Mother's Will/am I wrong?

I have two daughters and everything is to be split 50/50. If one of them had ten children and a rich husband and the other not so much I would still make the same decision as I love them equally. Are children to be penalised because they have done well for themselves and seemingly better than their siblings? That seems to be what you are suggesting. Your brother could be in an accident tomorrow and end up disabled too!

I have not left any separate money or items for the grandchildren as it will be up to their parents to sort that out. The number of grandchildren is uneven on the two sides at the moment and I didn't want to get into the issue of splitting my assets in different percentages and anyway other grandchildren could be born after I'm gone.

It seems to me some 'Christians' put rather a lot of emphasis on money over living a good honest life! You will have no one to leave an inheritance to so may choose to leave some to a charity which your mother did not favour but that would be your choice, just as her will is her choice. My advice to you would be 'put up and shut up!

Sorry about typos, I pressed post instead of preview - here is corrected version:

Will’s are not necessarily about what is right, they are about the will (wish) of the writer. Your mother’s wish is to honour her husband’s wishes, end of matter.

I do sympathise with you and it is very unfair that you will not have the means to make your life more comfortable, while your nephew may end up with far more than he needs to live comfortably. But life is not fair in this world. As you are a Christian why not talk it over with your vicar - not for him to do anything about it, but in order to try to achieve some peace of mind on the matter. Keep in mind the Beatitudes, try to accept that you may always be poor materially, that your life will be hard due to your disability, but this is the cross you have to bear in this life. May God bless you and comfort you and give you strength.

I am so sorry that you feel so very upset by your mothers decision about her will. Can you speak to your church minister or someone about all this, perhaps in a neighbouring area if you want to maintain confidentiality?

Please don’t fall out with any of your family about this, although I can feel how hurt you are. Your mother is also feeling hurt and upset, I imagine, and perhaps trying to please everyone including your late father. Logic doesn’t come into matters like this, and your mother is trying to do what she believes he wanted. ?

Perhaps you are looking for a sign that your mother listens, cares and loves you.
If she changed her will you'd believe she was acknowledging you at last.
Before it is too late.

If my lot queried my will they would get a short answer . My possesions are my business , the fact that I help the poorest child goes unremarked , they do not seem to be depending on my demise , or if so , they are hiding it pretty well

You have stated that you've worked all your life and have a comfortable lifestyle.
Yet then mention that you very nearly
ended up/could end up homeless and living in a shelter .
How does that make sense?

It's not your money, you have no moral or legal right to expect it. The fact that your mother sounds a bit of a bitch (sorry, only have your description to go on) doesn't make any difference to this; it's normal for debts to be repaid before probate is settled, it's a convenient timesaver to take your debt out of your inheritance rather than requiring you to repay it before bequests are made. It might make a difference to the will if you keep on telling her how much she should be leaving to other people - the nicest person in the world might feel that as you are only considering them as a future ATM and you don't really value a good close relationship. My advice would be to stop all discussion of the will and enjoy spending time with your mother while she is alive - or decide that she isn't someone you like enough to spend a lot of time on. Either way, anything you are left by another person is a gift, not a right, not a negotiated bonus and not calculated on your assessment of deserving need.

On an opposing note, my brother has just died and no one could find a Will despite searching by the Solicitor I appointed, banks, building societies, his entire house ...so I have been declared the sole inheritor ,,,,I am not entirely sure that is what he would have wanted, and I did urge him some years ago to write a Will when I sent him a copy of mine 'just in case' so he knew what I wanted ....now I have no idea of his wishes, but want to try my best to think of what he would have wanted ..he was a rail enthusiast, and did once tell me he had left his house to the Railway Museum in York, but as there is no Will, I have no idea if this would have been his final wish. I have listed his good friends, societies he belonged to, Steam enthusiasts and restorers of trains and museums, and when Probate it finalised and I know the amount I am going to try to disperse his Estate as I THINK he would have wished ...but I really am upset he never left a Will and so all his Estate may not go to those he would have wished it to ........so anyone out there who has not done so PLEASE make a Will before it is too late !!!!

It might have been better if your mother had never discussed her will with you at all. Then you might have more of a chance to have a better relationship with her now.
It's her will. Her money. It's up to her how she leaves it. Nobody ever said life was fair.?

I think you are all being so hard. When you have children you see their life and how it pans out. Treating them the same can sometimes be unfair and perhaps one needs more help than the others. I can understand totally how Irishjig was hoping to get help from her parents in later life and it sounds as though her mother is being thoughtless. I agree we are only seeing one side and my opinion could change if I heard the mothers and but others sides.

That should be mothers and brothers sides.

Irishjig whether we agree/disagree or are sympathetic/unsympathetic what difference will this make? You can hardly expect that any opinions we express are going to influence your mother, can you?

You are going to have to accept her decision and make what provision you can for your own future.

Oh dear. You aren't going to like what I think. It isn't your money. It is for your mother to do with as she pleases - and it doesn't have to be fair, even. Also, from the way you speak, it sounds to me rather as if you resent your parents for spending THEIR OWN money on themselves. Too bad - it was theirs, not yours, and any that you have been given/loaned you should regard as a real benefit. I can appreciate that you feel that your brother and the nephew are in better financial positions than you, and need the money less. Indeed, this may very well be the case. However, it still isn't for you to say. We come into this world with nothing. We leave it the same way. Anything which is given to us during our lives is a gift, and should be regarded in that light. Don't be so ungrateful for what you WILL receive. I hope you and your mother can speak again, but I am really not surprised she doesn't want to talk to you just right now....neither would I. I have been harsh, and i don't know your circumstances, but whatever your need, it cannot supersede your mother's wish - or our parents should all live in fear of us demanding what we feel is our right, irrespective of their wishes.

