Adoption

Op you think yearly contact will remind your friends they are not the bio parents.
If they are to be good parents they will be talking about that fact a lot with any children. It wont be a hidden thing. It will be something the children always know and any question recieve honest answers.

In answer to your question iam64 I really don't believe you can fall weeping into the arms of someone you have never seen before whilst declaring your life is now complete. What a load of hooey. Birth parents are a totally unknown quantity to the adopted child and whilst some may go on to have some sort of relationship in many cases it just does not work for a variety of reasons.
I agree its good to clarify issues such as medical history /genetic problems but other than that biological parent is just a womb or sperm donor.
It is wrong however to tell the child they were unwanted by the biological parents.

My son is nearly 16 and was adopted by us at 3, he sees his birth mum whenever we choose, usually once a year. Each case is different and I understand that the court can add clauses when the adoption is approved. For us there were no clauses, but we felt it better all round to keep contact. The meet ups are positive. Each adoption case is different so you really just need to wait and see what works for them.

I haven't read all the posts, after reading yours Lyndiloo, I felt I had to respond straight away. One of my adult children adopted a young child, I have to tell you that once the child is legally adopted, the adoptive parents are the legal parents, and they make ALL decisions regarding that child. They do not have to write or keep in contact with the birth family at all, or in any shape or form. Yes, social workers push this agenda, in the misguided belief that this 'helps' the child. But they have NO authority to force this once the adoption is legal. My A.C. recently discontinued the occasional contact the adopted child had with a member of it's birth family as it proved to be disruptive and unsettling to the child. The child was very young when it was adopted, and had no memory of birth family members, and it was found to be unsettling it's security.

Please do not judge me for a lack of appropriate pronouns, I am endeavouring to protect my family's anonymity.

BBC Radio 4 did an 18 part series called The Adoption which followed a brother and sister's adoption. Each programme is between 10- 15 minutes. It gave a very good insight into these 2 children's adoption from the point of view of the parents, grandparents, foster parents, adoptive parents and social workers plus some comments from the children who were both under 4.

It was very informative, insightful, and very emotional at times. You can listen to it on BBC radio player, Radio 4, podcasts, The Adoption.

A friend of mine has brought up her two eldest grandchildren. The youngest two were adopted because their parents weren't capable of raising them. However my friend meets up with the youngest with the new adoptive granny. It's complicated, but the adoptive family are happy for their child to know her gran.

I can cite 3 examples of families where one adopted child did want to know about birth parents while the other adopted sibling did not. Therefore I
do not accept the theory that the desire to know comes from negative vibes.
The long lost family scenario barely recognises the role of the adoptive parents.
Children should be told of their adoption from the very earliest stage. With my two they were the stars in a happy loving story and 40 years on can't remember 'being told'.

This has probably been said above but anyway.

Once the child is adopted, or in the run up, a contract is drawn up. The adoptive parent has the last word on what is in it, within reason. Every year or birthday or whatever both sides send letters etc to the adoption agency, letters are checked for unsuitable content. They are then passed on to the other party.

If the adoptive parent does not want any contact at all letters from the birth parent are stored in case the child makes enquiries after the age of 18. Likewise the adoptive parent can choose not to send yearly updates to the birth parent.

There are some great posts here from people who know a lot more about adoption than me. All I can add is that my ex daughter-in-law was adopted and although she was told so when she turned 18 she repeatedly asked for information about her birth parents and was told by her mother that the information was there but she could only have access to it when she (her mother) had passed away. She did try to get information herself but it was over 20 years ago but the information wasn’t readily available and she had to do it secretly in case her mother found out. It seemed to me that this approach was worse than her knowing nothing at all and has definitely affected her as her relationship with her mother in adulthood was very rocky and her second marriage has recently broken down.

I don’t know if she ever found out as we have had no contact with her for many years. As has been stated everybody handles it differently but I would venture to say that withholding information and possibly blocking contact definitely adversely affected her.

Maybe not totally relevant but something Grandmamoira said hit home with me. I was a contact supervisor for many years and did contacts regularly with parents who kept having one child after another knowing it would be taken at birth. Three families had 9 children and one had 10. All children went through the care system costing the taxpayer huge amounts in foster care (UP TO £450 per week per child), transport and supervision charges, court fees, wages of staff etc. I firmly believe that if you have 2 children taken into care you should have forced contraception (i would say sterilisation but everyone screams human rights) in the form of the 3 monthly jab.
Some parents i worked with trotted off without a backward glance after contact knowing full well that the state is paying to raise their kids, they can have regular contact and once the child is old enough to have certain freedoms there is nothing anyone can do to stop them meeting up if they wish. Job done. Most kids in care are there due to addiction, neglect or abuse as I think very few parents give child up for adoption these days if they are none of those things and can manage a child. In my experience in that job under threes were often adopted where abuse or addiction was 'incurable'.

