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Why am I worrying about everthing!

(69 Posts)
Glenfinnan Wed 09-Aug-17 08:47:55

Since I retired I expect I have more time to think about things, and probably 'overthink' is the current buzz word. But I find myself worrying that I've said the wrong thing/not done the right thing. For example some friends are in the area for a few days we all met up on Saturday which was great and I asked them to pop in anytime during their stay. They phoned yesterday to say they would pop in for coffee while out doing an errand for their host. They did that and left after an hour, then I thought perhaps they were expecting to stay to lunch and I hadn't offered it!! Stupid I know but but I need to stop this! My husband is retired too and we do go out, have holidays, friends and family round. But I need to stop this beating myself up! Am I the only one?? I'm 68 and always thought my self sensible. Practical advice please GNetters!

bikergran Wed 09-Aug-17 08:57:54

Glen I would think the fact that they said they would "pop in" meant they didn't really have any intentions of staying and wouldn't have even thought about you providing lunch, they were prob going to have lunch out somewhere.. smile

Glenfinnan Wed 09-Aug-17 08:59:46

Thank you Bikergran I feel such a wuss at the moment! Your words are reassuring!

NanaandGrampy Wed 09-Aug-17 09:00:48

Grampy was born a worrier and through the years that had coloured some of his experiences.

When he retired we had a heart to heart and now he worries about only what he can change. Everything else is just pointless.

I'm sure you're friends did exactly as they expected, popped in for coffee , a chat and to enjoy your company. Try doing what Grampy does - that way you can enjoy retirement, your friends and life in general.

What is it the Americans say -- Don't sweat the small stuff :-)

Glenfinnan Wed 09-Aug-17 09:11:57

I'll remember that Nanaandgrampy, thank you. I've always tried never to upset people but think I'm now sweating the small stuff! This will be my mantra from now on!

NanaandGrampy Wed 09-Aug-17 09:18:26

I think some of us just do worry about what others think/want/need Glen and most of the time there's no need at all. But its a hard habit to break I know. We're part of what I would consider to be 'the caring' generation.

Just treat every worry individually and put it in the appropriate box ...small stuff... don't worry. Big stuff...panic !!! LOL

Glenfinnan Wed 09-Aug-17 09:23:50

You are a wise woman! Nanaandgrampy Thank you again! Just going out for a walk now even though it's raining and tell myself to get a grip!

NanaandGrampy Wed 09-Aug-17 09:48:54

Enjoy your walk - be kind to yourself x

albertina Wed 09-Aug-17 09:54:23

If it gets really bad I would recommend a course of CBT ( Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)
I worried so much about everything, but mostly my children, it made me ill. CBT helped a great deal.

It hasn't stopped me worrying but the worry is in proportion and manageable.

I do hope you feel better soon.

Tippy22 Wed 09-Aug-17 09:58:15

I've always been a worrier but since I've retired I keep thinking about the fact that I've got less time on this earth than I've already had. I try to stay positive and enjoy all the little things but its very difficult and when I read some of the things that some people on here have to cope with I really have nothing to worry about. Again its probably because I've too much time on my hands.

Persistentdonor Wed 09-Aug-17 10:05:13

Glenfinnan, what would you say if a best friend told you this problem? If you think through how you would respond, you might find some answers.
I have sweated the small stuff all my life, and it is horrible and a hard habit to break, but it must be a shock for you coming on after retirement. Perhaps you have the answer there, and might enjoy finding a hobby which really does absorb you. Genealogy maybe?
Good luck. If it helps, you are definitely not on your own. flowers

Persistentdonor Wed 09-Aug-17 10:06:35

Glenfinnan, what would you say if a best friend told you this problem? If you think through how you would respond, you might find some answers.
I have sweated the small stuff all my life, and it is horrible and a hard habit to break, but it must be a shock for you coming on after retirement. Perhaps you have the answer there, and might enjoy finding a hobby which really does absorb you. Genealogy maybe?
Good luck. If it helps, you are definitely not on your own. flowers

Persistentdonor Wed 09-Aug-17 10:07:32

Sorry. Don't know why it went on twice. hmm

Pamaga Wed 09-Aug-17 10:07:33

I've been a worrier all my life. I worry if I haven't got anything to worry about. Since retirement I worry about trivia that would not have bothered me at all when I was working. It is a hard habit to break and making comparisons with people who really do have concerns to worry about has little effect! I do have a mantra on my computer that opens up every day ... Can't say I always abide by it but it is a daily reminder!

wildswan16 Wed 09-Aug-17 10:10:05

I tend to do my worrying before people come. As I live alone I tend to only have things I like in the cupboards. So I rush out and buy extras that I think I might need - different coffee, milk, biscuits - might they want something more substantial - salad stuff, cold meat etc. - should I offer a glass of wine - visit the scary alcohol shelves at the supermarket. Etc. etc.

