Has anyone mastered the art of saying No without the guilt that follows

Oh sandraanddaisy - like you, when I read those exact words you quoted from serkeen's son it made me gasp - I immediately thought how manipulative he sounded.
Serkeen - Such good advice on here about saying no - good luck and I hope you manage it and start to think about yourself.

Maybe a sit down and a chat is needed to give that presumably quite old offspring a chance to air feelings both ways. Explain about boundaries, love and attention need to be reciprocal. If they feel you’re just there when they need you, that is not acceptable. You have done your job and raised them. Happy to help out, but you need a life, too. And for that to be very much appreciated!

My granddaughter has a bit of a paddy when she's told no, but she's nearly 2, she will grow out of it. I have a friend with 3 demanding offspring in their 20s and 30s, and we coach her to say no. I'm with Lemongrove, prepare your reason, or have a list of them to cover all the usual requests; but eventually you'll have to have the difficult conversation that being told you're a bad parent because offspring doesn't get own way is really really hurtful, and not acceptable.

Say no sometimes ...not from a power base thing , but if you do not want to do what’s asked of you.Ive been childminding my two grandkids for ten years... school pick ups...and now school delivery ....which necessitates me leaving my house a 6.30 in the morning,and walking three miles ( not complaining as I love to walk). I am fit and able to do it at the moment but there will come a time when I will start to say no.My daughter and SIL understand totally where I’m at with this...and if I ever have said no to something they never inquire “why” but just accept. It’s your life and you and only you need to be in control of it. You will feel better about yourself and unless your son is a total ‘wet’ he will respect you for it! Give it a try and take back your life!

Please, learn to say "no" sometimes ( hard though that can be). He has to stand on his own two feet now and again! Remember, you are not a doormat. Take note of what sandraanddaisy is saying. It might not apply to you, but nevertheless, there are times when it's necessary to say no, and stick to it.

A few words like bully and manipulative have come out

I'm just confused, do not want to think of my son to be a bully or manipulative.

But he is short with me lots and explains it is because he has a lot of pressure at home.

At first I let it go because of that very fact but the more I let it go the worse it got and the last time he took things out on me I told him that we all have problems not only him.

I did not know that when grandchildren came along my life would get this complicated. I thought it would be a matter of taking them out when I felt up to it and enjoyed them.

I have 4 grandchildren and another on the way and believe me when I tell you I love them all so much but where I do not get a break I always feel overwhelmed and dread being asked again.

When I had my children it was wholly my responsibility. I had no help from either side of the family and do not understand why so much help is needed as neither Mu works?

Just so knackered with it all and then the stress of the drama too.

Thank you for your help advice and your honesty x

Apologies for the incorrect spelling of where, it should have been were.

And just wanted to say shocked at how many of our children take advantage of us.

I believe we have ourselves to blame simply because we had it hard and did not want the same for our children. What we did not realise is that having it hard, meaning our parents took no nonsense, made us the strong able people that we are today.

Quite right Serkeen. I’m amazed sometimes at how difficult some parents seem to find paranting.

Serkeen I think you have put your finger on the problem. We want the best for our children so give them all we can and forget that phrase about 'killing with kindness'.

I think you are right Serkeen but if the Mothers don’t work then you should not do as much as you do.A visit now and then and the odd babysit should be all, unless there are sudden emergencies.
Think of your own health, and maybe remind them that you are getting older.

I think you are absolutely spot on with your comment that we had it hard and didn't want the same for our children; they have gone on to expect it and take advantage of our goodwill. You certainly shouldn't be expected to offer childcare to the point when it exhausts you, when neither mother has a job.
Good luck in standing up for your needs in the new year.

Tell your son you are saying 'No' in order to make him better person. (and it will!)

I think my response to requests would often depend on the possible consequences to my child - albeit mature adult - of saying no. Making their lives even more difficult will not necessarily make them a 'better' person. I've had problems in the past and have been VERY grateful to my Mother for coming to my aid when she could have said no.

I made that point because Serkeens son criticises her, telling her it will make her a better person.

I like it MissAdventure I am glad to hear that people do agree and you know it is not too late to do something about things.

Me personally I will slowly but surely do and get involved less and the main reason is my health. I do not want to be unwell due to the stress that I should not be having at my age.

Been so interesting hearing everyone's take on this.
Thank you

Hope everyone has a nice Christmas x x

Recently feel that I was suckered in as I did not say, No.

It was our adult daughter's birthday and as she is single Mom, we invited her and the 3 children, plus son and his family another 2 children to dinner.

Then our daughter asked politely if we could not also invite her ex's parents, who play a big part in childcare too and live around the corner. Yes, I said.

Then the ex-mother-in-law calls to explain their daughter's husband has been staying with them for work access and could he not come too. Hesitantly I say yes, although I do point out that now we cannot all sit together as there will not be room, and it was a rather expensive menu (crab). Ex-mother-in-law says no worries she will buy the crab for extra guest. Yes, I say with no choice really. Then she also invites her daughter too.
I thought to then I was pretty good at the no.
No compensation for the crab, no wine or extras brought by the extra "guests". I am a little put out!
Next time, NO sorry. No not sorry!

I don't actually have this problem, as my children have declared me dead, but when they were children, the words they frequently heard from me were 'no does not mean yes in disguise'. Think about it

Funny thing , when we were little , our DM would always say "I'll see". To us we knew she meant no. I used to also use the "I'll see" with my DC and got a resounding "yayyy"

Have I got this right, you are told you are a bad parent if you say no.
Is you youngest an adult or a child. I assume he is an adult since you mention babysitting.
If you do not have the time or money then of course the answer is no. He is an adult and is responsible for his own life, does he believe you should still be supporting him.
He will never stand on his own feet if you keep propping him up.

I am struggling to imagine just how manipulating some adult children appear to be, and how hard some people find it to say no, in real life as well as online.
I haven’t always lived near enough to help out much with grandchildren, without a great deal of planning, but now I do, their parents are always prepared to take no for an answer. They know I have a lot of activities of my own and would not expect me to give them up to babysit. Having said that, I will drop everything in an emergency.
Respect for each other is what counts.
Don’t people have babysitting circles anymore these days?

Hi Folks just a rant and an update.

My son had the actual cheek to shout down the phone at myself and my DH ranting we don't help him enough,it would take a whole page to tell you how many ways we are helping him just couple I pay for his wife's monthly line rental, my husband gives him £300 A Month every month to help him pay his bills.. my DH had a belly full of this and said hey why not ask your mother in law for some help instead of us for a change and you would not believe the boys reply ..he said no I couldn't speak to her like that..Really! so it is ok to speak to us like that so angry.

I have two children and I don't know what happened with my youngest he is nothing like the rest of us, its quite awful if I am honest.

I have so had enough of his in gratefulness, his rudeness, his disregard towards us both

Apologies typo .. ungratefulness, but think you may have worked that one out ..

Wow! Your husband is paying him £300 a month for his wife to sit at home on her arse all day?
And he has the bare faced cheek to make other demands of you and then complain??
How have you let it get this far?
You need to cut the cash and let him manage on his own for a while. He’s never going to respect you whilst you’re constantly solving his problems and bailing them both out.
If she needs a phone, she can pay for it herself.
You do realise that he will attempt to sponge off his siblings when you’re both long gone?
Sadly, I’ve seen it happen to others so try to resolve this whilst you still can and make him take full responsibility for his life choices.

Instead of being put on the spot having to say yes or no, to babysitting , give them a list Specific dates/ days when you 'may be available ' good luck stay firm