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Looking for unbiased opinions on granddaughter being a bridesmaid

(103 Posts)
Mercedes55 Tue 17-Jan-17 12:58:35

Have been lurking on this forum for some time, but this is my first post on here and I have a dilemma that I would appreciate an unbiased opinion on.

My partner and I have a 9yr old granddaughter and she's just been asked to be bridesmaid for my son's best friend, my son is going to be the best man. GD has already been a bridesmaid before, in fact 2 times, so is well versed with what it entails.

The fly in the ointment is the ex fiance of the future groom who is the sister of my DIL. In her opinion it's totally unacceptable for our GD to be a bridesmaid as she feels that as the groom is her ex fiance it somehow makes it inappropriate.

Our GD has a wonderful relationship with the future groom, calls him Uncle, sees him a lot, but also has a good relationship with her auntie who is causing all the fuss. It's reached a stage now where my son and his wife aren't talking and DIL phoned me today for an hour and a half and said she'd been given an ultimatum by her sister & father that if GD is bridesmaid then they will never speak to her again.

I'm really quite shocked by all this as it seems to be a total overreaction to something that should be a happy time. DIL's sister is herself married, GD was a bridesmaid at her wedding and she is expecting her first baby in the Spring and is using the pregnancy as a weapon in all of this, saying that is she has a miscarriage then it's all my son's fault for wanting his daughter to be a bridesmaid.

I feel caught in the middle as my son phones me telling me how upset he is and quite honestly I can see why as DIL's intention is to either not tell GD she has been asked or to try to talk her out of wanting to do it, which I don't think is fair on a 9yr old. Or perhaps I am wrong as according to my DIL everyone she talks to agrees with her confused

FarNorth Tue 17-Jan-17 13:08:51

If the child hasn't been asked yet, then she should be kept out of it by not asking her.
The adults need their heads banged together, especially the woman who is causing all this uproar.

Welshwife Tue 17-Jan-17 13:16:58

I think it is an over reaction by your DIL's sister and father. It has nothing to do with them who is asked by the couple to be bridesmaid or best man. They are making a mountain out of a molehill - are you sure she is over her breakup with the groom?
I can quite understand why you are upset about it.

bartonlady Tue 17-Jan-17 13:22:50

how dreadful for your DIL's sister to act like this. She sounds a spoilt little madam, how will she cope with a child! Wonder what this woman's husband thinks of this??? Perhaps your son could ask him! He may be unaware, it could sort the situation out.

Rinouchka Tue 17-Jan-17 13:34:50

If the auntie is now married and expecting a child, why is she so hostile, despite the past situation. Was she jilted, chetaed on, hard done by, etc. by the future groom? That would explain her anger. If that is thg case, then it is understandable.

However, if that is not the case, your son and D iL should do as they see fit. If they are going to the wedding, then why should the child not be a bridesmaid? Does the auntie not want them to attend either?

tanith Tue 17-Jan-17 13:38:29

I think I agree with FarNorth if the child knows nothing then keep her out of it.
I also think Welshwife is spot on that she isn't quite over things...
Its going to cause bad feelings for someone whatever is decided I don't envy you.

Luckygirl Tue 17-Jan-17 13:57:02

How very silly of them to over-react in this way and talk about "never speaking to them" again - it really is so childish and I am sorry you are caught up in this nonsense. Tell the groom the situation and get him to make a decision.

FarNorth Tue 17-Jan-17 14:01:03

Whatever the past happenings, this venom directed at a little girl is not understandable.
She should be kept out of this unreasonable adult behaviour until they have sorted it out for themselves.

DaphneBroon Tue 17-Jan-17 14:13:11

The threat of miscarrying is also unacceptable and entirely unfair emotional blackmail. Entirely irrelevant.
Families, eh?
Main thing is not to raise the little girl's hopes just to dash them again.

Jalima Tue 17-Jan-17 14:32:56

It is up to the bride herself whom she chooses to be her bridesmaid.

Fancy an adult having a tantrum like this and trying to use emotional blackmail.
This wedding is not about her and she should be told that.

SueDonim Tue 17-Jan-17 14:47:54

Goodness me, this woman does not get to make the rules for someone else's wedding! She needs to be told it's none of her business, she has no hold over the ex-fiancé. Otherwise where will it end?

Lillie Tue 17-Jan-17 14:48:32

I agree with Jalima, it's the bride's day and what she wants goes.
Hopefully at this stage the little girl knows nothing about the clashes.

