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Horrid neighbour

(42 Posts)
Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 12:00:12

I joined really for someone to chat to and to just have a bit of support. It’s a long story which would take too long to go through really and I hope I don’t seem a weak victim as I really do feel like one. We have lived here nine years now, we were never welcome from the first day with the elderly couple next door due to owning a big van, apparently we should beggar off pheasants. Seven years of bullying ensued, we videoed things which the police told us to. We were victimised and ignored everything. I kept a long diary until us ignoring them made the wife move on whom we do think suffered with narcissism she was an alcoholic as well and seem to take it all out on us. 2014 my Mam developed dementia rapidly and I cared for her, she got bladder cancer and I in the end had to register her into a care home, I was with her when she died. My daughter at the same time moved three hours away with her job. Depression set in and hasn’t really gone. Both were my life. The drives are along each other on our property with a gravel soak away in between we put on our property posts and chains as they used our drive to get to their garage. Recently he has been back to bullying me very passive bullying. Speaking to me, staring when I back my car out which has a gap three inch either side because of the boundary and generally passive bullying. I coped before but that was before all the things with Mam etc and it has made me feel worthless. I ignore everything and walk past to the garage, get car out and drive off. Is this correct, I feel so useless and alone in all this. I don’t want to interact with him as I regard him as a waste of my time and I have other things to worry about but I do feel weak. Any help would be nice x

gillybob Wed 16-May-18 12:51:29

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering at the hands of a horrible neighbour. Sadly there are quite a few of them about. I'm not sure if your'e in the UK Guineagirl but my elderly parents suffered years of abuse from a young (drug addict) neighbour. I found some very useful information on the organisation Neighbours from Hell (in Britain) website.

I hope you can find some useful tips and advice there. Don't suffer in silence ! Good luck.

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 14:41:09

Yes I’m in the UK Gillybob. I was a member of the forum when the bullying was at it’s awful peak. I’m not a member now, the passive bullying was commonly seen on NBFH forum, there’s the imitating as well that they do. I’m sure your parents were getting the same thing. I think there seems to be a hierarchy thing here. When he’s out it’s like a cloud has gone.

gillybob Wed 16-May-18 14:55:13

Have you spoken to the police Guineagirl even unofficially? Also the local authority? They appointed a neighbourhood dispute liaison officer when my mum and dad were suffering like this. Sadly the only outcome was to help them by pulling a few strings to enable them to move house but it may be different for you,

Reading your post again it would seem you have had an awful lot to cope with in the last few years and these nasty people are just adding to your stress.

Also I'm sure there have been other threads on GN about nasty neighbours. Not sure if you can do a search for them at the top of the page, unless someone else can point you in the right direction.

LiveandLearn Wed 16-May-18 15:02:10

I really sympathise with your dilemma Guineagirl. You are not weak, you have been ground down by 9 years of bullying and the stress of losing your dear mum. Apart from the neighbour situation I think it would be helpful for you to find some bereavement counselling through an organisation such as

We had a bad situation with our previous neighbour which in the end I felt unable to cope with, so we moved house last year. The feeling of relief is wonderful. The new neighbours are 'normal' and pleasant, and I no longer have to check that he's not outside before I leave the house, or have rising anxiety whenever I return home, wondering if he will be on his drive (he would spend about 6 hours a day out the front with his garage door open).

Is it feasible for you to move house? Some people can ignore a bad atmosphere with neighbours and forget it once behind their own front door, but for me, and it seems for you also, the sanctuary of my home was ruined by my neighbour's behaviour and the atmosphere it cast over our home.

Unless he can be civil when he talks to you then, yes, I would ignore him as you have been doing.

What does your husband/partner say about all of this?

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 15:10:13

Gillybob I’m glad they found peace in the end. At the peak yes I sought help from the police but they were no use really. I still have my diary it was pages and pages long.

Besstwishes Wed 16-May-18 15:15:18

I would just move away, life’s too short to be so miserable.

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 15:16:57

Thank you Liveandlearn I was upset reading your reply as it’s just nice someone understands. I did speak cruise last year and counselling but I’m still as bad. Yes I would love to move but this was supposed to be our last move, my husband doesn’t listen if I bring it up. The horrid man ignores my husband, he seems to single me out. So I don’t feel supported really. Everything is out of sight of people. I just don’t feel like the person who coped years ago. Heck your neighbour is identical, thinks he owns the drive and does the same garage door up polishing cars and revving bikes, he’s 80. I smiled the same as you I literally feel sick returning to my own home and do any jobs outside when he is out. I cleaned my fascia son Friday, he came out said nice morning and cleaned his. I like you feel the same anxiety but feel watched even inside. You sound so happy to have moved, life is too short and not knowing what is round the corner makes me just ignore him but it’s the feeling sick that’s awful.

allsortsofbags Wed 16-May-18 15:28:26

What a difficult situation for you to be dealing with and you've been in a stressful position for so long too.

