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Gone off in a huff

(183 Posts)
minxie Tue 06-Mar-18 09:48:13

So, I have a dog phobia and I've had it for as long as I can remember.
My Mil has a Dog and I haven't been there for a long time, (she lives two hours away) it worries me for days before hand and him indoors threw me last night by saying he wants me go with him on Mother's day to go visit. We had already booked to go for a Meal here or so I thought.
He told me I was selfish and making excuses, I don't Understand why I would be making excuses other than I'm scared of dogs.OH said they would put the dog in his cage, but that make me feel guilty. You can't keep a dog in a Cage all day and I swear Fil is hating me as his dog is locked in a cage all day. OH does a lot for my aged dad and I feel bad I can't reciprocate
So this Morning he's got up and gone out without word.
I don't know what to do

Alexa Tue 06-Mar-18 09:50:24

Can you get treatment for it?

kittylester Tue 06-Mar-18 09:51:08

Go! If they are prepared to put the dog in a cage they are meeting you halfway so you should compromise too especially if your Dh does a lot for your dad.

mrsmopp Tue 06-Mar-18 10:03:18

If you live 2 hours apart why not find somewhere in the middle where you can spend time together? A small town, a beauty spot, NT property, nice restaurant, anything. It would only be an hour away and you could have a nice time together and heal the breach. That's important, before it blows up out of all proportion.
What kind of dog is it? A Rottweiler? APoodle?

MissAdventure Tue 06-Mar-18 10:08:51

Couldn't the dog go into the kitchen or something?

Teetime Tue 06-Mar-18 10:13:58

This is a good example of give and take - you need to go minxie or find somewhere else you can all meet up. I think your DH needs some TLC when he comes back.

Madgran77 Tue 06-Mar-18 10:37:46

Go! They are compromising.

minxie Tue 06-Mar-18 10:42:51

It's a large greyhound, who have I have met through a Glass door. I have had some hypnotherapy before but clearly it doesn't seem to have worked.
It just fills me with dread for days before.
Meeting half way is not an option I'm afraid, maybe biting the bullet is the way to go, with a stiff drink

Nandipandy2 Tue 06-Mar-18 10:59:44

A phobia is a bit more than a fear. Face your fear and do it anyway. You will feel so proud of yourself . Ask yourself what's the worst that can happen? Really?

merlotgran Tue 06-Mar-18 10:59:45

How do you manage in every day life if you are so scared of dogs?

There are plenty about.

Oopsadaisy12 Tue 06-Mar-18 11:09:16

I think that your OH wasn’t being very helpful by stomping off, however I think that as they have offered to put the dog in a cage and I hope in another room with the door firmly closed, then I agree that it might be time to go there. It won’t do the dog any harm for 1 day, the only thing is , if you do it once you will be expected to cope and visit more frequently. Does anyone have a puppy that you could get used to holding? Or a small dog that would get you used to the animals? Not much use this close to Mother’s Day, but for the future.
I’m not going to mention that you’ll earn some Brownie points for going....

Auntieflo Tue 06-Mar-18 11:10:32

Minxie I feel so sorry for you. I have loved dogs all my life and can't imagine being scared of them, but do understand that you are. Other posters have suggested that you go and feel extremely proud if yourself. Can you do it? Screw up courage, keep your distance, he will be in a cage, and your MIL will appreciate your effort. Good luck.

Caledonai14 Tue 06-Mar-18 11:10:50

Two issues here which I wouldn't have understood before a friend came to visit when we had three dogs.

Her husband had been badly bitten as a child and was terror-struck so we guaranteed to keep the dogs away from him. Our daft, lolloping spaniel managed to escape the kitchen and bounded round the corner of the house, heading like a bullet for the guy with the phobia. It was an awful moment for him and for us and he has never been back as obviously we are not to be trusted. We learned a hard lesson that day and I'll never forget the fear on his face.

First, you need to get OH to talk to his parents. As dog lovers, they will not be intending keeping the animal in a cage all day. They can arrange to walk the dog or let it out in the garden, but need to understand this is as real for you as a fear of heights might be for another and they would not invite such a person to a clifftop restaurant. Your OH needs to understand this would be an ideal opportunity for fence mending (if needed) and the restoration of trust.

In our case there was a suspicion we had decided to let our scared friend see how lovely and gentle the dog could be and had "accidentally/deliberately" let it loose. We would never have done that, but I wish we had taken it more seriously and put at least 2 doors between spaniel and man.

You will all have to move a little on this. They will have to believe and you will have to trust.

Your OH is the key to all that and he can certainly help his dad understand better. I agree with many of the posts above and would add to that suggestion that most people know someone who will keep a well-behaved dog for a couple of hours if - say - it is too boisterous for a very tiny or frail visitor. Maybe they could start with that.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you can find a solution that makes Mother's Day a joy for you and your MIL. And your OH, who sounds like a very caring person.

