New Partner/Old Partner

phoenix, I spotted that but didn't mention it for fear of lowering the tone!

I'd read mumofmadboys post carefully again.

Impotence is very demasculising for men, and they are very sensitive about their inability to perform. Does he have medication for high blood pressure? This can have such side effects.

I'd be more wary about restarting a relationship where you get your 'head bitten off' for trying to talk to someone than about his actual lack of interest in sex.

It might be wiser not to have him as a live-in companion but just as a good friend.

My own first thoughts were a bit similar to SAAK has he come back for the familiarity and the comfort as he gets older and perhaps less of a stud
A few questions to try and get the bigger picture
You were married 14 years and divorced 13 ...a divorced doesn't happen overnight so the marriage must have been in trouble well before the 14 years
You don't say why you broke up, you obviously still love him you say he's always loved you so something catastrophic must have made you divorce
Do you know what's been going on in his life in the 13 years you ve been apart I think that's quite important Has he been in other relationships ? Have you? Have you been in touch over this period have you been hankering after him how did you get back together I think there is so much missing in your first post that it's really hard to help you..... if he truely believes he's not up for sex because of lack of it you'd think if he trusts and loves you he'd want to try to practice

My own take is to be very very careful and cautious about going back to something especially if that something caused you pain the first time it's rarely the utopia you are wishing for but I hope it will be for you

Thank you for all for taking the time to respond - I have to admit that I'm pissed at you stillalive for making such huge assumptions. Thanks Welshwife, you seem to have got it. You have all raised lots of questions which I will seriously think about and act upon.

While sex is a big thing in relationsips, especially new ones, even I suppose if they are recycled, many men do have reasons for not being able to perform........and sometimes when people have been together for ages it does just wither on the vine......doesn't stop people loving each other.

If the lack of sex was due to an illness or accident how would you feel about him then?

Very easy to suppose that there is someone else out there and all that,....... but equally possible 'better the devil you know'. If he is only 53 he may recover his libido if that is the issue ......only you can tell if what you have is worth what is lacking, not sure that you could just swap him for someone who performs better who you love love and feel safe with, if you have real feelings for him they won't just disappear.

I slid on wet leaves in my own garden, my knee ballooned so I could not get up at all, this in winter and heavy rain threatening, I was out there on the ground for over 2 hours, bum shuffed round to the shed, over gravel paths, pants in tatters....

My neighbour also a tubby little woman came round when she arrived home from work and heard me calling. We were like a pair of rotund mud wrestelers out there for a while, eventually I managed to drag myself up using shed door frame.......very scary.

Resolved to be far more careful, have phone in pocket etc...sons wanted the old lady alarm on a string around my neck.....was very careful for a few weeks, totally lost confidence........installed coffee machine in shed and blankets and pillow in case ever caught our again...radio, good books....but still not confident about being outside even in my own garden.

Howevever, I forget the very things that would help me, walking sticks, phone etc............they all make me feel so old!!!!

I hope you recover fully from you fall.... months later I'm still struggling.

I was in a situation where I could have taken back the ex. We had all this 'I'm so sorry' etc. It turned out the new lady had got fed up with him and he wanted a safe harbour!
Do not be too cross with Stillalive......someone being the 'devil's advocate' can help us see a problem more clearly and No, I did not let him back and now, years later I am living a life that I just know would never have happened with him. I have done so much, seen so much and been very privileged and happy.

Am wondering in the years apart from each other if your ex husband used to drink alcohol regularly. Long term this can cause erectile disfunction and high blood pressure, depending on the quantity of drinks over a long time. Think he needs to see his GP to have a medical check up. This might not be the problem at all, and his sex drive may have just dwindled as he says. Use it or lose it I think is the expression.

Would you like this man's view ?

I think sexual desire is 99% chemical and physical, and depends on weight, exercise, diet and maybe some natural supplements

When I retired at 65 I was overweight and showed all the signs of middle-aged spread. In addition, for a few years I had had erectile dysfunction and my sex life was non-existent. As I now realise, this lack of testosterone shows itself in low libido or sexual desire, few sexual thoughts and no erection in the morning.

I read some books about low-GL diets and started to take a little exercise, mostly in the form of brisk walking up a steep hill. Over a year I dropped my weight from 85kg (13st) to 65 kg (10st) and reduced my waist by 2 trouser sizes.

However, the most surprising change was that my libido went through the roof. I would wake up in the morning with a raging hard-on and my brain was full of sexual thoughts. The benefit was that my sexual performance was revitalised and my wife and I now have a sex life like we did when we were in our thirties.

Within 1 year I had achieved an amazing result - just from a change in diet and a little exercise !

I am now 75 and able to perform like a teenager !

What can you do to help achieve this ?

