Adoption

Tummy Mummy?

What a vile, nauseating expression!

My younger sister was adopted, I am our parents' natural child, but after me they realized that they would probably not be able to have more babies "of their own". My sister always knew she was adopted. In those days there was no possibility of contact with her biological mother.

As an adult she swithered for years as to whether she should or should not try to trace her biological mother and finally decided not to. My parents made it very clear to her that they thought it entirely natural she would want to know the circumstances of her birth and meet the woman who was her natural mother and that they would not be hurt at all if she did try to trace her.

Obviously, I don't know what my parents would have chosen had contact with the biological mother been possible when they adopted my sister.

I can say that when we were children my sister never asked about her biological mother or seemed particularly interested in the fact that she was adopted. And I would have known it if she had been curious, as I would have been the first person she spoke to about it.

We children were told that her mother had loved her, but had not been able to marry her father and had known she could not, as an unmarried mother in the 1950s give her child the life she wanted her to have and that she deserved and that was why she had given her up for adoption. My sister was told that with me and my brother, who died within seven hours of his birth, our parents had to take what they got as always when you have a baby yourself, but my sister was special as they chose her among four or five other babies because she was the most adorable.

Daddy especially felt that adopted children should be brought up knowing they were adopted, as the shock of discovering it as an adult, or whenever a child poking into a drawer came across the adoption papers could do untold damage.

My sister was my sister (she died of cancer two years ago) she could not have been more my sister (or I hers) if we had been born of the same parents, and I felt hurt on her behalf, when she had to bring along the adoption papers when we were settling first Mummy's and later Daddy's estates. I felt that she was legally my sister, and at that late date the fact that physically we were born of different people should not have mattered.

Frankly, I feel contact between the adult parties to an adoption is more for the benefit of the natural mother than for either the adoptive parents or the child concerned. Most women who have lost a child, whether by given him or her up for adoption, to death or by electing for an abortion are always going to have days where they think "What if?" Knowing you have a child somewhere and not knowing how that child is, must be horrible, so I understand the suggestion of contacting the natural mother once a year or so with information. Only the woman concerned can know if that helps her or the reverse.

Camelotclub - how I agree with you. Why can't we all just use Jane Austen's phrase "natural child". I don't think she coined it, it was the usual expression in her day.

I detest the use of "baby talk" of this kind,

I was adopted, my parents did nor tell me. I found out when I was 25.
This was only because I had a still birth and the medical staff needed to know my biological family history. I wish they had told me.

Lyndi how dare you imply the natural mother does not want the baby. That is so judgemental. You don't know that to be true.

In this day and age of abortion being so much easier to have not wanting the child could be done that way.

I have a situation of this in my family which I am not going into all the details of however adoption is certainly not as black and white as you make it out to be.

A mom who has carried her baby full term today has to have very good reasons to give them up.

A child has every right to know his/her background and make decisions when they grow up.

With your attitude I am very glad it's not you wanting to adopt

I began fostering at the age of 60, because it was something I'd always wanted to do and age didn't stop my longing. It was only then that my life was suitable to take it on. It was the best ten years of my life. It wasn't adoption, but similar. I fostered 8 to 17 year olds including siblings. The children were mostly section 20, which meant they were handed over by the parents for all sorts of reasons for not being able to cope. All the children needed to be reassured that their birth parents loved them and that it wasn't their fault they were in foster care. I had close contact with most of the parents and saw their side of things. It was very humbling seeing into their lives.

Sitting and talking to children and giving them the right perspective as to why they lived with me and not their families did wonders, age appropriately obviously. Many went back to their families, but all were constantly in contact with siblings where possible and appropriate. I don't think it's ever wise even after adoption to separate siblings from each other depending on each case obviously. All situations are different. Natural families are very important to us all and I don't think unless there is obvious danger that any child should be separated from siblings. You can't replace the years lost after say 30 years of separation. That time can't be replaced.

We fostered a little girl and she has been a lovely addition t our family, though not without anguish during those teenage years.

At 15 she arranged to see her birth mother (Please don't use the term 'real mother', I'm just as real!) who was in hospital with mental problems (bipolar I think). It was traumatic as or daughter rang the hospital, without our knowledge, to say she was the daughter so obviously was able to visit. She came home in a terrible state and I understand her mother was also extremely upset.

Our daughter is now in her forties and her relationship with her birth mother is settling down as she realises that she needs understanding and patience. So often her birth mother has arranged to meet and cried off at the last minute. She sent a Christmas card one year saying that she didn't want to see our daughter again and she was not to be contacted - months of misery and self flagellation on our daughter's part.

