Oh wow, thank you everyone who has posted since I last did. You all have some really valid and thought-provoking points. Some comments also have brought me to tears with your kindness and wisdom.
Bridgeit, thank you, I do want to know why, it is often the thing that hurts us most, the not knowing isn’t it.
Jane, you have hit the nail on the head really. My husband says too many people take me for granted but I can’t help it. I do need to work on sometimes doing what I want from time to time, it just doesn’t sit very well if I know others might be upset with a decision I’ve made. It would be lovely to have a Christmas just us four and much less stressful, in fact it is my husband’s preference. So many times in the past 15 years where we are second best (even where we have been cancelled in preference to them attending because they are so on-off) and I have swallowed that up and accepted it, to reach out for advice means I’ve reached a point where I can’t carry on as things are.
Crafting, I understand it is so tough being her. Society in general seems see mums spending more energy on the difficult child rather than the good one, the person who shouts the loudest and complains in life, the one who works less hard at work rather than the boss praising the competent. It’s all a bit backwards to me.
PaddyAnn, they love spending time with our children the rest of the year and are retired and always ask when we are all meeting up next. You might be right though, Christmas Day itself might be too much. That’s lovely what you did for your parents.
Zorro thank you for your kind words. I am sorry you have had a similar experience with rejection, we all just want to feel included and loved don’t we. I will try my best to put on a brave face.
ajanela, yes you have also hit a truth here. My BIL’s wife stopped my BIL seeing his brother (my husband) as she claimed he was taking him away from her or something along those lines and also I believe this is similar on and off with my MIL so I can see she has to do what they request. It is a shame we have to suffer as a result and hard sometimes to keep being the steady consistent one. I am sorry you have also experienced how being very loving and giving compared to another relative isn’t always fair or just.
Coconut, thank you for your kind response and wise words. Perhaps a letter is what it needs, I can write it kindly and with love and she could see my viewpoint, I just don’t want to upset her. I do wonder that if it won’t achieve anything (she will be on this rollercoaster with her other son for the rest of her life) then there may not be much point putting her through potentional hurt. I will have a think about it as it does seem a very good suggestion to help me, maybe even if I write it to her but don’t send it to her. The smirk was so out of character it took me by complete surprise, and I’m not quick on my feet so often just let people say things to me, again, a life skill I need to work on.
Sackett, you seem like a wonderful MIL, just like mine is. You seem so respectful of their wishes and yet help out with taking the stress out of raising a family. I would like to say your family are very lucky to have you in their lives. Thank you for you kind words.
Dragonfly, it is human nature isn’t it, I just wish it wasn’t so (see my earlier comment about society). Maybe after reading this you could spend a bit more time with your kinder child and family as I know it would mean lots to them Also yes very interesting point, one which Milly and IngeJones have also mentioned after your comment. She is becoming more forgetful of late, and does repeat conversations or ask questions when we told her only the day before. Perhaps this is something I have overlooked, thank you to all who said this. It could explain a lot.
Radical, yes very good points you have raised. They perhaps are getting older and like things done their own way at their own pace, and life is changing. I feel sad if it is the start of them getting more unwell/dementia etc. It is part of life and I need to ride that wave as it approaches. Yes, I do tend to overinvest, it is my weakness, as I then feel hurt sometimes, and I need to work on it to feel happier in these situations. Thank you.
Chris good idea to ask FIL, he will have noticed and perhaps my husband could ask him in confidence.
Rizlett, you have given me some home truths, but said it kindly. You have described me very well without knowing me and explained what I need to focus on. I’m just not sure where to start, it seems so alien to me but I know it is necessary. Thank you so much.
Daisy, yes some things may have been festering and we may have been completely unaware. Although we are in such regular contact, I think we would have known if something was wrong, but then again if I think back just a few months perhaps it is her memory and mental health that is failing her. And I’ll be there to support her if that is the case. Nothing she does will push me away completely.
Thanks everyone, really really grateful for all of your collective knowledge and experience so far.