I can't give you any suggestions as you seem to have been very proactive in dealing with your neighbour but one thing I do know is that the GNers will help and support you as much as they can.

We had only 3 years of a difficult neighbour before we moved so how you have managed for 9 years I don't know.

You are clearly a strong person but by what you've written you have just had too much hurt to deal with and your ability to deal with their (rude word) has all been used up.

I hope you get some help and that you find the support you need at this time.

Sorry I can't offer you more, take care and hope you find a way through this difficult time flowers

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 15:55:39

Thank you allsortsofbags for your compliment. Yes my inner strength I guess was used up a while ago going through the times with my Mam and daughter. I hope I can keep coming on here if only to moan to others who understand. Living here I’ve had to keep emotions in check so as not to give anything away to next door that they could us. my friend commented in her words, how you get your car out that gap and stay here you deserve a medal. She has witnessed the staring but asked for my permission to say something and literally asked him why he stares at women 🙂. That’s the trouble I am a strong person and I believe he is still trying to get me to move. I’ll keep posting. I’ve been reading neighbour threads too x

LiveandLearn Wed 16-May-18 16:05:23

Oh Guineagirl, there's so much going on here. You need and deserve the support of your husband in this situation. His attitude of not listening is only exacerbating your feelings of worthlessness by signalling that your concerns don't matter. Is he sympathetic on the issues of your mum's passing and your daughter moving away? Is he aware how deeply this is affecting you? My husband hadn't realised how much our neighbour was affecting me until I broke down sobbing one day.

We had planned to move in a few years' time for our last move (to the coast), so it wasn't great timing financially and means that we still plan to move when husband retires in about 5 years, but the upheaval and cost of moving pales into insignificance against the benefits of being here, in my kitchen, feeling at peace in my sanctuary.

Like you I would do outside jobs when I knew he wasn't around, and when they went on holiday - oh my word I would practically skip down the drive to the car. When they returned, the weight would land on my chest again. It's funny because he also does the revving bikes thing, but rather than polishing cars he would be tinkering with his caravan.

Like my old neighbour, yours is a very unhappy man. Happy people don't intimidate and bully others. He gains satisfaction from getting a reaction out of you so best not to engage and give him what he wants. We never had the imitation thing thankfully - what a weirdo.

I relate completely to the sick feeling you have. At it's worst I even considered parking in the next road and walking across a field and up an embankment to get into our back garden rather than risk encountering the neighbour outside!

Perhaps you should give Cruse another try. Counsellors are all different, and maybe a different counsellor would be a better match for you. Do you have anyone you can talk to about your mum?

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 16:46:15

Oh my I hope you find peace too. It’s great someone gets what the awful neighbours do. You sound the same, want peace, and have excellent boundaries which they don’t have whether that’s physical or the staring kind. When he goes away the sick feeling just isn’t there which to be fair is a few days a year. Yeah the revving is to create noise and get you to move, usually because he knows his neighbour is quiet. I suppose I’ve done a lot of mindfulness over this and I know he’s a miserable man. My husband does have the same empty nest feelings as me though but no I have no one to talk to about my Mam. I still see her last gasp at the care home it was very sad. I miss her so much not having a Mam is a horrible thing to deal with. My husband isn’t a listening husband, he’s a bit of a caveman and doesn’t get emotions and how they affect women.

GillT57 Wed 16-May-18 17:01:12

A terrible situation to be in, we all want our home to be our sanctuary, our safe place, and when that is taken away it can leave you a bit adrift. Add to this the death of your Mother, and your daughter moving away and it is no wonder you are feeling very down. I know it is easy for me to say, but have you tried just looking him in the eye and saying 'good morning' or whatever is applicable, and then just walk on, carry on with what you are doing? Like all small time bullies, he will carry on as long as he thinks he is getting under your skin, and maybe, just maybe, a defiant look in his face, might make him blink first so to speak. I do appreciate it is simpler for me to say than for you to do, but could you give it a try? Also, your husband does need to be more supportive; does he understand just how you feel? I do hope you can resolve this awful situation.

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 17:27:53

GillT57. I tried half an hour ago to bring the subject of me feeling sick again he just stared and didn’t speak, which then makes me feel worthless. I said I feel trapped living here like this. With this man i think he would see anything as getting a reaction, which is what he wants. It’s a hard situation to know how to deal with in the right way. I think he wants a response to make him feel validated if that makes sense.

