Grandson’s nursery time

I still don't understand why the child's dad is not taking annual leave?

I think it is a little odd. One or two days a week - possibly? Why did she have a child if she doesn't want to spend time with him? Just about every working mum I know - and that is most of them nowadays, are desperate to have more time with their kids. You can't say anything - but it is odd.

Yes - the father could take some time as well - obviously! However - She is the one who is 'home' for six weeks. Dad may not be able to match that - so a bit of realism please? I suspect she just hasn't taken to motherhood. It happens. And whilst I rarely put down other women - we all have our own path to walk, but when 'walking you own path' impacts on others, particularly such a young child, then you need to give yourself a kick up the bum and re-evaluate your priorities.

I suppose I can’t help thinking of a colleague I worked with, yes, a teacher, who loved her job and always said that she didn’t want to have children.

However, as she passed the mid thirties mark, her husband was desperate for a child and both sets of parents put a lot of (sad, sighing, silent) pressure on her. And, because she felt selfish, she became pregnant. She was anxious throughout the pregnancy that she had made a mistake in giving in. But everyone told her it would be alright when the baby arrived.

She took six months off and was thoroughly miserable. PND everyone said. Actually she was feeling trapped and desperate. Her husband was over the moon with the baby, but then he left the house at 8am and came back at 6pm. He wanted the child but she was the one spending all day doing something that she hated! Not him. She didn’t hate her baby, just the constant caring for a demanding helpless being.

After six months she went back to work. They could afford a nanny. Within a week she was back to the vibrant, energetic person she had been before.

She took a lot of stick from the disapprovers ( mostly father and grandparents) who couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to be with her baby more. Why had she had the baby if she didn’t want to spend her time with him. Nobody questioned why the father had a child if he didn’t want to be with his baby more.

This may not be what happened in the OPs case but the sense of disapproval is quite strong. Why raise the issue at all if not? Other remarks (she had PND, she is distant) ring a bell too.

I do feel that its a shame that even nowadays people feel pressured to have children. I have always been impressed by those who announce they do not want them and never will. Its not how I could have lead my life but I fully respect those who have made the choice and live their lives how they wish. I have a friend who is a very dedicated head teacher. Neither she nor her husband wanted children. They came form families where there were already cousins and siblings with offspring so there was no pressure to reproduce. We often chatted and although she found educating children fulfilling and she was great at creating an excellent school she never felt maternal. Now in her 50s she has no regrets and lives a full and rewarding life as a sometime Auntie and a fulltime educator.
Having children is all about being able to put them first. They do not ask to be born but come into this world hardwired to adore their parents. As both a pre-school educator and a volunteer family support worker I have seen the unhappiness created by shoddy parenting whether it be the type created by poverty and lack of knowledge or the sort that has all the material benefits of large incomes but non of the relaxed 'quality time' where Mum or Dad can just drop what they are doing and can just 'be there'. I'm not saying that the OP is accusing anyone of 'shoddy parenting' I'm just saying you really have fully want to be the best you can and to put the children first for as much as you can.
In these enlightened times those who do not wish to be parents should be allowed that choice.

Can’t imagine why she ever had a child, why not just get a cat? They are ok for a bit of a fuss when you feel like it but manage very well on their own if you need ‘me time’. Poor child, and you, theres nothing you can do about it I’m afraid, she’ll regret it later I suspect, most do. Nobody wants ‘I wish I’d had more time to myself’ on their gravestone, most wish they’d spent more time with their loved ones.

Can’t imagine why she ever had a child

presumably it was a joint decision with the OP's son, is anyone going to ask why HE had kids since he isnt using up his leave on taking the summer off to take the kid out & about either!

I am with Harigran, I don't understand women having children then farming them out to others to be brought up. And why is looking after your own children today considered as 'so hard'? It's just something you do.

But, as others have said OP, I would bite my tongue and just try and enjoy your time with your grandson.

"And why is looking after your own children today considered as 'so hard'?"

ask the OPs son maybe?