Ditto 'Alreadytaken'...I'm not adopted, nor have I ever had too give a child up, but everyone deserves to know where they came from.
I have a friend who had a child when she was 15 years old. in the day her parents would not let her keep the child (because of the shame), she had no way of supporting him. he 'found' her 15 years ago. She has never tried to replace his adoptive parents, nor could she. They are the ones who brought him up, loved him and supported him. She has a very good relationship with him. He found her because he wanted to know her, his background, including medical history!

I think that once you agree to have your child adopted, for whatever reason, you should accept that your are giving up all rights to that child and not expect any contact until the child is 18. The adopting parent become 'the parents'. The adopted part us just the process.

Looking at this from both sides. If it is done through a third party formally ( ie: through social worker or adoption agency) it can be comforting for the birth parent to know of the child's progress, also if it's the adoptive parents who are required to do this and not the child themselves. Watching the Long Lost Family programmes on ITV just shows how heartbreaking giving up a child for adoption can be. Many of the people on the programmes were forced to give up their babies because a few decades ago society shunned mothers who had a baby outside of marriage and scandalised their families. Now we are more accepting and so there are less babies for adoption but a lot more older children who for one reason or another find themselves in this situation. From the opposite side of this it could cause anxiety to the adoptive parents but done formally it should be quite watertight. As you are now legally able to try and make contact with your birth child once they reach 18 or vice versa child to parent I think this could be more heart wrenching than the yearly updates you are required to give. It takes a big hearted person to adopt children and give them a good life and I sometimes think how they must feel when their adoptive child wants to trace their birth parents.

Removing children from birth parents and forcing adoption is the main reason I refused a uni place to train as a SW. I agree with long term fostering for abused and neglected children but adoption stops all contact with the child's extended family which I am against. We were told SWs have to seek adoptive parents after 12 weeks in foster care. Done to save money not in the child's best interests.

If a child is aware it is adopted it is not un naturel they would want to know more about their birth mother. It could be traumatic for some to learn the reason why they were given up for adoption. I don't approve of being told had I adopted a child that he or she would have to be in contact with the birth mother. That is, in my mind a decision up to my adopted child, and only if they wanted this, and not up to social services to tell my child or myself as its adoptive parent what should be done.. The SS, as I refer to them as, have a lot to answer for over the years concerning the mistakes they have made when it comes to child welfare. They should stick to the welfare of the abused child not those who have a happy life they would have been denied were they not adopted.

As someone who was adopted at birth, I totally understand the need to know about your genetic origins and medical history. I always knew of my adoption and accepted it as a normal part of my life having no desire for further information until later on in my life. After I was 60 I discovered I had two siblings who were also adopted, one had not been told until he was over 50 resulting in quite a difficult time for him. I think it is very hard for those who aren’t adopted to understand the need for information by the adoptee, just to know answers to so many medical questions and to satisfy curiosity about family connections. Unfortunately, as most of my records were before 1950, they have been destroyed.
I had a wonderful loving adoptive family who are everything to me but that doesn’t stop a desire to know more about my origins.

I have what's called 'Letterbox' contact with my adopted great-grandson. This means that, ideally, the adoptive parents send in a report once a year that is then sent to me. I had 2 reports in the first 4 years, and I have been waiting now for 4 years to get the next report. The adoptive social worker has contacted the adoptive parents numerous times asking them to please send a report, but even though the adoptive parents agree to do this, I am still waiting. Apparently, even though the Letterbox contact was approved by a judge at the time the adoption was completed, there is no way the adoptive parents can be made to send in the annual report (really a letter to say how my great-grandson is getting on). I am allowed to send birthday cards and Christmas cards (not allowed to be personalised - just a card with e.g. age on it or for a boy). These cards are then photocopied, and sent on to the adoptive parents with the hope that they will be given to the child. The photocopy is then put in my great-grandson's file which he will have access to when he is 18 years old. I am allowed to sign the cards 'Nan .........". Every couple of months I phone the Social worker to see if there has been any response to my (and their) request for the report. So far no luck. It is particularly frustrating because he had medical problems for the first few years of his life and I would like to know how he is getting on. Also, I am in remission and keeping my fingers crossed. I have never had a photo and would dearly love to have one. I keep on hoping.

In case anyone is wondering, his mum was too young to cope and I was not well enough to take care of him and other family members were not in a position to help. I just felt the need to justify why he was adopted. Not really necessary I know, but it still upsets me very much.

