Adolescent: At My Wit's End

I think men and women's brains are wired differently, some of this is due to nurture, some due to nature. Once puberty is reached, hormones take over to further split the sexes. There are of course shades of grey between the extremes and a degree of cross over in the middle. Whilst nurture is natural for a parent, care must be taken to allow a child to develop as they naturally would.
Our GD is a bit mixed up, she plays football one evening and goes to ballet on Saturday, which will win out ? She hasn't gone to ballet in her West Ham kit yet or visa versa

DD2 danced, swam and played football in the school team. At times she was the biggest tomboy ever and in the next moment she was being an incredibly girly girl. I think girls have the advantage in modern society. They're allowed to do things that society sees as both male and female whereas boys are expected to only do boy things.

Men and women are socialised in very different ways, the brain is plastic so after a time brains will show that difference, but it isn't a difference we are born with. We need to stop attaching things and preferences to either sex, let people choose. The idea that if a boy plays with a doll then he's really a girl is ludicrous, he's a boy playing with a doll and society needs to get over that. I hope your niece finds some peace in her own skin.

Even the words tomboy and girly girl shows how we attach behaviour to sex. When my daughter puts her jeans on and climbs a tree, she's a girl climbing a tree, not a tomboy.

Both sexes would benefit so much if the pink and blue straight jackets were removed and toys and behaviour weren't policed by society.

Lumpy does have a point I think but its a bit off the OPs topic

I get what you mean, "transitioning" = displaying steriotypical characteristics of the opposite sex, which is contributing to steriotyping gender roles and how a "girl" or a "boy" presents to society.

So in some ways the movement can do harm to those who would rather there was less focus on gender roles and presentations in society.

I also get that suicide rates in un-transitioned trans youths is really hight

so it's finding a balance there somewhere and right now I don't think it's happening the right way..

Namechange, I think you are 100% right in your perception of "Alex's behaviour. I have dealt with BPD in my DD. I hate you don't leave me etc. It all seems to need to be about Alex. I suspect the next issue will be suicide threats from afar and then no contact. I had a sister very like Alex. This sister was 5 yrs older than me and actually beat me and sexually abused e as an 8 yr old. When I grew up of course that couldnt happen. I forgave her after years of estrangement and when she finally got me to trust her She tried to encourage someone to rape me because she felt threatened by my mere existence. On the surface this sounds unreal and shocking but these people do exist.

I have a friend who is actually a female to male trans. He is the sweetest human soul. His parner has been with him since he was a she and confided in me that she was concerned about him taking male hormone incase he changed his personality. This is a transgender experience. He had a double mastectomy after saving and working.

Alex will almost definately decide to change and change back. Gender fluidity is out there but the shock factor seems to be the high for Alex. Steer clear and trust your instincs. We can be too PC and be blinded by that

I can't be the only one who thinks Alex should have got a good slapping from day one.Less of the liberism [anything goes] bit more of the discipline boundaries,what's acceptable behaviour.There liberism has resulted in a totally screwed up being.
Yes I accept she has issues, but they should have been dealt with professionally,poor kid.

How does suggesting a "good slapping from day one" move onto "yes she has issues, but they should have been death with professionally"

I never yet met, or read about a professional involved in working with children and families who would recommend a "good slapping" as an effective way to respond to a challenging child.

How on earth has it got this far without some professional help?

I've not advice to offer as this is beyond me.

I do get worried about the whole "changing sex" thing, especially with children. I was a real tomboy as a child, convinced I had been born the wrong sex. At the age of twelve, say, if I'd picked up the idea that I could actually change my sex, I would have jumped at it. But puberty changed all that, and I'm very pleased now to be a woman, a mother and a grandmother. Although I still have an interest in more stereotypically male things - engineering, technology, mathematics, etc.

I understand that many people who have had apparently successful sex change operations attempt suicide because their problems have not actually been cured, and may even have been exacerbated. I'm with Lumpy, just let people dress and define themselves the way they like without "having" to change sex.

Actually, let me withdraw my previous post, I've become so worried about the surgical stuff I've gone way off topic and made it all about me. OP, I'm truly sorry thst you znd your family are going through all this, I think that previous posters' suggestions of autism seem very value, and I hope that professional help comes your way and improves the lives of Alex and all their relatives. Best wishes and good luck.

Blooming heck 'a good slapping from day one ' what cave have you been living in Mamark you must live in a different world to me that's no answer is it

Well I certainly live in a different world to some of you I'm happy to say,although I said a good slapping,obviously I didn't mean it literally,for goodness sake.I meant she should have been dealt with properly by a professional maybe or a parent with some bleddy common sense.
What planet am I on,give me strength.Planet bleddy earth,down to earth.

Oh silly me, now I understand, when you say she needs a ' good slapping' I wrongly interpreted it because it REALLY means ' she needs professional help ' ... What an easy mistake I made

I think firm boundaries wouldn't have gone amiss, but it sounds like there is far more going on than gender issues
It seems as if Alex is focusing everything on changing gender though. Hopefully, in checking that Alex is mentally stable, the other issues will come to light and be dealt with. Good luck, I hope something positive will happen for Alex and all of his/her family.

Sounds like a personality disorder to me . The next thing will be that Alex has been asked to leave the shared house because of `behaviour issues` . I think your poor sister has a lifetime of dealing with Alex`s problems ahead of her so will need the continued support of her family . Please keep us up to date , you will probably need some support too and at its best GN can be very supportive

manmark I know what you mean , our generation would have got a good slapping for behaviour even a touch like this girls . I would not have DARED to do any of the things mentioned , it does make you wonder where things have gone so wrong re bringing up children .

Please, the world has moved on since the days we had slapped legs etc. More understanding of mental health issues, I think some parents are reluctant to set boundaries for their children but this has gone way beyond that.
I don't have any answers for namechange unfortunately, just to support the family where she can but also to take care of herself.

For the good slapping group - there are still many parents who feel that a good slapping is the way to go. It absolutely is not ever productive.

I don`t think there is a good slapping group , we all agree that slapping is not the answer these days . It seems as if this girl has had no form of discipline though , she has actually hit her Mum it says in the op .

I work for a mental health service
Sometimes you can be too close and emotionally involved if it is your own family and therefore unable to see what is obvious to professionals with a degree of detachment.

Alex and the family needed help way before this and I am sorry that no-one seems to have sought professional help before now.
If the transgender clinic suggests an appropriate course of action I hope it is taken up without delay.

suggests an appropriate course of action I hope it is taken up without delay
which may not, of course, be the transgender route but other professional help with Alex's obvious issues.