Then I am always left with stuff I don't want, can't eat and feel silly for wasting my money.

Instead of just opening my front door and welcoming them in and enjoying their company.

Riversidegirl Wed 09-Aug-17 10:10:43

I have been worrying more for a year or two. I try to stop, but things just float into my mind, anything and everything. When I wake up I start thinking about even the smallest plans, not just imminent things. DH says stop thinking about things, but it is not that easy. I'm not timid, go out alone, to groups, to big football matches, but this stupid worrying worries me!!

KatyK Wed 09-Aug-17 10:15:34

Glen I do sympathise! I am exactly the same. My life is a constant worry/mither merry-go-round. As well as the big things like health, I worry that I have said/done the wrong thing. If I go out with friends for lunch, when I get back I say to DH 'I said such and such - do you think I upset them with that?' When I buy birthday/Christmas presents or cards I worry that people won't like them/be offended by them confused There isn't a minute of any day when I am not worrying about something. To be honest, I have had so many awful big things happen in my life, I am not sure why I am like this with small stuff. Low self esteem I think. To my knowledge, I have never upset/offended anyone yet, it's all in my head. I am 68 too!

MawBroon Wed 09-Aug-17 10:15:39

Welcome to WorriersRus!
I do think being retired plays a part - previously there was so much to worry about at work, home usually took care of itself.
There has been some good advice and understanding here. All I would add is be aware of the danger areas, if coffee was mentioned, coffee was expected . So no guilt on your part.
Be clear in your own mind and TRY to separate out what you cannot change from what you can and know the difference (to paraphrase that well known "prayer")
Will somebody please remind me of that the next time I am lying awake at 4.30 in the morning? smile

TillyWhiz Wed 09-Aug-17 10:17:15

CBT taught me this: Write down a situation or life event. Then draw a circle beside these words. Divide into quarters. Write Emotions, Thoughts, Physical senses (ie rapid heartbeat etc), and Actions in the 4 quarters. Now think about each quarter in relation to the situation. It's surprising how calming this can be and how it can have an effect on future situations.

glammanana Wed 09-Aug-17 10:17:51

I would expect your visitors where on their way to collect lunch from the shops they where going to so please don't read too much into it.
When I first retired I was worried how to fill my day and slowly but surely I managed to take a step back and relax,enjoy my hubby's company but still take time for myself can you arrange to meet up with friends and make a date for that and you will have something to look forward to rather than something to worry about,Take care flowers

luluaugust Wed 09-Aug-17 10:21:44

As they mentioned coffee I am sure that is all they expected. I've always been a bit of a worrier and notice this has got worse with age, I guess its to do with not being in control of everything in the same way. As friends age along with me some become more sensitive and others more insensitive in what they say and do.

EthelJ Wed 09-Aug-17 10:25:27

I know what you mean. I am much more anxious now than when I was younger. I worry about everyone and everything. I am sure I worry much more about my grandchildren than I did my children. I even get anxious leaving the house, worried I have left the lights or taps on. However I try really hard not to go back to the house or to let anxiety to stop me doing things. I've put it down to aging!

ethelwulf Wed 09-Aug-17 10:25:36

You're right. You need to stop it. Worrying can be a form of self indulgence. My late Mother never seemed happier than when she had something (usually trivial) that she could get really chewed up about. Do you have enough to do in your retirement? Boredom feeds negative thoughts. Keep active and outgoing, and the positive vibes will come...

margrete Wed 09-Aug-17 10:30:29

Have read the original post and responses with great interest. It seems that I'm at the opposite end of the spectrum. I don't worry about anything. What people think of me - well, I dealt with that one before I was out of adolescence. There are few people on earth whose opinion I value. The rest do not matter. People will do what they want to do and I cannot change anything, more's the pity. I must be getting near the end of a long life - I'm 82 tomorrow - have seen a lot, experienced a lot, regret quite a lot, but by worrying I cannot change anything, so why worry. Waste of time and effort.

ajanela Wed 09-Aug-17 10:31:10

Also recommend CBT course.

I was a great worrier, often about other people's problems as well as my own. The other day a friends who is always sharing her problems said to me "Don't worry about my problems I can cope." Since then I have and feel so much better. After all I can be supportive but not a lot I can do about her problems especially as her ethos is so different from mine.

In the example you gave the friends would not be expecting lunch and offering lunch would have complicated things as they may have felt you were offended by their refusal. If you are very worried you can always contact the person for reassurance.

When we retire we loose our role in life and that knocks our confidence which makes us worry about things we would never have before.