I must be losing my mojo but I found the "why didn't she just get a cat" comment offensive and unnecessary.

Sielha: Lots of differing opinions. I hope you have found some of them helpful.

Fact is: we all bring up our children as we think fit. I don't necessarily understand why a mother would not want to spend as much time as they can with their only child when they have time off.....BUT if that is her wish...so be it!

Maybe you could ask to have your GS for a few days each week? Even if nursery fees have to be paid?

My only negative comment was "Why do some people feel teachers have more stress than other occupations?" This was answered in two parts - the teachers or ex teachers amongst us who feel they can't cope with the stress (as their day doesn't end at 3 p.m.) Yep nobody said it did but neither do many other jobs and those who understand that ALL jobs bring stress and children have to be managed in the equation.

I don't feel comments like "why did she have him" are helpful t.b.h. Lots of people do pass their kids off to nannies, nurseries and such like and that's all the children know!

As you are concerned Sielha, maybe you can step in? Either way, it really is best not to voice your concerns to your Son and DIL as it will only cause friction.

“Pass Off their kids to nurseries, nannies” - this thread reads in many places like The Judgement of the Grumpy Grannies”.

Teachers do get the school closures and can take family holidays in those times and arrange all dental /medical appointments etc. then as obviously not allowed in term time. School closures of course include the same BH as other workers are entitled to so those 8 days can be discounted. Add on the usual 3 weeks annual leave most workers have and that is 4 weeks. This still leave an extra 9 weeks that makes other workers very irked! I see my DD working in school/at home for the equivalent of least one week of each long holiday and a day or 2 of each half term so that is another 4 weeks taking her actual holiday down to 5 weeks a year. She is in school by 8 at the latest and leaves just before 6. She has a 20 minute lunch break. She often works in the evening too, attends school events at the weekend and evening. I am not saying that she has it tougher than other workers I am pointing out it is not dissimilar nor a doddle.

P.S my teacher daughter has worked f/t since her youngest child was 4yrs old. She worked p/t when youngest was almost 2. She is effectively a single parent. Other daughter runs her own business giving her flexibility that other DD does not have. She too juggles childcare for her children. Her DH works shifts so that can knock plans sideways too! Life is not easy for any young family nowadays. Judging people's choices is not really on!

And your point PECS is?

In the last line of each post!

Well, opinions were sought, and that's what people have done..

I haven’t read all the thread, but has anyone mentioned that nursery fees have to be paid anyway? You can’t just opt out for the holidays.

As far as I’m concerned it’s up to the parents.

Of course it’s up to the parents OldMeg and nothing anyone can or should do but original post asked for comments and she has had 6 pages of comments to peruse over

If I was that parent I’d be thoroughly pissed off if my MiL had invited others to post six pages of comments about me!

I was going to leave this now but old meg has made me laugh so much. I nearly choked.

I thought that was the whole point of anonymous sites? To ask/vent whatever? Get feedback and do with it what you will? Am sure there would be a LOT of grandparents, sons, daughters, aunts, cousins and neighbours (to name a few) “pissed” off by now..?. ???

Poor little boy 3 months passed his 1st birthday and in nursery from 7-30 till 5-30 5days a week !!! to me a Gran of 5 that amounts almost to children cruelty sorry don't approve of nursery that young .....

Should have been child not children cruelty typo and I must add iam tender hearted as regards to the love and welfare of very young children my 5 GC had lots of love and have turned out brilliant young people 4 in uni at the moment loving kindness never harmed them .

PECs is correct, judging other people's choices really isn't on. "child cruelty" does not include putting a child in nursery, no matter how "tender hearted as regards the love and welfare of very young children"
Child cruelty is a totally different thing than loving parents who chose/prefer/need to work whilst their children are young.
Also to say "sorry don't approve of nursery that young....." is both judgemental and passive aggressive. If you don't approve of something, say so without adding "sorry" when you clearly aren't sorry at all.

We were asked for our opinion. That's pretty hard to give without making some sort of 'judgement' , isnt it?