Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Soul-mate or sparring partner?

(45 Posts)
grannyactivist Sat 16-Sep-17 14:59:56

Someone asked about soul-mates on another thread and someone else asked about difficulties managing relationships, so I hope this title will give opportunity to discuss both.
I've been married for 31 years and my husband could fairly described as my soul mate. We have never had a row and although discussions can become robust we rarely argue; something our many lodgers frequently comment on. If we have a disagreement then we either come to a place where one of us changes position or we agree to differ. I grew up in a family where frequent rows (and often violence) were the norm and I really couldn't bear to live like that.
Many couples I know row, bicker and argue and yet their relationships seem just as steady as ours is.

Greyduster Sat 16-Sep-17 15:24:07

To be honest, DH and I rarely row, as such, although you might be forgiven for thinking that after reading some of my recent posts. We have been married 51 years. He is a very calm person, seldom given to raising his voice, but he has never learned how to say a simple "sorry" when he knows he is in the wrong. He just waits for it all to go away, and to be honest, I haven't the mental energy for protracted disagreements these days, so it usually does just that! But we are soul mates - we can't function without each other on any level and wouldn't have it any other way.

kittylester Sat 16-Sep-17 15:24:42

I'd say relationships can be both and not exclusively one or the other.

DH is my soul mate but we had a bit of a spar this morning. grin

It probably won't surprise you to hear that my childhood was filled with argument but DH's was very placid (his father adored his mother and rarely diagreed with her) and I think we live very happily in the middle ground.

Luckygirl Sat 16-Sep-17 15:48:12

Maybe neither! We don't argue much and never have; but he is not really a soulmate either - it has always been an unequal relationship because of his anxiety problems.

paddyann Sat 16-Sep-17 15:50:05

we dont argue but I'm not sure we're soul mates...depends what you mean by it.We have very different tastes in music,books and films,I love history he doesn't ,he's always active I'm not ,we have always had different friends BUT we have very much the same attitude to life and work and our goals and to our children ,neither of us is holiday minded and we love decorating and keeping things up to date in the home ..I love to cook and he loves to eat ..so it works .Thats what matters I think ,not a label

Christinefrance Sat 16-Sep-17 16:33:23

I agree with kittylester relationships can be very mixed. My husband and I agree on lots of things but with others - watch out, I am very fiery although I have mellowed with age.😈

callgirl1 Sat 16-Sep-17 18:59:10

My husband and I were married for just over 53 years before he died, and we argued and rowed for quite a lot of that time, but we still muddled along, and I don`t half miss him now. Soul mates? Not really sure.

NanaandGrampy Sat 16-Sep-17 19:08:43

We've been married 41 years this year. In our youth we were fiery but over the years we've both mellowed. There aren't many things we argue about . There's no need really.we're at a comfortable place.

I don't know about soulmates but the core of our relationship is based on our love of family and having the same core values. We like some of the same things and some very different things . During our married life we've both worked and lived apart for extended periods so we're both quite capable of all the household chores . So no one has set jobs or does everything.

Now in retirement we're together about 80% of the time and that works because it's not been like that for the past 40 years.

I know that I love him more now than I ever have and value his company .Soul mates? Maybe :-)

kittylester Sat 16-Sep-17 19:14:30

I've said, on other similar threads, rhat I consider Dh ate lucky to have grown together over the years. That doesn't always happen despite good intentions.

Morgana Sat 16-Sep-17 19:46:40

On reflection we have lived through a period of great change in terms of the position of women in society. Husbands used to be the breadwinner and the master of the household. Now women expect to be equal partners - quite right too! But is this why so many marriages now falter?

harrigran Sat 16-Sep-17 20:40:27

Soul mate.

NanKate Sat 16-Sep-17 21:16:29

We are totally different soulmates

DH a perfectionist, exact, hard worker, devotes himself to others, can be a pain in the ar**

Me easy going, slapdash, errs towards laziness when it comes to housework, goes out most days for coffee or meet friends.

I wouldn't be without him and the otherway around. Hope/pray for many more years together.

Imperfect27 Sun 17-Sep-17 06:06:05

All I know is that my (second) husband makes me happy and able to be more fully 'me'. It is a 'quiet' contentment - with a thread of passion woven in. That does for me smile.

