mother's day

She is 99

I understand how you feel. My mother (who passed away aged 89 last year) was a very unkind mother to me, not to my brother who was very much wanted, but I have never held that against him. She had my brother running around like a headless chicken trying to please her until the day she died. I was told in no uncertain terms when I was 10 that I should never have been born and was a " bloody mistake." She was a very controlling person and lo and behold if you didn't do things her way. When she died I didn't feel anything, still don't, I never shed a tear and some of you will think how cruel. I think it's self preservation. We can't please some people, get on with life and enjoy it.

Not all mothers are loving and kind - is this a continuation of the way she has treated you all your life? My own mother is very controlling and selfish. When my brother had to have a hip replacement her only concern was that he wouldn't be able to take her out, when I was diagnosed with cancer she showed no concern and gave no support - not a letter or a card. As she lives in another country our only contact now is through letters although I have sent a card and flowers for Mother's Day I will not receive even an acknowledgment. Her attitude is anything we do for her is no more than we ought to.

Just in case I don't make it to 99, I have started early on not going to places if I don't feel up to it. I think that's the best all round, I feel safeer at home some days (Fibro) and other people can do without me spoiling their day by keeling over.

Personally, I think that is pretty well mannered myself. Where is the goodness in insisting that people are dragged out of bed to suit you?

As she is 99 I doubt very much if it is dementia. My darling mother lived until 2 months before she was 98 and any time her behaviour was "off" was when she had a UTI. UTI's can cause dementia like behaviour but once treated they return to their usual self.

She is 99 so I would not expect her to necessarily want to come to your house if she was not feeling up to par. It's nothing against you personally she was most probably just tired and wasn't up to socialising. Just check that she is ok and carry on as normal.

My mum is 94 and has dementia. I went to see her yesterday and it was not one of her good days. She didn't know me, and was saying weird things to people who weren't there. When I visited a few days ago she was still able to walk (with a frame) but yesterday she had to be moved in a wheelchair. I had to feed her as she didn't seem to know what to do. I came home and cried. She was always feisty and argumentative, I would have welcomed a telling off or any sign that my mum was still inside the body.

My late mother at 91 used to sulk, and would give anyone she didn't take to with a stony glare.I used to want to crawl in a hole.I imagine its a form of senility and nothing we can do about it.None of us know how we would be at that age.

My mother is 96 and has always seemingly hated me. My brother has never visited, never lifted a finger to help her, yet can't do anything wrong. In the end, her vicious rants upset me so much I had to cut off all contact with her. Some may think this harsh but she was making it so I coul sleep, eat, I was a nervous wreck. I tried literally everything to find out why she was behaving this way but it seems to boil down to the fact that she only likes my brother and always has done. I should add she is fit and well and sound of mind. It's not her age, she's always been vicious to me, as was her mother before her. I spent 23 years looking after her, taking her out, doing her shopping, taking her on holiday. My thanks for that is she's cut me out of her will and giving it to my brother. I can't help feeling a little envious of the lovely relationship many people have with their mother. I would love a relationship like that. One of my daughters looks after her now and apparently she often says nasty things about me and I'm not even there. I don't care about the money, it's the lack of love and I sympathise deeply with anyone with similar problems.

My mum who died at 94 didn't come to us after about 90, it was all too much for her.

to see my house which she has not seen yet, which is near to where she lives

I think i would have taken 'meals on wheels' to make sure she was OK.
If she doesn't normally behave like this is it possible she is not feeling well - a water infection can make someone behave oddly.

I see that quizqueen suggested that too and Daisyboots suggested it could be a UTI.

Great minds

If I reach 99 I hope I am not cantankerous but I hope to be eccentric
(well, no change there my DC would say).

Greyduster She wouldn't have got a bloody card from me either! Obviously couldn't be bothered with her kids, so why bother having them!

