the basics then they could be disadvantaged as they get older.
Might as well give them all the help they can get.

Manners are v important with us too although we're slightly more relaxed than my son and dil. They insist on hand washing before every meal and asking to be excused from the table whereas we're happy enough with pleases and thankyous and not doing things to hurt other people. OP, tricky when they're being told off when they're doing what you told them to. Not sure how best to handle that one tbh.

We believe in manners. Our 4 always say please and thank you to everyone. No excuses, no-one above that rule and they are prompted if they forget.

They do ask to get down from the table too - less in their own homes probably, but our daughters support us in that. They never knock to come into the house but if a bedroom or toilet door is shut they do knock and wait except the baby who thinks its knock- go in !

They wouldn't wait to be asked to seated , if they're in then that's it .our home is theirs .

Washing their hands is a given because we have an automatic soap dispenser so it's a great game .

The only other thing we're hot on is sharing. So if they are given sweets they offer them to everyone . We don't always accept the offer but do occasionally. I don't think it hurts them to have those few basic manners and we're lucky that on the whole our daughters have the same values.

Our grandkids do have some other different rules here than at home and the 4,7 and 9 year olds all grasp that. The baby at 2 is not quite there yet .

Totally agree with Anniemach,just cos they come charging in doesn't mean they don't have manners, just excited to be at nannies.

In the OP I never mentioned that I think the granparents should overrule the parents, my DD and partner have done a good job with the little one but i think we should uphold their rules. I did point ont to gran A that knocking on doors was the parents ruling. I still feel that different rules in different homes is too much for a small child.

My DGS asks if he can leave the table (especially when prompted!) and is also very good at please and thank you.

I remember when DD was tiny I took her to visit paternal grandmother who gave her a biscuit. I told her to say Ta, which she did, and grandmother sneered that she always taught her boy to say Thank you. I immediately told DD to say Thank you, which she did - pronouncing it Fucky! Which was why I'd taught her to say Ta instead!

I think this is a case of mothers and daughters tending to have the same standards whereas inlaws may have completely different ones! I do hope this doesn't cause you too many problems. I agree with you that good manners are important - and so easy to teach to young children.

Please and thank you go without saying and asking to get down from the table in whatever form that takes same as taking their plates into the kitchen saying pardon instead of what are all very basic and most parents and grandparents would expect that. But we ve moved away partly from the original main section which was about the little one being told by one nana she could walk in and the horror from the other nana at that situation ... both are fine if the don't infringe or expect the other nana to change ..... and that was the clue Ethlebags has said it really shocked her and she felt a three year old shouldn't have different rules for different houses so really what's she's saying is this other Nanas way is wrong and the child should definitely do it her way

Your little one will meet all sorts as she grows and travels through life, one nana is casual and perhaps laid back and fun the other nana equally loving but perhaps more 'correct' and structured in her ways but this is teaching her to be open to all differences and hopefully she will grow up realising there are different ways to shear a sheep

I've never had to teach mine manners which is just as well as I see them only every four to six weeks. Their parents have done a good job with them.

I agree wholeheartedly with Cherrytree59. Manners are so important if you want to get on in the world later on. Having said that, manners 'standards' have changed a lot, so we must be up with the times.... whilst keeping them high.

Apart from basic 'please' and 'thank you' I don't insist on anything because that would be undermining the parents. However, my eldest g'dtr's lack of manners makes me cringe sometimes: interrupting and especially tone of voice which can come across as very rude. She is eight, so past the stage where that sort of thing might be seen as cute. Her parents have recently commented that they have noticed this and don't like it ( not because of anything I said). I feel that had they gently insisted on good manners from the off, there wouldn't be this issue now.

I do not think that grandparents should overrule parents. How would we have felt if our parents started telling us what to do?

My DD & her OH have taught my DGS good manners - neither of them can abide rude children. DGS says please & thank you, he will ask Nanny can I have.... He knows I always have crisps etc in cupboard & squash if he wants a drink - if in doubt whether he is allowed something I will make him ask Parent.

He has learnt not to interrupt when we are talking - he says can I please speak & will wait if asked.

He kicks his shoes off when he comes in (habit from home) & makes himself at home (he is 6). DD will knock on window as she walks to front door, open door & shout "hello" or "we're here".

I believe in good manners & will always thank some-one who holds a door open for me be that an adult or child.

I had a big hand in bringing up two of my grandchildren from a very young age and I made sure they learned the manners expected by their parents. Manners are one thing but rules are another and it is definitely a case of 'my house, my rules'. I know that children tell all so I am not going to ply them with too many sweet treats or let them do things that might upset their parents but they have freedom to get messy/dirty/wet/silly/untidy etc. while still utilising please/thank you/sorry and excuse me.
As for what they get away with at their other grandparents who see them less often, it has nothing to do with me even if the adventures they recount and I see on videos make my hair stand on end.
My youngest GC notes every burp and fart with a comment, often incorrectly attributing it and sometimes embarrassingly loudly. They all learn soon enough that it isn't acceptable to make a thing of it but it's an innocent enough reaction in my book.
Where I live in a major city it is unthinkable to leave the front door unlocked, or the back door come to that if I am upstairs