Not sure how I feel

I felt scared, sick with worry, and miserable.

Oh lovey sorry to hear that. I hope things improved

However, if I'm honest I keep having waves of feeling the same.

Not so miserable today, but definitely scared and worried.

Flaxseed focus on the positives. So much to look forward to -a family wedding and a new little person in your life. This time next year all of this worry will seem irrelevant.

When my son rang me eight years ago to say I was going to be a granny , I was on cloud nine with happiness. Now I have two GDs and being a granny us wonderful. Enjoy it instead of worrying about it. I have friends who would love to be grandparents .

I can understand your ambivalence. My first GC was a shock. DS was 19 and the GF five years older, divorced with two children. She claimed it was an accident but I have never believed it. However, my GD has, for 25 years, brought me great joy. Parents' relationship floundered (thank goodness!) and DS is happily married with two more children. GD has always had a good relationship with him and her stepmother and half siblings. She lived with them after graduation until she found good employment and now has a partner whom she lives with. She is a wonderful young woman and I am so proud of her.

That's nice to hear Anno

Flaxseed,
The major problem here I think seems to be the housing issue and the fact that DD and her partner do not yet have their own home.
I think the best thing you can do to support DD is assist them to find their own place. I would imagine that in their situation there would be a strong possibility of their getting onto a housing association shared ownership scheme, which would be a step onto the housing ladder.
If they are interested in this then they should start the ball rolling asap. It would be great if they could be into their own home before the baby arrives.

Thanks for all your posts and stories.
Seems there's a mix of happiness and shock at being told the news!
Mair , the housing issue should hopefully be sorted/nearly sorted by the time the baby is here.
They had bad mortgage advice late last year and have since been told to go back in April when they have another years 'books' (both self employed)
I just wish this could have happened when it had been sorted! Searching for and moving whilst being heavily pregnant isn't going to be fun! But it's 'do able' of course.
I have told her not to rush into the first property they find, but to stay with me until they find the right one.

They told the other future grandparents the other day and got the same shocked reaction. But they are being supportive.

DD1's reaction has set me back. She's very organised and a great one for planning. She again, was shocked and her reaction was to tell her sister (they are normally like best friends) that she is 'stupid'
So this weekend, I am feeling crap as I'm listening to DD1 off loading about how stupid her sister is and DD2 asking what to say to make her sister accept this!!!

I do know it'll all come good.
I do know that everyone will recover from the shock
I do know that future GC will be loved by all
I just don't like the 'getting to that stage' journey!!
Thanks for your support. It's good to offload to people detached from the situation.

I am not a bit surprised at DD1s reaction. This was obviously going to bring every grain of sisterly jealousy rising to the surface and exacerbated by the bad timing distracting from her wedding ( a bid to take centre stage). DD1 is right too of course, the timing IS "stupid", but you are where you are, and if its not the best start for the young couple, it will be fine in the end.

Perhaps you can win DD1 round a bit by agreeing with her, but point out how upset DD2 was by the termination, and that this is what probably lies behind it all. The important thing is the girls dont fall out. If DD1 cannot have children then she might be asking DD2 to carry one for her at some point in the future. Meanwhile hopefully she will be a much loved aunt.

Thanks mair
I agree with everything you have said there.
And I have already communicated exactly what you suggested to DD1.

DD1 is a bit of a control freak so her reaction is exactly what we expected. I do feel for her as she is so excited about her wedding.
I just hope she soon realises that it is possible for her family to be excited about both occasions! Of course I have told her this but I think she needs time to realise it's true.

DD2 has been upset today as she is really feeling her sisters 'frostiness'
But I've suggested her backing off to let DD1 come to terms with it in her own time.
Just hope it's not too long

"But I've suggested her backing off to let DD1 come to terms with it in her own time."
"Just hope it's not too long"

Good advice to DD2. I think it might take rather longer than youd hope though for DD1 to come to terms with it and some acknowledgement of her right to feel a bit miffed from DD2 might help?

She should try to put herself in her sisters shoes. DD1 has fertility issues, a source of great sadness/anxiety for her. DD1 also has a wedding planned, at which presumably DD2 is going to be a BM? Whether thats a big bellied BM or with a baby in arms its not what DD1 expected, not what (in her circumstances ) she wants to be reminded of on her wedding day either.

