should we be teaching our grandchildren manners

I don't think it's a case of overruling parents, Annibach. I think it's just a case of having one's own rules and standards, and sticking to them. Just because the stressed and exhausted parents haven't got time to remind the children about polite and unselfish behaviour, it doesn't mean grandparents haven't got the time. We have. And in a loving family no-one should resent a bit of nudging from the older, wiser (?!) generation. My own grandparents (on both sides) were incredibly strict about all sorts of things, but we didn't mind. We were fascinated. And now OUR grandchildren like and respect our own preferences re. manners. This also extends to grammar and pronunciation - but I imagine that's another thread!

I'm so glad to hear that so many grandchildren ask to leave the table Sadly, I see so little of ours, as they live far away, but some of them were here in the summer, and were polite.
One DGD is a feisty little thing, and we corrected her once - my husband had passed wind and she laughed and said 'he's farted'. Husband was offended so I went to fetch her to apologise, which she did.
I think it's part of showing them that different people have different standards. I don't think her other Grandad would have minded.

The parents in our family teach manners and we uphold that teaching when the DGC visit.

I am not sure that knocking on the door if it is open counts as manners, but 'minding your ps and qs' and 'please may I get down from the table/have a drink' etc is.

Afraid that the lack of manners and therefore lack of respect, has contributed to a generation or two of selfish people with a sense of entitlement that they have not earned or deserve. I have always instilled that manners matter with my children and grandchildren. My family always come in without knocking and grandchildren run straight up to me for a cuddle but ask politely for drinks, snacks, toys etc. It all comes down to respect, which unfortunately, is severely lacking in the youth of today

My Grandaughter says "please may I leave the table." She's 7. If you don't expect good manners, you won't get them, it's all about training right from the start.
If the children do not use manners with their Grandparents, I suspect they will not use them with other people.

Manners are extremely important in my house. Dgc lives with me. I expect please and thank you & excusing yourself from the table when everyone has finished eating. I'm still youngish (44) & sadly I find the people with the least manners seem to be my mum's generation! Eg talking during minutes silence in a shop, not saying thanks when given a seat on a bus, no please when being served in shops. I can't abide bad manners and have been known to say loudly 'you're welcome ' or ' it's fine' when people don't acknowledge a good deed!!

My DGC have the run of our house.
We have great fun.
But if they want something then it should be please
If given something then thank you or ta if tots.
If they do something accidental (knock over the ming vase) then 'Sorry'
They start with a spoon which over a period of time, naturally develops to a knife and fork. No cutlery etiquette

trica My three year old GS doesn't actually say 'please can I leave the table?' but again as a natural thing he will say 'can I go and play?'. Which he will get a yes or no response to.
When we have a family meal or friends round I have never known anybody wander off to do there own thing. Everybody waits while others are still eating.
When its just DH and I eating by our selves at the table we wait until the other has finished eating before getting up. Its what I suppose you could call natural manners as its polite but done without thinking
My DD will help herself to fruit etc but will always say hope you don't mind I've had...'. I will say that's ok and she will say thanks.
My DD has a key to our house which to my mind is still her home.
If I'm at her house looking after GC then I help myself and then say 'thanks for the doughnut it was lovely'
Teaching children manners should just be part of daily life and all small children copy the adults around them so if you as adults mind you 'Ps & Qs'
Then so will the wee ones

My DGC have all grown up saying "Please may I leave the table? Thank you for my lunch/dinner/tea(whichever it was)". It's something we've always done.

We also say what my Dad used to say "All uncooked joints off the table" meaning no elbows! The DGCs love that and say it for us if we forget and someone puts their elbows on the table.

I see instilling good manners as equipping children for the future wherever it may lead them.I think it's not so much that everyone has a different definition but that there is a standard which most do recognise even if they don't see it as necessary for today's more relaxed way of living.

my grandsons ask to get down from the table & say thank you if they are given something. I even thank DH for coffee when he makes me one & he does the same. My dad is very hot on this so it's definiely come down through the family

I love, "Please may I leave the table" even though it seems Victorian. My pet hate is the way grandchildren leave stuff all over the floor. "What's that doing on Benson's peg?" I ask, which amuses them as I stand over them and demand they tidy up. The problem with modern kids is they have a tremendous sense of entitlement: they interrupt adult conversations, they demand material goods, they ignore you because their faces are glued to their tablets & phones. It's not their fault; adults are not equipping them with civility and they want the moon on a stick. I feel sorry for kids today as they are bombarded with ghastly info and images which must clutter their minds with things that shouldn't concern children. Compare kids in the UK with their Syrian refugee counterparts: it breaks your heart.

