Calling introvert grans

anya off to google that poster. How I wish I had had a copy to hand out to every single teacher at my own and my childrens parents evenings!

OP so sorry and you are not alone. Someone I know has been living with the same type of mother and can't reject her no matter how sad she makes her. Your trip sounds a wonderful idea and imagine how proud and interested your children will be.

So many derogatory labels for people who are just products of their time and circumstances. Parenting then was vastly different due to the way that generation had been parented themselves, just thank your lucky stars that you have been able to lead a different life.

My dad was one for a put down, told me it was character buiding, I hated it of course but I know he loved me and thought it for the best. I loved him too, miss him every day.

Older people were brought up in an atmosphere of criticism where praise was doled out in teaspoons, if ever. At my MIL's funeral I said to a friend of my DH's who knew her well, 'I am just sorry she didn't enjoy life more.' He replied, 'Never underestimate the pleasure some people get from being miserable.'

On the subject of introversion/extraversion I am definitely a quiet and reserved person but I am very content, love my family to bits and never stint praise where it is due.

Wow! I am almost "relieved" to discover that I have had much the same experiences with my mother as most of you. Mine couldn't relate to anyone and criticised everyone who didn't give her the due deference she believed she was entitled to.

I agree with others that it's got nothing to do with being intro/extrovert. This is a distraction from the real issue. She was angry inside and took it out on her children. She also treated her second husband like a domestic servant and was rude to him in public if he didn't carry out tasks well enough.

I used to think that her wartime experiences may have made her that way but then I recognised that my sisters have the same characteristics. When I found out years later about borderline personality disorder, this very much sums up what she was like.

My harsh treatment has affected me all my life, but I think she knew what she was like. About 3 years before she died, she suggested to DH that she wanted to talk to me - as if to seek some sort of "reconciliation".

I rejected the idea. Regret expressed one day (she would never have apologised) would have been forgotten the next. If there hadn't been other relatives at the funeral, I would have danced on her grave.

Control is what it boils down to. Once they see they're losing it, they'll use any trick they can to regain it. Probably something in your mother's background triggered that. Still no excuse.

I decided you cant love a brick wall and stopped all contact when i was 41. There was no telephone calls or contact asking why and then years later when she was 90 decided to write to all five children asking 'how are we' no one replied as 30 years without contact, what was the point. I dont see it as introvert/extrovert just some women have not got a maternal bone in their bodies! INTROVERT/EXROVERT just get on with your own life and enjoy, she aint gonna change

I am the same age as your mother and I did have lovely parents but I think at that time praise was not freely given. This was a time of great social change, people out of their comfort zone. As one OP said going to grammar school was thought by some as 'posh'.

It was is later life I learnt the importance of giving praise and compliments, particularly by american friends. They would compliment you on how you looked etc.

Your mother finds it impossible to say anything postive, I would have thought due to extremely low self esteem and being a miserable ..........

I agree with others who say being an introvert doesn't mean you can't have a good happy relationship with people, we need some people to quietly sit and watch whilst the extroverts are life and soul of the party.

Even those who have broken away and broken the chain of negativity must feel sad that they could not have had a better relationship with their mothers.

Ethelwulf - couldn't agree more. We shouldn't have to make excuses for our parents' bad parenting.

I am so sorry to read of your difficult relationship, ExtravertvIntrovert. My mother was undemonstrative and often unkind in her behaviour towards me and others- critical, and seeing the worst in all things and people. I now realise that she had a bad upbringing and possibly there are other things that happened that I cannot be sure of but can only suspect given her behaviour and reaction to events. I don't remember a single spontaneous hug, any expression of love, and once when I tried to comfort her when she was crying for reasons that I didn't know she just kept pushing me away and saying 'leave me alone.' I can type all of this without a single tear - I 'shut down' on the subject of my mother many years ago as it was impossible to please her, or make her life happy, which I so wish I could have done. She is long dead, and I truly think she welcomed the end of her life as she clearly could not be happy ; people like this do cause damage to those around them and make them feel inadequate . You have my sympathy but it is important to get on with your life in a positive and happy way as much as you can otherwise the misery perpetuates.

I agree with the very first reply. My mother was very much like this. She died a few years ago and I was the only family member to be with her in her last years. It was pretty much unbearable. I lived under the shadow of this woman for all my life. I don't actually care why she behaved the way she did. I just wish it hadn't taken the toll on me that it did. Do what you feel is right for your own well being. I really wouldn't try to explain it or justify any of your actions. Or even your very existence.

I can identify with almost all of this, my mother was emotionally distant, never made physical contact, shunned all social gatherings, hardly went out - indeed she avoided us, her children, as much as possible during our childhood. Eventually she became negative, passive aggressive and manipulative. Nothing was ever good enough - particularly me! It wasnt until her funeral that my daughter said she thought her grandmother might have been on the autistic spectrum or have Asperger's. Of course in Mum's day nothing much was known about any of that, but when I looked it up the behaviour seemed to fit. We will never know, but in some ways it seems easier now to try and forgive my childhood by thinking it might not have been deliberate behaviour (and no I dont think everyone on the autistic spectrum is negative and passive aggressive, it was just how her personality unfolded).

I am more introvert than extrovert, however this has never spoiled my relationship with my children or grandchildren at all. My daughter is an absolute extrovert, while I sometimes find really extrovert behaviour a bit wearing on occasions and OTT ....it does not spoil my relationship with people who are like this. ( have friends like this) I just accept them as they are and expect them to do the same with me. I am 70 years old and was brought up in a generation were people were quite stoic and not so demonstrative as they are nowadays so have never really given it much thought..was just the way it was. I think your mother's problem is more of being a pessimist rather than an optimist, as opposed to introvert....glass half empty!

