Troubled Grandson

Just a thought- do you and your daughter have a great family likeness.
One of my children used to cry every time he saw his uncle (husband's brother) I though it was because he was confused by someone who looked very like his father but wasn't his father. It was a phase and when he got slightly older he was fine.
I would ignore when you visit and let him come to you. I remember as a child hating being made a great fuss of by relations and preferred the ones who just treated you as if they had seen you a few hours ago.

Nann1 I think, as others have said, GS' behaviour could be a 'blip.' but painful for you. I see my GA once a month on average and he is 21 months old. He does seem to be a little shy by nature and even though he now remembers his ' NanniO' he needs time to warm up to me each time. This always makes me sad inside, but once he has got through the initial shyness, I feel he quickly becomes affectionate and seems very relaxed and somehow familiar with me very quickly. HOWEVER, he does not like being left with me. He was fine when he was younger, but in recent times he has become quite distressed if I have offered to take him out on my own / if mum or dad go out of sight for any length of time.

I tend to think your GS may just find it difficult to be out of the safety of the home routine with you when you visit.

I have a son who is on the autistic spectrum. The early signs - at toddler -hood were lack of eye contact, walking on tip-toe, being very 'regimented' in play, e.g. particular about lining up toys and being very repetitive in his play patterns, and not coping in any busy social situations. If GS' nursery have not picked anything up and parents are not concerned, it may be just a developmental stage / phase.

He only sees you once a month. And also he is with a childminder and goes to nursery. Poor little lad, he is expected to greet you with hugs and kisses. He may be a bit miffed that you are taking away his time with his mother.
Take a little toy rather than sweets and just give him quiet attention on his terms.

My late mother in law could be very difficult - that's putting it mildly and although fond of our two DDs and two GDs she didn't relate to them by entertaining them. When she came here one day for a meal GD2 was here, aged probably about 3, no older than that. GD2 was sitting on the floor when m-in-l came in and sat down on a chair. GD2 closed her eyes and sat there with closed eyes so she couldn't see her. We actually thought it was funny. GD2 is absolutely normal.

My grand-daughter was just the same - would never speak to us & would hide when we arrived. She's now 5 & is much improved but we still have the 'silent treatment' when we first see her again ?

Is this just with you or with others as well?

When my GD was a baby she went through a stage of crying every time I went near her. We put it down to myself and my daughter looking very similar and perhaps that confused her. She just grew out of it after a few months. We don't know what goes on in their heads when they are very young.

There you go Nanal.....have a shave ???

One of my son's used to scream and cry at the sight of a man with a moustache or beard. Was fine when the offender shaved. There could be a simple explanation.

There are other things to look for
Is he interacting with friends and playing well.... ( sounds like he is from poster info)
Does he speak?
Is he potty trained?
Does he look at books and play with toys either with mum or dad or childminder ?
Does he show interest in things around him ?
The main thing to remember is you only see him once a month you are really a stranger his parents don't seem worried his nursery don't seem worried and his child minder isn't worried and they see him every day
It must feel really disappointing to you after travelling 100 miles to see him I m sure I remember mine getting very clingy around 3 years old

I have two GC whom I treat equally (of course) and meet reasonably often. One rushes towards me with a gusto greeting whilst the other is usually totally reticent and withdrawn. I have asked her Mum to stop remonstrating with her about being polite and in due course she is fine with me but only at her own pace and I'm decidedly OK with that. Confess to not understanding it and wishing it wasn't the case but, as many have said here, they're all just little different individuals and I respect that. Just glad to have them, quirky or otherwise.

Some kids can't handle being with 2 adults/authority figures at once, so that may be a factor.

Having read the other posts and thought about this some more... I don't see any harm in his parents getting him checked out, so that, yes, if he is on the spectrum, he can begin to get help. But I wouldn't assume that's the case. And, of course, it's up to the parents, not the gran.

If he plays with friends then it isn't so likely that he is on autism spectrum. But perhaps he would benefit from seeing a. Specialist ? I think, as a treachery of people with autism, that another six months of waiting and observation would be my first step, but I'd ask my gp if there is anyone child could see then.

