Should I let him have the ring?

Goodness, I didn't expect so many responses! Thank you for those who have made some good suggestions. I'm sorry, I know 25 is not young in our day, but these days it is. And as I said in my OP, I haven't been negative about her at all in real life but thought I could 'let off steam' on a forum. Of course I hope my instincts turn out to be wrong and we get on better in the future but even if we don't, they're the ones in the relationship, not me, and as long as she makes my son happy, I can't complain.
I have thought about it and will keep the ring. I will discuss it with him and tell him that it means too much to me right now and perhaps his fiancee would like to choose her own. I suspect he can't afford one at the moment so I will offer to loan him some money towards one. Thanks for helping me come to a decision.

It's not particularly valuable ( I don't think so anyway) but it's the emotional value that I'm hanging on to.

I think you are being far too over-protective of your 25-year old son. Let him make his own decisions (and mistakes). At 25 he should be running his own life

Absolutely, except when it comes to family property.

I suspect he can't afford one at the moment so I will offer to loan him some money towards one

An ideal solution (in my opinion) joopster.

as long as she makes my son happy Exactly.

HE thinks she's the kind of girl who would like the family ring. Let him find out if she is.

I wouldnt if it was me,i have done this ,and when they split up she sold it,
I don't think your son is too young at 25, but I would say the relationship is too short to be giving your ring away yet
I think a good idea would be to say after 12 months if they want to get engaged and have this ring then he can have it, or however long you want to specify
OR as someone else suggested, let him have it on the agreement you will get it back if they split

Ok I don't very often post on here but perhaps I could make a suggestion? You are obviously reluctant and there are many valid points on both sides of the argument with new rings/old rings etc., and worries of the ring leaving the family, so how about saying to your son to buy her a new ring and having your ring as an eternity ring later down the line? Just a thought.

Hedge your bets!

I wouldn't give the ring to your son now, but would keep to give them when they have a special anniversary down the line.

I agree with those who have said she would probably prefer a new ring. Using a family heirloom ring is big in American movies and your son may have seen too many scenes in which the girl was thrilled in receiving one and it was all perfect. As others have suggested, have a chat with your son about whether the best thing is to ask her what she would prefer, rather than risk her feeing disapointed.

I also agree with others, than it’s an error make assumptions about the girl based upon 3 meetings where she could well have been worrying about what you (and other family members there?) thought of her. If you don’t build a relationship with this girl and they have a long marriage, you won’t see much of your son, as she and his own children will rightly become his primary concern.

Legally if the ring is a family heirloom she would be obliged to give the ring back if they split up, so if you made that clear to both of them then maybe you would feel better about handing it on. I have to say I will not be passing my DMs engagement ring to DD for many a year. Likewise another ring will go to DDiL at the same time. Family joke I am still paying DDiL to stay!!

Poor you, your son has obviously been promised the ring for his future bride- if you don't hand it over he's going to ask why and certainly not like the answer. Don't alienate, or even lose him over a bloody ring. Hand it over. Mum -v- girlfriend = you can't win.

I would not give your beloved Mum's ring away to anyone. Tell your son that you really can't beat to part with it, start wearing it yourself and tell him to buy his own engagement ring.
Tell him he can have it when you die.

I can't see there's any way this woman will want to have a second hand ring that is probably not fashionable by today's standards. Really, men often have no idea what women like. Kate Middleton had to be saddled with Diana's ring not only a hideous, large, dated Sapphire but also the one she died wearing. Tell him he must choose his own ring for the engagement and that you will keep your mother's for a dress ring for a future granddaughter, if you have no daughters yourself to pass it on to.

I’d say u really think she would prefer a new ring of her choice but that you’ll either give him it to give her a year after they re married, or that u ll leave it in your will he s to get it to give to his wife.

joopster I'm glad you've made a decision, but are you sure about offering to lend him the money to buy a ring? That doesn't sound to me like the best way towards starting married life. If he can't afford to buy a ring then should he be proposing yet?

The general rule of thumb is an engagement ring should cost about one month's salary. Personally I think the cost is your own business, but the girl might be aware of this.

The fact that he thinks there's a free ring available might factor in to his wanting to propose at this time. Perhaps if he has to buy a ring he might rethink the timing.

Either way if I was the girlfriend, I wouldn't be impressed or happy that he had to borrow the money to buy a ring. Just saying.

I’d be glad to hand the ring over, very sensible not wanting to waste ridiculous sums of money on an overpriced new one, plus the sentimental value for him. Just because the fiancée seems a bit distant, it’s not necessarily that she’s aloof, maybe just a bit overawed or shy. I was terrible with my new parents in law for years, always was with the father in law, but after several years my mother in law became one of my dearest friends and far more important to me than my own mother ever was. Unfortunately she now has advanced dementia, but I still visit her regularly and she still knows me, I will miss her dreadfully when she is gone. Give it chance, it takes a long time to build a good relationship.

My grandmother gave me her Victorian keeper ring when I was 15 before she died as a family heirloom. I almost gave it as a ‘token’ to a guy I was going out with (for a short time) in the 60s, I am still horrified that I nearly gave it away. I never gave it to my daughter as she would have sold it for ready cash as she did with jewellery from her paternal grandma. I gave it to my eldest granddaughter when she was 15 but took it back when I noticed she wasn’t wearing it and her young, very destructive, step-brother was playing with it. I’ve worn it for 55 years with those few years break, and am wearing it now. I will give it to my other granddaughter at the right time. Don’t give it to someone you feel uncomfortable with, you will regret it I am sure.

I never had an engagement ring, because we couldn’t afford it. DH would never have borrowed the money to buy one and I would not have let him. When we could afford it, it seemed a rather unnecessary extravagance. We knew each other for four months; he was 23, I was 19. We have been married for 51 years. It works if you want it to work.

It is very difficult to know what to do with things precious to you when this situation occurs. One of the things I took from my grandmother's house, after she died, was my father's Christening robe. I kept it and both my children were Christened in it. A few years ago a nephew asked if he could have it for his son. I was a bit reluctant but his new baby had as much right to wear it as any other child in the family. Despite asking for it back, I have been met with silence. So please think long and hard about your precious things and who will use them.

Exactly GD.

DH chose my engagement ring and produced it when he proposed.

I don't think my MiL liked me to start with (DH wasn't her favourite!) but I know she liked me at the end (I think she realised that I was down to earth and capable) as she told my FiL to make sure he gave me her engagement ring.

There is a lot of good advice here about letting your son's fiance know the ring is a memory of your mother and how to pass on this knowledge that it is a family heirloom to go down the generations if she wishes to have it.

Good luck.

A lot of couples these days seem to like a matching set of wedding and engagement rings, particularly the white gold variety which now seems to be the fashion. I would be honest with your son and say you were joking at the time and can"t really bear to part with it.

"My son wants to pop the question to his girlfriend of 8 months" but possible she'll say no - otherwise you'll just have to 'keep looking' for the ring and hopefully it'll turn up in time for the wedding.

I don't think she should have the ring. I agree about it being left to a grandchild in your will. As said a modern woman would not want such a ring and as also said white gold is the fashion. Help out if you can with buying a ring. I expect this would be appreciated. Oh and 25 is not too young to get engaged. I hope it turns out that she becomes a beloved daughter in law.

I think you should keep your ring and also keep your money A ring should be a symbol of love not a symbol of opulence. let your son choose and pay for whatever ring he can afford which comes from his heart not your purse , otherwise you will be part owner of the ring and feel even more put out and anti ( the girl) and more justified to be against her if they break up or even have rows

I think it’s really none of anyone’s business but the couple themselves and maybe your son is involving you too much