Our daughter rings us most days and over the years has given us a lot of pleasure and many laughs - she is mixed race and the only one in our village so many people have looked at our sons and us and jumped to entirely the wrong conclusion. Our daughter also enjoys the joke when she introduces us as her parents.

I wouldn't change anything but cold shivers run down my back when I remember coming across her birth mother the local market. They both recognised one another instantly though they had not met for a dozen years - since her birth. I had no idea who this stranger was so when my daughter asked me I had to suggest that she asked the lady herself. The reply was electrifying and he aisle cleared.

These relationships are not predictable and can be life changing so care needs to be taken - especially with SWs who see quite cavalier. It is probably an everyday experience for them but to us, the participants, it affects all of us for months and we have to cope with the problems and distress in children who have not got the life experience to get things into perspective. They cannot understand the birth parent's ambivalence; so much regret, self blame, shame to come to terms with.

Good luck to everyone who adopts, fosters or is adopted or fostered. I wish you all the tolerance and resilience you will need and hope things turn out well for you too.

I had a daughter when I was 20, and during my pregnancy I was in denial, only telling my Mother when I was 6 months. I arranged through our GP to see a social worker, and went to a mother & baby home, where I stayed for 6 weeks prior to her birth at the local maternity hospital and 7 weeks after she was born. My brother drove me to the office of the adoption society where I handed her over. I was in a state of shock, as it hadn't sunk in that I wouldn't see her again. I went back home to my parents, but was absolutely beside myself with grief. I think my Mother would have allowed me to bring her home, but my Father was adamant that adoption would be better for my daughter and me. The adoption society in the first year sent me a photo and an update on her progress. I since married and had a son and a daughter. The marriage ended before my daughter was a year old. When they were in their mid teens I told them about my first daughter, as I wanted her to be able to contact me should she wish to. They were very interested and understanding. Within a very short time contact was made, as she had sought to find me through the adoption society. We met, and since then have had a really close bond and friendship, meeting for lunch, often with my second daughter - they are quite alike and get on so well. My son is interested to hear about her, but not anxious to meet. Sadly, the adoptive mother died of cancer before her daughter was 20 - she nursed her throughout her illness. However, her adoptive father is now in his early nineties - a great character - and the three of us have met for lunch on a couple of occasions. She has 2 fine sons, who my daughter and I have met, and 3 grandchildren. We are in regular touch and she has called on me when going through difficult times. I feel quite privileged that she feels able to do this. I can still remember the grief, but don't feel any regret now.

Having worked as an adoption caseworker for many years, during my forty years with social services, I have watched adoption services evolve. With the advent of the internet, closed adoption became unsustainable. Some children never give up yearning for their birth family. Most of them have characteristics that hearken back to their birth family. Especially after adolescence, there are traits, habits and gifts from birth family that perplex adoptive families. Siblings are the longest relationship that we have in life and that includes birth siblings. Genetics now often play a role in medical care. On a personal note, my niece, who was adopted 52 years ago, just found our family through Ancestry.com and was delighted to discover that her athleticism, which mystified her adoptive family, came from her birth mother. I'm an advocate for open adoption with at least one birth relative.

How do they or you know that the 'tummy mummy' didn't want them? It may have been a heartbreaking decision for the birth mother, or maybe not her decision at all..

It wasn't until I read this thread that I came across the term "tummy mummy".
I thoroughly dislike it and find it patronising.
My DD's adoption has also been explained to my GCs and none of us would use that term.
Birth mother/brother/sister all seem fine!I
One DD did trace and contact her birth mother but it's a very superficial relationship and there's virtually no contact. However she is on excellent terms with her birth brother.
DD2 has never felt the need!

No post on GN has affected me as much as this one. How can OP presume ‘rejection’ and that the child’s mother/family ‘didn't want him/her.’. How cruel and ignorant. If I were your ‘young friend’ I wouldn’t let you near my adopted child.

Maybe I have a little more experience of adoption than most
I have 5 adopted children. I DC was adopted in the 60s and there was to be no further communication between the parties. In 1990 adoption had changed somewhat and was more open. We met the birth mother of the younger 4 who could no longer look after them due to a hereditary illness. Until the adoption the judge ruled one access visit per month until the actual adoption. We were happy with this but it didnt last long as her illness worsened. From then on I took a video through the year and it was then sent to BM together with a present chosen by the children. She used to write to me and it was quite upsetting to see her detiorating. Except for the youngest they knew her although they had always called her by her name and so there was no problem with me being Mummy. We must remember very few people who adopt now will be getting a young baby like in the old days. Unfortunately similar has happened with one of my adopted DDs and two babies have been taken away at birth and luckily are with the same adoptive parents. My DD does receive photos every so often but this is all done through SS. I think it would be selfish of adoptive parents to pretend the birth mother didn't exist. I thought my adoptions were a success when their children have skills they dont and say it must come from me.

