Daughter asked by boyfriend if she wants a threesome

The private lives of adults are nobody's business except their own, especially when it comes to sex.
Time to let go Vik65. Or are you planning to supervise her life forever?
I'm afraid I'd be moving well away if I were your daughter.

Blooming cheek, reading her messages. Leave her private life alone!

The fact that the OP states that she has "access" to her daughter's messages sounds as if she is seeking them out rather than they are just randomly pop up on the screen.

I have raised 2 daughters and I did all the wrong things read their diaries stalked them on Facebook.
But to this day they don’t know...I realise it’s an invasion of privacy but at 16 yrs of age girl is vulnerable as a mother I needed to know.
So I gave each of them a very hard talking to about sex. That it’s great with the right guy who loves and respects you but there are the ones who are emotional bullies. They’re the ones even at my age who still snigger in a corner and say to their mates “I used to do her”
I told my daughters “ Don’t be haunted by grubby men like this”Then the talk about safe sex and condoms etc. I just brought up the subject of v disease and how syphilis can send you mad. Also the hard talk about drugs. I took them to a methodone clinic for an afternoon we just sat and watched people come and go when they were 15.
Both of these strategies worked no drugs no sleeping around with unsavoury guys They are both now married and have thanked me for being so tough. It’s important for young women to know they have the power to tell men and their friends to sit on it and spin if pressured to have sex or do drugs.
I am a mother first

The daughter in question is 19.

I would be worried if it were my 19 year old daughter.

Messages do pop up (Skype or FB and even e-mails) which you can read as they scroll up the screen - if you are using someone else's pc it's difficult to avoid reading them. That said I agree that really at 19 her sex life is her own affair and you shouldn't interfere. Her boyfriend could indeed have been joking or may be part of an earlier conversation taken out of context so best not to let on that you've seen his message.

Good for you Gigi. Realistic love.

Gigi.... Respect from me. Did exactly the same to my own DD. Couldn't be prouder of her . X

The DD in question is 19, not 16.

Of course mothers tell their daughters about the big bad world out there and the different types of men they may encounter. However, if you go on about it endlessly it could have the opposite effect to the one you wish, in that the daughters may rebel.

Were you really allowed to sit in a methadone clinic for an afternoon? Did none of the staff come and ask what you were doing there? That surprises me.

And - DC do not always tell their parents what they get up to.
And parents continue to worry about their DC (then their DGC) however old they are.

It comes with being a mother.

Vic65, if your daughters private messages are popping up for you to see, why the the great secrecy? Just mention to her that you couldn't help but see them and were concerned?

If you were given permission to use her computer and the message appeared as it does on messenger and internet explorer mail, although only part of the message you could say something. But it might not have been about sex. It could have been about including someone else in something else.

Just can't not worry

It's a mother's lot to worry I'm afraid. My daughter is 50 this year and still I worry about her.
A cheery prospect for you Vik

stop worrying, you can do nothing about this situation, unless you ask your daughter.
Please don’t do that or you will be posting on another thread on GN.
Accept that you should not have looked at a private message and move on.
And don’t do it again.
And like I said before it might not mean what you think, and if it does? Well so what? at least her boyfriend asked her first.

First you say she doesn't know you have access to her messages, then you say you had permission to use her computer and it just popped up.

Might be worth pointing out to her that this happens without mentioning what you read and to be careful who she gives permission to use her computer. Maybe she needs to adjust her settings.

I would be concerned if that were my daughter. 19 may be adult now but it’s still very young.
400 miles is a long way away, it’s probable that the relationship will fizzle out but I think i would still have a conversation with her, keeping it light. Only you know whether or not to mention what you read. Tough one, but that’s motherhood. Good luck.

As silverlining suggests, perhaps a chat with your DD without making it sound worried and without letting her know you have read her messages.
Letting her know that you know she is an adult, able to make her own decisions but you are her mother and will always worry about her.
You could invite the boyfriend to visit - sometimes seeing someone in your own home environment is enough to make you realise he 'doesn't fit in', although sometimes it takes a while to find that out.

Jalima wrote:

"The DD in question is 19, not 16."

But I say better late than never. Much depends on how sympathetically the communications are done. It's a sensitive area.

Yes, of course, Alexa but the chats between mother and daughter about respect for oneself and one's body should have taken place years ago and at 19 she may well not listen and tell her mother she is an adult and can do what she likes.

A mother chooses to read her adult daughter's messages from her boyfriend and then proceeds to spread that daughter's business all over social media!
Don't let's fool ourselves that this is a cosy chat amongst concerned friends. We all know that this could appear on F B or the Daily Mail.
Heaven help the mother/daughter relationship if this conversation does spread all over the media, as well it might.
This is not just a minor invasion of privacy but potentially a real betrayal.

We all know that this could appear on F B or the Daily Mail.
I do sometimes wonder about some threads mcem

Bluebelle and I worried about this thread, upthread. IYSWIM

I know Jalima. I agree should have been done years ago since childhood really. Communications depend on the nature of the present relationship. Even so, a throwaway remark maybe such as "Take care. There are some funny people out there." might be well received.

At least the boyfriend is asking her, and not springing it on her when she visits. In any case he could be referring to anything - eg eating out with a mutual friend, going to a film, or anything. Maybe he has a child from a previous relationship that he sees at weekends, or a family member that visits. Just make sure you are around and available in case she ever wants to talk, but don’t ask other than beyond the usual “did you have a nice weekend, do anything special?” Type questions.

I think you need to buy your own laptop of tablet if you can afford it. If you can read her messages she can probably read yours. What if someone were to private message you about this thread?