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Soul-mate or sparring partner?

(46 Posts)
grannyactivist Sat 16-Sep-17 14:59:56

Someone asked about soul-mates on another thread and someone else asked about difficulties managing relationships, so I hope this title will give opportunity to discuss both.
I've been married for 31 years and my husband could fairly described as my soul mate. We have never had a row and although discussions can become robust we rarely argue; something our many lodgers frequently comment on. If we have a disagreement then we either come to a place where one of us changes position or we agree to differ. I grew up in a family where frequent rows (and often violence) were the norm and I really couldn't bear to live like that.
Many couples I know row, bicker and argue and yet their relationships seem just as steady as ours is.

Menopaws Wed 20-Sep-17 01:39:20

Picked a goodun , glad we've got to this stage in life together and still laughing, will be so sad when he's gone but I just wish he could tell the difference between a clean dishwasher and a dirty one when he does actually remember to put a plate in it!

M0nica Tue 19-Sep-17 22:07:28

It only takes one slight change in life's progress for us to not meet one person who would be our soul-mate and meet another one who is also our soul-mate.

In other words, I have deep reservations about the whole idea of the one and only. A less reserved geography teacher and I would have gone to a different university to read a different subject and would never have met DH. Who knows who else I would have met with whom I would have fallen in love?

ginny Mon 18-Sep-17 20:56:29

I answer earlier that we are not soul mates in the way I understand the the phrase. Neither do I think DH is my best friend. I have others in the role of friends. He is my husband which in my mind is something very different and special .

MagicWriter2016 Mon 18-Sep-17 20:03:04

Not sure what a soul mate is really. But I do know the thought of living without my hubby fills me with horror! But that said, in a lot of things we are like chalk and cheese, but I would say, we are each other's best mates. But............we do have disagreements, which can get quite heated at times ( usually me ), but as others have said, we either agree to disagree or compromise.

maryhoffman37 Mon 18-Sep-17 18:46:54

Soul mates here. 47 years and counting.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 18-Sep-17 13:18:29

We are soul mates in the sense that we can't do without each other and although two very different people share a lot of common interests. We didn't meet until we were in our mid to late forties, so we both had had other relationships before.

This perhaps explains part of the reason that we are willing and usually able to understand the other's point of view.

We do sometimes have flaming rows, but only about things that are really important and usually once we have both cooled down we manage to reach a solution. Sometimes one of us realizes he/she has been unreasonable and apologises, sometimes we reach a compromise.

Morgana, I think you have a valid point, I too think many marriages falter because it is more difficult being two equal parties than the older view of marriage, where the husband decided in many instances, and if the wife could not change his mind, she just had to put up with his decision. Not that I would want to live like that!

Probably many women put up with unreasonable husbands, because divorce wasn't an option if you could not support yourself. Many men too must have put up with unreasonable wives, after all it wasn't until 1969 in England and Wales and 1970 in Scotland that irretrievable breakdown of a marriage became grounds for a divorce. Before that in Scotland at least, a wife who left her husband could not get custody of their children unless she could prove the man she was divorcing was either insane or morally unfit to rear children. The fact that she left or even worse had committed adultery proved in the eyes of the law that she was not fit to bring up children, especially girls as she was held to have no moral standards!
We do have a lot to be thankful for.

Imperfect27 Mon 18-Sep-17 07:13:51

I have been mulling this over since this thread first appeared. IThe term 'soul-mate' does seem to be applied to the idea of a 'one and only,' I used to think DH1 was my 'soul-mate', but was obviously wrong so I have tended to think this is a romanticism and used to post-rationalise and add/detract value from what is real in a relationship.

I now prefer to think in terms of well- matched and complementary. DH2 is so very different from DH1 they do not bear comparison.

With DH2, I think we share the same values, the same vision and that we are matched in kindness and thoughtfulness which is a very happy thing.

However, I do feel that we sometimes recognise 'an old soul' in people we meet and that some very special friendships in my life have been with people who I just feel I have always known. When I met DH2, I immediately felt 'at home.'

Lilyflower Mon 18-Sep-17 06:11:19

My DH is my soul mate but we argue horribly sometimes and both wish we didn't. I am more rational than he is but he really wants to win so neither ever gives way until we are at a stand still. I watched my father bully and rob my mother and will not be browbeaten by any man. His mother
was dominant and spoiled him into thinking he was the centre of the universe so he wants his own way all the time. It makes for 'interesting times'. That said, we think alike on everything and have the same sense if humour. I would rather hear his take on any subject before anyone else's as it usually comprises what I was thinking or makes me laugh. So far we have made it through forty years.

Linbrikat Sun 17-Sep-17 23:12:53

Funny I've just been discussing the subject of soulmates on another forum, mostly with very young people. I'm quite surprised to find older people here who actually think such a concept exists. What is it supposed to mean? Some of the youngsters think it means the one and only person you're supposed to be with. Bit awkward if you live on opposite sides of the world to each other and are fated to never meet!

