Daughter moving back home

How l wish l had a daughter who wants to help herself , mine has been on benefits for ever. Marriage means whatever stops your spouse being unhappy you will try your best to accommodate. Ask your husband to give the situation a go with no reservations

I certainly don't think this is a matter of a 2nd marriage having less priority than adult children!

It's much more about the OP and her DH talking about the situation and respective their children. Hopefully they can find a way through this.

Elarev my step-siblings would have nothing to do with their mother for several years after she left. The younger one was still at home, but working. The older one was living with her boyfriend. They are both close to their Dad and I think it was a shock when he started seeing my Mum (they knew each other slightly as they were members of the same club). I like both of them, but they both seem to be incapable of treating my Mum like a member of the family. It's like they still think of her as a 'girlfriend' and not a permanent fixture. They reconciled with their mother when the first grandchild arrived and she played a big part in helping out with child care, especially after the marriage breakdown of older step-sibling. I tell you this to give you an idea of how long something like this can be going on beneath the surface of every day life. My Mum and Step-Dad are very happy together and have worked out ways to keep each other happy when it comes to to their respective families. My concern (and I know it's in the back of my Mum's mind), is what could happen if my Step-Dad dies first. But there's no point in worrying about something that might never happen.

I hope you can work something out.

If you have a very large house could you separate off part of it so that they have their own living quarters - perhaps a kitchen/sitting room and a bathroom of their own as well as bedrooms?
Perhaps if you don't all live en famille it could work out and perhaps she could pay towards the fuel bills which would be cheaper than the struggle she is having at the moment.

This seems to be all about what your daughter wants; you are staying with her tonight and 'hopefully we can come up with a solution that will suit us all'. Is your husband not included in this discussion? After all, it is half his house and his life that is going to change if you go ahead with your plans, plus higher costs and living expenses. Where is your daughter planning to live in July; will she have finished all her studying by then?

Your story rings bells with me too, Elarev. There are so many divided loyalties when trying to combine 2 families.
And as others have said, money often plays a part.
I'm not sure if this has been mentioned, but if she did move in with you, would she expect you to do some babysitting with your grandson? This could cause further friction.
I agree with the person who suggested helping your daughter out with renting somewhere small near you.
When we were having problems I thought, me and husband have the est of our lives together. The children will go off and do their own thing;

ps "I agree with the person who suggested helping your daughter out with renting somewhere small near you."
It was Kwest on the previous page.

I’m with Jalima1108 on both of her posts. My DD is also a single Mum studying and working. She is desperate to maintain her independence in her own place but if she needed to come here we would have her and DGD - it wouldn’t be easy but we’d have to do it. Good luck.

Would your husband tell your daughter face to face why he is objecting because it isn't fair on you to be made piggy in the middle do you think he may be jealous of the closeness you have with your daughter if you have the room and she can contribute a little I think he has issues that need to be aired he is putting his children's wishes first yet doesn't see why you should do the same

Elarev I haven't read all the posts yet but my feeling is that your husband is being unreasonable. His issues with his children and his former wife are nothing to do with you and shouldn't impinge on your relationship with your daughter.

I'm afraid I'd put my daughter first - especially in this situation where she's trying to build a career to support herself and her son - and blow the consequences. You have what I consider to be quite a large house and I think it's incredibly mean of your husband not to see how important it is to you to help your daughter out.

I do agree though that there should be some discussion as to how the arrangement is to work.

It is non of your husbands children's business. They need to grow up and put themselves in your DDs shoes. What a self centred pair. Stick to your guns and support your daughter and grandson. I would give DH ultimatum

Elarev, my heart goes out to you. Of course you must help your DD & her son -she’s doing her very best to make a living & needs help for a little while with finance & childcare then no doubt she will want to be independent. Life is too short & you would never forgive yourself if you refused to help her because other selfish parties could see no further than the end of their noses. Would it be possible to get your husband & daughter to talk over the situation with you and make it clear this would be a temporary arrangement until she is able to move on. As for your husband’s children-it’s none of their business what you both decide to do with your spare bedrooms! PS We have had our daughter, her husband & new baby living with us since May while their house is being renovated- it’s what you do!! It’s not for ever!

Elarev can't just give an ultimatum. They are joint owners of the house and he may have legitimate concerns. Where is her daughter going to store all her furniture/stuff? How easy will it be to move back into rented accommodation when the six months is up? They will want their own social life, especially the little boy. What about sleepovers etc?

I wouldn't give a toss what his selfish children think but I do think there are some harsh comments directed towards the husband on this thread. He may be finding it hard to stand up to his children so they're the ones that need to be told a few home truths.

Elerev difficult for you, but try and get your DH to see how right helping in this way is.He is a Grandad to your DGS so not as if he doesn’t know the boy.It won’t be forever ( presumably?) I would definitely want to help a hard working DD and DGS. Good luck.

Cynical old me thinks his kids are worried about their inheritance if she moves in permanently. Motherly old me would definitely prioritise my child and hers to give them a helping hand. You need to do a good old diplomatic effort on him. Shmooze him into your way of thinking.

I have always thought that children come first, regardless of whose or how old they are. It’s not always easy to integrate families, but my stance is that my children and I come as a package. I would never have expected to come between my partner’s child and him, likewise he wouldn’t come between me and mine. I think your DH’s children need to grow up and stop being so selfish.

OP Your husband’s daughters can’t be truly interested in your household arrangements if they only travel the 10 miles to visit twice a year! It sounds as if they and their mother just want to interfere in his life, and yours.
Is your husband someone prepared to have a calm discussion or does he just reiterate his own point of view? I hope you can sort something out for your daughter and her son. He really needs and deserves a stable home, childhood passes so quickly.

I agree with FarNorth,tell your husband if he doesn't like it he can leave. I fail to see what it has to do with his children. Let your daughter and grandson come home at least until she finishes her training, she is obviously a hard working girl, it can't be easy studying and working two 12.5 hours days as well as caring for her son. She sounds like she really needs your help.

So, according to maddy629, Mr Elarev should be ordered to leave his own home, to accommodate the wishes of his wife's daughter.
Presumably, he will take his half of the lovely four bedroom two bathroom home with him.

When my first marriage broke down, my DH (then just a best friend) and his Mum and Dad offered me and my DDs a home. Then his parents' marriage broke down and we supported MIL. She and I are not always the best of friends, but always support one another as a family and would find a way to put up your DD and GS. Sorry, your husband must learn to tolerate the situation - it won't be for ever and might discover that they actually do get on.

Elarev, you are a good mother and you have a good daughter who needs your help. Unfortunately, a mother must often risk everything and happily walk into a hundred war zones just to protect her children from all the selfishness and callousness in this world.

In this case, you shouldn't have to bend over backwards (logistically or financially) when the obvious solution is so easily within reach. Right now, your spouse is your sole obstacle. Many here blame him and rightly so. That's because he does not need his children's permission to help your child and to do something that makes you happy.

If he can't acknowledge that, then you very well may have to 'bare your teeth' so to speak in order for that to happen. Going forward, he may find the wrath of his children far more preferable than having to incur yours!

Cynical old me thinks his kids are worried about their inheritance if she moves in permanently
Shizam that thought crossed my mind too, but I thought I was being too cynical!