Bearing this in mind its probably best if 'excitement' is focussed on DD1s wedding , not the baby, since DD2 has no sadness, she is getting exactly what she wants, her man, her house and a baby (all at once and only twenty three!)

Looking at it from DD1s viewpoint, if this baby was planned, then the timing was awful, utterly tactless of DD2 not to wait till after the wedding. If on the other hand it was genuinely an accident then DD1 is not unreasonable to describe her as "stupid", after she was obliged to have an unhappy termination four years ago, and has been sexually active a long time, then its not unreasonable to expect she would have sorted out her contraceptives.

My feeling is conciliation should not be expected purely by DD1 having to come to terms with it. Through either 'stupidity' or insensitivity DD2 is causing DD1 some hurt, and she should acknowledge that ideally, and accept that DD1 has a right to feel some level of anger. Whether she is capable of such self reflection, or whether she would lash out in anger at you over any indication that she is being judged negatively for what she has done, I dont know. You know her well though and might think about this. It certainly is a tightrope to walk, as you want to be on good terms with both, as well as healing the rift between them.

Good luck!

Thanks mair
DD2 is a sweet, caring girl who totally understands why her sister is upset and has acknowledged that.

She is chief bridesmaid to DD1.
There will be about 9 months between baby's arrival and the wedding. DD2 has already promised DD1 she'll do all she can to lose her baby weight!

Me ex husband and mum are not impressed with DD1's frostiness - but DD2 has told them that under no circumstances must they relay this to her.
DD1 has been texting DD2 today although there has been no mention of the pregnancy.
But DD2 is just happy that they are communicating for now.

I want to see DD1 and explain that it is possible for us to all be happy about both occasions and that I will support them both just as I always have, but I'm backing off myself for now and communication between us is just being kept to 'normal' stuff we would normally discuss.

"I want to see DD1 and explain that it is possible for us to all be happy about both occasions"

You and DD2 can be happy about both , but what I am trying to say is, I am not sure its fair to put any expectation on DD1 that she should be "happy" about this?

She is understandably jealous and resentful, and feels herself justified in this due to her sisters very bad timing. Don't you think giving her an opportunity to express her hurt and unhappiness over it may be better than pressurizing her to put on a smiling face? Avoiding any mention of the j word by you of course . If she can acknowledge her negative feelings to you, then you can move on from there and hopefully she will accept it eventually and realise how foolish it would be to harbour resentment indefinitely. Bear in mind it's going to be extremely painful to DD1 when the baby arrives too, to see her sister holding and feeding that baby, and see you cooing over a first GC, one that should 'rightfully' be hers!

Oh God. That all sounds so sad
But you are right. And of course I would let DD1 vent her feelings and hurt.
The trouble is - I will just want to make her stop hurting. But I can't.
What can I say to help? Just acknowledging her pain doesn't seem enough

DD1 has not been told she's infertile. She has recently had an investigation for a gynae problem which could make things difficult (but hopefully not)
She is awaiting gynae referral

I am gradually getting over the shock of the news and feeling very relaxed talking about it to DD2, but it's so bloody hard to tear myself between one DD's excitement and another's pain

DD1 has not been told she's infertile. She has recently had an investigation for a gynae problem which could make things difficult (but hopefully not)

Oh good. Hopefully not indeed. I agree acknowledging her pain may not be enough, because while you want to give her hope that it will work out well, at the same time you need to help her to feel that even if the outcome of the referral isn't great that it's not the end of the world, and there are still many options, and even the childless option doesn't mean a life not worth living. What a fantastic role model we see now in Theresa May!

Unfortunately, until DD1 is pregnant herself, which could take some time, then I don't think its going to be an easy time for her. It wouldn't be anyway, as her friends start families, but having a younger sister surge ahead must be a particularly unpleasant medicine to swallow.

You are right that you cannot put things right for her, but avoiding baby talk, and helping her to feel her life is interesting to you and worthwhile whether she is a mum or not, may help keep irritation at bay.