How to have conversations

Maybe she is just enjoying her food?

Reminds me of my DD and DgD (8) out in a restaurant with the family.
DD: " Now we are in a proper restaurant so let's have a grown up conversation - what shall we talk about?"
DGD: "I know - car Insurance"

Suzie

joyjoy children can be very shy, even with their own family - sometimes even more so. When you say that she 'tunes out' it may be her way of coping with what she sees as a stressful situation.

As a shy child, I would have been rather intimidated to have been expected to have "conversation" at the dining table - indeed, years ago, we would have been expected not to chat when eating, although obviously, times have changed! I think it would be best to allow her to interact in her own way - even if that means not being very chatty, she is obviously not withdrawn at other times.
Allow her to be herself.

joyjoy, it must seem odd if you see her chatting away with a group of friends and know she chats to you on the phone. Have a think about the meal time, might it feel quite formal to her, is she sitting where she can see other people, is she comfortable physically, are there gaps in the adult conversation to let her get a word in? Did someone once tell her to be quiet at the table? Those sort of things. If there is nothing obvious then perhaps try to let her lead, it may be that she just doesn't want to talk while she is eating (not necessarily a bad thing) or she is genuinely bored by the adult conversation. Think I'd wait and see at this point. Just another thought, does she ever go to a friends house for a meal, if so perhaps a quiet word with the parents to find out how she behaves there, see if its different. Of course it may be that at times she just want to listen. I wouldn't worry too much, she has people who care about her and who want the best for her, things will change when she is ready for them to. Sometimes its best just to wait and see.

Perhaps you could find out which TV programmes, films and music she is interested in and watch them yourself so that you can start a discussion with her. I do this with my GCs all the time. There is plenty to discuss about things like X Factor, Junior BakeOff or I'm a Celebrity. Something makes me think you might consider them too trivial.

Why not take a leaf out of French children's book? Families discuss the food on the table, how it is grown, how it is cooked, how it tastes, whether it is nutritious and so on. Two hours later the children have contributed with interest to the conversation!

Two hours!?

I rarely got a word in edgeways at our dinner table. That's why I used to be called 'the quiet one of the family'.

and DH was brought up with the belief that there should be no conversation whatsoever during dinner.

Just wait until she's a teenager - saying nothing at all to any of you, even on the phone, but chatting ten to the dozen with her friends (what do they talk about?).

rosesarered
DD when asked 'what did you do in school today?' used to answer 'Nothing'.
Not much point in going really.

Yes*Ana*, it's not unusual in France for families to sit round the table for a long while, eating and talking. Of course, Joyjoy's GD won't manage two hours, but a discussion about food leads into all sorts of lengthy conversations.

Oh, for heavens sake, just enjoy her company.

...in answer to the OP.

Yes, I agree ffinnochio

I agree ffinnochio
Chat when she wants to chat
It's annoying when someone keeps talking to you when you want to be quiet.

what is proper conversation when you're nine? I hope it's not question after question of 'how was your day, what did the teacher say, what did you have for school lunch, did you play with your friends at break-time' etc etc
Dunno, dunno, dunno, dunno

Children need to see models of behaviour/ language etc. to help them learn. if the adults have lighthearted conversations about their day, TV, newspaper article etc. and then turn to DGD and say, as you would to an adult, how was your day?, What do you think of the show / article? or Can you tell me about that computer game you like to play? etc etc. If you are talking about some local/national issues you can always ask her opinion too! Does she go to any clubs /classes etc.? She may be keen to talk about those.

She may get into the habit of joining in. Make sure the question you pose does not require a yes or no answer & whatever you do do not make her feel she is being interrogated or on the spot!

At 9 I was at boarding school and we had to eat in silence, except at breakfast wen we were allowed to converse!

Had another thought, joyjoy, ours love being asked their opinion on things like the colour to decorate a room or whether we use the white or patterned plates. They also love to give fashion advice. We don't have to take the advice (!) but it gives the basis for some fun chats.

Tea was always at 6pm in our house and eaten in silence, so Dad could listen to the six o'clock news on the wireless.
The disadvantage of this from our parents' point of view was that we then asked searching questions about current affairs like the Suez Crisis, or who Sir Edward Boyle was and why they disliked him.

Perhaps joyjoy your DGD is quietly absorbing the adult conversation and storing up her observations for future use.
I would let her get on with it.

It sounds like fairly normal behaviour for her age group. We have a ten year old GS who we pick up from school two days a week. We have given up trying to get conversation out of him on these occasions, unless he chooses to volunteer information about his day himself, which is rare. I can usually tell by his body language what kind of a day he's had, but generally speaking, he's a happy, busy little boy, so I don't worry too much about it. He's far more chatty when we get together at the weekend, when we will all sit down to lunch and he will join in the conversation if and where he can. As others have said, chat when she wants to chat.

GS2 sits down to dinner and says "How was your day Mummy?" He started this when he was three. Whether he's interested in the answer is uncertain!

O,M G. Echoes of my own childhood here. I used to dread having to make conversation when all I wanted was to be me.

At the table I meant to add.

I can remember in my younger days never being able to think of anything to say, especially when I was pressured! I suppose I was shy. I was in my 40s before I had a friend who easily conversed with everyone. I listened to her and copied her. It still does not come naturally and sometimes I overcompensate and talk too much.

As Janeainsworth says maybe she is storing up her observations for future use! Let her be. I still find most adult conversations boring!