GillT57 Wed 16-May-18 17:38:22

I don't wish to be rude, Guineagirl but I think you have a bigger problem with your husband than with your neighbour. If he cannot even speak to you when you have been bereaved, lost regular contact with your daughter and feel intimidated by your neighbour, then he needs a shake. Does he always just look at you, without saying anything, when you ask for help and understanding? Or is it just about the current house situation?

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 18:05:17

He’s always this way GillT57. The way I self talk to myself is the way I would help a friend by making her feel good that what she is doing and how she has been doing is great to make her know she isn’t the problem. I would also give this pep talk to him about anything but sadly no I get no reassurance or affirmation. My self esteem is at rock bottom now. For all I know NFH can spot I don’t look like I used to and is using it. You aren’t rude, I take criticism quite well 🙋🏻

GillT57 Wed 16-May-18 18:17:25

Glad I didn't offend you! I think you need to get some help to increase your confidence, maybe that will help to make your husband listen to you, to speak to you. Maybe he just doesn't know what to say for fear of upsetting you further, so is saying nothing. Do you have any friends you could speak to? Maybe a visit to your GP, or another visit to Cruse; grieving is not an exact process and we all behave differently. Maybe your husband is also grieving for the changes in your joint life. If you find it hard to get a reply from him why not try writing him a letter, telling him how you feel? It is sometimes easier without the risk of getting emotional and bursting into tears as you speak.

Guineagirl Wed 16-May-18 18:50:38

Thank you, yes I agree I do get emotional and even after 2 years still grieving x

harrigran Thu 17-May-18 08:55:36

I don't agree that police can not help. We had drug addicts living in rented property in our street, the police were able to go to the landlord and told him to evict the tenants because failure to do so would result in him being barred from renting out the property again. Turns out the landlord was a relative and was relieved to be able to rid himself of his asbo tenants. The police were in our street daily and called and gave us updates on progress.

gillybob Thu 17-May-18 09:29:37

My parents lived a nightmare for years with a drug addict in the (LA) flat next door to them. The police were completely useless and I still believe that she was on either some kind of protection program or else she (or a member of her notorious family) was a police informant. I remember one Christmas day she decided to set her wheelie bin on fire (for something to do) right outside my mums window, the FB and the police were called as the fire had spread to an old sofa she sat on outside to entertain her "fellow drunks and addicts" and they actually laughed and joked with her . My ( very mild mannered) DH went out to the police and reminded them it was Christmas Day, my mum was seriously ill and could take no more, he was told by the police in that patronising manner only they use " just go inside sir" No sympathy, no apology, no arrest. This was just one example of a catalogue of cr*p my parents lived with for years.

Guineagirl Thu 17-May-18 10:18:00

Awful gillybob, I think it was easier to befriend the bully in your Mums case than put in the work to help her. It must of been frightening and stressful for her and for you trying to help her.

The police don’t always help in bullying, in my case I had no proof that masturbation leaflets, wrinkle cream leaflets etc were sent from them. When the postman brought the post they tooted their car horn, mmm no proof though.

Jaycee5 Thu 17-May-18 10:50:06

Guineagirl. It was the same for me. The gang that were tormenting my neighbour broke into another neighbours van. He chased them off and found that one of them had dropped his driving licence in the van. Neither that nor the fact that he had seen them was enough evidence. When they threatened me, I rang the police and they said that they would ask them if they were prepared to leave. When I said 'but they threatened me' they just shrugged their shoulders. A bit later I looked out and they were laughing and joking with them. By that time there were about 10 of the men who were in the late 30s. The police actually made things worse. I made a complaint but it was put on the police computer and after that when I had to call the police (which happened frequently until the neighbour they were targeting was hospitalise), I could tell when they had pulled up my address on the computer and the complaint came up as they became passive aggressively unhelpful. I spent 12 minutes on the phone trying to persuade them to come out when I could hear someone in her flat smashing it up.

Luckily it has been quiet since she has been away but it is still her flat so we cannot totally relax.

People still have to try them though because they probably vary.

Grampie Thu 17-May-18 10:58:00

Bear in mind that if you do sell to move away that as vendor you’ll be obliged to declare disputes with your neighbours.

One advantage of renting I suppose.

Yellowmellow Thu 17-May-18 11:12:41

You don't have to tolerate these people. I work for an Anti-Social Behaviour team. Report this person. You will be visited by a member of the team. Usually a Community Safety Officer PCSO, who will discuss with you the best steps forward. There is also a mediation service (which I doubt your bullying neighbour will attend). Once you bring in the ASB team and make it official I'm sure he will sit up and take note! Please don't be afraid to go head on with this man. the team will take up the case. If he ups the will they xx

vickya Thu 17-May-18 11:19:20

Guineagirl, would it be possible to have a break away from the house to de=stress and give yourself a change of scene? Maybe your husband would go somewhere or could you stay with your daughter for a few weeks? Is there a grandchild and has she got room?