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Should I phone my grandchild on his mobile

(30 Posts)
jefm Sun 20-Nov-16 14:02:15

Its a long long story of 11 years of difficulties with DIL and my son. A long story of hanging on to a relationship with my grandchildren and staying in there. They live 250miles away. I write them letters, get granted an occasional visit and I phone about once a fortnight. I have been accused in the past of giving too much attention to them, I have had visits restricted. I believe that I am an intelligent, pragmatic yet loving grandmother, who of course I have to say because that's how it is, has never built a relationship with her DIL ( long story)So I try to show the kids I love them( and my son of course but he is loyal to his wife , quite rightly.) When my grandson used to talk to me for ages on the phone some years ago my DIL told me that he wasn't to wonder away out of the room they were in and certainly wasn't allowed up to his bedroom to talk to me ( it made me feel less like a loving grandma and more like some ogre! ) So years on he now has a mobile phone and he texts me and he phones ( he says he enjoys our chats, mainly about football but he has mentioned bullies recently) . I called him after school at 3.30pm when once he told me he was doing homework I said that we had better stop then. Today my son rang me and told me that I am not to phone him at 3.30 which is homework time apparently . Which sounds reasonable on the face of it but as he didn't come up with any suggestions is this actually another attempt to restrict the contact. My Partner and I think it is but perhaps we are so paranoid now that's how we would see it. So my question is, he is nearly 12 now. Is it actually time to give up and let them control me and him and not phone my GS at all? In which case there is likely to be little contact unless they phone ( they don't) from now on? Trivial it may seem but the bigger picture is hurtful

Anya Sun 20-Nov-16 14:14:49

Firstly, sorry to read your post, that must be hard on you.

Secondly why not simply keep texting GS, let him phone you when he can and arrange a time for you to call him next time?

kittylester Sun 20-Nov-16 14:55:30

I think Anya is right to suggest texts as that keeps contact but, presumably, his parents pay for his phone usage and would spot if he rang you. At 12 he is not at the age where he should be doing things behind his parents back, so keep phoning his home and abiding by their rules. Nothinging to stop you texting him as often as you like though

jefm Sun 20-Nov-16 15:23:17

Thanks Anya & kittylester, the sad thing is that he did ask me to call him. Yes to keep on texting is a good idea, his mum and dad monitor his texts and his calls. I wished him a nice time at his scout camp and DIL texted back! I wouldn't want him or myself to do anything behind their back which is where I feel my hands keep being tied when I just try to act normally and in an open manner. I seem to get told off!! I guess they don't see it that way though.

BlueBelle Sun 20-Nov-16 15:36:25

Blimey what controlling parents poor boy I agree at the moment you can't do too much about it but I d definitely hang in there as he will soon be old enough to make his own mind up Is he an only child? his life sounds of military precision and I wonder if he will always be so compliant won't be long before he's getting girlfriends if he hasn't already will they monitor all those calls or is it just you they are afraid off Even children of 12 need some privacy What are they afraid of ? Worried he might have a good relationship with you
I think that's an awful situation for you

Crafting Sun 20-Nov-16 20:48:34

jefm maybe your DGS's routine is to do his homework straight away when he gets in from school. This is what my DGC do. Why don't you try a bit later or text him and ask a good time to talk. I admit it sounds a bit odd that they are trying to restrict your access when you are having a good relationship with your DGS but perhaps they are aware of him having trouble about school and would rather he talk to them about it. Whatever happens, I hope you keep in touch.

cornergran Sun 20-Nov-16 21:09:13

I'm so sorry you are in this situation jefm, how hard for you and your grandson. Texting to arrange an OK time to chat seems a good way forward. You must have been successful in cementing your relationship with your grandson or he wouldn't want to speak with you. It could be that you are his rebellion, I suspect more likely that you offer him unconditional love and he is responding to that. When he is older you may find he visits you. I hope so.

br0adwater Sun 20-Nov-16 21:09:15

The reference to bullying worried me. A child who is bullied at home and perhaps at school really needs someone who has no agenda and just loves him unconditionally. Stay in his life jefm. You've managed 12 years. It's not long till he will have more independence and will be able to build on the relationship you have nurtured this far. There might be a rocky couple of years between now and then, but then you can do it. Well done for getting this far, and good luck. flowers

grannypiper Sun 20-Nov-16 21:14:47

jefm the very fact you DGS calls and texts you tells you all you need to know. He obviously feels he can confide in you, keep the comms open. One day he will knock on your door with a suitcase in his hands.

rubylady Sun 20-Nov-16 22:29:45

Keep on in there, they are worth fighting for. flowers

jefm Sun 20-Nov-16 23:14:16

Thank you so much after 11 years of fighting to stay in there today I felt so much like giving up. Yes it has always appeared a mixture of them being regimented and controlling and certainly knowing that he likes a softer approach is what they fear unless they decide who gives it. I will stay in there through texts offering him the opportunity to call when he knows he can. Thanks to all for your kind words.