My nephew and his wife have adopted two boys who are brothers. They write to their birth mother once a year which is the adoption law now.
They are quite happy to write once a year.

Attitudes have changed greatly since I was adopted in 1943. No contraception to speak of and as other posters have mentioned, shame was a great factor in unwanted pregnancies. In my case I was the result of a "one night stand" - birth mother's husband away in the war.
When he found out he said he would have his wife back but not the baby so at 3 weeks of age I was adopted.
Apparently when I was 4 years old there was an afternoon radio programme about adoption and I was listening with my adoptive mother and she told me that I had been "chosen".
However, adoption still carried a stigma and several family members treated me differently from their blood relatives so I always felt awkward.
My adoptive mother was paranoid about me not trying to contact my birth mother and , until her death, I felt no urge. I did trace my original birth certificate , no father listed so only 50% knowledge of medical history would have been available.
I decided that, as I had been a "mistake" and there was probably a grown up family between my birth mother and her husband, I considered it cruel to unearth their mother's past and perhaps destroy relationships.
I have never regretted this. My adoptive parents were Mum and Dad and gave me a good start in life for which I am grateful.
Times have changed and I can only comment how I felt and still believe this over-emotional search for a birth mother could have devastating results for all concerned.

Knickas63. I know I would have gone through hell and high water to keep the child I had given birth. Many do not have the option other than allow their child to be adopted. Were I one who gave up my child would not stop me wondering where he /she was.Were they happy had they made a success of their life. Unless my child came looking for me I would never have gone looking for him/her as I gave up my rights as a parent to that child many years ago and what effect would my appearance have on my child's adoptive parents?

My experience of adoption is that if, likethe OP, you think there will be problems there undoubtedly will be.

And if you treat the letter as a yearly something that has to be done, a bit like writing the Christmas thank you,then that is what it will be. 20 or30 minutes out of a whole year.

I always had contact with my birth parents family. Some of them I liked and I see them now and again, some I never met and never will.

The people I grew up with are my close family.

Reading the many and varied responses to the OP gives some idea of how individual each situation is. Good social workers, regardless of targets and government interference, will always have the very best interests of the child at the forefront of their decision making - as the law requires them to do. I have delivered adoption training to would-be parents, matched adoptive parents to children in care, given ongoing (lifelong in the case of the agency I worked for) support to families following adoption and have delivered the counselling legally required before reuniting birth parents and their adult adopted children. Again the agency I worked for enabled me to provide ongoing support during the latter process. None of my adoptions ever broke down, in spite of the children being categorised as 'hard to place' - and until recently I still received cards and letters from some of those families I worked with. I can honestly say that no two situations followed the same path - and this is why it's necessary to continue to listen to all parties involved in the adoption process and to have regard to the body of evidence that exists to inform best practice. The other point that I'd like to stress is that social workers are not in the business of supplying children for adoptive families, but in finding a suitable family for the child; a subtle, but important difference.
Someone made the point up thread about the huge amount of money it costs to keep a child in care; I can only say that if some of that money went towards targeted prevention we wouldn't have so many children in care in the first place.

Soda pop, thanks for clarifying. Those long lost family programmes crank up emotion as what they believe is good tv. I dislike using real people in that kind of programme. It’s a bit too like reality shows for me.

Sazzle its a relief you didn’t take up the training isn’t it, if you have such negative and incorrect beliefs about the job. Adoption isn’t decided at twelve weeks. It’s advised that the Independent Review considers at that stage whether adoption may be a possible ourcome on conclusion of care proceedings. The government attempts to speed up the assessment process have not been met by social workers who, believe it or not, have a duty and in most cases, an absolute desire to help families stay together. Pre care proceedings, all efforts will have been so directed. So if, for example, parents have had help with substance addiction, poor chaotic, neglectful or abusive parenting and things aren’t showing any hope for positive change then the IRO will look at all options, including parents, extended family, long term Foster car, adoption. Children do better in permanent families, which is what adoptive parents seek to provide. There are some excellent Foster carers but children who can’t grow up in their birth family deserve the best we can find and that is not moving backwards and forwards between neglectful or abusive parents and endless foster homes (no disrespect to foster carers)

It’s very easy for a small number of posters to entertain themselves by referring to Social Services as the SS. The reality is, working with children and families can be as exhausting and sad as it is rewarding and positive.

Panache
Surely your birth mother would not have been given the address of your (adopted) life mum. I thought that, even decades ago, the adoptive parents had to be asked at the outset whether they wished in future to be contacted by the birth mother and that would be through an intermediary.
I have a 71 year old friend who was fostered at birth and adopted at 1yr old via the Church of England fostering and adoption society. The aforementioned procedures were adhered to.