Yes, it’s possible for the family to kind of “forget” you’re adopted after a while. I remember one of my grannies saying to me in exasperation “ Oh you’re just like your mother!” Except it was my adoptive granny comparing me to her own daughter.

And people often comment that my son is just like his grandfather, my adoptive father.

The OP hasn't returned so we don't know if the responses from posters with experience as or with adopters has helped her understand that her initial views are ill informed and judgemental.

I haven't heard the phrase 'tummy mummy' in almost 40 years. The internet has had an impact on decision making but, the biggest influence has been research with adults who were adopted, with their birth and adoptive families.

Our adopted child is now 50+. We know that, at a young age the birth mother was forced by her parents to give the baby up for adoption. Contrary to what most adoptive parents seem to feel, I would love to establish contact with her, but our child has always shown no interest in doing so, even though we have explained what peoples’ attitudes to illegitimacy were, in those days. It grieves me to think of this poor mother, who must be in her in her late 60s now, wondering for all those years what her child’s life has been like.
It distresses me to think that she has possibly been waiting all these years to establish contact with her lost ‘baby,’ but we have to respect our child’s wishes.

We have young friends who adopted. They write a letter each year, but keep it brief with just important information about school etc. There is no direct contact with the birth mother and the children are not involved so it’s all straightforward.

I think an adopted child-should be told they are adopted as young as possible & should have age appropriate information given to them as & when they ask questions. I think it’s a terrible suggestion that they will ‘Have ‘to make this sort of contact annually ,it should only be If & when a child can understand & make the request themselves.

Lyndiloo, am just sitting here wondering why you are getting so agitated by this? Were you adopted yourself or did you want to adopt but got turned down?

I find your attitude towards the 'birth' mothers a bit negative. No one puts their child up for adoption without there being a very good reason, so is it really too much to ask that you get a yearly letter saying how your child is getting on?

And surely when you adopt your child, you are always going to be aware that there is another 'mother' lurking about in the background. But if you forge a good, loving relationship with the said child, and have been honest to it from the start about how they are 'special' and that you got to 'choose' them, they aren't going to love you any less. Young children are very accepting if they are told things that is age appropriate, it's usually when they become teenagers that the problems can start, regardless of whether you are their birth mother or adopted mother.

Unless I have got things totally wrong, it sounds as though you are the one worrying about it and not your friend. Let them deal with any problems with their allocated SW and just be happy for them all.

This may not be a welcome comment but I 'd like to say that we never used the term chosen.
Visions of a line of cots and choosing the baby you want - boy or girl? prettiest? the one with a smile? blond hair to match daddy's?
It was not like that and we didn't pretend.
It was simply that we very much wanted a baby and a very kind young woman, who didn't have a home and family to help, decided that her precious baby would have a happier life with us.
She had a choice - looking through the information on 4/5 prospective parents and choosing the family she thought would be best.

I beleive the term usually used in adoption is ‘ matched or matching’ ie these days social workers try to best place a child with who they believe seems to tally in some way with the child’s original family & circumstances

I worked in a field related to adoption.

Once the adoption is finalised, and the adopters are the legal parents, they cannot be prevented from closing the adoption.

This is often not made clear to birth parents, who often are under the impression that this contact cannot be prevented.

The agreement for letterbox contact, including its frequency and nature, cannot be enforced by the birth parents after the adoption order has been made. This covers any requests to provide pictures which is often found difficult and undesirable by the adopters. Information such as the child’s school, or the child’s address also is not required to be provided.

I will not go into the ethics, morals or suchlike of the decision; I merely wanted to state that that is the legal position.

In short, adopters need to play nice with the SW until you get the order finalised, and after that it is the adoptive parents’ decision.

Most adoptions, even now, eventually close in terms of ongoing contact.

It is also not uncommon for birth parents to not provide their end of the letterbox contact which can be exceptionally distressing for children, particularly those not placed at birth. Again, there is of course no way to make a birth parent provide that contact.

Never heard of an annual phone call. Have though heard of a letter via a third party usually adoption agency. The tummy mummy can also provide a letter but these do not usually go to the child.
Why on earth this is done is beyond me as if a child is given for adoption doesn't that mean the adopters are the parents and the biological parent/s have forfeited any responsibility/rights. You are not being unreasonable to think it is mad.

Precisely bridgeit.
We subsequently were told that we were chosen by the young student mother because of family teaching connections and love of books. (42 years ago!)

Grandtante what a lovely post - that has brought tears to my eyes and one would hope that all adoptions are as successful.
It's sad, though, that she had to 'prove' that she was their legal child when your parents died.