Please help with this

it can be extremely annoying if you are cast as the "telling off" parent and the other is the "nice" parent. If your DiL feels that she is constantly pushed into that role and that your son doesnt back her up or do his share of the disiplining , it can be both infuriating and exasperating to feel that they do not share this together. Your commenting on it , probably also was seen as a divisive comment. Also she may just be totally weary of having to be the one to sort things out without help, and if the children do not change or do what is asked by her she is going to feel more weary and isolated. Of course , she may also just be very tired and need a rest. Trying to have some house rules that they both adhere to would work better for all concerned.

With regard to Chrissy's post (22.Nov.25) I am always dubious about private diagnoses; medication is used but it is not solving the problem and there is no support.
The best route is via the school; is the boys' behaviour as bad at school? If it is not the problem lies with the parents, as mother appears stressed and resorts to shouting, which only exacerbates the situation. They may not get an instant diagnosis, but strategies and advice are available, and introductions to support groups.
Medication is not solving this problem; it is suppressing it.

Jalima1108

^I make it a rule never to discuss my DiL with my son, my SiL with my daughter and vice versa.^
That is the best rule dragonfly

Oh my goodness yes! Danger of losing the lot, unless of course as some have mentioned it's got to abuse level.

for all we know DiL has some problems we don't know about, maybe anxiety or depression: I'm going through a baddish patch with DiL, things were never easy, as they often are with DiL's, but my son did at least confide that there were big problems in her family pre-occupying her.

Basically, your son is now "hers" as a man, not "yours" anymore.

Criticise your daughter in law's parenting skills at your own risk.
I'm appalled by the way some people act as though they are running an army camp with their kids -
But most parents seem to let their kids rule the roost these days.
I think that two out of my three grandkids are incredibly badly brought up by my kids .My parents were shocked , but said nothing
It's all a question of balance -not easy to achieve in our modern World .

The OP for this thread was posted over 7 years ago so it might be an idea to start a new thread chrissy.

It must be stressful and exhausting having two young children on medication for ADHD and still waiting for support 2 years on, will surely exacerbate the situation.

Are you able to have them from time to time to give your d.i.l. a break?

Quite a hard situation and hard to keep quiet when you feel things aren’t right. I think I would resist the temptation to say anything unless you think it is really harming the children. Many years ago I had a friend who was awful to her son and her husband once asked me to stop her laying into him. I thought it wasn’t my place so I ignored him. In a way I think I did the wrong thing because that boy has grown up with all sorts of psychological problems , probably and likely caused by my friend. She has no idea she was doing anything wrong.

Violetfloss

She can't win either way can she?
If she didn't discipline her children, she's raising a brat.
If she disciplines her children, it's too 'harsh'.

If your DIL was already telling her child off then Dad swoops in and takes over, that's undermining her. No wonder she doesn't listen to her mom if Dad keeps swooping in and taking over. Sounds like DIL was annoyed with her husband. Which is normal really.

'my son is a very loving caring and hands on kind of a Father and did not take kindly to that comment and so it continued'

And your DIL I imagine is also a loving, caring hands on mother. Not sure why you had to build him like that? He also continued the argument in front of his daughter so they are as bad as each other.

I'd just back off a bit and maybe don't be so critical of your DIL and portray your son as perfect. That's the impression I get from your post.

This with bells on.

You need to take a step back from meddling. When you are not around, I imagine the family manages just fine without your unsolicited input. It’s quite easy for grandparents to romanticize about their child being the kinder, more loving parent when you get only a snapshot of the family’s day to day. Unless you think the children are being abused, it’s not your place to voice your opinions on how the parents discipline them. It’s also never healthy to be over involved in your son or daughter’s marriage. You seem preoccupied with your DIL. If I were you I would ask myself why that is so I could shift away from it. Find the root cause of your fixation, then fix it so that your son and DIL can raise their family without negative influence. Say no more to your son about his wife unless the children are objectively in danger.

To continue with this previous old post…….. my DIL is obviously struggling to cope with her 3 kids. The eldest two, 8 and 9 have been privately diagnosed with ADHD and are on meds.Whilst I admit that they are a handful, I feel that their Mum just fuels the fire by constantly shouting at them. They are such lovely kids separately. I also worry that their wee sister, 3, will get labelled the same way, just because the parents are too stressed themselves to cope properly. I know that they need help and guidance but where do you get that these days…… they’ve been on the waiting list for support for over 2 years.

To be honest, you have already crossed a line by involving yourself in how other people discipline/ berate their own children. Yes you are a relative but that doesn’t give you the right to stick your nose in wherever you see fit. You aren’t raising these children and I don’t think you should be judging your DIL and labeling her harsh- what exactly do you mean!? Only she and your son know how to discipline their children, how they want and maybe you have made him feel insecure by your comments hence starting an argument. My advice would be to mind your own business when it comes to other people’s children and family life and be a relative, part of an extended family who is included because they love you and your company. Continue in this road and you will cut off your nose to spite your face.