Sorry, Jane 10, but there's nothing "typical" about the behaviour described, and IMHO your attempt to somehow normalise it is misguided, as is the suggestion that the victim is somehow responsible for the Mother's "intimidation". Just plain wrong...

There is a lot of confusion here about the personality trait Introversion/Extraversion, as others have pointed out. The relationship problems described are not to do with intro/extraversion. I can highly recommend this little book written for interested readers and psychology undergraduates. It is really approachable and full of interesting stuff. I think it would help OP get a perspective on her mum's dysfunctional way of relating. Personality: What makes you the way you are (Oxford Landmark Science) 13 Sep 2007
by Daniel Nettle, currently available on Amazon booksellers from as little as £3.08

I wouldn't rush to pathologise your mother's behaviour. She sounds to me a fairly typical product of her own upbringing. I've known several people like that. They have always had such low esteem themselves that they can't cope with attention and praise. I tend to look at what people actually do rather than what they say. Was she a good mother in how she looked after you as a child? Did she go without anything so you could have something you wanted? That sort of thing always impresses me more than overt shows of affection.
Her education level may be such that its hard to explain herself to you. Maybe you intimidate her by your own articulacy and life experience?
Just trying to look at things from a different perspective.

In a way feeling so much better after reading some of these. I feel that I have spent 50 years trying to please my parents never doing anything that they would disapprove off etc but have never felt loved it praised in return. They did used to babysit but only after making excuses first whereas my mil would jump at the chance. To cut a long story short they do not speak to me now because of one mistake I made which I have apologised several times for. They have thrown everything back in my face from paying for my wedding, over 30 years ago when it was how things were done and told me I need help. Anyway, long and short of it is I do not speak to them now and feel so much happier and freer for it and in a way wish I had done it years ago. I do feel guilty that it has come to this but reassured to know others feel the same

Mad ferret lady, how true.
As DH said we are all prisoners of our personality. But some of us are in solitary confinement and others are in open prisons.
I think it's not a question of simply introvert extrovert, as ever with human beings it's more complicated than that.
I think you should find someone to talk to about this. Also, if your family was happy with your trip, then take no notice of her opinion. We have to grow away from our parents to develop our own personalities.
All best wishes.

Agree. It's sociopathic. I can spit it in people really easily now. Just avoid at all costs. They won't change.

This is not "normal" behaviour on your Mother's part, but your experience is far from rare. I too had a Mother who constantly saw the negative in most things, and clearly saw it as her lifelong mission to try to make me feel guilty and inadequate. Like you, I eventually let her know in detail how I felt when her behaviour started to impact negatively upon my children. As in your case, she was incapable of acknowledging her culpability in all this, and even tried to imply that I was somehow largely responsible. From that point on I had as little to do with her as possible, and my family life was immediately brighter without her baleful influence. She went to her grave still bitter and twisted and unreconciled, but that was her choice..not mine. As for your Mother's behaviour being due to "introversion"... absolutely not. Introverts can still be affectionate and loving to those who are close to them. Your Mother's behaviour is sociopathic, and such traits are very deep-rooted and unlikely to change. I do sympathise, but would strongly recommend that like me, you get on with your life, and get out from under that dark cloud which is constantly with her.

It's narcissism alright. And a good dollop of passive aggressiveness. My father left me an emotional wreck for most of my adult life due to his. It wasn't until after his death and divorce from my narcissistic ex that I discovered what it was. You're lucky you're a natural extrovert as you're better placed to deal with it but I'm a much more sendup person and it really impacted on my progress as an adult. I'm better now but still have feelings of low self worth even though I've managed to achieve a lot. They screw up our lives if we don't handle them properly.

go and enjoy your week away and refuse to be in the least bit guilty. You will be a better parent for that and will learn from your mother how NOT to bring up your children. Does she single you out (you don't mention siblings) for this cruel behaviour as this is just what it is. It is sad the one person who should love you unconditionally warts and all, doesn't appear to. I was blessed with parents who both adored me and my sisters - that invisible cloak has protected me from life's slings and arrows - my beloved husband had indifference and cruelty mentally and physically from his parents especially his mother. While I cry even now decades after my parents have gone as I miss then so. he didn't even go to her funeral (she was too busy to see him the final two years even when she knew he had a terminal illness) and never thinks of her. He is loving ad sweet, but has been damaged as doesn't trust anyone who truly tries to show him love apart from me. Throwing all these at you

MadFerretLady You sum it up precisely.

I am an introvert, but have a great relationship with my sons and grandson. I think introverts are just renewed by solitude and that extroverts are renewed by company. I am fine as long as I take the time to 'renew'. Dog walking will do this as much as going away! We just need space occasionally. It doesn't stop us having good family relationships, or being in people orientated roles - we just need to understand our own needs and not blame others for being different.

I don't think it is helpful using a label to excuse bad behaviour. I honestly feel you have to quit trying to please anybody, especially your mother. Mine was wonderful but had her faults, as we all have. Stop looking for approval from someone who isn't going to give it - it is totally exhausting and detrimental to your peace of mind.

My mother was just like that too. When I passed the 11+ she just said OK now go bck to school. Same when I graduated with a 1st - "I suppose that will have to do".
She is dead now but my sister is just like her so I just stopped all contact with her about 15 years ago with no regrets whatsoever. I still see my lovely cousins regularly but they can't stand my sister either. One cousin said that she sucks all the positivity out of the air wherever she goes. My son occasionally rings and popped in once and sat there for about 3 hours while they recited everything they had done for the last year and the illnesses they had had. Not once did they ask about him or his children. So he has given up too.