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Grandsons first birthday present rejected

(143 Posts)
granofone Sat 17-Feb-18 23:03:59

It is my grandsons first birthday next month my eldest son is the dad.I picked a present and my son asked me to send him a link.When I next visited he asked me to think again because the present is too big.They live an a two bedroom house .DL'S parents are getting quite a big toy too a little kitchen that can be used as a walker.What I wanted to get him was a train that you can sit and ride with lots of activities on the side and it too can be used as a walker.Am I wrong to be dissapointed?In my family we were always grateful for gifts and would not dream of refusing one,and when my children were small I was glad they had a lot of toys to keep them busy.I do not know what to do now,they are having a big party and DL has lots of relatives and friends so he will get lots of small presents.I can not give money as I don't have it.I won a toy voucher with which I was going to get the present.I feel very similar to who posted the feeling pushed out post and have been reading the advice on there as there has been a few things I have not been happy about but am trying not to rock the boat as I know DL and grandson come first now for my son.It is hard though sad

Lisalou Sat 17-Feb-18 23:14:17

I am sure your son did not mean to hurt your feelings, but if they are short on space, was being practical. If you have a toy voucher, I am sure you could choose something less voluminous, or maybe several toys for the value of the voucher. Hugs, I can understand why you feel hurt, but doubt it was meant to be hurtful, if that makes sense?

Eglantine21 Sat 17-Feb-18 23:18:09

They probably think the ride on kitchen is too big too. But maybe they can't be as honest with the other grandparents.

Children progress so quickly that the walker will be redundant in a couple of months. Maybe something for the future summer months like a paddling pool?

Hilltopgran Sat 17-Feb-18 23:25:46

Our DIL does not want too many toys as they have limited space so for GC 2nd birthday I have bought story books to wrap up and a years entry to a local wildlife park, which they are very pleased with. Children today seem to be swamped with so many toys, but it is giving them your attention and playing and reading with them that builds a good relationship fof the future. I have GC who live abroad and I am lucky to see them twice a year, I know it is hard when both sets of Grandparents are not treated equally.
Do try not to see what you give as a competition who gives the biggest/most expensive present, children do not see it that way and a pack of cards can give as much pleasure as a train set. Why not buy a small gift to wrap and give as a present and let the parents spend the toy voucher when there is something your GC needs or really wants.

Farmor15 Sat 17-Feb-18 23:46:38

There are lots of smaller toys suitable for 1 year old. From my experience with grandchildren, the toys with buttons to press, making different noises and flashing lights are very popular. You can get books with sound effects, which they love. I can appreciate the problem of too big toys in small house, especially if they know that other relatives and friends will give presents.
Try not to be too disappointed, it’s only his first birthday and there will be plenty of others.

granofone Sun 18-Feb-18 00:03:12

Farmor15 The train has buttons to press, making different noises on the side it has great reviews it is the Vtech Push and Ride Alphabet Train just looked again and it comes apart so will mention that to son just wanted to get something special for his first birthday

Envious Sun 18-Feb-18 02:07:56

If you see him often can the present be left at your home? Just a thought.

Faye Sun 18-Feb-18 03:48:43

Rules of Gift Giving for MILs :

•Consult with the parents, especially DILs, and GC as they get older.
•Buy only one gift for each child (one for birthdays and one for Christmas).
•Buy equivalent value gifts, (if you get something on sale don’t feel you then have to buy that child something else to make up the $$ value of the other GC’s gifts).
•Don’t tell your GC Santa has left them presents at your house too.
•Remember you have had your turn at being Santa for your children.
•Don’t try and outdo the parents of your GC, it’s their turn now.
•Do not have favourites.
•Do not favour your DD’s children over your DS’s.
•This is not a competition with other GPs.
•If you feel you would like to buy your GC something during the year buy pjs, or something practical. Do not buy toys.
•Do not spoil your GC.
•Again consult with the parents.

