Almost no contact with adult grandchildren

We haven't always lived very close to them, but we have always had at least one (often more) family holiday a year with my parents-in-law and always got together with them at birthdays and Christmases. As a consequence our children have grown up seeing a lot of their grandparents and the big occasions in their lives (e.g. graduation, weddings) have all included their grandparents. Once they got to be teenagers my children and parents-in-law began to arrange their own meetings outside of big family events and this has continued. My father-in-law goes sailing with my youngest son and attends financial seminars with my oldest; my mother-in-law goes shopping with my youngest daughter and I think at some stage all of my children have been on holiday post-teens with their grandparents.
Relationships can't be forced and young people need time to spread their wings - but the love invested in them when they were younger will never be wasted and hopefully will be remembered with a fondness that eventually causes them to want to get in touch more often.

I have come to the conclusion that getting older does bring in its train a series of losses. The best way of dealing with this is acceptance and having new things up your sleeve to bring you happiness in the next phase of your life.

I to found this hard ,I had my grandchildren every weekend and we had such fun! Making things,nature walks,stories ,my granddaughter Molly always wanted me to go girls shopping with me,and we had fun trying to on hats,make up ,getting samples and looking at clothes,and on her birthday she wanted me to go out shopping with her,and one year she said she was going with a friend,I said that's brilliant ,went home shut the door and howled!!! Since then I rarely see them ,they are 16 and 17 now,they both say I'm the best fun nan ever,which is lovely,but I long to see them so much,

Of course so many grandparent s do not have what I have had,I saw them both born and love them so dearly,I had a birthday last week and thought I might get a card ,but I didn't ,I even joined Facebook to say hello to them but they never answer
It does make me feel a bit empty,it's gone from seei them a lot to nothing and it happened so quickly.

My children have no grandparents but my youngest Son's Gf does quite a lot with her Nan, taking her shopping once a week, phones for a chat most days etc but it seems the more she does the more her Nan expects. She keeps saying she's lonely but has a really active social life with all her clubs etc. It seems her evenings are when she feels it most when everyone is busy with their own lives. Twice lately they have been manipulated into changing their plans because Nan is lonely, so Nan spent the whole day here but apart from a bar b q all she did was watch tv and fall asleep. I offered to stay with her but no it had to be them as she didn't want to put me out. I can't go anywhere anyway as I'm on crutches so hardly putting me out. I'm at a loss as to what to suggest to them but she's pushing them away with the demands on their time. His GF has already said she's going to be less available which is sad but I can see it from both sides. I think in the OP's case I'd just back off a bit, as you say your son rings a lot why not after a while just come out and say how nice it would be to meet up from time to time and see what happens. A bit of honesty can go a long way.

I think the modern world is different from years ago regarding where people live. Years ago families tended to live in the same area and it was easy to keep in touch. Nowadays, people move away for work. My children do not live locally and I have moved away from my home town.

Also, people used to have more children years ago so there must have often been far more grandchildren per couple. Very likely, two or three of them would have kept in close contact and it might not have been so noticeable if several others weren't seen or heard of for a while.

If I were you, I wouldn't make too much fuss. I'd touch base with them once a week and no more. If they don't hear from you, it might just galvanise them into action and they may contact you.

My children are 20 something graduates living in London, both having a great time. My mother is 92 and lives alone in the Midlands, we are 60's and live in the South West. Children only come "home" maybe 4-5 times a year, otherwise we visit them in London. We make sure that there are arrangements in place for them to see my mother at Christmas time and for her birthday, otherwise they just have a chat on the phone from time to time. I think if there is a bit of structure to the arrangements they work better than just letting months go by and nothing being sorted out.

Thanks everyone, you have all helped.

The only time usually my Adult children see their Grandparents (the ones still living) are if I organise get togethers. Most of the time the problem is distance as we live hundreds of miles away from each other except for us and our youngest DD and her family who live in the same town as us.

Last year we did a big family holiday which I organised to include the octagenarians and the small GC and to be honest it was a nightmare with both the youngest and the oldest needing a lot of assistance and organising.

We use whats app to keep in touch and even my mum can use this. She is 83 this year.

We are gentle rippling to the edge of the pond now but I expected it. We love to see everybody when we can and enjoyed a catch up yesterday but the close contact of small grandchildren has gone, we are pleased to see them living their own lives. My old mum saw herself as at the head of the family but I don't think I would get away with that. None of us likes change but if there have been no rows and there is some contact I think its best to go with the flow!

I find it difficult without my family calling in, not helped by not being able to go out and mix with people. Miss the laughter.

Let them go and they'll always come back. Wise words I heard years ago. It always hurts when children or grandchildren grow up and fly the nest. Your feelings have actually brought tears to my eyes, as they probably have to others on this post. Don't give way to making them feel guilty, as my mother did, all that does is build up resentment. It's inevitable that your Grandchildren will move on and become independent, but you have helped give the the grounding for this, as you should. Be proud of yourself. Try to fill your life with other things, don't brood on it, they will come back.

