Adult Sons, any good experiences?

Lovely sons here. Always volunteering to help us. Luckily they are married to wonderful women.

Boys are fab, never any leftover food.......happy to go up the ladder, can fix things, willing to pull faces and do silly voices for the kids, able to explain off side rule, can push the car when it won't start.

Girls are also fab and can attract boys to do all of the above.

My boys do put their family first, just as I raised them to do, it is natural and right that they do.....coming second isn't a bad deal.

The DIL does raise her kids the way her mother raised her, which is also natural.......

My son is coming up to 37. We have never had an argument. When we meet up we always hug and he always tells me he loves me.

Relationship with my two daughters has always been more volatile...hahaha

My son is a lovely man who has achieved much in his life. He had a good career in the RAF and has never been without work since. He is well regarded by his colleagues and his friends, is very good company and a good stepfather to two lovely boys. He puts his family first and that is as it should be, but he knows we are there for him and I know that that would be reciprocated. I have been at both ends of the DiL spectrum. My son's first wife "didn't do family" (neither ours nor her own); families seemed to unnerve her. She never resented our son's relationship with us, which has always been very close, but she didn't encourage it either. For all that, I liked her because she was a very good wife to him and given time, I think we might have had some sort of workable relationship. Sadly, she died. Our present DiL is very different; relaxed, gregarious and she seems to enjoy our company. Until my son met his first wife, I don't think I ever thought about what it would mean to be someone's MiL, and neither should you. Rejoice in your boys, for that is what they will always be - your boys - and when the time comes, take DiLs in your stride.

My DH(only child) and his mother did not have an especially good relationship but I think it improved a lot after I came along as I am very 'family minded'.She used to tell her friends (in my hearing)she was blessed in her DIL and I was the daughter she never had (I don't think she actually wanted any children but that's another story ).
I have a friend with two sons .The younger is marrying soon and she already adores the DILto be and they seem to get on very well.So not all DILs cause a rift, as so many other posters have affirmed .

I also have two sons - both grown up now and one with a family. It came as a huge shock to me, I really should have seen it coming, but having done such a good job (wink - must find emoticons!!) both my sons are extremely independent. My dear dil has done a brilliant job of "moulding" my eldest son so that he is barely recognisable - and practically lives at her mother's house with my grandchildren - it's quite literally as if she never left home - whereas we are blessed with, on average, one visit per month for a couple of hours although we only live 10 minutes away! Ho hum - me, bitter? I do not wish to paint a black picture - my relationship with my sons is great and they were such a joy to bring up - no hormonal dramas as one sometimes gets with girls - but yes, once they have their own families, they quite rightly put them first. The younger one is a musician and although he never phones (heh heh) I have just had a superb holiday with him in Nashville!! You will always have to work at the relationships, but I think I would worry more if I saw more of my sons!

My son is 38 and married with two little ones. He phones me at least three times a week and we chat for ages. I think we are on the same wave length, whereas my lovely daughter is more like her dad. I think if you're a good parent your children will always want to be in your life.

Biscuitlover please don't be sad at having boys. I have 3 sons in their 30's and 40's and they are all close and loving lads. They visit regularly, help me if I need it, and come to me for advice when needed. In fact they do exactly the same things with me as my daughter does, apart from my clothes shopping! So it's all about nurture, lots of hugs (which we still do), and to give them all the time you can manage over their formative years.

Our adult son is a wonderful human being who we could not be more proud of. He has chosen a fabulous partner and they marry in June. I'm already a MIL and I can't say that it has been difficult at all. Early on I gave my SIL permission to tell me if I crossed any lines and I have said the same to our soon to be DIL. We are very fortunate that both kids chose wisely.

Of course once grown up their first loyalty is and should be to their partners. My mom always taught me that if you let your children go freely, then the chances are they will choose to come back to you. This has been my experience. They are all their own people, but very fortunately they want us in their lives.

I hope the OP will have the same relationship with her adult sons, which I'm sure you will if you lay careful foundations and then when the time comes, let them fly.

Yes! I have an adult son (aged 32) who is simply a wonderful human being! He's a loving partner and a kind and "sorted" human being. The only fly in the ointment is that his partner is Australian and they have set up home down under. But we have regular skype chats - in fact I have just come offline from chatting to them. He told me this morning that I'm his "all time hero". Bless him.
I have a wonderful daughter who lives nearer too, and our relationship, whilst good, is a little more fraught.
Don't take any notice of these sayings! It's so silly! Enjoy your beautiful boys growing up. Don't let anyone tell you you're missing out on anything because you don't have a girl. It makes me so sad all these silly sayings that just make us feel inadequate because we haven't got x,y or z. You have your lovely boys - I'm sure you'll bring them up to be caring, happy individuals and they will love you for it.

You won't be a hated MIL. DIL will have mums for a duty, but you have sons who have duty to you.

