Visiting a dying friend

Lots of good suggestions already, I agree with others be yourself , tell her that she can say what ever she likes to you,which includes letting you know if she wants to talk about it or if she would prefer it if you did not.

Let her talk if she wants to. Be a very, very good listener.

DeeWBW, I also worked as a counsellor in a Marie Curie hospice, and I met many people who really wanted to talk to someone about their fears, or just to have a laugh with friends. This didn't happen because visitors felt they had to reassure their friend that they would get better.There were many people who visited patients who only talked about how quickly a cure was going to be found, while it might have been better to let their friend take the lead.

As has been said before, just be yourself, your friend will appreciate that I am sure, if you are usually a jolly person be that too. I am sure things will be better than you anticipate, good luck.

I just travelled to visit my friend - she's only 38 and I don't think I'll see her again. (I'm name changing her for this part).

She looks incredibly unwell but not once did I say "how are you getting on? How are you feeling since stopping your treatment?" I didn't want her to feel I was visiting her cancer, I was visiting Jayne and I treated Jayne just as I always have - even gently taking the mickey as we always have. It wasn't an elephant in the room - we both knew this was probably the last time we'd see each other. I didn't want her to remember me as a sympathetic head-tilter.

I cried in the hotel afterwards.

Nonnie and Alygran

*Alygran.

Just be yourself OP.

DS' best friend had a brain tumour and we all knew that he didn't have much time left, but he regularly came to stay overnight until a couple of weeks before the end. We miss him dreadfully still, but at least we ensured that we treated him exactly as we always had, laughing. joking, teasing him and he appreciated the fact that we all enjoyed our last days with him all the more.

I am a qualified counsellor and I used to work as such in a hospice. The thing about someone dying is exactly this – what do you talk about? The thing is the person who is dying doesn’t want the subject to be avoided. If it is avoided, conversation becomes hugely difficult. You know why you are there and so does the person you are visiting. Maybe say,” I really don’t know what to say, (Mary).” It’s a good opener and allows the ‘ill’ person to steer the conversation at the beginning. Remember the person is your friend. They will welcome the closeness brought by honesty. Your visit will then be meaningful, instead of distant and uncomfortable.

My friend who had terminal cancer phoned a number of friends on a day she was feeling better and invited us to tea. It was pouring with rain but I realised as I walked to her house I was the lucky one who was able walk and feel well. It was the last time we all met up as friends together. We chatted and laughed as we always did, it was an afternoon to remember.

Just treat your friend as you normally would and be guided by her.

My friend died of bone cancer Boxing Day 2015. I supported her a lot via text because we lived other side of town from her. Went to hospital appointments. Met for coffee or lunch. It never occurred to me to treat her any different. She never asked to be treated differently.

The important thing was she knew I was there for her. Always available 24/7. All she had to do was phone. She never did but she appreciated the fact I would drop anything for her. Even before the cancer. Too many people treated her as a delicate thing, and made allowance for her being terminal. Normal is what made the difference. I will miss her for the rest of my life.

I think the advice to be yourself is spot on. My dear late husband said that he didn't want us all to be walking on eggshells just because of his diagnosis. It was a tough road but we weren't alone. Just being with friends is a great support and I'm sure you'll be a comfort despite your worries.

It's probably wisest to take the lead from your friend and let her do the talking; I wish I had with my dear friend who died a couple of years ago, and in trying to be 'bright' and cheer her up I think I babbled too much. I told her that I loved her, and we parted with a kiss. I will never forget the sight of her as I turned to wave goodbye - she was looking at me, and her expression was unfathomable. She died a few days later. That last sight of her has stayed with me and I wish I had been able to say something that mattered.
I wish you a peaceful time with your dear friend and I'm sure your visit will mean a lot and be a comfort.

Behave as your emotion dictates at the time. You may find you can't stop yourself from being emotional even though you plan for that not to happen. Your lifelong friend will understand. Celebrate your friendship and thank her for it.

