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has this happened to you?

(37 Posts)
rabbitpie Sun 20-Aug-17 12:06:05

I am housebound an don't get out much except to clinics and hospital appointments. Today the family are going out for lunch then coming back to me for tea and -birthday cake which i made. Re the lunch party I was told 'we would have invited you but didn't think you'd want to go.' What would your reaction be?

aggie Sun 20-Aug-17 12:07:40

I would have cancelled the tea !

Ana Sun 20-Aug-17 12:10:08

I would have shot back - 'Well, you could have asked!'

How thoughtless of them...

Craicon Sun 20-Aug-17 12:12:53

Wow, they're pisstakers of the highest order. How selfish and inconsiderate of them and to expect you to cater for tea afterwards??
If they genuinely thought you wouldn't want to go, they SHOULD STILL HAVE INVITED YOU and given you the choice.

Tell them yes you want to go and what time are they collecting you please?

rabbitpie Sun 20-Aug-17 12:14:35

I can't do that - it's ny daughter's birthday and she wasn't the one issuing the invitations

Elegran Sun 20-Aug-17 12:15:54

I'd have replied instantly and with a laugh, "Oh but I'd have loved it! Is there still a place for me?" The laugh is essential.

The worst thing to do is to to "keep these things and ponder them in your heart" so that you become convinced that it is a conspiracy to block you out - it isn't, they probably did truly think that you would find it tiring and you would be waiting for them in the afternoon with the cake and a smile.

When they arrive, give them all a hug (particularly the birthday boy/girl) and ask them a lot of questions about their lovely meal. If they mention one of your favourite foods, tell them how much you always like that and how you can't remember how long it is since you tasted it. Hint hint!!

Elegran Sun 20-Aug-17 12:19:02

I have now read all the posts since the OP and I must say here DON'T FALL OUT WITH THEM OVER IT!!! If you do they will be inviting you to the next out of obligation, not because they know you would like it and they in their turn would like you to be there.

rabbitpie Sun 20-Aug-17 12:20:38

I was answering Aggie's message -

Elegran Sun 20-Aug-17 12:25:11

Yes, I knew that, aggie I am sure you can do "What a good time you have had , it sounds a very good place. Now let's have a nice time here" combined with geting over how you WOULD have been fit to come and would have enjoyed it, just as well as you could do the righteous indignation recommended by others.

rabbitpie Sun 20-Aug-17 12:28:00

Thank you all - I think it was thoughtlessness rather than ill- will and i will have a smiley face to greet them, just wondered if i was alone in feeling hurt that I am no longer capable of making decisions of my own. Invitations like that i tend to interpret as 'we would have invited you but were afraid you'd say yes. '

BlueBelle Sun 20-Aug-17 12:49:14

Oh how hard, I think I d have to let them know that i would have like to have gone otherwise they will go on thinking you re not up for it They might have been being kind thinking you couldn't manage butbif you could have managed DO let them know Do you have to be housebound rabbitpie ? even people with major problems and disabilities can get out if helped or taken

LadyGracie Sun 20-Aug-17 13:20:40

I would have been very hurt up and wouldn't be able to hide it. I think that's awful, at least you should have been asked and had the opportunity to say no!

ginny Sun 20-Aug-17 13:59:59

Why all the pussy footing. Can you not just say ". Oh it sounds lovely. I would have loved to have been there. Book me in next time"

norose4 Sun 20-Aug-17 14:08:36

As it was them that said ' we would have invited you but didn't think you would have wanted to come' it leaves a good opening for you to say , ohh by the way don't be afraid to ask me if I would like to join you , as most of the time I would be fine & if I don't feel like it I will tell you .

justwokeup Sun 20-Aug-17 14:45:26

While I do think the OPs family have been thoughtless in leaving her out of the celebration lunch, this post is interesting to me in that I often find it difficult including DP and fitting in with family events. DP relies on family to go out too, as it seems does rabbitpie, but never suggests where to go, despite being asked, and never complains about not being included for fear of 'being a burden' (not suggesting that you do that, rabbitpie). Consequently I'm often at a loss as to what to do or where to take DP - somewhere flat, non-tiring, not weather-dependent and now food can be a problem too. Without trying to be thoughtless, we often end up going nowhere. Without taking over the post, are there other places you like to go, rabbitpie, where your family can take you, as well as out to lunch? I also think you should say that you would have enjoyed lunch out with your lovely family. So many things are left unsaid when they could be easily resolved. Anyway, cut yourself and the birthday girl a big piece of cupcake each and enjoy their company.

Anya Sun 20-Aug-17 14:58:55

rabbitpie have you since told them that you'd be happy to be asked in future?

Matza Sun 20-Aug-17 17:30:24

Oh rabbitpie! How thoughtless of them and I am so very sorry.
I am in a similar position to yourself I can get about a bit but I have epilepsy. Grandad always keeps a watchful eye over me and we do get out together.
However, my daughter is equally thoughtless and whilst I try not to show it.. it does hurt.

(Doesn't stop her leaving the bulk of child minding to us though... but won't hijack the thread on this one.)

Again, I am so sorry it is unkind and thoughtless behaviour. Good advice here so I won't repeat it.. and sending you all good wishes.

Jalima1108 Sun 20-Aug-17 18:24:31

I would have told them that I had made them a lovely cake, but sorry, I ate it all before you arrived.
I hope it wasn't your birthday that they were celebrating!

We have friends who are a bit like that - friends you can 'lose' but family is a bit different.

KatyK Sun 20-Aug-17 19:22:52

How thoughtless.

M0nica Sun 20-Aug-17 20:52:05

Rabbitpie have you refused invitations they made to you in the past? There must have been a reason they thought you would not want to come.

If they made a unilateral decision that you wouldn't want to come, without good cause. I would be very upset and say something.

Faye Mon 21-Aug-17 10:40:46

When they come to your house expecting tea and cake ask why they thought you didn't want to go? If you ask the questions you often find the answers.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 22-Aug-17 09:54:41

It is upsetting not to be asked. I wonder if they felt that it was 'too much trouble' and they couldn't be bothered?
Be pleasant but if I were you I wouldn't go to too much trouble with a very sumptuous feast when they get to yours - will they have spoiled their appetites earlier?
Mention politely and cheerfully that you would have loved to have gone to the birthday party and accept the next invitation.

Cobweb01 Tue 22-Aug-17 10:09:59

Rabbitpie, I get this all the time, I couldn't do things at times due to health issues but then people stopped asking and just assumed I wasn't able to go. It still hurts even if it is not done through ill will so I understand how you feel. I echo the sentiments of "don't fall out with them" as it just makes future events worse. We have to "grin & bear it" to a degree but do say how much you would have enjoyed it but only with a smile so it doesn't become an issue and may just make them think about asking you next time.

ExaltedWombat Tue 22-Aug-17 10:11:50

DO you want to go? Or do you just want to be asked? Do you usually refuse outings?

Gemmag Tue 22-Aug-17 10:20:43

Just make sure that they know that you would have loved to have been asked!. And as Elegran has said DONT FALL OUT OVER IT. You are clearly feeling a bit miffed and you have every right to. Enjoy the birthday cake that you have made and make sure you keep what's left over😋.