I had 2 sons and then had a daughter (all within 5 years). There is no difference in any way at how close I am with them. As for my two daughters in laws ....well they are like another two daughter's and we love each other completely. My mother in law had 2 sons and her and I were so close until she died. She always said I was the daughter shed never had. My eldest son died from cancer 7 years age 26. I lost in him not only my son but one of my best friends , that's what he was to me . His partner has a new boyfriend now and a baby girl ....yet are still as close as ever. So I know from all sides of having sons and a daughter and there is no difference at all. In fact both my sons are/were very protective of me. My remaining son is 31 and my daughter is 29 and the relationship I have with them is as equal and special in everyway.

I've never minded having two boys. They've been a delight to me since they were born. I have a DIL now, and we get on very well. Surely the important thing is the love between mother and children, not what sex they are.

I have an adult son and I couldnt wish for a more loving caring son. My daughters however are a different kettle of fish!! My dil is more of a daughter to me! Ignore all the negative comments none of us need them.

I am sad to hear of negative experiences of MILs on mumsnet. I thought those days were gone and that my/this generation of MILs were more likely to be supportive and empathetic.

Both my grown up sons live a fair distance away but we are very close. They call me regularly and are always there for me if I'm in trouble. I guess I just take it for granted now that they have family and lives of their own, which I'm grateful to share at times. I look after myself.

When my son was small/young he was the most lovely, lovely boy. My friends said if he was older they'd want to marry him!! Then he left to go and live with his father the other side of the country and (we'd divorced in the 80's) and from then on has drifted further and further away in all respects. I moved to a new house in 2002 and from the first ten years he didn't visit me once (despite my many invitations). In the meantime he married and had a (lovely!) son. I ring to try and keep in touch, (but they often don't answer - they have call recognition!). I visit them whenever I can, send notes, gifts, bits and bobs to my grandson and try to 'keep it light' when I call, but for some reason my son never picks up the phone to ring me. I miss him with all my heart.....

Thank you cornergran I will try!

Oh biscuitlover don't worry so much. Love your little boys, enjoy their uniqueness as much as you can. No Mum is perfect, being a good enough Mum is more than good enough. Your boys will grow into themselves, don't listen to the doom mongers who may even be envious of you being the mother of sons. You have a good relationship with your mother in law so an excellent basis to be one yourself one day. Please don't let worry about the future spoil the present. Good wishes to you all.

Tough habit to break that should say

Yes I've never understood why is is perfectly fine for a daughter to be close to her mother or a father to his son but if you talk about a close mother son relationship then it's seen as strange and he is labelled a 'mummy's boy.'

Lots of interesting responses and lots to thinkabout. How I wish I could just enjoy the here and now instead of worrying about the future, unfortunately I'm a worrier by nature though and it's a tough habit I can break. I suppose all I can do really is try and be a good mum and hope it all works out!

"on the occasions I fail, he knows that I am more exasperated on his behalf but I wouldn't like to put it to the test too often".

I am sure there are many many MILs have this relationship with ASs after they settle. Think of Madame Bovary's MIL! My DS is currently single but I am fully expecting that I would have to be very careful when he marries as he is very touchy about anything he sees as interfering.

I think there could be some truth in the whole Freudian thing of the Oedipus complex going on with mothers and sons here, where the mother has to be emotionally pushed away to allow him to become a man. Mothers caring are seen as overprotective, and criticism of the DIL seems to suggest that the mother still thinks he needs her protection (from his wife!)

The DIL-MIL relationship is nothing but a duty, why does that matter? A good son is sure to speak nicely to his mum.

My adult son is very loyal to his wife, a marvellous father to his son and I have dropped a couple of places in the Love Charts. I have to be careful not to imply any criticism towards my DIL in front of him because that is the quickest way to upset him but I admire his loyalty in the face of adversity We have always been very open with one another but I have learned to be more of a diplomat; on the occasions I fail, he knows that I am more exasperated on his behalf but I wouldn't like to put it to the test too often.
I do try to foster a good relationship with my DIL and genuinely like her but it is still hard to make the relationship work on all levels.

I do feel there is a certain amount of 'blaming' of MILs who do not manage to establish a good relationship with their DILS from some posters on this thread. There is also a lot of self congratulation going on when it works out, which verges into smugness.

I think it is insensitive and blinkered towards those MILs who would dearly love to have a good relationship with their DIL and have tried their best to establish one to imply that they should be judged negatively for it going wrong! Sometimes they may bear some responsibility, other times it is only down to the DIL, who after all, has far far less motive to retain the relationship than the MIL has. It is an intrinsically tricky relationship and as the many complaining posts on mumsnet that the OP speaks of show, there are clearly many many DILs who find this a relationship of duty not affection, still less love. The many conflicts of interest that arise coupled with possible personality clashes (nobody chooses their in laws) must mean that in many cases nobody is 'at fault' it simply is a relationship that would never work as friends, colleagues or neighbours, let alone family!