Don't we sometimes see in films the best man standing there drooling over the girlfriend he lost, or a bridesmaid scorned, along with others' lives all intertwined? Things like that happen, adults need to get over it.

annodomini Tue 17-Jan-17 15:34:04

You say, in the OP that your GD 'has been asked' to be bridesmaid, so that suggests to me that she does know about the invitation. I hope that the crazed adults in this sill situation will come to their senses and recognise how disappointed the child will be if the invitation to be bridesmaid is withdrawn for no reason that would make sense to a 9-year-old - or to a sane adult for that matter.

grannypiper Tue 17-Jan-17 16:18:37

It is not their place to decide what happens in other peoples lives, they are bullies, either stand up to them now or forever be dictated to

harrigran Tue 17-Jan-17 16:25:03

This woman needs to be told to .... Off, none of her business. Where do people get off trying to run other people's lives ? Threatning to stop talking to her sister just proves how childish she is.

Grannyknot Tue 17-Jan-17 16:48:15

"DIL phoned me today for an hour and a half" shock good grief when people phone me with sob stories they have half an hour tops to state their case and me responding!

I'm sorry I can't work this out, it is all too confusing, it's okay for one family member to be a best man, bit not for the other to be a bridesmaid? I don't get it.

suzied Tue 17-Jan-17 17:03:58

No totally ridiculous. She should be told to butt out , it's not her wedding or child, stop being hysterical and get over it, maybe she still holds a candle for the groom?

Mercedes55 Tue 17-Jan-17 17:10:41

Thanks so much for all the replies, they are very much appreciated and do make me feel that I'm not the only one to think DIL's sister is being irrational.

Her relationship with the future groom ended 10yrs ago. From what I recall she left him as they argued all the time and the relationship seemed to be based on constant arguments followed by making up and the whole thing repeating itself. I do think perhaps she still holds a candle for him as I know they have met up on occasions since their break up, don't think her husband is aware of any of this though, although they haven't met up since she actually got married.

Not sure at the moment how much GD actually knows as the initial request was a text message and the bride to be wanted to know what my son and DIL thought before she actually spoke to GD. I'm pretty sure GD is aware of quite a lot of the details now though as she was at home when all the arguments were going on.

I think DIL is going to talk to GD today when she gets home from school. She seems to think she can play on GD's recent reluctance to sleep over at friend's houses to make her feel that maybe she can't handle being a bridesmaid, despite having loved it last time. I'm not sure putting a negative spin on her feelings is a good idea as it might actually make her believe she can't handle other things too.

However I think DIL is so terrified of being ostracised by her family that she'd do anything to stop it! The whole thing is really such a mess confused

FarNorth Tue 17-Jan-17 17:20:07

And messing with the child in that way makes it all much worse.
What sort of mother tries to manipulate her daughter like that, rather than upset her already-upset irrational sister?

FarNorth Tue 17-Jan-17 17:23:05

If the child has to be excluded from being a bridesmaid, at least she should know the real reason - that all the adults around her are being nutters!

FarNorth Tue 17-Jan-17 17:24:05

Does the groom know this is going on?

thatbags Tue 17-Jan-17 17:27:08

Good grief! I feel for you, merc! and the poor kid.

janeainsworth Tue 17-Jan-17 17:27:42

I don't understand why, if it's your son's friend's wedding, why your DiL thinks she has any say in who should be bridesmaid.
Being an ex fiancée doesn't give anyone any rights.
They should call her bluff.

Christinefrance Tue 17-Jan-17 17:39:41

Can't believe this woman is so out of order holding everyone to ransom in such a cruel way. I agree with FarNorth if the child is aware of the invitation to be bridesmaid then her Mum should explain to her quietly and honestly what the situation is. Maybe look at giving her a special treat to make up for her disappointment. It's no good trying to force the issue as so many other people will be upset.
I feel sorry for you in this situation do hope things resolve themselves amicably.

M0nica Tue 17-Jan-17 17:59:24

If I was the husband of the pregnant ex-fiancee of the groom at this wedding, I would be more than a trifle put out that, despite this lady no doubt pledging eternal love for me and carrying my child, she could still get so worked up about the marriage of an ex-fiancee, who should surely now mean nothing to her. Does he know what is going on? Shouldn't someone tell him?

Strikes me that sauce for the goose can be sauce for the gander.