very difficult time with family and grandchild living abroad

I too have children and grandchildren living in The US and Oz, over the passed 18 years since the first daughter emigrated to the U.S with my DGC who are now adults, I have felt just like you sausages 123, I have lost friends because I was so angry and depressed when the youngest emigrated to OZ 10 years ago, and had my 2 younger DGC.
I have no other children, so it was a Hugh loss and I have had counselling to help me accept it is the way it is.
I have joined a gym, learning to dance (ballroom&) Latin). I scrapbook and put all my memories of my visits in to them .
I know others whoa re not in our situation don't understand, but. How can they? I accept that now and just talk to people who do.
My husband and Ido dog sitting, so our home is always busy with them and helps me feel less lonely.
I don't cry now as much as I used to, but still feel a tad envious when I hear other grandparents mention that they share babysitting duties. Ect. But some say they are totally exhausted at the end lol.
And I get 2/3 weeks a year of uninterrupted fun with my grandchildren when I visit.
Hopefully it will be longer and more often inlater years

Hello Sausages and welcome. I am sure there are many grans here who share your situation and who can offer good advice.

I just wanted to say that you will not be alone in your dismay.

My children have not moved abroad so I can't know how you are feeling but... having seen a few episodes of a programme where families shoot off on an expenses-paid trip to Australia to see if they like it - or not - and their families do a piece to camera saying 'well, we'll miss you but we want the best for you' etc.... I just don't understand. Of course I wish the best for my family but I would be bawling at the camera shouting 'no, don't go!'. I feel that sometimes the programme is engineered to exploit families at the expense of some members.

I guess I am probably in a minority but I can absolutely understand why you feel so upset, angry and possibly depressed.

If it's likely that your family will remain abroad, please accept the wonderful advice in these forums and make a different life for yourself.

Regards

So sorry to hear about all your losses. Can you plan to visit them? I have a friend who visits DD almost every year for a few months. She has DS and family here too so won't emigrate. Now she has her own friends out there and it has really given her a new lease of life. A long visit is something to look forward to as well as picking up your life here.

Sausage I feel your sorrow but! many years ago when I was in the depths of despair someone had said to me 'there is only one way to go when your down and that is up' I found it difficult when I first retired to find a new life But and there is that 'but' again, through someone mentioning the U3A and nearly every area as one there is a fulfilling life with new friends to be made. I cannot believe in my retirement years, my life is the best it as ever been. I love the freedom of retirement the freedom of ties the freedom having to be responsible for someone else's life. Sounds selfish and it is selfish but my boys are happy and living their lives just as we did when we were young. It will get better sausage honest

Another one here Sausages - there are dozens of us! 17 years ago my middle daughter at 20 travelled to Australia with her 2 sisters, met her husband and stayed (the others returned). She has made her life there and produced 4 wonderful children; she and I are closer than ever. I am in the fortunate position of being able to visit annually and they have been 'home' 4 or 5 times. We talk on FaceTime frequently and I feel part of their lives. My other 2 daughters live 500 miles away and I probably see them as often/little as DD2. Since being widowed, life is lonely but you make of it what you can. I am about to up sticks and move nearer my UK daughters and am relishing the opportunity of starting Part Three of my life, surrounded by family and hopefully new friends.

sausages Sending healing hugs to you!

I hope you have some time now to volunteer and get involved in activities that will surely help others and yourself. Being needed is very important!

It's so hard to let your children go but as everyone says we raise them to be independent and should be pleased when they make a success of doing so. I'm another whose youngest son emigrated to NZ 3.5 years ago when his wife was 5 months pregnant with their first child. She wanted to go home to her family which was totally understandable and in some ways was a relief knowing they would have the support of all those people they wouldn't have had living 200 miles away from us. The tears and sadness that I (and his dad) felt were kept well hidden as the time approached for them to go and yes - we did feel angry too in some respects that he could even contemplate taking our grandchild away before he was even born. It's not been easy - our other son lives 2 hours away having moved when our granddaughters were 8 & 5 so we are completely on our own too and also lost all 4 parents in the space of 2 years. The only way to get through it is to keep busy - be that with work, hobbies or joining something which interests you. We are lucky that we have Skype and FaceTime and though not in contact too often due to work commitments do manage to talk once a month or so. We have been out there to visit once after their second son was born and joy of joys they are coming home for Christmas this year for 6 weeks. I know it's been hard for him as he has been homesick at times but in reality they have a much better life over there than they would have had where they lived which he acknowledges. I hope you find some solace in the replies you've had and don't feel quite so isolated - losing so many people in such a short space of time takes it's toll and coupled with no one around to share the pain it's no wonder you feel so alone. I joined GN for just the same reason as you and have found it a great help to share feelings and thoughts with other like minded folks.

