She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

Happy Birthday Nellimags ! You really do deserve to have a lovely time and I hope you are !

Sadly your neighbour sounds a nightmare ! After all you have done so kindly and unselfishly for her what a way to talk about you ! I think I would have to say something outright and explain that if the is how she thinks of you, you are very sorry, but will now need to return her keys, Let her know if there is a dire emergency you will be available if possible and if her sons cannot be contacted. Age concern may know of a scheme where she can have one of those panic buttons if she has not already got one ...and you could stop the carer next time you see her to talk about this problem too ...she may well have tried to say similar things to the carer ! There does seem to come a time in people's lives when they cannot remember clearly what they have done, or asked or told you you can do (as in the note on here about the M & S cheque ! When you hand back her key, do it in front of the carer who can be a witness ...just in case !

My ex husband had an elderly grandmother whom we used to visit every Saturday ...she would say 'Oh it's you ...I haven't seen another soul all week' we knew this wasn't true, as various other relatives had been at least once a day and her son (my f I l) visited every evening after work, his wife (m I l ) visited every afternoon ...made the bed did the shopping and cleaning washing and ironing and one cousin painted the kitchen, another the living room ...she had people in and out all the time but I think she preferred to tell everyone that no one ever came .....

You sound like a lovely neighbour ! If you do like to care for others, SilverLine as you probably know, is a telephone befriending service you could join....that way you can give help and or support without any face to face contact,

Give yourself a treat !! [cake]

Happy Birthday Nelliemags.
My thoughts are that you should cut your neighbour out of your life as much as possible to avoid any future problems. My MIL had a very kind neighbour who checked on her everyday. Sorted out problems - even being called in the middle of the night when MIL had stoma issues. She was a saint but MIL complained about her constantly - even saying the neighbour was an alcoholic because she had a daily glass of wine.
Be kind to yourself Nelliebags

No wonder you're so upset. It must have felt like such a kick in the teeth.
Could it be early dementia? Speaking from (too much!) experience, people with dementia can become very nasty towards, or about, the very people they depend on the most.

In any case, I would think it's high time to withdraw at least to some extent. If it IS early dementia things will only get worse. It's not at all uncommon for people with dementia to start banging on neighbours' doors in the small hours, or ringing umpteen times a day because they've forgotten how to work the TV remote, etc.

Helping out to some extent is one thing, but it sounds to me as if more help from professional carers is in order.

And in the circs I wouldn't blame you at all if you withdrew completely.

Nelliemags What a lovely, kind and caring person you are! Even the tone of your posts is non-judgemental. Hope you are able to sort things out. Your neighbour doesn't deserve you!

Thanks you for all the good wishes, flowers and cake. I am having a lovely day with my daughter and grandson home with a stomach virus which so far I have managed to avoid.

My mother was cantankerous all her life and lived to 94 running rings round her children. I loved my job but retired at 66 to look after her and watched her going downhill, making up stories, becoming very forgetful and making accusations so I know the toll very old age can take. I also used to mow old Aunty's 5 lawns until she died at 94. She had strange ideas but was always happy to see me. She and mother used to come to Christmas lunch each year and Mother would sit and glare at Aunty - her younger Sister in law - all afternoon. We never worked out what Mother was so cross about.

MrsM though is in relatively good health and has all her chairs in place. She would never have spoken as she did if she thought it would result in help being withdrawn. She often rings in the evening to ask my DD to run down to the corner shop to withdraw money for her and come to think of it, last time she quizzed me as to whether DD had given her all the money she had taken out.

All over now and I feel quite liberated. Her sons visit about every two months so are of little use and I will have to respond if she is in trouble but no more checking up.

And did she wish you Happy Birthday? Card or call?

Definitely do not handle or deal with any money issues for her.

She has been spiteful to you for no reason after all you have done for her. Why not go and help your own mother more frequently and let this lady call her children or carers for assistance.

I don't feel I can carry on doing everything for her any longer but she relies heavily on me when she isn't well.

You are a better person than I am, I wouldn't give a toss about how she would manage, having heard what she thinks of me. However, your conscience can be clear - you say that she is socially active in her church - fine, let her church support her.

And I would make damned sure she knew why I had withdrawn my support, the two-faced old hypocrite that she is.

the carer blocked your drive did,nt leave a note on her car saying where she was then stirred things up with your neighbour .?
back off gently but keep an eye on whats going on .The carer sounds very unprofessional make sure the agency is aware

Poor you Nelliemags.
I think that you have been a massive support to this Lady, and she has taken you for granted. I personally would let her know that you heard the derogatory conversation to see what she says, and then I would just walk away, returning the key. As she has Carers, she is being looked after, so time to let them take over and give yourself some very much needed respite. I would also let the Carer know that you are no longer going to be involved with this Lady.
Let us know Nelliemags how things pan out.
to you for being such a kind and caring person.

grove 1234

You make a very pertinent point here. There is some possibility that the carer rather than MrsM could be the person at fault, or partially at fault.