Baggs Tue 06-Mar-18 11:22:32

Well said, Caledonail. People who have no phobias often have no idea how paralysing a phobia can be. One of my brothers has a phobia about bees and wasps. If one comes into a room where he is he freezes and whispers "Get it out!"

What your OH needs to understand, minxie, is the definition of phobia: it is an irrational fear, a terror that you cannot be reasoned out of. It doesn't sound as if he really gets that.

If his parents have said they'll put the dog in a cage, perhaps you should give the visit a go and even be apologetic about your phobia, saying that your fear is not under your control, it's irrational by definition.

I'm sorry it's stressing you out so much. I don't know what treatment there is but your GP might be able to help.

Let us know how it goes, or doesn't go!

Granarchist Tue 06-Mar-18 11:37:54

CBT therapy can be amazing like this. There was a very emotional Chris Evans show when one of his crew had a phobia of snakes - someone offered to help and after a lot of preparation etc. they broadcast live the moment when he was in the studio and the snake was brought in. Eventually he actually held the snake - it was an amazing moment and I have to admit I cried while listening. There is help out there. My own daughter has a bird (mostly pigeon) phobia and she is slowly getting braver as she does not want to pass this on to her children.

minxie Tue 06-Mar-18 11:48:15

How do I cope on a daily basis Merlot, with great difficulty sometimes, I don't go to parks or for country walks as some dog owners think we want to have them jump up on us phobics. They just seen to aim for me.
I think your right ladies, I need to go, an try. last time I went it was announced to the whole party that I had a Phobia, to explain why the dog was caged. I was very embarrassed. My Mil has a phobia about dead mice/birds and checks the garden before going out, and wouldn't go out if there was one there. So you think she would understand better

Baggs Tue 06-Mar-18 11:53:05

Don't be embarassed! Seriously! Other people should be embarassed about making it an issue that you have to cope with rather than them.

OldMeg Tue 06-Mar-18 12:12:17

Go. I have a dog crate that’s rarely used, but it’s there just in case. However, if this phobia is affecting your quality of life then why not try treatment?

Jalima1108 Tue 06-Mar-18 12:25:39

They just seen to aim for me. Yes, animals must sense something and perhaps are trying to show that they are in fact friendly! DH dislikes cats (not a phobia) but they always make a beeline for him and sit on his knee purring.

If the dog is going to be caged, then go and don't feel embarrassed if anyone mentions your phobia.
DGD has handled snakes and tarantulas as big as her hand but I would probably have fainted if I had been there when she did that or panicked and killed the spider.

Jalima1108 Tue 06-Mar-18 12:26:13

ps but I am OK looking at them through glass, quite fascinating!

jusnoneed Tue 06-Mar-18 12:37:56

If the dog is used to being in his cage there is no need to be feeling guilty. As long as they can get it out to go outside if needs be, with you no where near, you would hopefully be able to cope.
Agree to go for a couple of hours (make sure your husband agrees not to change the time once you're there) so you will know when you are leaving , maybe for lunch.

Jalima1108 Tue 06-Mar-18 12:42:52

Can you go there to pick them up then all go somewhere for lunch - pre-booked as it will be busy on Sunday?

cornergran Tue 06-Mar-18 12:47:28

I also think it would be sensible to go, minxie. Don't worry at all about the dog in the cage, your parents in law wouldn't have suggested it if there was a chance that the dog would be unhappy.

Why not message your husband and just say you have thought it through and it would be good to talk about it this evening as you will go. I hope he does understand how real this phobia is and imagine he feels caught between your needs and his desire to see his Mum on Sunday.

Perhaps ask for his reassurance that his parents really are happy to keep their dog in a cage while you are there.

I would also agree, its worth investigating some CBT to help you manage a very real fear. Your GP wouldn't laugh if you went and asked for help and as this is impacting your quality of life could well refer within the NHS. They would understand the courage it would take to seek help as would any therapist trained in CB.

Be brave, Sunday can be an enjoyable family day. I hope your parents in law will be sensitive this time.

Lynnebo Tue 06-Mar-18 12:54:40

I don’t blame OH for being in a grump. It seems he is trying to help by offering to have the dog caged while you are there but you are not having it and suggesting no other resolution. The in laws probably think that you just don’t like visiting them.
Think about ways you could visit and suggest it to hubby. At least appear as though you are trying!

Luckygirl Tue 06-Mar-18 13:12:26

I do not think that a fear of dogs can be defined as a phobia (which has to be irrational) as many people have very good reason to be afraid of dogs. It is a shame that your OH finds it hard to understand - but I do. It sometimes seems hard for some dog lovers to grasp this as loving dogs is second nature to them; but you are allowed to have your feelings and must not be made to feel abnormal.

I would not worry about a dog being in a cage while you are there - he probably won't be very enthusiastic but it will do no harm.

Dogs can be a darn nuisance! Owners should be happy to make sure that their animals are not a nuisance to others; and it does sound as though your in-laws are happy to do this.