Like some other OPs I fear Serkeen may not have liked the replies to her post but I would be interested in her comments if we ever get one.

Doe anybody else hear that sort of echoing silence you get when you’re talking to someone on the phone and they’ve hung up?
I hope I am wrong but I don’t think OP is listening any more.

I would be careful of criticising your dil, after all it is her child not yours. You may find that she is more ''harsh' when you're around than when you're not. As long as she is not physically or verbally abusing the child I don't think a bit of discipline hurts. You're son shouldn't undermine your dil or be encouraged to by you, a child soon learns that they can play mummy and daddy off against each other. So keep your opinions to yourself.

Serkeen ,am I mistaken,but I think I remember you starting a post a few months back about your DiL & GC ?

Jalima you have reminded me of the boys when I was at school preferring to be caned as it was all over quick rather than having to write hundreds of lines!

* in a, not a a

We have to remember that customs and chastising vary from country to country and culture to culture.
If the lady in question was brought up in a household where chastising a a loud, perhaps harsh tone was the norm then that is her business.
I'm sure that the OP's son would not let it go too far unless, of course, he is under his wife's thumb.
It's best to never interfere in other people's marriages, even those close to home UNLESS there is something drastically wrong.

My MiL lived with us for 3 months while moving house. Afterwards she told me that before she lived with us she thought I was sometimes quite strict with DD, but after living with us, she understood why. Living with us she saw a side of her DGD that wasn't evident when she saw her intermittently.

So I would be careful about leaping to judgement on whether a parent is being 'harsh' or not until you have a lot of evidence of the child suffering. If you have a challenging child, it is sometimes necessary to be quite strict, with them

My DD has grown into a fine woman, who will stand up and be counted and make herself unpopular by speaking up if she sees injustice. she wasn't the easiest child to rear, but she was worth it!

Agree with the other posters, keep out of it unless your grandchild is showing signs of fear/anxiety or something else that could suggest abuse.

When my girls were young, if I shouted at them they would often ignore me, but if I used a low, controlled voice, they knew I meant business.

I would never say anything to my daughters about their partner/husband unless it's something positive. It's not worth all the problems it could cause!

I make it a rule never to discuss my DiL with my son, my SiL with my daughter and vice versa.
That is the best rule dragonfly

I make it a rule never to discuss my DiL with my son, my SiL with my daughter and vice versa. Things can be taken the wrong way and at the end of the day they have to sort things out for themselves. The only time I would interfere is if I had proof that the children are being abused in any way. Then it would be your duty.

Sounds to me as if your son and DIL had a bad day last time you visited. It may have had nothing to do with what you had said to your DS.

By harsh, do you mean DIL shouts at the children? That's the way some of the grans answering have understood you, but you don't actually say that.

I dislike people shouting at children or anyone else, or using abusive words, but it is honestly best not to comment unless you are asked for your opinion.

Sounds to me as if the only person not concerning was the dear little girl ( naughty brat) who didn't take her feet of the sofa, so I think you are worrying unnecessarily.

I should add that perhaps my DC were shouted at occasionally, we were not chaotic, unhappy nor did we need professional parenting lessons.
DD2 did mention once that she and her friend had been subjected to a very long and earnest talk by friend's parents because they had done something wrong and how awful, undermining and humiliating it had been as they were made to see the dreadful error of their ways, and that she much preferred being shouted at very briefly then back to normal.

If your DIL was already telling her child off then Dad swoops in and takes over, that's undermining her. No wonder she doesn't listen to her mom if Dad keeps swooping in and taking over. Sounds like DIL was annoyed with her husband.
It did sound in the OP as if father was backing up mother's discipline in this instance - my son got involved at first saying why are you not listening To Mummy
then mummy got the pip because she thought daddy was interfering and that she couldn't handle it.

It sounds as if the OP had already mentioned that she thought her DIL was too harsh and interfered by mentioning this to her DS before this next incident.

My advice would be to just keep out of it all Serkeen!

Of our 6GC 5are no problem at all but one girl is very difficult & if you don't raise your voice she ignores you. We thought maybe she was a bit deaf but school says no problem.
Some children just need to be treated differently from their siblings. We try & make a joke of it by 'play shouting' at her but it is very wearing. She has just turned 10 & I think she is getting slightly better. Just in time for teenage problems!

If they are fighting, it is unlikely to be anything you have said. If your son noticed something and decided to act on it, then he would have sooner or later anyway. My DD was very harsh and stroppy with my DGC when she was struggling herself. She was depressed and overwhelmed. Leave them to it and let them sort it out themselves.