what should I do - son, partner, new baby

When my son was born 43 years ago, it was a home birth because I didn't want to leave my little daughter while I went to hospital. I think my mother got it just right. She came to stay the day after the baby was born. She helped out in all sorts of ways and went to bed from 7pm to 11pm so that my husband and I could have some time together and so that she would be able to get up in the night with the new baby. By the time she went home 9 days later, I had been able to have unbroken sleep every night and felt ready to take on the responsibilities of a mother to a toddler and new baby. My husband thought my Mum was brilliant too. Sadly she died very suddenly when she was 54.

I'm taking plenty of notes from all the wise advice here as I await the arrival of first grandchild in August. Every Saturday hubby and myself take first bus to fruit market and bring the goodies to expectant mums home. We leave it on the doorstep and walk home. I've added extras such as almond/wheat germ oil to the Saturday hampers. I try to think of little indulgences for my son's partner and the odd bottle of stout for both of them. We don't intrude, we get a chance to nourish their little family and our walks keep us fit for our new grandchild. They both tell us they love opening their weekly treats. Gently does it. When I had my babies I didn't want long staying guests, albeit family. I felt there was no one more capable than me to care for my babies. Visits of a couple of hours were enjoyable and thankfully our parents were sensitive enough to keep to that. While inside I'm bubbling with excitement about the new baby, I too will be happy with whatever time Im given. I stayed home and reared three children so I'm happy to now have a more leisurely life. I think the best support is telling both young parents that you are there for whatever they need you to do. Then praise, praise and more praise them. It's new territory for them and they need to be confident. Hopefully we'll have a healthy addition to the family - what more could we ask for?

I think you need to take a step
Back. Tensions do sometimes run high after having a baby. Take the high road. Ask your son to explain what’s wrong and see if he has any suggestions as to how you can most help.

When I had my children help would've been wonderful from a grand parent though I'd find it hard to have to host an extra visitor. But speaking as a Granny I'm also sad that it's become part of western culture to all live separately so a parent feels like a visitor rather than a member of the household. I also find that the younger generation who've had a more supported upbringing have a high expectation of continuing support from parents with childcare, money etc but little awareness of the feelings and needs of those parents. It's probably important to have boundaries which foster more awareness and mean everyone feels positive and enjoys the relationships rather than things getting too one sided. Having said that I love my grandchild to bits and feel blessed to spend any time with her.

DH & I had arranged with DD that when 1st DGS was born we would go & stay for a week. Baby decided to come early & DD had emergency C Section. Mad dash nearly 200 miles to support DD & her OH (who doesn't drive). Back & forth to Hospital for a couple of days before DD came home.

After 2 days at home D suggested that DH & I went out for the day which we did to give them time together as a family. I didn't interfere with her wishes, washing up was my job & shopping. After a week we went home leaving them to it although DD couldn't drive for another 4/5 weeks. I also took them to Register baby's birth.

When 2nd DGS was born last I had moved closer, about 30 mins drive, I was there to take DD home then I gave them a day together & went back following day to run errands. DD knew she only had to ask but this time she had a natural birth & was soon driving again. I always take my lead from DD which is probably why we have such a strong bond. DGSs & I have a mutual love even though sometimes I don't see much of them because of our commitments. It works for us. My DD would have been horrified if I had attended the birth but couldn't wait to show off both DGS soon afterwards.

mehimthem - the idea of 8 people in one house when there's a new baby is ridiculous in my opinion. The new baby and its immediate family need private time to bond - seems to me that everybody was a bit overly-sensitive, not surprisingly and your leaving must have been interpreted as your going off in a huff for whatever reason. I have my biological daughter within a mile of me, I was present at the birth (at home) of both my grandchildren. The other grandma was also present at the first birth but not the second as they live three hours' drive away. I also have a step-daughter who lives four hours' drive away from us and they don't have the accommodation to put us up so the relationship continues with us visiting and checking into a local b+b. It's expensive of course but there's no option. So, as others have said, why don't you visit but don't be on top of them by staying there, it's all too full-on, give them their privacy, and they'll welcome you more. I know there's a cost involved so that will determine how many visits you can make.