BlueBelle Sun 18-Feb-18 05:50:17

Granofone the present is for you and your dreams ! a one year old will have no thoughts of what is good bad or ugly he ll probably play with the box anyway he certainly won’t know you ve bought it or remember it in a weeks time
Big is not necessarily best and as others have said if you have toy vouchers have another search the variety is endless
Enjoy your little ones first birthday don’t spoil it for yourself

TerriBull Sun 18-Feb-18 07:28:33

If he is likely to spend time at your home as he grows up then you could keep it for him. We have some of our grandchildrens' toys at our house when they come round.

J52 Sun 18-Feb-18 07:36:51

Excellent post Faye, sums gift giving up perfectly.

Nelliemoser Sun 18-Feb-18 07:37:33

If they have a small house and you want to buy sit and ride toy I can understand their point.
My daughter has the same problem with space in her house and garden
I would always suggest you ask the parents first. They are the ones who have to find somewhere to keep it.

OldMeg Sun 18-Feb-18 07:48:49

Why not give the toy voucher to the parents to choose something for him?

maryeliza54 Sun 18-Feb-18 07:54:14

If you go to MN and type in presents for one year old in search, you’ll find lots of brilliant ideas of all sizes and prices and opinions in how well used they were.. I like to buy something that I’ve thought of myself but then check it out with parents in case of duplicates. I have to say that in general big presents never seem to win the value for money award or pence per minute of play as we call it. I never buy anything that requires batteries.

Marydoll Sun 18-Feb-18 07:56:57

granafone, I can understand why you are hurt, but I'm sure your son and DIL are just trying to be practical and are probably worried about hurting you.
We wanted to buy our DGD a swing and agreed with DIl and DS, that it would stay in our garden, as their garden was small and DGD is here frequently. Everyone happy all round.
I find it's always best to check first about big toys,before buying.
Also I always remind myself, DGD is not MY daughter, so I always check that her parents are happy with my suggestions and respect their wishes.
Are you more upset about DIL's parents present being accepted over yours, than the actual "rejection" of your present?.
Ask for suggestions, plaster a big smile on your face and enjoy the party.
It's awfully hard being an MIL💐.

BlueBelle Sun 18-Feb-18 08:17:17

But it’s not a rejection is it ? You making it into one by your upset it’s just a sensible solution that it’s not practical to have two big presents maybe the other grandparents got in first or maybe you’re more approachable please don’t let it spoil your enjoyment of your little lad or make you anti the in law parents
Love comes in all shapes and sizes big isn’t always best
Have a lovely time at the party x

Ginny42 Sun 18-Feb-18 08:27:19

Faye, one or two of those suggestions are rather text book and not about people with feelings.

Greenfinch Sun 18-Feb-18 08:37:07

It would have been different if you had already bought the present then it would have been a rejection. My DS has a very big house and three children under 5 but he always asks for things with not too many bits which can get lost around the house. I would not have dreamed of being like that but I have to respect their wishes and always ask for suggestions which is the easy way out as they always have an idea which can be bought online.It works quite well as we always get to give the most wanted present and see the delight when it is received. This Christmas it was Baby Born for the eldest.As someone else has said the box often gives as much pleasure as the present and is something they enjoy with siblings.

Baggs Sun 18-Feb-18 08:57:49

A child doesn't need two walkers. It is not wrong to feel disappointed but it would be wrong to think you are being sidelined. Does your son know about the voucher and the fact that you can't afford much? It might be worth telling him, if only for future reference. Meanwhile I hope you can find another use for the voucher.

MawBroon Sun 18-Feb-18 09:15:33

Good advice here, but taking the amount of space the young family have at their disposal is important. Other than that, liaising with the other GPS can avoid expensive mistakes.
Does your DGS spend much time at your house, and how are you for space? You could make him even more eager to come to visit by having a good choice of indoor and outdoor toys “just for him”. A sit and ride Ladybird, Cosy Coupe car, slide and/ or sandtable, paddling pool etc.
Baby walkers only last so long anyway and you don’t need two (even if yours would have been better!)
If you really want to mark his first birthday, and who wouldn’t, you could give THEM the voucher to spend as they see fit and just get him something fun to wear for the day.
Don’t let it get to you, these things will happen again and again unless you take some “avoiding action” smile