Gagagran Sun 17-Sep-17 09:27:50

We have been married for 52 years and he still makes me laugh. That helps me put up with his contrariness. (He likes to take an opposing view to everything I say and that gets very wearing). But he is my rock and is a brilliant Father and Grandfather and has always supported my career and need to be involved in activities out of the home. I would not swap him - but soul mates? Don't think that would be a description I would use.

maddy629 Sun 17-Sep-17 09:32:15

My husband is my soul mate and I love him very much but we do argue, life would be boring otherwise. We celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary in November, so I don't think it has done any harm to our relationship.

Caro1954 Sun 17-Sep-17 09:39:10

Not soulmates, sadly. There's a lot of banter but few rows. We're very different but as some have said, we agree on the big things.

sluttygran Sun 17-Sep-17 09:41:36

People who find soul mates are lucky. I have given up on committed relationships, although I have a valued 'plus one' who can be relied upon for social events.
I tried being married - twice - but I seem to attract controlling bullies, and a spell in a women's refuge disillusioned me for good! Congrats and best wishes to those who have been fortunate, tho' - I envy and admire you.

Mumsyface Sun 17-Sep-17 09:51:46

Well yes, 27 years and we are both soul mates and sparring partners. Best friends and playmates too. We argue a fair amount I suppose, but that's because we are both strong minded individuals and independent thinkers who try to respect each other's right to hold opinions. Didn't someobody say that the definition of a perfect marriage is "two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other"?

grandMattie Sun 17-Sep-17 09:54:00

Don't know. DH and I will have been married for 40 years next months.
We occasionally bicker, but like the OP, the shouting and tears involved in my parents' marriage scarred me for life. I usually give in without a fuss if it is unimportant, stand my ground if it is. We reach a compromise without any verbal fireworks.

Legs55 Sun 17-Sep-17 10:11:52

My DD described my late (3rd) DH as "the love of my life". He was my soul mate, very even tempered but would stand his ground when necessary.

We didn't really argue as both of us had that in our previous marriages, yes we bickered at times but never blazing rows.

After more than 4 years widowed I still miss him but am also content in my own life. I consider myself lucky to have met him & been very much loved.

David1968 Sun 17-Sep-17 10:43:26

Soul mate? Not sure I believe in those, but he's my best friend and I still love and desire him. We do have the the occasional bicker. (Worst arguments have always been in the car!) I kissed a few toads before I found my prince; we've been together 35 years and married for 34. Always enjoy each others company and we never seem to stop talking.

nellgwin Sun 17-Sep-17 10:44:07

My late husband was my soulmate, if we argued it could become quite volitile but quickly over, my husband had a good aim and when really angry would throw what ever object was near at ✋, and straight away row was over with me either laughing because he'd missed me or tears at my favourite cup broken on the floor, funnily he never scored a hit😁
But I loved him because he never put me down always supported me in my career.
It's 27 years since he died and part of me died with him.
Now been married for 6 years to a lovely grumpy old sod and I do love him but God he can be hard work but most probably he finds me hard work at times to.
Soul Mate no .

Coconut Sun 17-Sep-17 10:53:14

Still not met my soul mate !
1st husband was a mean man and a " controller".
2nd husband was fine till his business went under and he became an alcoholic.
I have amazingly successful kids and grandkids, so I guess no one can have everything !

ginny Sun 17-Sep-17 10:59:14

Certainly not Soulmates. At least if that means you are both very similar. We have rubbed along happily for over 40 years. Never boring.

annifrance Sun 17-Sep-17 12:39:48

Row occasionally, argue quite often, constantly bicker and spar - we call it repartit! We laugh a lot. Agree on lots of things, agree to differ on others. Not sure about a soulmate, we have different interests and some the same. he is quite happy for me to go off and do things he wouldn't enjoy which suits us both. It has become a joke among our friends that he loves it so much here that I can never get him out the valley! But as I have been around the world and around the block I am quite happy with the status quo. He is not controlling, he is my rock and he is totally emotionally dependent on me!! On the whole it's all very good.