An upset grandson

I feel it's his parents who should reassure him. With you assuring him you are coming back. His life is still going to be busy. Might be good to ask him what he is so worried about. It might be good not to be so reliant on you and more on himself. In a gentle way of course.

I agree. Just get on and go and enjoy yourselves. It isn't for that long, and the break will do you both good. Children are very resilient and I'm sure your grandson will be fine.

Although there was no holiday or huge disruption involved my DGS at 9 exhibited similar behaviour, total meltdowns, being horrible to his wee sister, running away (not far he only hid round the corner of the street, not realising that his Dad could see him there from the back garden), also bed wetting but that seemed to be so that he could crawl into his Mum's bed for the rest of the night. He had been told that at 9 he was too old to be sharing his Mum's or Sister's bed. Oldest and tallest by a mile in his P5 class, school rules dictated that he must be collected from school, whereas he was considered old enough to take himself to and from the Cubs.

His DM and DF took him for long walks/talks and he eventually was able to articulate his problems. He said I DON'T KNOW WHO I AM, OR WHERE I FIT IN.

Now at 10.5 he has 'found himself'. Has moved up from Cubs to Scouts, been promoted from the training orchestra to become the youngest player in the full Youth Orchestra - they needed him because he is the only Bassoonist - and ran a hilarious campaign for election (with his wee sister as his election agent) as the House Captain at school, was beaten by a P7 pupil but intends to have another go next year. His athleticism has always been a problem - I've never seen anyone put as much energy and effort into running without actually making any progress forwards - but he has now discovered that he has STAMINA and is really quite good at Cross Country.

Sorry this is so long, just wanted to illustrate that 9 can be a difficult age too - neither wee cuddly boy nor tweenager.

Poor Danae, bet you wish you'd never posted on here!
Parenting (and grandparenting) is such a delicate balancing act.
Like most answers here, if its only for a few weeks you'll find a way to reassure him. Listen to your heart. You wont be having a great time away if you know he's incredibly upset now will you.
Good luck

A child of nine ought to be able to cope with you being away for a month or so; so are you sure the bed-wetting is only caused by the thought of not being with you and his granddad?

I would have a word with his school teachers; explain about your journey and ask whether there is anything going on at school that could be upsetting him.

Unhappily, even the best teachers don't always know if there is bullying or unpleasant teasing going on, but by asking the question, you may be pointing them in the right direction, even if they answer your original query with a resounding no.

Next on my list would be whether your grandson has started drinking too many fluids just before bedtime? Or started sleeping more soundly, so he doesn't wake when his bladder says it needs relief? As a child I vividly remember dreaming I had woken and gone to the toilet only to wake up in a wet bed. Perhaps the same thing is happening to him?

If the answer to these three questions is no, then perhaps a word with your family doctor is indicated. Boys and men do get chills on their bladders or kidneys too, even if we do tend to regard it as a female complaint!

Is your GS peeing more during the day than before, or forgetting to go, so that the bed-wetting is part of a change in his habits?

I agree that bed-wetting does tend to be a sign of stress or worry, but there could be a physical reason.

Please try not to be too hurt by those who have jumped down your throat because you and your husband are going away, on what I am sure, is a well-deserved trip.

One final thought, make a calendar, either on paper or on the computer for your grand-son with the date you are coming home written in in LARGE LETTERS, so he can cross off all the days between when you leave and when you get back at bedtime every day.

Forgot to say, do let us know how you all three get on

As I have said before and will say again....if the people who are asking for advice could give more information in the first instance even if it makes their question quite long initially the replies given by others would be more to the point. We are not mind-readers and can only offer advice as we see it to the question posed. As for a child's perception of time....yes children can tell the time by this age....however if you if you are a child with anxiety issues as this little lad appears to have ...then no matter how good you are at telling the time .....it can seem like an eternity.

I have no idea how you could do this to him - you're his parents in effect so why not take your extended holiday over the summer school holiday and take him with you - his behavioural changes are symptomatic of his feeling of being out of control and isolated - poor kid, everything around him seems to disintegrate - you are supposed to be his rock

Its fine for children to cope with things they find upsetting. Its excellent grounding for when they're grown up.

Danae, Go on your holiday, have a wonderful time and make arrangements to Skype your
Grandson.
You do so much for him and you are very kind and caring. I cannot believe the comments here suggesting you should not go.
You are a GrandMother not a parent, do everything you can do for the child to keep him happy and reassured, but make sure you enjoy yourself.
It's the parents that should be ashamed and feeling guilty, a child that age should not be feeling like this.

I have to say, that if there is nothing seriously wrong at home for him, then it might have been a good idea to have reduced the amount of time he spent with you gradually so that when you did finally want a break without him he would have built up more of a feeling of belonging with his dad and wouldn't be left feeling quite so much as if his usual home was about to vanish for however long (did you even say how long was "extended"?) You have encouraged him to maintain an emotional dependency on you that might now be turning to bite everyone on the backside.

His concept of the length of time you will be away might be poor. To him it might seem an eternity.

Perhaps show him the exact number of days on a nice big calendar and mark the times when you will be skyping him.

danae, amongst all the furore that your post seems to have stirred up might I make the suggestion that you emphasise how much YOU are going to miss HIM whilst you're away and pressure him to keep in touch. Although not the same situation, I've never forgotten how cross upset our youngest DD (aged 15) was when we weren't able to take her on a prize holiday to Barbados (our first foreign trip ever).

