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New Partner/Old Partner

(55 Posts)
Whatthehellhappened Thu 04-May-17 13:46:21

I apologise in advance for the content of this post but I really need some input and have no-one else I can turn to for such sensitive advice.

About 3 months ago, after lots of dancing around each other, my ex-husband and I decided to give it another go. We were together for 14 years and have been divorced for 13. It has been weird starting a new relationship with someone I know so well but it has made it easier in some respects. But... when we were married, he was always up for sex, and now he's not. He says he loves me (that he never stopped loving me); he says he fancies me (even though I'm heavier than I used to be but then, so is he). He isn't as demonstrative as he used to be and he has admitted that the reason for this is that he thinks it will lead to sex. His issue, he says, is that his sex drive has diminished through lack of use.

I'm not convinced that is the reason - when we used to be in bed he was already 'ready' if you know what I mean. Now, never - and it takes quite a lot of work to get him that way. He says it's because he's old - he's 53! I'm worried that there's a health reason behind it but he refuses to accept that. I don't want to make him anxious about this because I know that will make things worse but I'm worried. Any ideas??

norose4 Thu 04-May-17 14:04:45

A few ideas went through my head Whatthehell, but first question is did this not come up (no pun intended) before you got back together, as you say 53 is not old.would he agree to talk to a Dr about it ? Or does he just have no interest whatsoever in the physical side, preffering just the companionship of being together again, if so it would have been good to have been truthful about it to you before you actually get back together , maybe he feared rejection. either way I think he owes you a proper conversation, he shouldn't feel anxious as you sound like a very sensitive thoughtful person . Good luck

Whatthehellhappened Thu 04-May-17 14:11:27

Thanks norose for responding. He says there's nothing wrong except for a diminished sex drive but I know that there's more to it than that. The first thing that came to mind for me was prostate trouble but I got my head bitten off for suggesting that.

norose4 Thu 04-May-17 14:24:45

Oh dear,Whatthehell, it seems like you have a bit of a task on your hands if he is clamming up,if it is prostate problems he would be going to the loo often (but not passing much) my Dad had it ,prognosis is good if you catch it early,but I believe the treatment makes the loving department a bit more difficult for a while. Is he willing to be intimate with you, if you are ok about not going the whole hog!( sorry I'm a bit of a sqemish 64yr old , not used to saying it how it is😊)That might give you some indication if he is being entirely truthful with you.I would say you need to probe him a bit more so at least you know where you stand & have your say about the situation

kittylester Thu 04-May-17 14:25:31

I think you should risk getting your head bitten off again and have an honest talk with him. It's not a good start for a continuing relationship if he can't be open.

In my experience 53 does not equate to lack of sex drive.

Whatthehellhappened Thu 04-May-17 14:55:31

Kittylester, I think you're right. Norose, you did make me smile with your honest squeamishness smile - and yes, you're right, I do need to get him to be more truthful about this

norose4 Thu 04-May-17 15:09:43

{blush} I had two boys & had many an embarrassing moment making sure they took responsibility!!they still tease me now ! Good luck with your situation xx

Whatthehellhappened Thu 04-May-17 15:13:02

Thanks norose, I appreciate it

jollyg Thu 04-May-17 15:28:05

I refer to my OH as an ostrich and have done so from the first year of marriage

.Half a century on and we are still together.

Men and truth are not happy bedfellows.

Whatthehellhappened Thu 04-May-17 15:29:53

aint that the truth jollyg?

mumofmadboys Thu 04-May-17 17:38:35

40% of forty year olds have problems with impotence. 50 % of fifty year olds and so on. Does he still have early morning erections? May need some medication to help. Suggest chat with GP. Men find it such a difficult area to seek help for . Good luck.

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 20:26:39

Sorry OP but this is going to sound harsh.

I personally think he sees you as some sort of comfort rug. Has he been "burnt"/rejected in his last relationship? You're the sure thing. He doesn't fancy you, he just wants to lick his wounds.

phoenix Thu 04-May-17 20:37:32

norose4 , loving your suggestion that the OP should "probe him a bit more" !!! gringrin

Jalima1108 Thu 04-May-17 20:37:36

53? That is not old

Are you sure he has just not managed to find anyone else and is looking towards retirement/old age and someone to look after him?

However, if you love him and are sure he loves you then you need to sort this out and ask him gently what the problem is because it does not seem to be the norm in the re-sparking of a relationship.

norose4 Thu 04-May-17 20:55:31

Ohhhps Phoenix, yes I see what you mean 😄

Welshwife Thu 04-May-17 21:00:55

Whatever he says I would still think the prostate should be the first thing to have looked at - a simple blood test will give a good idea if anything is not right. Our surgery gave the test to men over 50 as a matter of course every so often.

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 21:02:56

Even if that's the case a man that comes home due to not being able to perform isn't one I'd want.

Welshwife Thu 04-May-17 21:12:48

There are other things in life SAAK and love has many forms and changes for lots of people over the years.

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 21:13:53

A doormat is not one of them though huh or is it?

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 21:16:03

An ex is an ex for a reason.

Welshwife Thu 04-May-17 21:38:02

Sometimes the becoming an Ex was a mistake! I have a nephew and his wife who divorced and a few years later remarried and remained so for at the latest count over 30 years and I also know another couple who did the same.

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 21:46:43

Doesn't sound like it here though Welshwife does it. My friend kicked her long term partner out after 15 years, they got back together after 3 apart and they're great together again. My friend is not on a website stating a huge problem.

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 21:47:51

The Op is stating a huge problem after 3 months of getting back together.

Welshwife Thu 04-May-17 22:13:21

I see that she is worried and would like to get to the bottom of it all.

stillaliveandkicking Thu 04-May-17 22:19:05

I feel for you letting this man back into your life. More grief again though OP? What do you think OP, are you happy?

The definition of madness is repeating the same cycle expecting a different outcome.