I was very interested to read this Nanna1, thanks for posting. This sounds exactly like my DGS, only 20mths old but now quite distressed when he sees us or any family members. He covers his eyes and cries bitterly refusing to look at us, awful to watch the poor little chap in so much distress. I posted a few weeks ago on the same subject and got so much help and supoort from Gransnet. Im trying to keep positive for everyone's sake, not least the parents who suspect nothing. He is cared for by a regd nanny who comes to the house and she has noticed his anxiety around others. DGS also has no speech beyond Mamma, but is in a bilingual environment. Hoping all your fears are little ones Nanna1 !

Good posts Anya and Maddyone
Nobody, including nursery staff, teachers GP will want to talk about problems with autism, but a good GP should refer the child for autism asessment at a hospital.Diagnosis isn't handed out easily or wrongly, but the earlier it is diagnosed the better for the right school to be chosen.

I think you have enough experience to know when to be worried so do not ignore it. If he has autism the sooner it is diagnosed and he get appropriate help the better.

I have a young relative who was diagnosed before the age of 3 and now, at 5 is at a special school getting the best possible care. Obviously not all children need specialist education but it is better to know and deal with it than try to pretend it is not there.

The nursery thing wouldn't bother me though. GS is 3 and cries dramatically every time DS drops him at nursery and is fine the moment he leaves. It is just what he does, probably out of habit now.

I don't really like this word labelling, I had some experience of autism when I was teaching, and there is a huge resistance to actually diagnosing autism in young children, even with Health Visitors and other health professionals. Anya is correct, the sooner it is diagnosed, the sooner strategies can be put into place to support the child and family. We should be aware that autism has a large spectrum, with very mildly affected people to severely affected people. It very well may be that he's just very shy with adults, and based on my own experience that sounds likely, but I'm not a doctor, autism is only ever diagnosed by a pediatrician, and so if his parents are concerned they may wish to speak to their GP to organise an assessment. Don't sorry about people saying you're labelling him, you're expressing a concern and only a pediatrician can diagnose him.

Awww thank you all so much for your comments. It's reassuring hearing your stories. I hope it's just a time thingy.

If the nursery aren't worried then he must settle with them.

I suspect he will grow out of it he is very young.

One of mine, resorted to wearing his ski jacket in class, zipped up so he appeared to be a boy without a head, his small country school allowed this until he had recovered from a dreadful emotional shock he'd had and felt ble to emerge from his jacket. He was 11.

Give him time.

You can try various strategies without labelling him with a 'diagnosis'. Or you can let it run it's course. Remember, the nursery don't seem worried.

Oh gosh I could never 'escape' at night before they were asleep that sounds quite normal

The playing up after child minder has been away sounds normal loo When I had my little grandaughter when her parents went on holiday she was coming up to 2 when they returned ( only a week) she ran to me hid her face in my shoulder and wouldn't speak to them for the rest of the morning They were so disappointed I think they had imagined her running into their arms I told them she was punishing them ?
The fact that he's lovely with his little friends points to it being a much more shyness of adults thingy than autism His childminder obviously hasn't any cincerns Not going to Daddy when mummy's there also sounds perfectly normal as well
Wait and see and don't look for comparences Iam is quite right they are all so very different

Like lemongrove I have some experience of autism and this is a possibility given your observations. This 'labelling' is a double-edged sword, but my experience is that the sooner ASD is diagnosed the sooner strategies can be put into place to help the child and parents.

Some children are more difficult to bring up than others. I know that's simplistic but imo it's true. Some are more stubborn, more sensitive, more active, more defiant than others. It isn't always down to poor parenting or a child having developmental or psychological problems. Growing up isn't easy is it

From what I can make out he's like that with all adults, If they try to talk to him or interact with him. He's very clingy to his mummy, lovely with his little friends. Sometimes he won't go to his daddy if mummy is there. Nursery have not commented just accept his behaviour. I've spoken to his child minder and she didn't seem worried although he acted up when she came back from her holiday. I know it best to ignore him but find it disturbing as parents have to wait till he's in bed before going out on a date night.

What you haven't told us unless I ve missed it is if he behaves this way with only you ?
How does he interact at nursery with the teachers the other kids, the parents even when coming and going If he runs away from everyone with eyes shut you might have reason to worry if it's just you it's something quite innocent that connects in his brain
You say nursery is aware of his behaviour what does that mean .... are they aware he behaves strangely at nursery? Or that it's been mentioned to them that he behaves that way with you?