Please help with this

Criticise your daughter in law's parenting skills at your own risk.
I'm appalled by the way some people act as though they are running an army camp with their kids -
But most parents seem to let their kids rule the roost these days.
I think that two out of my three grandkids are incredibly badly brought up by my kids .My parents were shocked , but said nothing
It's all a question of balance -not easy to achieve in our modern World .

Jalima1108

^I make it a rule never to discuss my DiL with my son, my SiL with my daughter and vice versa.^
That is the best rule dragonfly

Oh my goodness yes! Danger of losing the lot, unless of course as some have mentioned it's got to abuse level.

for all we know DiL has some problems we don't know about, maybe anxiety or depression: I'm going through a baddish patch with DiL, things were never easy, as they often are with DiL's, but my son did at least confide that there were big problems in her family pre-occupying her.

Basically, your son is now "hers" as a man, not "yours" anymore.

With regard to Chrissy's post (22.Nov.25) I am always dubious about private diagnoses; medication is used but it is not solving the problem and there is no support.
The best route is via the school; is the boys' behaviour as bad at school? If it is not the problem lies with the parents, as mother appears stressed and resorts to shouting, which only exacerbates the situation. They may not get an instant diagnosis, but strategies and advice are available, and introductions to support groups.
Medication is not solving this problem; it is suppressing it.

it can be extremely annoying if you are cast as the "telling off" parent and the other is the "nice" parent. If your DiL feels that she is constantly pushed into that role and that your son doesnt back her up or do his share of the disiplining , it can be both infuriating and exasperating to feel that they do not share this together. Your commenting on it , probably also was seen as a divisive comment. Also she may just be totally weary of having to be the one to sort things out without help, and if the children do not change or do what is asked by her she is going to feel more weary and isolated. Of course , she may also just be very tired and need a rest. Trying to have some house rules that they both adhere to would work better for all concerned.