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Please help with this

(47 Posts)
Serkeen Sun 24-Jun-18 20:34:54

My DIL is quite harsh with my grandchildren and at first I thought more towards one than the other ..

So I mentioned to my son because I was worried for the children

My son denied it and said she was not harsh and that he would not allow her to be harsh

Today I visited them and the little one had her feet on the sette and my DIL was very very harsh when telling her to remove her feet off of the settee and my son got involved at first saying why are you not listening To Mummy then DIL continued being harsh even though my son was dealing with it

This caused them to argue between themselves with my DIL saying to my son stop interfering when I am telling her something and do not get involved, my son is a very loving caring and hands on kind of a Father and did not take kindly to that comment and so it continued and she said that he had been doing much the same all week ..which was around he time I said what I said.

Now I am feeling bad and that I may have made a mistake but I am truly concerned for my grandchild because DIL is really Unnecessarly harsh true way in that she reprimands he children.

The help I need now is How do I make this better now what can I say to my son, I do not want them arguing because of something that I have said that has obviously played on my sons mind

Youngatheart60 Tue 26-Jun-18 23:25:17

To be honest, you have already crossed a line by involving yourself in how other people discipline/ berate their own children. Yes you are a relative but that doesn’t give you the right to stick your nose in wherever you see fit. You aren’t raising these children and I don’t think you should be judging your DIL and labeling her harsh- what exactly do you mean!? Only she and your son know how to discipline their children, how they want and maybe you have made him feel insecure by your comments hence starting an argument. My advice would be to mind your own business when it comes to other people’s children and family life and be a relative, part of an extended family who is included because they love you and your company. Continue in this road and you will cut off your nose to spite your face.

MawBroon Tue 26-Jun-18 20:53:59

Like some other OPs I fear Serkeen may not have liked the replies to her post but I would be interested in her comments if we ever get one.

MawBroon Tue 26-Jun-18 18:18:41

Doe anybody else hear that sort of echoing silence you get when you’re talking to someone on the phone and they’ve hung up?
I hope I am wrong but I don’t think OP is listening any more.

Pat609 Tue 26-Jun-18 18:06:58

I would be careful of criticising your dil, after all it is her child not yours. You may find that she is more ''harsh' when you're around than when you're not. As long as she is not physically or verbally abusing the child I don't think a bit of discipline hurts. You're son shouldn't undermine your dil or be encouraged to by you, a child soon learns that they can play mummy and daddy off against each other. So keep your opinions to yourself.

Bridgeit Tue 26-Jun-18 17:48:35

Serkeen ,am I mistaken,but I think I remember you starting a post a few months back about your DiL & GC ?

luluaugust Tue 26-Jun-18 13:47:06

Jalima you have reminded me of the boys when I was at school preferring to be caned as it was all over quick rather than having to write hundreds of lines!

GabriellaG Mon 25-Jun-18 23:39:31

* in a, not a a blush

GabriellaG Mon 25-Jun-18 23:38:46

We have to remember that customs and chastising vary from country to country and culture to culture.
If the lady in question was brought up in a household where chastising a a loud, perhaps harsh tone was the norm then that is her business.
I'm sure that the OP's son would not let it go too far unless, of course, he is under his wife's thumb.
It's best to never interfere in other people's marriages, even those close to home UNLESS there is something drastically wrong.

M0nica Mon 25-Jun-18 23:21:12

My MiL lived with us for 3 months while moving house. Afterwards she told me that before she lived with us she thought I was sometimes quite strict with DD, but after living with us, she understood why. Living with us she saw a side of her DGD that wasn't evident when she saw her intermittently.

So I would be careful about leaping to judgement on whether a parent is being 'harsh' or not until you have a lot of evidence of the child suffering. If you have a challenging child, it is sometimes necessary to be quite strict, with them

My DD has grown into a fine woman, who will stand up and be counted and make herself unpopular by speaking up if she sees injustice. she wasn't the easiest child to rear, but she was worth it!

MagicWriter2016 Mon 25-Jun-18 22:53:48

Agree with the other posters, keep out of it unless your grandchild is showing signs of fear/anxiety or something else that could suggest abuse.

When my girls were young, if I shouted at them they would often ignore me, but if I used a low, controlled voice, they knew I meant business.

I would never say anything to my daughters about their partner/husband unless it's something positive. It's not worth all the problems it could cause!

Jalima1108 Mon 25-Jun-18 16:01:36

I make it a rule never to discuss my DiL with my son, my SiL with my daughter and vice versa.
That is the best rule dragonfly

dragonfly46 Mon 25-Jun-18 15:59:06

I make it a rule never to discuss my DiL with my son, my SiL with my daughter and vice versa. Things can be taken the wrong way and at the end of the day they have to sort things out for themselves. The only time I would interfere is if I had proof that the children are being abused in any way. Then it would be your duty.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 25-Jun-18 14:59:11

Sounds to me as if your son and DIL had a bad day last time you visited. It may have had nothing to do with what you had said to your DS.

By harsh, do you mean DIL shouts at the children? That's the way some of the grans answering have understood you, but you don't actually say that.

I dislike people shouting at children or anyone else, or using abusive words, but it is honestly best not to comment unless you are asked for your opinion.

Sounds to me as if the only person not concerning was the dear little girl ( naughty brat) who didn't take her feet of the sofa, so I think you are worrying unnecessarily.