* If he is overweight, what can you change about the food that he eats ?
* Lead him by the hand and go out for walks together
* Take the lead in bed, but start slowly with just kisses and caresses
* Keep giving - it may take a long time before he responds positively !
* Only be positive - never nag him about this

There are natural supplements that help both his heart and his blood flow, but he has to want to take them. These include: Vitamin D3, Vitamin K2, Omega-3, Zinc, Magnesium and Maca.

I hope that this helps

What the hell happened.
I think men in their early fifties having had relationships should know what makes a woman tick.
So its not about the not knowing but possibly the can't doing.
Unless a woman is ill then well into old age she will respond to her partner sexually but for a man, 'things' can alter if he is beginning to experience physical issues which prevent him from doing what should be natural.I don't believe his version of a diminishing appetite for sex unless he has had extensive surgery, for instance prostate cancer.Has he been celebate in the years you have been apart?. Unusual if he has?
I am inclined to believe he has a physical problem in which he is too proud to discuss with you
I would attempt to get his confidence, go to a doctor together for advice and help. You can't live permanently in this situation.

Apologies for posting about my fall in rong thread, was multi tasking unsuccessfully.........

RogerG. You may have summed up the answer in a nutshell and nice to hear a male viewpoint. I can,t add anything else but WOW good on you!

Something I don't think anyone has yet mentioned, whatthehell. Type 2 diabetes is a not uncommon cause of impotence/erectile dysfunction. At 53, and possibly a bit overweight, this could be the proverbial 'ticking time bomb' for your man!
He owes it to you and himself to get a check up - I doubt if it's old age that's causing his trouble.

Emmm.....thanks for sharing Roger ....am I reading something into your name?

I do not think that a relationship without sex is necessarily one where the woman is a "doormat".

What really matters are two things:
- do you love each other?
- would you be happy with a loving relationship that did not include sexual activity?

I am now 75 and able to perform like a teenager !

Well, I don't have direct experience of teenagers in that particular area of expertise but I should imagine that they would lack the finesse that an older man should have acquired.

Testosterone can fall in middle aged men to cause this problem. It may be as simple as that. I'd be more worried about your ability to communicate with your partner and I'd probably be telling him that if it were me.

Thank you all so much for your input - I do love him and believe he loves me - he has never been any good when it comes to talking and I think he is embarrassed about this - and also fearful that there is a medical problem, which is making him defensive. RogerG, your honest and open reply is so valuable - thank you so much.

also both of you could go to the GP for a health check - sort of MOT ! - and they will check for diabetes and high blood pressure - causing problems for men in this department.... if you both go it may encourage him to go as well - in my experience men are more reluctant to go to GP than us women - but could be good for both - no need to mention the reason you actually want him to go - but it may lead to suggestions suggested by male point of view above, and a very useful general health check that we should all have as we get older
good luck!

Just twigged your post,Anya! Very funny.

Phoenix

Roger your lucky wife! !

Someone suggested Type 2 diabetes and maybe the effects of celibacy, if he has been that.

I was nearly tempted to take back ex DH, whom I still have feelings for BUT we split for several reasons which wouldn't become obvious again until we resumed living together.

One of which was laziness on his part in the bed department - which he only admitted without thinking some 25 years later that he hadn't been faithful ever to either ex wife.

So relieved I didn't.

Roger summed it up.

I have to admit that prostate was the first thing that came to my mind. A lot of men don't want the examination....which is understandable. It's possible to have the blood test first and then the GP and your husband can discuss the need for the physical examination.

But as others have suggested it could have many causes and he really needs to see his GP. Prostate, testosterone shortage etc. are all treatable. It could also be a mental problem. He has decided he can't so it anymore so he can't do it anymore...a self fulfilling prophecy.

I think the idea of you both having physical MOTs is a good idea. It takes the pressure of him because it's both of you going. Make sure you're in the surgery with him and when the GP asks him if there is anything else and he says no so that you can prompt him with his sex issue. Men don't like to discuss such things. I prompted DH in those circumstances because he had symptoms that pointed to his prostate and sure enough with treatment he's a new man....well he's the man he used to be lol.

Try to find out if he is having 'solo sex' and watching porn. This sometimes becomes an easy way to get sex drives satisfied,and then becomes a habit.
If this is the case, then he still has a sex drive.

If this is not happening, then perhaps anxiety or depression is a problem, and this can lower libido. Another possibility is that he is not getting regular erections, and this is affecting his confidence. You could try to find a good psychosexual therapist. I hope it all works out for you.

Does he still get an early morning erection? If not it is health related. As others have posted, either T2 diabetes undiagnosed, falling testosterone levels, undiagnosed cardiac problems or possibly a side effect of treatment for hypertension for starters.

I fear you will not resolve this situation if discussion and or a visit to the GP are not on the cards. At the risk of sounding unsympathetic (I am not) he may see you as a nurse or handmaiden rather than someone with which to develop a reciprocal meaningful relationship.