An upset grandson

Nine years old and none of his parents put him first.
No wonder he is upset, a month is a long time for a child.
It's all arranged, so you have to go, but I wouldn't have done so.

You never know, whilst you're away, he and his parents may get used to the new routine - parents picking him up from school, helping him with homework - normal parent-child life. Perhaps when you get back you shouldn't automatically go back to the old routine - maybe just have him a couple of days after school. How will he ever integrate into family life if this system continues?

I haven't read all the replies although I can see that some are pretty damning! I think your Skype idea is good-and at nine years old, I think once a week is about right. As much as you love him, he isn't your son, so this is a time for his parents to rally round and really support him. I would talk about it-don't leave it as something unspoken-so he gets chance to say what he feels-preferably in the company of a parent. Also, maybe earmark something a little special for when you get back so he gets a sense of the time passing and you coming home again. Although he is clearly upset now, I think he will settle down, as long as his parents provide some stability and security for him during the month. This is more about them than you, I feel. You deserve a holiday I'm sure, and so I'd go..enjoy it...and who knows, some good may come out of the developments that occur between him and his parents whilst you're away.

My daughter virtually lived with my Mum when she was young because I was studying at Uni, working 3 jobs and my DM would always get her started on something fun just before I arrived so DD was reluctant to go home. To be honest, I loved my daughter more than anything in the world but sometimes it was easier to take the path of least resistance so from afar it might have looked like I didn't put her first. When my DD was 4, my DM announced she was moving to Mexico for a year. My DD was devastated and sobbed loads and displayed similar signs of distress as your DGS. Frankly, I wondered how I would manage too but recognised my DM had to join my DSF. My DM wavered about going but I encouraged her to be with him. Within a week or two my daughter realised that the sky wasn't going to fall in and settled down. When my DM returned, things resumed as normal but I had finished Uni, was working full-time and my DD was at school, so I had more time so the time spent with my DM was somewhat reduced.
I am so glad my DM went though because my DSF died a year after they returned from Mexico and if she hadn't have gone, my DM wouldn't have had those wonderful memories with him, saved a baby who was fitting and received medical help for something the NHS had missed. Go danae give yourself a break, your DGS a chance to experience handling distance between you and enjoy your time when you get back to him.

There are some judgemental posts here, I do hope Danae isn't wishing she'd never asked for suggestions on how to handle the distress her grandson is currently showing. The tragedy for this little boy is that neither of his parents put him first. Neither of them seem to want to "integrate" as someone put it, him into their new families. No wonder he's showing insecurities.
I hope some of the positive suggestions here are helpful and that you enjoy your holiday, a well deserved break. So many grandparents are in a full time parental role, it isn't easy or straightforward. I hope the OP doesn't have some of the critical and judgemental comments made here going round and round in her head. Most of us are better at hearing our own critical voice than the positive one, even when we haven't been on the receiving end of criticism.

We can only comment on this, as the situation seems to us we are not here to offer unconditional support , as say, a health thread may be.
Only the OP knows the true situation and has to make a call on what to do.As it is, the call has already been made, and presumably the OP would like us all to agree with her.I can't.

I really feel that the negative comments are really unkind. The grandparents do so much for this child and deserve a break and its really not for that long. There are some excellent suggestions here about crossing off days, schedules, maps , pictures etc and its really so much easier to communicate from a distance these days with texts, emails, photos, skyping or facetime etc . I'd keep in regular touch, promise you'll return (with a present?) and make sure the parents know to be sensitive and make a fuss of him while you are away. As others have said, he may well benefit in the long run.

Very difficult situation for you we have brought up our gd. She is now 16 nearly 17.
She has been through an awful lot over the years. She has mental health issues but gets help.
I could not have left Her at any time only with my d her Aunt. They are very close.
I am not going to say what you should do only that if and when he gets older the stability he deserves will help him to grow and mature.

It would be so easy to get wrapped up in guilt and cancel your holiday but you really mustn't. You are entitled to live your lives too. You are aware of how distraught he is and in many ways that is a good thing because you can put some contingency plans into place before you go. You must give him lots of reassurance but don't let him pick up on any anxiety you may be feeling over this trip. Keep talking to him, try to get his parents involved and ask him what HE feels you could do to help him through this difficult period. Can you WhatsApp each other, is that an option at all? Are things okish for him at home apart from the borderline neglect? Could there be any chance that he is being bullied by anyone in his new families? I know this is not an easy time for you and he will cry when you go but I really hope you get to have a super holiday! By goodness, you've earn it.

