Should I let him have the ring?

I have a safe place where I put things and it t akes 5 years minimum to find them. She may well prefer something they have chosen together of course, I would send him along that road and give her the heirloom for theri silver wedding.

Aloof people are often shy people.

I think you are being far too over-protective of your 25-year old son. Let him make his own decisions (and mistakes). At 25 he should be running his own life.

Perhaps you need to separate the ring from girlfriend/fiancé situation. If you are very attached to the ring wear it or keep it as others have suggested and it can later be given or left as a gift to whoever you want. Let your son and his girlfriend sort out their engagement ring issues themselves then there is no excess baggage if the relationship does or doesn't work out. Sounds as though you have enough misgivings already without complicating it with a ring with lots of emotional significance. Once you give the ring you cannot set conditions in which you would like it back. Once given it is given.

Keep the ring in the family, maybe a present to a Granddaughter would be better later on.
Maybe this girl would like to choose her own ring when they can afford it.

25's not young! We met at 18, were engaged at 19, married at 20 (we both needed our parents permission as the age of majority was 21) and at 25 had a one year old daughter. But my 19 year old fiancé bought my ring himself, we both had started work at 15. I'd be a bit more concerned that at 25 he has no money put by, he's an adult and shouldn't need a loan or a family ring at his age.

I had an old wedding ring (one of my granmothers') which my son and his girlfriend used when her engagement ring was enlarged. She ended up in rehab and when she kicked him out (more than a year later) she did not return the ring. This still bothers me.
I would not give him the ring, but suggest that you could give it to her on a significant anniversary in a few years time, if it all works out. Perhaps you could tell him that you feel their engagement ring should be something that they go out and choose themselves?
I can absolutely understand you not wanting to give somģething of sentimental value to someone about whom you feel uncertainty.

My advice having 3 sons, 2 of whom are married now is this - Sit him down and just say, when you ask her to marry you, give her the option of having the ring or getting a new one. I have 2 lovely daughter-in-laws and to be fair neither of them would have chosen to have my mother's wedding ring. I think you also need to say how gutted you would be if the ring ever left the family circle. Maybe one day you like me will have a beautiful granddaughter who will also get the option of having the ring and may like mine treasure it. Sometimes all it takes is a conversation.

Without being too nosy is it very valuable? My own engagement ring( we were both 23) was the best my DH could afford at the time and since then he has given me some beautiful rings including a marquise diamond which needs separate expensive insurance. So perhaps they need to know that they can afford the insurance if they are still starting out on careers. Too much is attached to sentiment with jewellery . I know I am but I sold my mother's and grandmothers rings when my brother was ill and needed financing and I felt my DH shouldn't be involved in supporting him.

Tell him that he can have it for an eternity ring when you've died. Choosing a ring is something that he needs to do with his girlfriend - its a precious object that she needs to connect to and love.

Why don't you let him give it to her on their wedding day,
impressing on him now it is a family heirloom and very precious to you.

You sound exactly like my MIL who regarded me as a 'Gold Digger' who had stolen her only son. She caused much misery throughout our married life in spite of my enormous efforts to please her. She simply doted on our DD1 (the daughter she never had) but virtually ignored DD2 'saying that 'my Mother could have that one'. - I could go on all day.

Which is more important - your son's happiness or your's? what happens to an old ring or welcoming the woman he has chosen? Your son will inevitably create a family of his own. It is up to you whether you accept his choices and remain a happy part of that family or become an embittered, lonely, old woman.

Sorry if this seems harsh but I hate to see a family at loggerheads when a change of attitude by one member can lead to happiness all round. Remember you cannot change anyone else only yourself.

Interesting comments about young women wanting to choose their own rings. I look at Kate's ring and think did she really want Diana's cast off? Even if it is expensive, presumably William could have afforded an equally expensive one of her choice.
So that's a good way to play it I think Joopstar suggest to your son that his young lady would want to choose her own. I know I wouldn't want to give my Mother's ring to someone outside the family, fortunately I have two daughters, who I have offered it to but both declined I think because they feel its mine while I am alive (luckily my Mother had two rings, one belonging to her father that she had remodelled so I can give both my daughters a ring)
Good luck with this tricky situation.

