Looking for unbiased opinions on granddaughter being a bridesmaid

What I can't understand is that she hasn't got angry about her BIL being best man but is kicking up a fuss about her niece (his daughter?) Being bridesmaid.

Have I got that right?

Whose feelings are important here? The bride's and those of a little girl who is looking forward to being a bridesmaid. And for your DIL to use the child's reluctance to go for a sleepover to pander to her selfish sister's feelings is not the right course of action.

It sounds as if there is a tendency to give in to this sister that is why she appears to be so selfish and to use emotional blackmail to get her own way. Her father, too, should tell her to stop being so self-centred.

How can she put her own selfish feelings before those of a little girl?

What I an't quite see in this is what your DiL actually thinks about this. It sounds as if she is just trying to placate people.
However, I think that if your DGD is reluctant to go to sleepovers, she should be having her confidence built up, not undermined by being told she won't cope with being a bridesmaid.

Given how far ahead weddings are planned these days, I wonder when an actual decision is needed? My own advice would be to tell the bride & groom that there's a bit of a fuss (or other excuse) and ask if they can hold off on a definite decision for a few months.

Whilst I agree that the ex-fiancee / auntie sounds as if she is behaving dreadfully, I wonder if she will calm down once the baby arrives? We also don't know the exact circumstances - someone can change a lot in 10 years.

I'd try and hold off - if not, then son & wife need to discuss as calmly as possible, talk about where their own feelings lie (I wonder what your DiL actually thinks of this man?) and then be as honest as possible with the little girl. She does actually need to learn that adults don't always get things right and that emotions can run high.

I have to say that one of the things I am most grateful for is my parents' honesty with me about odd situations and talking about how some people didn't get on and sometimes behaved in ways we don't like. They didn't take 'sides' just explained how other people felt.

I may be going against the flow here, but I think that the little girl has already been a bridesmaid twice, it won't hurt for her not to be one on this occasion, and it will heal a rift for your dil ( which to my mind is very important) and will be remembered that you helped broker this deal! Yes, it is irrational of the woman, but so what.... family peace comes first IMHO.

I am not sure family peace comes from giving into blackmail because the next thing will be that the OP's son will be under pressure to end his friendship with his best friend because he was once engaged to DiL's sister.

I think rows should be avoided at all cost, but I think this lady should be told as politely and quietly as possible that as she is not a party to the wedding and is anyway happily married to someone else and expecting his child, the marriage of the ex fiance and his choice of bridesmaids should be a matter of indifference to her.

Sorry meant to say your DiLs sister!

I don't think family peace should be achieved by everyone giving in to one irrational and self-centred person.

Why is she so concerned 10 years later?
Why is she trying to call the shots?
Has she had her own way since she was a child?
Why is everyone so afraid of upsetting her to the extent that many other family members are upset?

mercedes55 now that you have said that they continued to meet up even though she was in a relationship her future husband speaks volumes, she is petrified of the truth coming out, she was cheating on him and doesnt want it getting back to her now Husband. Tell her to wind her neck in

I can't understand the stance that your DIL's father is taking
He would rather his little DGD is upset than his spoilt grownup DD.

Have I missed something?

This is your GD and your son's daughter no one else apart from the child's mother should be able to accept or refuse a request to be a bridesmaid. Your DILs sister needs to be told very firmly that it is none of her business, if your DIL won't do that perhaps you could. If the parents decide she is to be a bridesmaid then you have to refuse to discuss it with any of them. What they decide to do then is entirely up to them and you are not responsible for their actions. Try to be calm and decisive when you speak to them, but don't waver once the decision has been made. You may well find that when it becomes a reality the bluster and threats become just that and the whole thing slips away.

This lady is using the issue of GD being a bridesmaid to hide her real feelings - bitterness, unhappy with her husband, still loves her ex-fiancee? Whatever it is, someone needs to help her deal with the real issue. It will need tact and kindness, but when she finally talks about the real problem, the issue of GD being bridesmaid will disappear.

If there is going to be a best man link, then why not a bridesmaid one? Kids love being bridesmaid and it involves very little, she isn't endorsing anything she is wearing a nice frock and going to a party.

You can't control the world and 10 years is a long time for the dust to have settled. People don't have miscarriages because they don't get their own way.

I would carry on making the decisions that suit adult interests and child happiness the best, melodramas are ridiculous.

I doubt if people are really that bothered, it doesn't sound as if the past relationship was that bad that ostracism is required, he wasn't a sex offender or psycho of any sort by the sounds of him, he was a bloke who made a different choice.

DIL needs to let go a little otherwise she will be in for a really exacting life of spite.