Grandma2213 Mon 21-Nov-16 00:51:41

So glad to hear that you won't give up jefm. Your relationship with your DGS is so important. I am lucky that I see my DGC several times weekly now (as I am always called upon for so called emergencies, picking up and dropping off at school etc as well as having them at weekends when they stay with DS who lives with me).

DGS had a mobile bought by his dad (at his ex partner's insistence) but it is always mysteriously broken, out of power, charger lost and so on. Sadly now he is getting older he is realising that his Mum is very controlling though of course he loves her dearly as he should of course. It worries me that he is placed in a position where he has to deal with the emotions of loved adults and walk a careful path to keep the peace at only 9 years old. As others have said 'unconditional love' will hopefully give him the strength he needs.

f77ms Mon 21-Nov-16 06:40:38

A very sad situation for both you and your Grandson. The parents sound very controlling and this will come back to bite them when he is older . I agree with grannypiper he will turn up with his suitcase when he is old enough ! Keep in touch with him via texts and ask him to let you know when he is free for you to call , if the parents are monitoring his phone they cannot object to this surely? xx

Christinefrance Mon 21-Nov-16 08:38:29

So difficult for you jefm but don't give up. Keep texting and in contact where you can whilst respecting the parents wishes however controlling they are.
When your grandson is older he will make his own choices and will appreciate your support. Good luck.

radicalnan Mon 21-Nov-16 09:48:56

Texts are wonderful.........can you buy him extra texts on his phone package as a treat.........

Just a text every couple of days to say something cheerful is fab..

Barmyoldbat Mon 21-Nov-16 09:51:15

So sorry for you but you have done really well to keep the contact this long. And as grannypiper said it wont be long before he turns up with his suitcase. flowers

gettingonabit Mon 21-Nov-16 09:53:30

In my experience, teenagers use apps like Whatsapp and Instagram probably more than straightforward texting as these are apparently less easy to monitor by nosy parents. Snap chat is a photo messaging service where photos disappear once sent.

Maybe one of these would be an easier way of staying in touch?

TillyWhiz Mon 21-Nov-16 10:16:17

Just hang in there and keep in touch with him. It is right that as he gets older he will be more independent. Whatever happens, do not think you are paranoid or abnormal, you are a loving grandmother!

Yogagirl Mon 21-Nov-16 10:30:26

Jfm DO not give up on your grandson! HE QUITE OBVIOUSLY LOVES YOU, LOVES YOUR CONVERSATIONS ON THE PHONE, JUST ASK HIM WHAT THE BEST TIME WOULD BE TO PHONE. sorry about the caps! Don't give up on your son either. Good luck

Cleves Mon 21-Nov-16 10:34:11

I wonder is there any chance of improving your relationship with your DIL ?

Yogagirl Mon 21-Nov-16 10:36:01

Ask your GS to drop-call you, then you can call him back to save his credit.

hulahoop Mon 21-Nov-16 10:44:29

Jemf bet you are a lovely grandma and it's a shame to be in the situation that you find yourself in . I am like some other posters and feel your grandson needs someone to talk to especially now he has mentioned bullying can you try and get his parents to agree certain times when you can speak to him in privacy if that he wants don't give up .

Sheilasue Mon 21-Nov-16 10:46:10

So sorry to hear your story. I think you should keep texting it's the best thing to do for now. How will this DIL be when your gs is older. If he wants to see you which he may do there is nothing she can do then. Sorry to say this but it comes from the heart she sounds a very hard person.

Disgruntled Mon 21-Nov-16 10:48:57

Jmf how painful. I am sorry.
What about instigating a postal correspondence? A long, chatty letter? He might even find he enjoys writing back.... Old fashioned, I know, but it might be worth a go.
Good luck

moobox Mon 21-Nov-16 10:52:46

I know from experience they are enough to make one paranoid, but it sounds as if regular social media messages are worth doing.