How do you feel about being a step-grandparent?

My daughter has a foster child, aged 15, and I have to admit that I don't feel the same about her as about my son's two children. I think that it mainly because we didn't know her as she was growing up. We do treat her the same as our grandchildren when we see her, but you can't expect to build up the same relationship as you would have with a grandchild whom you have known since birth.

You wouldn't know it from reading most of the posts here, but there are many grandparents who really don't enjoy looking after even blood DGC on a regular basis, who feel trapped and resentful. Your feelings might or might not have anything to do with the fact that yours are steps. If you don't want to do it you shouldn't be guilt-tripped into it.

bytheway.....in many ways this is a dilemma for some Grandparent, whether its full blood, half blood or just through marriage. Being a Grandparent is a strange 'job' with some its a full 'hands-on' relationship involving day-care and baby sitting on tap. With others its more of a supporting role, offering love and moral support from a distance.

We have had and still have step-grandparents in our family and in many ways they have been a lot more use and a lot more loving than those created by biology. So there are no hard and fast rules. I am a full blown Grandma to two but see them only on a monthly basis due to geography and work and school commitments. this does not mean I do not love them....its just unfortunate.

You can be a Grandparent on any level - its all about the relationship and offering love and support in whatever way you can. There should never be feelings of guilt and resentment. Try to communicate how you feel- you love your partner and want to be part of the family but you have concerns about how far you can spread yourself. Being a Grandparent is not really about providing free day-care....that's just what some people seem to expect.....it should be much more about a mutually agreed supportive family structure. I must admit I do get quite hot under the collar when I hear of children who just expect Grandparents to step up and provide.....they chose to have the children....not the Grandparents.
Of course some Grandparents do perpetuate the myth that once you get to a certain age or stage in your life that you are just gagging to be a Grandma and that you are owed that right....and that's just as misleading.
Talk to your other half, perhaps go out to dinner, on neutral ground it will be easier. Tell him you accept that he is a doting Grandad - but you can only be the person you are and that although you care a lot you have only so much to give.

My son has five children, two are not his but all have been treated the same and called our gc. Saying that we both worked full time when they were young and I made it it known that I would not babysit under any circumstances, neither of us had the energy. We did however have them over for a weekend in twos only, never five together. I do not think it is unreasonable to be working full time and not want to help with childcare. When I was a single parent I worked with the help of friends, we look after each other children to help out and I am sure something like that could be done in this case. Don't feel guilty.

bytheway two things to consider:

You are employed so you are not available to take time off for childcare during working hours.

Your DH offered and he is not working, he probably gets as tired as most grandmothers do looking after very young grandchildren. No one would expect him to take time off from paid employment to help you look after grandchildren.

Byetheway, I'm with you. No way I am going to look after grandchildren that are not connected to me. Like you I was a single parent and had to deal with life myself. I say this because my DH's children have never recognised me in any form or manner and god forbid if my DH passes away before me, I will probably never see them again. His grandchildren only stay in contact with DH for whats in it for them. He is very aware of it. They rarely visit and when they do it is always because they want something!!The good news is that they all live 250 miles away from us. Great!

Spot on Faye

I have one granddaughter and do look after her when I can if needed but it is at weekends as I also work full time (and have two teenage children). I know how you feel - I am SO tired during the week. Please don't give in when you know you wouldn't be able to cope. It will only make you feel resentful and could lead to ill will which may cause problems on later on. I do think you need to talk to your DH about taking on more than he can cope with. Children of that age are so full on - it's hard enough when you are a young parent but when you're older it is much worse!!