My daughter and her family live about 50 miles away, which of course is nothing by comparison to my sons partners daughter who lives in New Zealand with husband and new baby, and to others on here. However my daughter leads a very busy life and meeting up is a bit hit and miss!! I do miss not seeing more of them particularly my 10 year old grandson who is is such a lovely little boy. We keep in touch of course, and when my elder granddaughter was very small I used to send her bits and pieces through the post, and she would respond by sending me odds and ends!!
At the moment I am laid up with a broken hip after a fall (silly old fool!!) and wishing they lived closer!! But as my late mother used to say, 'if you love them, you must let them go'. Their happiness and well being is all important, and I find that a source of contentment. to cheer you up!!

Sorry for your situation. I agree with ilovecheese, all those seemingly little things like hobbies and small treats can add up to quite a lot of comfort. They help the time to pass and keep you occupied and therefore take your mind off the bad stuff.
Have you any hobbies which you can share with others in a club situation? Then you'd make friends with those who share the same interests. This is a real help if you're shy as it gives you common ground to start off with when it comes to starting conversations. please don't despair.

Sausages When you have family living abroad it is normal to be upset that you cannot see them as much as if they were living near you or in the same country as yourself.
Are you angry with yourself because of your feelings they have 'deserted'you?.My situation is of a similar nature
I won't go into detail but be assured I have many times felt like you.
Try and involve yourself in hobbies, get out and meet people Hard I know but you are not alone if this is of any consolation Just keep chatting to us and please don't hold back on your feelings just have a good old rant we are all here to listen.

Hi Sausages123, welcome to Gransnet. I've found there's a wealth of hugs, help and advice on here as well as friendship and sometimes the chance to meet up if that's what you'd like. Many GNers have family living a distance away, some in the UK and some abroad, as you can see. You are never alone with Gransnet!

When you get to read other discussions, you'll find that even when family lives nearby, it's not without its problems.

Treat yourself kindly and do keep in touch. Sending to cheer you.

Hello! I'm fairly new to this site as well and in the same situation. I have two young granddaughters living in Spain. I was devastated when the family moved there a year ago as I was and still am very close to them. (My other grandchild also lives about 150 miles away!) However I've been to visit several times now and they are settled and very happy there. It's a wonderful life for them and the visits really help. I'm retired and live on my own and have often felt very lonely as I have no other relatives that live any where nearby. Friends help, I make a point of trying to meet them for lunch or a film etc at least once a week. I feel for you but it's important to try and keep positive. Not always easy I know!

I think you are wrong when you say it is not a common problem sausages. Most families, I know, have at least one family member living abroad. My sister has lived abroad since the 60s and DD moved to Europe 7 years ago.
I brought DC up to be independent and that is what they are.

Dear Sausages123, the Gransnetters here have offered lots of good advice and I can only support this. Twenty years ago our DS (& only child) and our DiL, went to work in California - and have made it their home. Then along came our DGD (12) and DGS (10) - who are very American! Yes, it's been hard, but I keep my own life busy and happy, so that I don't "dwell" on things. (They don't come to the UK often, but DH and I have been lucky enough to make the 5000 mile journey almost annually - making it clear that we're spending their inheritance!) Like others here, I keep my sadness to myself and use Skype and other forms of modern communications to keep in touch. It has got easier to bear, but they're always on my mind.

[ flowers ] = flowers but no spaces

I have been living alone for ten years now and was lonely for a time. My two sons and grand children are 30 miles away. Although not a great distance, too far to just call in. Having always been a dog owner, I decided to give a home to a 16 week old puppy who had already had 4 homes in his young life. A big boisterous breed and everyone thought I had gone a bit crazy. I was 68 at the time and not in very good health. He is 2 years old now and settled down greatly. He is a companion, a friend, someone to cuddle and keeps me safe. Now I never feel lonely. I then got him a tiny companion, A chiwawa boy and they are totally in love with each other. I don't even need the tv now, as they keep me so occupied. Not everyone's cup of tea, but sorted my loneliness out a treat. You just have to try and find something to fill that empty space in your life. Just keep looking for something that makes you happy and go for it. Good luck to you and hope you feel brighter soon.