Cath9 Doing the maths, if your mum is nearly 100 you are not going to be a spring chicken yourself and could have done without the stressful effort, anticipation and subsequent hurt you received yesterday. Maybe it's reasonable for her to stay in bed and only seem to care about your brother, but have a hug and some flowers from me for trying to do right by her

My lovely mum died at 67. I'd give anything to have her here at 99, and she could be as difficult as she liked.

She is 99 for goodness sake. What do you really expect? It is all too much for her by the sound of it. You can't be too young yourself and can do without these exoectations you put on yourself and your mother. I would ring her every day, make sure she is ok visit when you can and go with flowers and some photos of your new home. Just cone back off holiday and there was a very smart 90 year old who did nothing but scream at the poor staff and moan to everyone and make them miserable, the company had to apologise to the staff, all very young, what a stressful few days for the rest of the group, wish she had stayed at home.

Look, the poor old lass is 90yrs old! Give her some credit for reaching that age. No wonder she doesn't want to go out, she cannot keep up with all the youngsters. Most old people need to rest all the time. It is not unusual, it is expected. I wish my Mother had lived until she was 90yrs old!

Georgia491 you are not alone. My Mother went the same way. ie preferring our young brother to me and my sisters. It is because she had dementia in her old age. Do not take it to heart, forget all the nasty remarks and accusations because she really doesn't know what day it is never mind understands what she is saying. My brother never visited except for about 3 times a year whilst we did all that needed to be done. We all clubbed together to buy this bungalow (she did not contribute anything) and yet she told him she was going to leave everything to him and cut us out. Of course she couldn't do that because the bungalow belonged to us all not our Mother. Bless her she had dementia. Don't let this cause trouble or bad feelings between you all.

99yrs old not 90yrs old! Keep her going and she will get a certificate from the Queen when she is 100yrs old. Good Luck!

You really have to develop a sense of humour to cope as people get older. My mum is 94 we took lunch to her and she enjoyed it. She has been known to make the most inappropriate remarks and to attribute things I have done for her to someone else (often one of my sons). We just make a joke of it, as we do when she tells the same embarrasing stories about my childhood and teens. It isn't any use being upset about it because she won't improve and she may well get worse. You could I suppose talk to her about it, but I'm not sure that will make any difference. Best just to take a deep breath and try to see the funny side. Oh and at least you have a brother who helps, mine is 250miles away and visits once a year. Stay strong!

It must have been frustrating having prepared the meal, her lift and got the house just so for her first visit to have her refuse to budge, but I'm afraid that as we get older empathy, manners and consideration seem to be some of things which are lost in order to just survive. A fair bit of lateral thinking and humour is needed by caring offspring!

Think it should have been you visiting your mother, not her visiting you. Have you got children? did they visit you or were you expected to visit them?

Sorry but no sympathy here. I'm not swayed by good manners/bad manners. NINETY NINE YEARS OLD

I'm sure she's far more comfortable in her own chair (or bed), doing what she wants like napping, eating what and when she wants

My experience of mothers who live well into their 90s, is that they get plonked into an armchair and after the ooing and ahing of cards and gifts, are generally ignored till max 2 hours into the visit they want to go home.

When my own mother, 95 with all her marbles intact, refused to come over at Christmas I can say hand on heart, that I got it. Too much noise, too many kids, too much good. My sister was fuming because she took my mums lunch to hers (after we had eaten).

It's just a sad yet common problem. Mothers Day is hardly a life changing event.

So to all the over 90s out there .... Do what YOU want.

my mum was exactly like this. Towards the end of her long life it was like trying to negotiate with a stroppy 3 year old!

I doubt that you're alone. My MIL will be 93 next month and she's always had a difficult relationship with her eldest son. Her mind is wandering now and she's losing touch with reality. She's in a home at the moment and during one of his visits she loudly snapped at him, "You can go home now!"
Sympathy for you, at 99 she won't be around for much longer. My mum didn't last long enough to be difficult but at least she was spared the indignities of old age.

Its all part and parcel of being 99...Be thankful she is still here..I wish mine was.