Nannarose - I was wondering whether OP might take photographs to remind them both of all they've shared over the years. Poems too, in her last few years a dear relative loved to join in with those she remembered from her schooldays.
OP I think your doubts about how to be will melt away once you are actually with your dear friend. ?

If you have memorabilia or photos, take them to help talk about shared memories.
Ina slightly different situation, I read a favourite book to a dying friend, and I have read poems that recall memories.
I am not musical, but my mother was helped by a young friend who sang favourite songs.

Of course, our suggestions may not be right for you & your friend - only you know. Champagne is often tolerated by those who can tolerate little else, and a few sips are unlikely to upset any medication at this stage (but of course you would check). A 1/4 or 1/2 bottle to share and toast your friendship might be just the thing.

Tears are streaming down my face as I write this, as I have done this 3 times now, for friends who have died too soon - I say 'thank you' for all you have meant to me, for all you have done, for all we have shared.

If you can, check the burden of your own grief at the door. Your friend will expect you to cry, but she will do best if you can keep to what has been good, and what you will carry into the future.

And very kind to stay in a B&B so you are not 'in the way'.

Alygran

Good advice from Gransnetters on this thread!

Take you lead from your friend & above all be yourself.

My DH was in a Nursing Home for the last few weeks of his life. He knew I visited but made little effort to interact with me. It was a different story when friends visited, he made huge efforts & loved their visits.

I am glad some-one mentioned the H, he will need comfort from you as well & may need to talk or just need a hug. I hope all goes well, I'm sure you've lots of shared memories

Everyone is different. My dad didn't want anyone to know, even though it was obvious and he didn't want to talk about it. Others do. Why not give your friend a huge hug, and ask her if she wants to talk about it or not ?

Be you. The friend you have always been. A friend of mine who died recently was up front when he found out he was terminally ill. He wanted those around him to enable him to enjoy every day. He had some real joy in the last months of his life, and got every last scrap of fun out of life. He had sad and reflective moments too, but was more interested in the fun. His story of going around undertakers, 'shopping around' and haggling over his own funeral makes me smile still. He also wanted us to remember him as the irreverent old reprobate that he was, not as an 'illness on legs' (his words). Go to see your friend, laugh, cry, be silly (nothing like a bit of childish frivolity to make a day shine) and store up the good memories. We can grieve with tears, but as my mate said, 'I want people to remember me and smile'. And we do.

This thread has been very helpful to me as I'm treading a similar path myself. Thank you ladies and chin chin to all those who have recently suffered bereavement or have knowledge of its imminence somewhere. I keep hearing we don't discuss this dying topic enough but.....who wants to? Certainly not me. Not from fear. Just think there are more interesting things going on.

Alygran
I am so sorry and I well understand that sick empty feeling. I hope you can adjust and just remember all the things you have shared over the years.
My DH was in Intensive Care two weeks ago and I really thought it was the end. I held it together while I was with him but just collapsed when I left. I don't know what the ICU nurses are paid but it could never, ever, be enough. I really thought I would lose him. He is home now, weak and unable to do much but your post has brought it all back.
At our age we all know that the parting will come sooner rather than later but it is so painful.

I'm sure your friend would want you to behave as you would, no tiptoeing around.
If there are times during your stay she needs to be alone and rest there are some beautiful places in Scotland you can see and maybe do some thinking (or crying or screaming) depending how remote you are and how you're feeling. It really is ok for you to be sad too ?
Alygran I'm sending you a hug ?

Yes, I can only agree. A good friend died last year and our last visit to him involved general chat, humour and a few traded gentle insults, all very, very 'normal'. He slept a little, we chatted to his wife and between ourselves. It didn't matter. Be yourself, trust your instincts and above all don't worry about your visit, your friend and her husband will be so appreciative of your time. It is hard, be brave it will be a good enough visit for you all.

I'm very sorry for your loss Alygran.

I think what you said about friends just calling and chatting is very wise. A week before he died my husband had a great time with a friend watching rugby and hurling insults at the French team! It was a relief to just spend a normal Saturday afternoon.

I hope it is a good visit for both of you, Sheila63