Personally I think you sound like fantastic grandparents, your GS is a lucky boy, he'll have lovely memories when he's an adult, go on your holiday and have a fantastic time, he'll still be here when you get back, please don't worry about any criticism from posters here take the good advice of using maps and cards , he'll survive

Under a month isn't really an extended holiday though which is all you said initially and frankly your second post gives an entirely different impression than your first. If you described it as an extended time to the child, it could explain his reaction.
If you had just said a holiday, the comments would not have been the same.
He needs to be clear about where he will be staying exactly how long you are away (and emphasise that it is a short time). As others have said, give him a calendar with the return date marked off and keep in contact but be light about it and he will pick that up from you.

Are you sure he's upset by your holiday - perhaps something else has happened at school or in either of the other two families?
I'm guessing you may be getting to the age of thinking unless we have a 'gap year' or something we'll be too old.
You've done well with the boy so far but actually, he is the responsibility of his parents and they should both look after him and reassure him. Many parents work long hours but they still raise children successfully between them.

I can recall reading somewhere that if a child is going away and worried to tell them that they can have a good time but they have to come back after a week, two or whatever the time is.
Could something like this work for your grandson? Say how long you're away for and even though you're having s nice time you WILL be back on such and such a date,whatever happens.
All he can see at the moment is you going away,There's no focus on when you'll be back.

Bravo to you and dh, danae, for all you do for gs and giving him the stability that he needs! Unfortunately, for him, that's what is being threatened by the thought of your going away. How can he be sure his parents will get him to and from school and activities, etc. when they've never done it before? I understand gps needing a holiday and dh's wish to spend time with other family. But this must be very scary for gs.

That said, I agree with those who say that it's his parents who need to reassure him. They have to let him know that they'll be there for him and do things on time, etc. Can they do that and mean it? I hope so.

If it were me, I'd let dh go and stay home. But since you're going, I hope you have fun and that all goes well at home, too. It's really up to the parents and stepparents this time.

I totally agree Jaycee I was expecting an extended holiday to be 3 to 6 months I too wish we got more information in the original post it makes it so much easier
I think you have given two big clues in your second post Danae 'Neither set of parents put him first' and 'he's an emotional child '
He sounds as if he's a little boy in a fair bit of turmoil emotionally, with you as his only stability I think you need to talk to both sets of parents ( and how will they manage with all the out of school stuff for three weeks) I also think you need to talk very positively to him telling him how short it is and how quickly it will go Positive affirmations give him a calendar to mark the days off like an advent calendar type or make one.... postcards are a nice idea but you ll probable be nearly back before they arrive
Lastly expect tears when you skyp him I hope it doesn't spoil your holiday as you may hear lots of messages about how unhappy he is
I would imagine his parents break up and their added disinterest has affected him a lot, poor chap

We have much the same situation with 2 of our GC but without the divorce. Their main concerns when we are going away are:
When will we be back? Calendar with dates on to cross off until return date.
Who will pick us up/take us to school? Parents and grandparents reassure that they will be at after school club and picked up by Mum or Dad, routine on the noticeboard AND copy sent into school.
Who will have us in the holidays? Either we will be back or they are away with their parents.
Mostly what children hate is uncertainty. (Children in school often cry on the day when they don’t know who’s picking them up.)
Our GC Facetime us from home whether we’re away or not so they’re used to it and it’s no big thing.
I hope you enjoy your holiday and your grandson is OK. He will still have the continuity of routine in school. It’s just possible that he will be more relaxed when you have actually gone. Sometimes separation anxiety is worse before separation than when it actually happens.

There are a lot of really good suggestions on here. I like the idea of a map tracking where you are. Perhaps bringing a memento e.g.. postcard from each place for his map would be a way of him looking forward to your return (you could bring them home with you if post is too long). Also text and Skype or FaceTime. Also the idea of making some plans for when you are away - maybe one a week - even a trip to seaside/woods with Mum or Dad - needn't be expensive. And the calendar also sounds brilliant. I guess he might be thinking you won't come back if he is so insecure. Enjoy your holiday x

I am glad that you have clarified danae - I thought you must be off touring for 3months at the very least!
You have to balance elderly relatives- by the time you feel able to leave the child they may be dead!
It may be good all round. It will be a wake up call for the parents - at the moment you are doing it all so they need not bother.
It will also be good for your grandson to know that people can go away and they will come back- and love doesn't suffer if you happen to be on holiday for a few weeks.
You can make him feel very special and exciting.
You have limited time for that sort of travel - your grandson has years of opportunity ahead.
Since you are taking him in the foreseeable future you can treat it as a fact finding trip- put it to him that it will be more interesting for him if you have discovered the fun places to take him.

I know that I would rather have fun grandparents who involve me in their adventures rather than one who won't even take an exciting work trip because they don't want to be separated. A bit worrying to have adults who want to live through you.

Sorry but I disagree with the fact that you are making her feel bad I have grandchildren who I would love to see regularly but not bring up , I think she needs this holiday and where are the parents in all this why should Danae be held responsible for the parents mistakes? I work with children and see things from both sides but parents need to be more responsible and stop replying on grandparents to pick up the pieces!!!

Danae , you sound a lovely caring Gran , as if you're doing all you can for this little boy .
You deserve a break , and hopefully the bairn will settle when he realises you are coming back and will be in contact throughout .
Could he be more upset because he doesn't want to stay with his parents without the cushion of love you afford him . Perhaps a day to day diary , with him being allowed to mark off places he would like to visit when you take him in 2019