Bathsheba Sun 18-Feb-18 09:20:30

Walkers are probably the most short-lived toys of all - children can only start to use them once they can manage to walk along with them on wobbly legs, then they're discarded as soon as they can walk unaided, which is only a matter of weeks!
As you hadn't actually bought the toy, it's not really a rejection. I expect your DS thought that when you sent him the link you were asking what he thought of it (otherwise why send the link, why not just buy, wrap and give it?). So I really wouldn't be too disappointed at him saying it's not what they want for their little boy. As you have a toy voucher I'm sure there will be plenty of other toys you can choose from.
Our DD lives in a tiny 2 bedroomed house and we have always asked her first before buying toys. It is a constant battle to keep the house free of clutter - every Christmas and birthday she has to ruthlessly cull older toys and sell them on or give them to charity as it is simply impossible to keep adding to the pile!

Granny23 Sun 18-Feb-18 09:23:33

I always liaise with the other Grandparents before Christmas and Birthdays to ensure we do not but the same things.

Having brought up 2 toddlers in a 2 bed maisonette, I appreciate the 'where to put a big toy' dilemma. Favourites were a play mat with all the bells and whistles which folded away at bed time and a box swing which hung on two hooks in a doorway - a great place to 'plank' a 1 year old while working in the kitchen.

Jane10 Sun 18-Feb-18 09:26:07

My DGS still hasn't even taken our Christmas present out if the box yet. I'm not surprised. He and his brother had so many many plastic creatures and other toys that one more just doesn't matter to him. Their playroom is just a sea of brightly coloured plastic. DD rakes the bits into boxes. All this is as a result of ridiculous expectations based on advertising.
The most successful things we've given as presents have been experiences like a day as a zoo keeper or organising a visit from a zoo at home company.
A one year old really won't remember his gift from you. Give a small toy and have some more at your house - a great reason to have him to visit when he's older.
I'm looking now at a complicated garage set that we keep in the sitting room ready for the boys. They make a beeline for it every time. Our bookcase is stacked with books for them as well as games that we have the time to spend playing with the DGSs unlike their busy parents. It's a marathon not a sprint being a Gran!

cornergran Sun 18-Feb-18 09:28:52

I’ve been thinking about your situation granofone and do understand your disappointment but I agree with others, two walkers aren’t needed and by saying so your son isn’t rejecting you, just your idea. It’s a compliment that he can be open with you, he may also be concerned about the expenditure for you. Our daughter in laws have huge families. One functions by very clear lists for people to pick, the other just by chatting when asked. Having said that I fell into the same trap as you before Christmas, had my heart set on a particular gift that had the child’s parents shuddering, again a space issue. It was something I had always wanted for our own children but couldn’t provide. Fortunately I realised what I had done and let the thought go. If your voucher is for any toy store then the large ones carry a huge range of items. Don’t be sad, there will be something there that will work, us grandparents learn as we go along and your little grandson truly won’t judge you by gifts, he’ll love you for being you.

Oopsadaisy12 Sun 18-Feb-18 09:32:03

Some excellent advice here, our DD had a small house and tiny back yard, we always cleared it with her before we bought them birthday and Christmas gifts as we weren’t always around to see what they already had. However, we have a large garden and we bought large gifts, some second hand and kept them here, and large indoor gifts were kept in the shed and brought out when they came to stay. That said I was usually asked to buy clothes for them when they were so young and a small gift as a token. We also opened a savings account for them and put small amounts in when we could.The gift they had the most fun With was the trampoline, they didn’t like the trampoline much because of the bugs that crawled out when they bounced, but my goodness the years of fun they had with the huge box! It became a canoe, a stage for puppets and umpteen other things. One of the nicest things our one year old GD received for her birthday was a framed, hand written poem made up especially for her, she is 14 now and still has it on her wall, everyone at the birthday party secretly wished that they had thought of it. There will be plenty of times that you can give gifts, try not to make birthdays and Christmas a competition. I think that giving the toy voucher to the parents to use is an excellent idea.