I read about a mum who had devised a simple idea when her son was nervous at school and I thought it was lovely she drew a small felt tip heart on the inside of her hand and one on her son's hand and she told him whenever he felt lonely or sad to press the heart and she would do the same every time she thought of him
The other thing I was thinking depending of course on how soon you are going but could you get your lad to help you organise the trip, look up places for you to visit on the internet, do you have photos of the place you're staying or the people you're staying with to familiarise him involve him in the flight details what about flight tracker ?
You havent given much clues about his home life apart from they both work long hours and aren't interested in him I m presuming he has half siblings ...are the step parents ok with him or is he bullied or put down by them, ignoring him is a severe form of rejection and can damage for life

Go and have a great holiday it's a short time just under a month and it with be nice to see your family there.
I do hope that some of the people on here haven't already ruined your holiday for you ?

I've been thinking about this little boys parents. danae is it possible your grandson has heard negative comments from his parents about your trip? Things indicating they won't cope? If he has of course their negativity has been added to his own, normal, fears. Can I add to the very sensible management strategies offered to you a thought that a straight talking conversation with your grandsons parents is needed. Find out what they have said to him, involve them in making the strategies you decide to implement a reality, tell them what is expected of them as adults. Reassure your grandson that you will be back and then come back when he expects you to. Your situation is an impossible one, I wouldn't criticise you for a second, you are caught between the generations and your husband's wishes. I'm not sure what your own wishes are, I suspect you aren't used to considering them. With a clear strategy everyone will cope, you will be back soon and may find you are needed less, which can only be a good thing.

We are in A very similar situation with our dgs aged 8. We have been caring for him since he was a few months old. When his parents marriage failed my dd and he came to live with us and were here for 5 years. Although he and his mum now have their own home (very nearby) we still do the school runs, give him his dinner etc. Due to his mum's very demanding job. He is very attached to us and there is no way we would consider leaving him for even a week long holiday!! We knew what we were doing when we committed ourselves to him and wouldn't dream of abandoning him. Children need stability and these days with parents under so much pressure to work long hours our role as grandparents can be crucial. I am a grandma, it's my job, no holidays for us unless he comes too. I'm with you Merlotgran

Everyone is different.

Oh, really, talk of 'abandoning him' is preposterous.

I think that the parents should step in and maybe take their annual leave to care for the child. They are the problem not the OP. Enough of the criticism. Poor woman needs support not to feel even worse than she does. In my humble and not very popular opinion why have children and leave someone else to bring it up.

Its my opinion too.

Great idea, Flowerofthewest.

Also, can the parents start to take responsibility for the after-school clubs etc now, before you go away?
That would help to reassure your DGS that they will actually cope with what needs to be done.

The OP asked for advice but without giving the full facts.

An extended holiday could mean a trip around the world in a campervan whereas a trip to Australia lasting under a month is no big deal these days.

We are then told that the boy is an emotional child who needs support and is used to going on holiday with them so it's odd that so many posters are adopting the 'negative, unkind comments' line just because some of us are trying to see things from the child's point of view and not the OP's.

Of course we must take into account a child's POV but it isn't the be-all-and-end-all. Looking at life from their POV might mean that many children would eat sweets all the time, not go to bed until midnight and spend all day on screens.

The facts that we know are that the holiday is booked, it's for less than a month and hardly a self-indulgent jolly, given that elderly relatives are involved.

Therefore I think it's better to concentrate on helping the OP do what she can to manage her GC's anxiety and also to get his parents to take ultimate responsibility for him.

I agree. They sound as though they've been wonderfully supportive. They may need this break in order to continue with their parental roles in the future.

The facts that we know are that the holiday is booked, it's for less than a month and hardly a self-indulgent jolly, given that elderly relatives are involved.

Exactly! So why was it necessary to leave these facts out of the OP.

We're not mind readers.

Go and don't feel guilty. You sound brilliant grandparents and deserve this holiday and not this criticism. 4 weeks will fly. Skype will help and hopefully it will make his parents think. Enjoy x

I actually think that much of the criticism on here is quite justified. There are six adults and an unhappy little boy ( for whatever reason) The six of them should sit down and sort out what this child deserves and is in his best interests. This isn't just about a holiday - the whole arrangement needs re-evaluating with the child's best interests put first. I'm sorry OP but whilst you carry on helping out as you do, you are letting the four parents off the hook and allowing them to treat their child/step child as a bit of a nuisance to be fobbed off. He deserves better, bless him

We can look at the child's POV and decide if it's reasonable for him to be upset and what can be done about it.

In the circumstances, I think it is reasonable for him to be upset and ALL the adults involved need to do their utmost to reassure him and help him deal with it.
(The parents can do this by prioritising his needs for a change.)