"Manners maketh the man"...good manners are a sign of respect for others. First impressions are often based on a man's/woman's manners, so important in eg a job interview. You could be as thick they come, but good manners will impress.

My grandchildren ask if they can leave the table. They are aged 6 and 3. My daughter and son in law have taught them that, no influence from me or anyone else. I must say they are a pleasure to take out to restaurants as they know how to behave. They love dressing up and going out.

I don't expect my family to knock on my door, but I do like some warning they are coming, even if it's a text 10 minutes before.

Children need walls, it give them a sense of security and confidence in what they can or can't do. In our house our rules applied, irrespective of what their parents or their other G'parents allowed and although in the beginning there were tears and tantrums they still loved to visit. I agree that parents are the real guiding factors but I don't agree that children's bad manners and behavior should be allowed to come over my threshold. When the children grow to adulthood they will think no less of you.

Ehelbags - manners aside, I am surprised that Gran A doesn't lock her front door! Is it open for anyone to walk in?
Thankfully my GC are learning the same manners that we taught their parents, including asking if they can leave the table after a meal, though they sometimes need reminding as they are quite young.

They do however always knock on the bedroom door when they come in in the mornings!
They take off their shoes as they've been taught that at home, but I wouldn't expect them to wait to be asked to take coats off or sit down! They usually rush straight upstairs to find the toys and bring them down to play!

I do agree with please and thankyou and all my GC have been taught that. However I wouldn't expect them to knock on the door - we know when they are expected as they
I've a long way away, and they love to creep in and 'surprise' me! They are also taught to wash hands before meals and to ask to leave the table. When my C were little they had a friend who when he came to tea always chanted in a rush 'thankyouformylovelymealpleasemayIgetdown?' My children were very taken with this and for a while they all said that too. Instead of please may leave the table? Which I had taught them!

But this isn't about house rules, should grandparents overrule parents ?

As my family live with me I sit back and I watch the generations pass on the manners down the line. Manners are part of the whole bundle of things called respect in my view.

My GC seem to have no problem whatsoever in knowing that different houses have different rules - from about the age of 1 year.

Of course we want children to have good manners - which is essentially thinking of others - but not everyone's definition of good manners is the same. You have the right to insist on your definition in your own home but not to interfere with others' rules.

I have always set great store by good manners (though I don't consider washing hands good manners - just basic hygiene). I pride myself on mine, as does DH, who is one of the most courteous men on the planet, and our children were brought up to have good manners. If they are instilled early enough they become a default setting. Having said that, this past year or so, I have noticed that my GS now has to be prompted in certain areas of common courtesy by myself or DD, which is disappointing as, by now, at nine, I would have thought it would have become his default setting. We don't make him wait to be told to sit down but he is not allowed to leave the table without permission, and he is expected to hold doors open for adults but that is reinforced at school. Of course, he may display faultless good manners when he is outside his own home - children often do.

House rules are house rules. Do you allow smoking in your house? Do you accept that other people do/don't? Outside, parents rule if they are there, otherwise, it's whoever is in charge.

This family are lining up a whole load of trouble for the children. If they ignore all the basic rules of manners they will be the ones who will suffer for it. Good manners are free - and they set a person apart from the boorish. I read recently that when Nigella Lawson is making her cookery programmes the film crew will do anything for her because evidently her manners are flawless, she treats everyone with respect and is polite to all. So, it's not just a case of feeling you should say the right thing; probably good manners will also open many doors for you, and as long as you remember to say 'thank you' to whoever does it, you can't go wrong!
I don't see that rushing into my house and throwing themselves on a sofa is anything other than typical small person behaviour - my three GC do that because they are full of fun, pleased to be here, and my home is their home too, to quote Anniebach. I would however not be pleased if they continually butted in while any one was speaking, snatched and grabbed, pushed others aside to get what they wanted or didn't thank someone for whatever they were given. It's hard work teaching consideration and manners, and that is half the problem; some parents don't want to be bothered so decide it is not necessary.

Surely good manners are handed down in families? I was taught by my parents, not my grandfather, I taught my daughters, and my grandchildren learned from their parents .

please, thank you, may I? comes naturally

TriciaF
My grown up married sons still ask if they can leave the table when they come for a meal.
But grandchildren, that is another matter!!

My house too is an extension of home for one set of GC as they're here so often but I still insist on please and thank you as do their parents. I'm not fussed about shoes off - DH doesn't bother and nor do I so why should they? The other set of GC are more restrained and tend to ask for things rather than help themselves which is no bad thing - but they soon settle in which is lovely. I think manners are important and shows respect for others.