Shizam Sun 17-Sep-17 21:50:38

I wish. My best soulmates were my dog and horse. Both now sadly dead. Men have been fairly useless throughout. Do I pick badly, or am I bad at relationships?!

Piggypoo Sun 17-Sep-17 21:03:14

DH and I are soul mates, he grew up in a violent environment, where confrontation and argument was the norm, my family would talk things out and come to agreements, so in that respect he says I've helped him to rationalise things. We do bicker but not about anything serious, we love each other's company, but also have separate interests and friends which is healthy, we seem to be the envy of our siblings, their marriages haven't been as happy as ours, and it's often remarked upon when we are at social occasions, how devoted we seem to be! smile

hulahoop Sun 17-Sep-17 20:43:03

Don't know if soulmate but we shuffle along supporting each other we do have disagreements but not as often as when we first got married I love him to bits he is a great family man he will do for me been married 42yrs next week and I don't regret any of them πŸ‘¨β€β€οΈβ€πŸ’‹β€πŸ‘¨

M0nica Sun 17-Sep-17 19:12:13

Too different to be soulmates, but a team, yes. We have been married for nearly 50 years and I have never regretted it.

W11girl Sun 17-Sep-17 16:54:33

My husband and I rarely row, if we do its over very quickly and we are back to normal. He is my soulmate and we get on really well, as we are total opposites. I'm outgoing, he is definitely not. He is patient, I am not. I feel very lucky to have him...even though he has all the traits of other males such as untidiness, laziness, etc but I overlook these things as he is more important to me than the cushions being plumped when he gets off the sofa!!

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 17-Sep-17 16:45:56

We were soul mates. I was brought up in an argumentative and at times, nasty atmosphere. Dad loved a good argument and Mum was the peacekeeper - she had to be or it would have been permanent warfare. I said that I would never marry anyone like Dad as he could be so unpleasant. Surely the world outside is a place that can sometimes be horrible so that your significant relationship needs to a haven in a storm? That's my view but we're all different.

JaneD3 Sun 17-Sep-17 16:00:11

Soul mate? Definitely
Rows? Not one, in almost 40years.
Best friend, Dad and Grandad.

Bernice123 Sun 17-Sep-17 15:49:36

Ex DH was definitely my soul mate and love of my life. But unfortunately broke my heart after 16 years of marriage. Still hurts all these years later. Sadly do not have the same connection with DH who I've been married to for 10 years. Maybe it's a once in a lifetime experience?

Ellie Anne Sun 17-Sep-17 15:31:25

We very rarely argue but are definitely not soul mates. We have totally different likes and rarely watch tv together as we don't like each other s programmes. We have separate friends and don't go out together. Nor arguing doesn't equate with being happy.

Kateykrunch Sun 17-Sep-17 13:20:20

Sparring partner today, he is driving me bonkers!

mags1234 Sun 17-Sep-17 13:19:35

I'm not sure what would be the best definition of soulmate? I doubt we all mean the same thing.

annifrance Sun 17-Sep-17 12:39:48

Row occasionally, argue quite often, constantly bicker and spar - we call it repartit! We laugh a lot. Agree on lots of things, agree to differ on others. Not sure about a soulmate, we have different interests and some the same. he is quite happy for me to go off and do things he wouldn't enjoy which suits us both. It has become a joke among our friends that he loves it so much here that I can never get him out the valley! But as I have been around the world and around the block I am quite happy with the status quo. He is not controlling, he is my rock and he is totally emotionally dependent on me!! On the whole it's all very good.

ginny Sun 17-Sep-17 10:59:14

Certainly not Soulmates. At least if that means you are both very similar. We have rubbed along happily for over 40 years. Never boring.

Coconut Sun 17-Sep-17 10:53:14

Still not met my soul mate !
1st husband was a mean man and a " controller".
2nd husband was fine till his business went under and he became an alcoholic.
I have amazingly successful kids and grandkids, so I guess no one can have everything !

nellgwin Sun 17-Sep-17 10:44:07

My late husband was my soulmate, if we argued it could become quite volitile but quickly over, my husband had a good aim and when really angry would throw what ever object was near at βœ‹, and straight away row was over with me either laughing because he'd missed me or tears at my favourite cup broken on the floor, funnily he never scored a hit😁
But I loved him because he never put me down always supported me in my career.
It's 27 years since he died and part of me died with him.
Now been married for 6 years to a lovely grumpy old sod and I do love him but God he can be hard work but most probably he finds me hard work at times to.
Soul Mate no .

David1968 Sun 17-Sep-17 10:43:26

Soul mate? Not sure I believe in those, but he's my best friend and I still love and desire him. We do have the the occasional bicker. (Worst arguments have always been in the car!) I kissed a few toads before I found my prince; we've been together 35 years and married for 34. Always enjoy each others company and we never seem to stop talking.