However since Nellies post about her ringing up and asking DD to go to cashpoint for her, I do think MrsM IS taking advantage of Nellie's easy going, kind nature! There are some people who will, if given the opportunity, get others running around for them while not putting demands on their own families.

Dear Nelliemaggs,
I wish you a very happy birthday and send you blessings for being such a wonderful human being - a rare thing in these uncertain times.
I wish you love, light and laughter - and live life for yourself xxxx

But we don't know that the carer had stirred up trouble, as Grove1234 posted. Nellie and the carer spoke amicably together, and Nellie said that now that she knew whose car it was, the carer was welcome to park there. "It turned out to be MrsM's morning carer's car but I had no way of knowing that until the carer came to my door that afternoon.. We talked and I said she was welcome to park there now that I know the number of her car and where to find her. I also talked to my neighbour and all seemed well."

It sounds to me as though the neighbour is perfectly capable of nasty gossip without being stirred up. I know a couple of old ladies who haven't a good word to say for anyone, and like to tell everyone what bad neighbours they have. No need to blame the carer.

Dear Nelliemags, you've been an absolute brick for that woman and it's time to stop . Many people think that the elderly are lovely and should be treated with kid gloves . I don't doubt that this isn't the first time this woman has said horrible things about you because she's obviously like that. People don't change over night unless it's through a serious illness. My mother was very nasty to everyone her whole life and no matter what I did to look after her she still called me " that bl..dy bitch" . Don't invest any more of your kindness in her . You cannot win in these situations. I had to continue because I'm an only child and the nasty old woman was my mother. Please don't be hard on yourself and spend some time on yourself.

Very ungrateful lady. dump her.

Happy birthday, Nelliemags!! You sound such a lovely person and you deserve to be fussed over today by people who appreciate you

I think putting your own feelings first in this instance is the right thing to do. Age can't be an excuse for nastiness. You are her neighbour not her carer and you have been so kind. I agree with mum of mad boys about quietly confronting her and then deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with her. Very good luck

Let us know what HM Next Door says once she twigs that you are not running to wait on her! Glad you had a nice day.

I agree with the majority of posters here that you should withdraw your help to this lady. Relationships have to be a two way think regardless of age or circumstances. It seems that this lady used you with out any respect or affection. It would be unhealthy for you to allow this to continue. I would still make it clear you will help in an emergency but as to previous arrangements you won't be able to provide that level of support in the future. You must decide whether to explain you over heard the phone call or not. Can I also suggest you seek opportunities for other relationships persue new interests and generally move on from this to prevent yourself to drifting backwards also?

I would ask her outright why she was saying such things about you...explain yo accidentally over heard her.

Put the truth to her and see what she says.

Does she pay you for what you do?

If she has carers why are you doing so much?

Withdraw your help (that has been so kindly given). Take advice from here to have a witness present when you give the key back. Enjoy your life !

No payment Theoddbird! Just being neighbourly.

I'm not blaming the carer who, though she made a mistake, is a sweet lady probably being paid peanuts.

MrsM has only had carers since she fell and was taken to hospital a year ago. Nothing broken but in view of her age they had to set up a care package, free for 6 weeks. Then she had to reduce the care because of the cost and she just has the carer to get her up safely and down the stairs.

I never have a spare minute from dawn to dusk. Tomorrow from 6.30am until 6pm I will be looking after our 2 year old who is getting over a bug and I will be missing my usual swim. I'm still doing the DIY on the house, baking, growing vegetables, sewing, moderating on a health forum, there is no danger of me missing the time spent helping MrsM. It was always a squeeze to fit her in to my busy day.

Tokyojo I am sorry you were in that position having gone through it with my mother. People used to blame her nastiness on her age but she was always like that and led my poor father a merry dance. At least I had siblings to help and talk to.

I will talk to MrsM eventually but for the moment I am just enjoying keeping away

I was helping the mother of a close friend a few years ago, sort out some carer and banking issues - my friend lives abroad and trusted me to do this.
However her mother had become very bitter and verbally, say challenging, towards her eighties and once did say to me when in a bitter tirade that it wasn't surprising my husband had been abusive to me.
Out of the blue. I took a deep breath, put it down to her overall bitterness and got on with the things I needed to do to help her.

So it could be your neighbour is just a sad old woman who still needs your help Nelliemags but as others have said on here, maybe you also need to pull back a bit, for your own health and sanity. If she has family, my last kindness towards her would be giving the family a ring and telling them she would now need their help as you cant anymore.