I'd already been married twice when I was 25. Little did I know at the time, there was yet to be a number 3.

Didn't get a bloody engagement ring out of any of then.

gilly

This is a bit tricky but if he's now asked for the ring I don't see how you can say no. Hopefully once they get engaged you may begin to feel more comfortable with her.
I was very surprised by the son's choice but they're happy so if they're happy, I'm happy.

Joopster .You say the girlfriend appeared aloof?
How many of us when meeting our possibly? future in laws do not feel apprehensive. I know I did as the whole family were there including granny. I wanted to crawl into a corner.
Has the wedding date been fixed.?Eight months does not give that much time to really get to know someone to want there to be a marriage but your son is 25 so give him the benefit of knowing that this young woman is 'the one'
I too would have concerns over the ring.Hopefully you can have a chat with your son voicing your feelings. This should then give you an insight into the relationship and only then put to him your concerns as to what, should the relationship end, happen to the ring.

It seems I'm in the minority, thinking that the OP should just keep her promise and give the ring to her son for his fiancee (though as I said earlier, I doubt she'll want it anyway). If it's so important to you, joopster, and was never going to be freely given to him, it shouldn't have been offered. "It was a family joke". Really? Your son doesn't seem to think it was. By all means leave your ring in its safe place, unworn and unseen. But you'll be jeopardising your relationship with your son if you even try to explain that you really only wanted to give it to him if he married a woman of your choosing.

If my MiL had had her way, we would not be married. She had a nice Welsh lass in mind for DH and I was English ? which was tantermount to having two heads!! It was a source of great disappointment to her but she got used to it (I think!). I expect she thought I was aloof too! Come to think of it, I probably was! ?

She won't want a second-hand ring, even if it is an heirloom. Hang on to it and tell your son the ring means a lot to you as it was your mum's ring.

Tell your son that his engagement ring to his girlfriend will hold more merit if it is one he has chosen and that you were hoping to give him the ring later, maybe for their tenth wedding anniversary. It could work, as the 'getting to know' time will then be sufficient.

Milly That's a bit harsh isn't it? Diana's cast off.?
William no doubt wanted his mothers ring to go on the finger of his bride Not be stored amongst the many other items in the royal jewellery archives. Women do have choices. Well most!
I would have deemed it an honour to have received an engagement ring that had belonged to a relative of my husband. Yes, if in doubt, he could afford a new one .

sarahellen whitney I know more people wo have divorced AFTER living together for years before they married than folk who married quickly.8 months is quite long enough to know if you've found someone you want to spend your life with

I am completely with you on this joopster. You mother's ring understandably means a great deal to you, and I can quite see why you are reluctant for it go to a young woman you have doubts about.

Of course your initial impression of this girl might be wrong, but to get engaged after just going out for 8 months seems far too soon to me, especially as your son is only 25.

I would be tempted to play for time and say you are not sure where it is! In the meantime either the relationship may fizzle out, or once you get to know her a bit more, you may change your opinion of her.

I am currently wearing my late Mother's engagement ring, which I love, but it is also hugely valuable, a good five figures, and I wouldn't part with it, although would leave it in my will.
I do have another ring, left to me by an aunt, which is very pretty and valued at around £2,000 and I did offer it to my son when he was with a previous girlfriend, if he wanted to give it to her. (they broke up before he did so)
It seems your son and his GF have not been together very long , eight months is no time really. and yes, 25 is fairly young to get engaged these days
How about saying that you'll give it to him after a certain period of time --18 months or so seems more sensible to me. I don't think there's anything wrong with being uncertain about his GF, or telling him that you'd like to get to know her better first.

I am currently wearing my late Mother's engagement ring, which I love, but it is also hugely valuable, a good five figures and I wouldn't part with it

Same for me SiobhanSharpe with the exception of the fact that it is "hugely valuable" .

I feel like I am only the current custodian and not the owner.