Don't kid yourself that nobody understands. I had 6 years of my son living in Australia, I missed the birth of my first Grandson too. I understand. The thing is it doesn't do to wallow in self-pity. Get Skype or similar, then at least you will be able to watch them grow. It is the future of their children the parents wanted to secure. I know it is lonely but you can sit in your chair and feel sorry for yourself, OR you can do something to help yourself, as I did, and find something to occupy your spare time. I took up painting and I find it very soothing. Who knows, it may not be forever. My son is now in UK thank goodness, but I do understand how you feel, I had 6 years to cope with separation, you just have to accept it has happened and move on.

Grief is the price we pay for loving. If you have had multiple bereavements then anger is a part of that grieving process and will settle in time. It is hell to go through.

The other bit of the kids living away is hard too, and a sort of bereavement becuse you had a template of the sort of gran you would be and our memories go ahead of us as well as behind.

Re-jig that template. Send silly gifts and write stories for the child, send him little letters, keep Skype going...........nothing on earth can stop you loving and being loved.

I have had some of those issues, it is tough but it is normal. The very thing I like about this site is however extreme we think our own goings on are, we can see here that it is all normal, we are not alone.

You will find company here, new perspectives and advice. Treat yourself like another person you are caring for, make sure you eat well and get out a bit, meet new people.

I wish you well, I wish us all well, we all have problems to share here.

Welcome sausages, DD and 3 GC still on this island but as far from us as possible. So much good advice here, arrange a visit if you can soon. U3A great

Not too far away, see below:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-38280722

There are even faster aircraft all but ready in the wings.

Times change. The world is shrinking.

Sending BIG HUGS so you know you are not alone.

Things to do in Retirement

U3A (University of the third age)

Knitting/Sewing circles

WI

Gardening volunteers

Volunteers in Charity Shops

Church

Over 60+ Social Clubs

Caravan Club

SAGA Clubs

www.retirementexpert.co.uk/retirementclubs.html

I can fully understand the feelings of loss and grief you are experiencing. Ten years ago my daughter and husband decided to move abroad taking with them my 2 grandsons then aged 3 and 5. I had looked after the boys 2 days a week and they stayed with me on Saturday nights. Those Saturday nights were the hardest. I felt as though my arms ached to hold them. Gradually I pulled myself together and became a volunteer for Homestart. The best thing I have ever done. Visiting parents who weren't coping and offering advice and sometimes just company fulfilled a need to nurture. Through Homestart's training sessions and meetings I got to know other volunteers some of them now friends. It does get better.

An explanation of the U3A. There are NO exams unless you want them. There are hundreds of subjects you could study and things to make and do. There are people who come and give talks, they have lunch parties, there is usually one in every town in UK. It does not cost an arm and a leg and is within the reach of most people.

These clubs are very popular and you can make a lot of friends who will help you through difficult times.

u3asites.org.uk/files/c/chardilminster/docs/frequentlyaskedquestions.pdf

Hi Sausages123 I'm not in a similar situation, but just wanted to say 'hi' and welcome to Gransnet - a great site with interesting threads and a lot of members that will be able to relate to your circumstances. Depression and lonliness are buggers and I hope you are able to find something to help you cope better. You should feel proud that you've raised independent and confident kids. Hobbies, charity/voluntary work or support groups might be worth looking into. I hope you find some support and empathy here and that life feels better soon. Best wishes

Hi there I first joined gransnet after my daughter and grandchildren moved abroad, I found it a great comfort to know I was not alone. However so many of the posters are brave,"we gave them wings to fly" etc, you can feel a bit depressed if you are not coping. Yes I was angry, we had been a family for many years and now when we are old they will not be part of that mutual support, I also felt a grief which was overwhelming. I miss being part of their young lives and at first it was hard to hear about other peoples grandchildren. I think you have to allow yourself these thoughts for a while but I promise you it does get better. I already had good friends and activities, but I have found more. we are actually moving house to be nearer the rest of the family, we have had to restructure our lives and have found some positives to the situation.I do however know right now how you are feeling !!!