Treading carefully

DD's washing machine only has a cold wash and she uses a powder which is supposed to wash properly at low or cold temperatures. However, she was upset to find that some of the towels started smelling 'musty'. I think you can buy something to add to the wash which kills bacteria.

Well I'm going to go against all this "good advice" here and say that's what is being described is actually neglect, a pervasive and very damaging form of abuse. Yes that serious! It damages the little girls self esteem as she will be picked on and ostracised in school by her peers, have less support at home than she should, be unable bring friends home etc because she will feel shame for her surroundings. Does she not deserve to live in a clean home? What if she has no bed/bedding to sleep on? Is that ok too? Then what about meals? If mum neglects the home then does she neglect regular good food too? This can't go on! And the question is why is mum like this? Is it poor mental health, drink/drugs maybe or simply overwhelmed by being a single parent? She needs help to change this, not collusion to keep it quiet! As a social worker for 11 years I've witnessed the long term damage a neglected child suffers. Talk to the school and see if they have noticed smells, signs of lack of care (although will be lessened by the time spent with her gran) and if so then share your own worries and observations then ask them to make a referral to social services as they are legally bound to do. If they haven't noticed anything then Gran should gently offer assistance, suggest agencies like Banardos or local services equivalents to support mum to make changes for the better. If she won't engage then don't worry about your DIL relationship, worry about your gd welfare. PLEASE act on this ASAP.

busyb has said that her DGD isa well-adjusted, happy little girl and that sounds like a sledgehammer to crack a nut pamhill

I have a tumble drier in working order which is going begging - I wish I could give it to her!

And yes, I have worked in areas where we have come across neglected and abused children.
If this is neglect it sounds like a 'benign neglect' not needing referral to social services.

Leave well alone do not barge in asking schools if she smells etc as previous poster suggested that would be awful unless the child is obviously suffering let them live their way if she's happy and well adjusted let sleeping dogs lie
I ve just bought my daughter an electric airer and think I ve wasted my money completely I thought there would be heat coming from it but no it only dries the small piece of material that comes in contact with each bar I m going to ask her if she wants to send it back as I know she's disappointed as I am

I've not read the whole thread so forgive me if this has been already suggested, but could the OP not offer to help by doing some laundry? This is the perfect time of year as we all know it's harder that dry clothes in winter.

If busyb could say something like, she'd like to help out more having time on her hands (?!) and having a tumble dryer at home (?) does DiL want her to take the odd bag of laundry home for her as it's so hard getting things dry in winter and children go through so many clothes....I'm sure you get the drift.

Pamhill4 I think that is a bit harsh. Maybe what you are advising could end up with the child in care, separated from her family. I know you mean well, but as the child is happy and not showing bruises or other signs of abuse I would not set out on that road. Offer to help out by taking the child out while Mum sorts washing etc out or even say that you could help her go through the 'stuff' to see what could be thrown out or sent to a jumble sale. Sometimes people just get overwhelmed when things start piling up. If Gran speaks to the school Mum might never forgive her and that would be a shame as it would end the relationship she has with her GC and her dil. What is the father doing about it? Surely he should step in and help?

I'd just like to chip in and say that a friend of mine, whose flat was very, very unclean went on to qualify as a social worker.

Here's an idea for you:

www.argos.co.uk/static/Browse/ID72/33012700/c_1/1%7Ccategory_root%7CHome+and+garden%7C33005908/c_2/2%7C33005908%7CLarge+kitchen+appliances%7C33008255/c_3/3%7Ccat_33008255%7CWasher+dryers%7C33012700.htm

The father and DiL try to "score points" off each other, the OP has said.

I have been in extremely untidy and dirty houses belonging to teachers, nurses, doctors, Brown Owl (who was a teacher) etc etc, all kinds of people, nearly all parents of small children.
I have also been in exceptionally clean and tidy houses belonging to many different kinds of people - who were also parents.

My own house was very untidy when I had DC at home although I did try to keep on top of cleaning, washing and ironing.

I think that maintaining the relationship you have with her and your GD is the thing to focus on here. Perhaps in time any suggestions or offers of help you may make in the future would be welcomed but for now I'd let it go.