Wow that's a hard and horrible one to grapple with ... i wonder how i'd react if i were your mother (not get in that situation first i hope)

Depends how much she is thinking about YOU and your needs... and it almost sounds as though you feel you are not top of her priority list... ahhh well... her money and her choice

Her comments about your dad's thoughts are an easy way for her to stop the discussion flat .... she's not going to change it now is she?

I CERTAINLY wouldn't quarrel with her... be sensible here ... i'd leave the discussion ... you know she isn't going to change her Will... live with it and when she dies at least (you hope) she has left some provision for YOU ...

I really do appreciate how hurtful you are finding the whole affair but you can't change it so don't dwell on it ....

This old prayer has a lot to commend it ...
Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Good luck my dear .... so many of us have probably grappled with unfair Wills ....
I've certainly done MY very best to be scrupulously fair (and above board) with my children and grandchildren ... and hope eventually that they all enjoy their "gift from god" ...

I don’t agree at all amt I have one child who is better off than the other two put together but they will all get totally equal stakes all three are my children I love all three equally and they will all get a third of whatever is left when I go

What if the mother changed the will to irishjigs wishes then she (irishjig) met and married a rich man ( could happen) at the same time the brother had an accident and couldn’t work again (again could happen) Would that be fair ? of course not the mother is doing exactly the right thing and giving both her children an equal share The fact that Irish’s father wanted his grandchild to have a share is for only the mother to know and to honour

Irishjig should have no knowledge of the will until the day it is read after the mother’s death

It’s your mother’s money/property to leave entirely as she wishes, you seem to have a disproportionate sense of entitlement and jealousy.

This discussion has put me in mind of some neighbours of mine who regularly openly discussed in detail what they were going to do with the wife's inheritance when her mother died. They always interjected the words "God forbid" this caused us much amusement at the time and remains a joke saying between DH & I. Interestingly, mother outlasted both of them.

Sadly it seems that there's nothing like a Will to divide a family. In the UK, the simple truth is that a Will is a person's decision about what happens to their "assets" and this is (nearly always) legally binding. (In some countries parents MUST leave monies to children - regardless of any wishes otherwise!!) "Rights" & "Wrongs" don't come into it, unless the law has been broken. Tough, perhaps, but true.
(Pamish, I don't know where you live, (London perhaps?) but last year my MiL was paying considerably less than £5000 a month, and this was for a good nursing home in the SW of England.)

interjected inserted ? End of day & I'm tired.

You asked if you are wrong

Yes, you are, but you are unwilling or unable to read over 90 posts and see the reasons why.

I find it very odd that you are even discussing the will with your mother. Inheritance is a privilege, not a right. There was huge upset in my family when 2 nieces contested a will. The only people who 'won' were the solicitors, and relations will never be the same again. Just be friends with your mother while you have her, and be grateful for anything she wills to you. Just a thought, if she ended up in care you would get next to nothing, and also have many regrets.

My father left my brother and I 50/50 each in his will. My brother is financially better off than me but I never expected to get more of my father's assets because of this.

My DH was in a situation where his mother cut him out of her Will because he 'wasn't what a son should be'. He found out by chance that she had done this, and broke off all contact with her as he was so upset and angry that money should be a way to hurt him. He was a good son to her, more than she deserved actually, and eventually they made their peace before she died.

It wasn't the money, it was the sentiment behind it that caused the upset and from what you have written Irishjig I sense you feel the same way. Giving/not giving out money is somehow a way of your mother sending you a message as you see it.

Leave it be. As you are not estranged, carry on with your relationship and take each day as it comes. Focus on your life, what you want, or are able to do. There is never a time in life to give up. Seek out new friendships, interests or hobbies - I find new interests tend to just happen, you just need to be open to opportunities.

Those who have money to leave to others are in a good position and sometimes it can cloud their thinking, as I have seen first hand. It isn't pleasant if this is the case, but just accept and carry on with your life.

All the best. x

If you had told us the story about the will after your mother had died we might have agreed that it does seem a bit harsh, given your circumstances.
But two things have happened. Your mother has foolishly told you the contents. You have criticised her proposals.
Both of these actions were unwise and have led to this uncomfortable scenario.

Legally she has the right to do whatever she wants with her money. So in that sense she is “right”.
Then there is the possibility that all her funds may get used up in care needs before she dies, leaving next to nothing.

You appear to have endangered your relationship with your mum, which could cause her to change her will and leave you nothing.
So it is up to you now. If you want to stay friends and close to your family, you have to move on and accept what she has decided. Or remain bitter and estranged.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear.

It is every person's right to decide what to put in their Will. Whether this is not what others want is immaterial. The very wording is clear - this is MY will and testament.....

It is not about fairness, relationships or even previous intentions. The law allows for intervention where there has been proven interference or forced Will making. It is always possible to consider challenging a Will (after death) but there has to be very good reasons, such as the Will maker was responsible for the appellant; provided money for the appellant's living costs or otherwise helped with monetary payments.

Consider what could happen; that 40% could be removed altogether. Many times seeking to have a Will made more favourable has resulted in the opposite.