She is married and expecting, she has a great excuse to stay away on the day herself and let other people get on with celebrating something without her guilt tripping them.

Are not some posters missing the point? This lady ( ex fiance of groom to be) is actually the OP's DIL's sister! The poor DIL is caught in the middle of this and is very conflicted and upset and this whole debacle is about to cause severe problems for all the family.
If it were my DIL I would be doing all I could to help this situation.

The DIL's sister is being an immature dog in the manger. To make it worse she is taking out her sulky ire on a nine year old child which is disgraceful. Call her bluff and send her to Coventry.

Tell the little madam and her father, to get knotted. If this is they're attitude, they're not worth having as friends. If the child is asked and wishes to do it, and her parents are happy, with that. Then the child's pleasure, should come first. Let her do it. As for the miscarriage blackmail, that's what it is, BLACKMAIL.

Oh dear what a calamity, the trouble weddings and Christmas cause. The ex-fiance probably sees it as a betrayal especially if she was the "wounded" in the break up. Perhaps the pregnancy is causing a rush of hormones creating this ill feeling. If it were me, I would let things stand as they are with your grand daughter as bridesmaid. Threats never achieve anything only bad feeling.

Anyone who would treat a child like that is maybe not going to be a good influence anyway.
Some children at that age would understand the situation if it was properly explained and some wouldn't. She might be upset if she lost out on the chance to be a bridesmaid so I'm not sure that you can make the decision totally for her but explaining it will need a lot of tact. Maybe if you explain that some women can be a bit oversensitive when they are pregnant and that the ex-fiancée has reacted in this way and make sure the child understands that it is nothing personal about her but it is tricky.

janetmaile you've got a good point.
Even if the woman with unreasonable behaviour wouldn't open up about real reasons, if someone could speak to her calmly about why she finds this so upsetting she might come round to being more sensible.

"Three times a bridesmaid, never a bride". The child's feelings are the most important thing in this situation - would it help to say to her that the grown-ups have changed their minds because of this superstition? - and they are thinking of her? Sometimes a white lie helps...

I thought it was all very unreasonable even before I read your follow-up saying it was 10 YEARS since the relationship broke up. Good Heavens, tell the woman (and her relatives) to grow up and get a life - oh, hold on, she already has moved on to another man and a baby. The bride should be able to choose her own bridesmaids without interference.

Thank you all once again for your very helpful replies.

I haven't spoken to my son or DIL today but I know that when my DIL mentioned to GD about being a bridesmaid she was over the moon as she really sees the future groom as an uncle and has a really good relationship with him and his future wife.

Don't think DIL expected her to be so happy about it, so she then went on to explain about the reaction of her sister which ended up making GD cry as she was upset because she didn't want her aunt to be upset at her. Almost had me in tears too be to honest!

DIL's sister has always been a very spoiled person, she was apparently a premature baby and was always treated differently to DIL who is 4yrs older. However she is now 32 and one would think at that age she would have grown out of all her tantrums but I fear that over the years by giving in to her whims that her family have created a monster.

There seems to be no issue with my son being best man, it's more about the 'special' relationship that DIL's sister seems to think she has with GD, although no one else seems to have a clue what that is all about.

As for DIL's father, thankfully he lives in Cyprus now, which is probably a good thing. His relationship with the problem daughter has always been much closer than the one with DIL, which is sad really. He doesn't seem to be particularly close to GD, only sees her when he comes back for the occasional holiday, but has recently talked about moving back now that his other daughter is having a baby.

I often feel really sorry for DIL as she tries very hard to keep the family close but it often looks to me like she is on the outside looking in when it comes to her father and sister

She sounds like a control freak when married to him, and still is a control freak and using blackmail.

How long will her current relationship last if she carries on with this sense of entitlement?

Why would she want to make a 9 year old miserable for her own pleasure at 'winning'?

....but I will still try and get this point through, it doesn't matter about the spolit woman who is complaining but it does matter surely, that the DIL is getting upset by it all?
Our DIL's are very important , and no I would not put 'the wishes of a child' first in a situation like this.

Why not, roses?
Everyone, including the DiL, would like the child to be a bridesmaid.
The ratty ex-fiance should be told where to get off!

Does her husband know she is creating all this fuss?

ex-fiancee

I think it very unwise to give in to emotional blackmail. It seems that your daughter in law has had to put up all her life with a younger sister, who because she was born prematurely, was spoiled.

Now her sister seems to be pregnant with her first child. I am sure she is stressed. Is the baby due to arrive before the wedding? Is there any chance that your GD was viewed by her aunt as her aunt's little helper?