Jalima1108 Mon 25-Jun-18 12:55:39

I should add that perhaps my DC were shouted at occasionally, we were not chaotic, unhappy nor did we need professional parenting lessons.
DD2 did mention once that she and her friend had been subjected to a very long and earnest talk by friend's parents because they had done something wrong and how awful, undermining and humiliating it had been as they were made to see the dreadful error of their ways, and that she much preferred being shouted at very briefly then back to normal.

Jalima1108 Mon 25-Jun-18 12:51:07

If your DIL was already telling her child off then Dad swoops in and takes over, that's undermining her. No wonder she doesn't listen to her mom if Dad keeps swooping in and taking over. Sounds like DIL was annoyed with her husband.
It did sound in the OP as if father was backing up mother's discipline in this instance - my son got involved at first saying why are you not listening To Mummy
then mummy got the pip because she thought daddy was interfering and that she couldn't handle it.

It sounds as if the OP had already mentioned that she thought her DIL was too harsh and interfered by mentioning this to her DS before this next incident.

My advice would be to just keep out of it all Serkeen!

Craftycat Mon 25-Jun-18 12:32:08

Of our 6GC 5are no problem at all but one girl is very difficult & if you don't raise your voice she ignores you. We thought maybe she was a bit deaf but school says no problem.
Some children just need to be treated differently from their siblings. We try & make a joke of it by 'play shouting' at her but it is very wearing. She has just turned 10 & I think she is getting slightly better. Just in time for teenage problems!

knickas63 Mon 25-Jun-18 12:31:24

If they are fighting, it is unlikely to be anything you have said. If your son noticed something and decided to act on it, then he would have sooner or later anyway. My DD was very harsh and stroppy with my DGC when she was struggling herself. She was depressed and overwhelmed. Leave them to it and let them sort it out themselves.

Silverlady79 Mon 25-Jun-18 12:19:32

Hi - not meaning to wade in but here's my thoughts. If someone had watched over me and noticed what was going on when I was a kid and done something about it, I wouldn't be the adult I am - entering year 2 of therapy over childhood abuse.

Minerva Mon 25-Jun-18 12:13:44

I expect that when you are not there they work out the discipline between them. Your son would have been conscious of what you were thinking and acted accordingly.

Unless your DGD was cowering and tearful perhaps she wasn’t bothered at being shouted at by mum. There is nothing more irritating than telling a child over and over and being ignored.

I wonder why she didn’t just tell the child to remove footwear then it wouldn’t matter where her feet were touching but it isn’t our business to get between our offspring and their partners.

When all my grandchildren were very young their parents had a get together and I was later told that one of them said that there was a sense that Mum (me) thought they were over strict with the kids at which another of them reported that she thinks I felt that she and hubby were not strict enough at which they all had a good laugh at my expense. Quite right too and I was more careful after that.

Coconut Mon 25-Jun-18 11:52:31

Difficult situation as verbal abuse is still abuse. My granddaughters endured this initially with their new step father, who was actually quite high up in the Police, but he had a very short fuse. My son quickly became involved and told their Mum that if it continues he will go to court for custody ... and that would not bode well with a career in the Police force. The situation changed and all is well, however, I have had many “coaching chats” with GD’s re verbal bullying, and despite once being quite shy girls, they will now challenge any adverse behaviour with anyone.

Jaycee5 Mon 25-Jun-18 11:48:09

I think it is a case of 'least said soonest mended'. You can't undo what you said and your son had a choice as to whether to take any notice.
I would back off unless it is a case of being supportive but even then be careful that it can't be construed as interfering.
I agree with Elrel. Apologising just prolongs the issue and make too much of it. It also makes it about you when you should be backing off.

Violetfloss Mon 25-Jun-18 11:40:00

She can't win either way can she?
If she didn't discipline her children, she's raising a brat.
If she disciplines her children, it's too 'harsh'.

If your DIL was already telling her child off then Dad swoops in and takes over, that's undermining her. No wonder she doesn't listen to her mom if Dad keeps swooping in and taking over. Sounds like DIL was annoyed with her husband. Which is normal really.

'my son is a very loving caring and hands on kind of a Father and did not take kindly to that comment and so it continued'

And your DIL I imagine is also a loving, caring hands on mother. Not sure why you had to build him like that? He also continued the argument in front of his daughter so they are as bad as each other.

I'd just back off a bit and maybe don't be so critical of your DIL and portray your son as perfect. That's the impression I get from your post.

lollee Mon 25-Jun-18 11:24:31

Everyone is far too soft with kids these days and I am all for a little stern reproach until they no longer do the thing they shouldn't be doing. As long as love and care is also shown so the child does not feel picked on or unloved, all should be well. It is probably worse watching her parents arguing.

quizqueen Mon 25-Jun-18 11:16:18

It sounds like there is very poor discipline in your grandchildren's household all round with mum constantly shouting at the kids and them taking no notice and the parents arguing with each other about this inconsistency in front of the kids! They both need to go on a parenting course to learn how to speak to their children and each other calmly and civilly with the expectation that the children respond to requests first time with consequences if they don't e.g. no tv etc.

I've seen so many families operate in this chaotic way including my own relatives and it often promotes an unhappy lifestyle. The difference in the behaviour of my family and theirs was quite stark but, when offered professional help, they claimed they did not need it!People often seem to have no idea how to raise a family without continually shouting and children have no expectation to behave well, help around the home and so on. It's a very sad fact of life.

mabon1 Mon 25-Jun-18 11:08:01

Keep out of it unless she is abusive. |You will lose your son and the rest of the family if you interfere.