Bide your time lucky legs my boys lost interest in visiting any relatives through their teenage and early twenties, it wasn't until they had their own families that they couldn't wait to show their grandparents their children, they then seemed to enjoy the closeness of having an extended family.Although my mum is a force to be reckoned with she insists on ringing them every week and expects to see them regularly to which they sometimes complain they haven't got the time. But on the whole they do oblige. Good luck.

young adults naturally drift away then come back to family more when they start thinking about settling down themselves.

It means you did something right & they're out there finding their way for now.

Sadly life today is nothing like it was when we were young. Grandparents were inportant as were aunts and uncles. I would visit them regularly until they died. My parents were wonderful grandparents and were very close to my children. But today I can't say I am close to some of my children let alone my grandchildren. If I am prepared to give them money they are in touch but I don't want to have to buy their attention. So I am just going to live my life with my husband and hopefully enjoy the times when we do see them
We have a big family gathering at the end of the month but can't say I am looking forward to it.

I was very close to my eldest two GC when they were growing up and now they are both in their twenties and in stable relationships. DGS keeps in regular contact by email or Viber and when possible we meet up for a meal together and he and his partner come and stay with us. DGD is getting married next summer and wants me to go with her and her mother wedding dress shopping in a month or so. She keeps in regular contact and always asking us to visit her and arranges for us to go out to breakfast or lunch together. She also comes to visit us when she can. There was a period when they were in their teens when we did not see them so often but a visit and outing for lunch was always welcome when GS was at Uni!
The other two live in the States so it is a different relationship altogether by force of circumstances.
My own children kept close contact with their grandparents until the end of their lives. I do consider myself very lucky with them all.

Eglantine21, what lovely words. My family consists of my DM who is 89 & still lives in the same Yorkshire village where she was born. I after a series of moves live in Devon, my DD along with DGS1 (8) & DGS2 (1) live about 10 miles from me (I moved to be closer to them after I was widowed). I visit DM twice a year. DD & DGSs go to visit her once a year. I see DD & DGSs on an " ad hoc" basis, we meet when time & commitments allow. I have a lot of interests & friends, so different from when I grew up where family lived within a few miles of each other.

Life has changed, there is greater mobility & contact is now often by telephone or increasingly social media, such as facebook, skype etc or text. Letters are a rarity but physical cards are always sent in our family for Birthdays & Christmas.

You can only be there for them when they want to see you.
GC's lives become an exciting experience, making their own way in life's hectic schedule.
Be happy that they are, hopefully, happy.
You have done your bit being in their formative years.

I like Eglantine’s analogy that we ripple out from the centre of family life.
I also now see myself as a link in a chain, my grandparents and parents before me, children, grandchildren, and small great granddaughter after me.

Listening to others and always having been a very hands on Nanny, I realised that teenage grandchildren would start living their own lives to the full, so I have prepared myself for that, and we all gave them the confidence to enable them to do that. My eldest granddaughter was 16 so in her card I just put “ fly high baby girl, and Nanny will always be here when you need to rest your wings” .... despite exams, 1st love, and a little weekend job, I still get lots of calls and texts and she even asked advice on her prom dress ... so I know the dynamics of our relationship will change, but as we have always been so close, I know that bond will not be broken. Meanwhile, I have another 4 to keep me busy !

Wise & lovely words Eglantine21. I too shall remember your analogy in years to come! Our GC are only 6y and 16 months & we see a great deal of them now - but further down the road, who knows?

One (there are a few) of my big regrets. I know that I was like that when in my late teens and onwards. I feel sorry now, thinking how selfish I was, she was such a lovely Nan, and it must have been hurtful for her. Her son, my Dad, did encourage me to attend family get togethers where I would see her, he was a very good son.

I was so into my new life with boyfriends, work, going out. Then she died when I was about 21.

It's sad for you, I can only suggest you try and arrange a fun family day occasionally and ask g/c direct if they'd come as it would mean so much to you to see the generations together.

That's just about it Luckygirl I am glad they are getting on with their lives and are independent & happy. As you say we did our job well to achieve this.

I think we just have to accept life as it is and be prepared to be on the periphery a bit now. Job done - time to do some of the things we had no time for.

I agree with you about moving to the periphery of the family. Our adult GC also work unsocial hours, have partners, live a little further away and now have babies coming along but they do make some effort to have a get together now and then and most years we manage a holiday at the coast in the U.K. and as many as are free make it there which is so lovely.

It’s exactly how life is lucky I was so close to my Nan I adored her and saw her every day but once the boyfriend (then) husband came along I was off. starting my own life I kept in touch by letter as we went overseas and she was regularly in my mind but for a good number of years I only saw her very irregularly Later ( nearly 20 years later) I came back to my home town and again saw her everyday and when she got old and a bit unable she came to live with me for her last three years
All my grandkids are now in their teens and I can feel them disappearing bit by bit ...it’s life you just have to accept it and find a way of enjoying your own life